Self-advocacy with Samantha Nielsen | Ep #117

Andrea:

I’m Andrea Giles, and you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity Podcast
episode number 117, Self-advocacy with Samantha Nielsen.

Hello and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity Podcast where courageous
women learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become
the boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves
ever. If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently
living, but don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place.
Stick around to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks
off. Is it possible? It is, and I’m here to show you how. I’m your host,
Andrea Giles. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

Hello my friends. Welcome to another episode of Heal from Infidelity. Today
I have a very special guest. This is a friend of mine, also a fellow coach
that I have known since the very beginning of my coaching journey. We
certified together in the same class and I’ve kind of followed her progress,
her success, her life’s triumphs, her life’s struggles. She has learned a
lot of really important things that I knew that she needed to come here to
my podcast and share with you.

Her name is Samantha Nielsen, and before we dive into all the content of
today, Samantha, why don’t you go ahead and just give us an introduction
and then we’ll share what we’re going to talk about today.

Samantha:

Sure, sure.

Andrea:

Go ahead.

Samantha:

Thank you, Andrea. It’s so fantastic to be here, thank you for having me. I
am so excited to connect with you as well. I’m Samantha Nielsen. I’m a
certified life and divorce coach and a single mother of three. I absolutely
love what I do, and I believe that divorce gives us the opportunity to
choose again. Quite frankly, it allows us to create something better than
what we had before, and often is the answer in helping us define realignment
and true happiness with ourselves.

Andrea:

Thank you. Thank you, thank you. So when we were talking about recording
this episode, there was one topic that we both felt strongly would be
really helpful to focus on. In all of the podcast episodes that I’ve done,
I’ve not ever done one about this topic that we’re going to share with you,
and it’s about becoming a better, stronger self-advocate.

Samantha:

Yes.

Andrea:

Samantha here is an expert in this, and she has actually written things and
shared things like speaking engagements and things like that about this
topic. Today we’re going to talk about self-advocacy and what it looks
like, what it feels like, the things that we have to kind of work through
to become better self-advocates.

I’d like to start this discussion by asking you, Samantha, to go ahead and
just dive in and tell us about your personal … I mean, we’re going to
spend this whole conversation talking about lots of the parts of your
journey, but your grand introduction to really when you knew something’s got
to give, when you knew that you were not advocating for yourself and that
it was time. Tell us about that, give us some of your story here.

Samantha:

Thank you, thank you. First and foremost, I think it’s really important to
recognize that advocating for yourself is a skill.

Andrea:

Yes.

Samantha:

Just like building confidence is a skill, learning how to extend yourself
and be social, it’s a skill. Learning how to be a strong self-advocate
doesn’t come naturally just because we want it to, and oftentimes we forget
that we have a voice and that our voice matters.

Andrea:

Yes.

Samantha:

This can be particularly true when difficulties occur within a marital
situation and there’s unhappiness going on, or dysfunctional things going
on. Oftentimes our voice becomes smaller, smaller and smaller, until the
point it’s non-existent.

So you invited me to share when I realized that I needed to show up and
advocate for myself, and I’m going to kind of skip ahead to probably the
latter part of my marriage. I was married 25 years, that’s a long time.

Andrea:

That’s a long time, yeah.

Samantha:

That’s a long time. Probably around year 2021 I realized that I was
incredibly unhappy and things weren’t working for me. I wasn’t very
functional, I was doing the bare minimum to show up for my kids, to show up
for myself, to show up for others, and I just felt like I was lost, I was
in this pit of despair.

I remember listening to a podcast. I came across a podcast, and it was if
someone had turned the light on, and I realized, “What? My happiness
matters? I matter? I deserve to have joy and my voice matters?” In that
moment, I realized how far I had slipped from the person I had been and
wanted to be into this space of a woman who didn’t know herself. She didn’t
know how to show up and ask for what she needed anymore, because she just
didn’t care anymore either. I was so exhausted from what wasn’t working
that I quit trying, which means I even quit trying and I wasn’t fighting for
myself.

Andrea:

Mm-hmm. Okay, yeah, thank you.

Samantha:

Yes. So finding that podcast was kind of like my first step back into the
sunlight, and coming back into this space of realizing I needed something
to change and it needed to change in a dramatic way.

Andrea:

Mm-hmm. So, thank you. What was life like for you? Can you go into more
detail about what life was like for you before that moment?

Samantha:

Sure.

Andrea:

Tell us about your pain. What did it feel like to not feel like it
mattered, that your voice didn’t matter?

Samantha:

It’s excruciating.

Andrea:

Yeah.

Samantha:

It’s excruciating when you’ve thrown in the towel and you truly just quit
caring about so much, and that is no way to live, right? I quit caring
about my health, I was severely overweight. I quit caring about socializing
and having connections with other people and creating beautiful and rich
connections. I wasn’t able to really attend to and be as engaged with my
children as I wanted to be, I was just doing the surface level things.

As a result, of course, there was more and more disconnect with my spouse,
and it was painful to even try and approach that and trying to bridge that,
because I was in this misaligned marriage. We were just misaligned, we
weren’t a great match. I had known it for some time, but I was also in this
heavy case of denial.

Andrea:

Yes, what did the denial look like? Looking back now, how do you know that
it was denial?

Samantha:

Oh, so many signs, so many signs. First off, a lot of avoidance. There
wasn’t a lot of great communication going on, there was a lot of avoidance
on my part. Surface level conversations, just addressing the bare minimum
in speaking to the bare minimum that needed to be covered for handling the
logistics of a family unit.

Andrea:

Yeah.

Samantha:

Denial also showed up in the sense that I was directing my time and energy
into other things that could take my attention away from my pain. So for
instance, I’m a really involved mother, I mean, a very involved mother, and
I was pouring everything that I had into refining and molding and leading
and guiding my children, helping them to become responsible and wonderful
human beings. So while that is a gift, it was out of balance, because I was
avoiding my own reality and I was avoiding my own truth.

Andrea:

Okay, so it was kind of a distraction, like, “I don’t want to look over
here, so I’m going to give everything I’ve got over here.” It looks really
noble and good, right? It looks great.

Samantha:

Oh, it sure does.

Andrea:

Yeah, yep.

Samantha:

Yes, and let me tell you, all the neighbors think that you’re doing
everything right, which of course is not the truth, it’s a facade, but that
was the way that I was outsourcing my pain.

Andrea:

Yeah, yeah. It’s so funny, because you get all the accolades and what a
great mother, and look at her, and that deep knowing that, and I’m not
looking over here, right? This is keeping me busy so I don’t have to,
right?

Samantha:

Yeah, because maybe it’ll go away.

Andrea:

Maybe it’ll just go away. Oh.

Samantha:

We hope it’ll just go away, and that is-

Andrea:

Yes.

Samantha:

That’s a lie that we tell ourselves.

Andrea:

Yeah.

Samantha:

That’s a lie I was telling myself.

Andrea:

Yes, I see this all the time with my clients. We talk about it all the
time. This piece of, if he’ll just do this and this and this, then I would
feel better, because then I don’t have to deal with it, because then I
don’t have to change everything up and totally disrupt my life and feel all
the feels that come with that, right?

Samantha:

Right.

Andrea:

Yeah.

Samantha:

I didn’t want to deal with it, for sure I was avoiding and in denial.
Interestingly enough, it does show up in other ways. My health was
terrible.

Andrea:

Yeah.

Samantha:

I used to be on the verge of a cold or a sinus infection all the time. I
had terrible sleep, exhaustion. We suffer. We don’t realize it’s a
detriment, and we really are suffering. It impacts our health, it impacts
our spiritual wellness, our energy, the relationships, whether it be with
our partner, of course with our partner, our children and friends. It just
has a ripple effect.

Andrea:

Yep, that’s right. That’s right. It shows up all over the place, right?

Samantha:

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Andrea:

Yeah, okay, so back to self-advocacy. How do you define self-advocacy,
being a self-advocate?

Samantha:

I love this. There are a handful of definitions that you could go and find.
For me, I really have defined it as owning my truth, being able to give
voice to my truth with confidence. Really taking ownership of what my truth
is and then speaking it out loud. That’s the second part of the equation.

Andrea:

Yeah, and the scariest part, right?

Samantha:

Yeah, absolutely.

Andrea:

Yeah, yeah.

Samantha:

Absolutely. Very scary.

Andrea:

Yeah, yes. Okay, so having the confidence and then speaking it, okay.

Samantha:

Yes.

Andrea:

All right, anything you want to add to that?

Samantha:

You have to be willing to own it regardless of the outcome, and when you
choose to own it and you choose to give voice to it, you have to be willing
to accept what’s going to come on the other side. Sometimes it doesn’t work
out like we hope it might, sometimes it does. Sometimes you experience
disapproval, shaming. You might be diminished by owning your truth, you may
have friends or family members that pass judgment, and you have to be
willing to experience it all and still be okay with yourself, and still be
okay with yourself.

Andrea:

Yes, yep. That takes some doing, that takes some work to get there. Yes.

Samantha:

Yes.

Andrea:

Yeah, I think that one of the hardest parts is, just like you said, first
of all, the confidence inside to know that what you want matters, and then
speaking it out loud, and then being able to hold onto that. When people
don’t agree, where they don’t understand, and still being able to hold onto
it and not back off of your ground, right?

Samantha:

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Andrea:

Yeah, thank you. So you touched on this a little bit, but you said that
you’ve not always been the best self-advocate. Why do you think that is?

Samantha:

True. That is actually true, and that was such a good question, because it
caused me to pause and reflect. I wasn’t always a strong advocate as a
young girl and a young adult, and I figured out in my young adult years
that I needed to be, and I started figuring out how to do that with a lot
of trial and error.

Just as I mentioned earlier, it’s like refining a skill. You don’t make a
beautiful chocolate pie perfectly the first time, it takes practice, and it
gets better and better with each attempt. So it took a lot of practice, and
I figured out that if I’m not willing to stand up and say what I need to
say or ask for what I need to ask for, I’m never going to have it. I
already don’t have it, so what’s the risk in saying no? What’s the risk of
asking and being told no?

Andrea:

Right.

Samantha:

That’s what I mean.

Andrea:

Yep, I gotcha.

Samantha:

Yes, yes.

Andrea:

Yep.

Samantha:

So, knowing that I made the request and that I’m standing my ground and
speaking up for myself is validating. I did a really great job in that
space with my children for their needs, for their activities. I did a great
job in that space for myself with friends and in, I guess, public and
social settings, but I didn’t do such a great job at it within my marriage,
and that was to my detriment.

Andrea:

Mm-hmm. Yep, okay.

Samantha:

Yeah.

Andrea:

So we’ve chatted a little bit beforehand of some of the things we want to
touch on, and you made a couple points that I think are important.

Samantha:

Yeah.

Andrea:

You had some precise wording of things that you did when you were backing
down, concede and acquiesce. Can you talk about both of those?

Samantha:

You bet.

Andrea:

Thank you.

Samantha:

For me, these were two of my default behaviors that I would lean toward.
The discomfort of engaging in a harder conversation became so great, that
rather than go there I would just choose not to have the conversation at
all. So I often found that I would either concede, which means you’re just
surrendering and you’re yielding with reluctance, or I would acquiesce.
That means that you just accept something and you’re not going to voice
your objection to it or your opinion on the matter.

So conceding and acquiescing, it’s just like you just don’t care. Fine,
whatever, we’ll go to this restaurant. I hate Thai food, but we’ll go.
Fine, whatever, we can go on this vacation, and I’ll endure camping and
sleeping on the ground, even though I hate camping.

Andrea:

I love it.

Samantha:

It’s just not worth the battle.

Andrea:

Yeah.

Samantha:

The only thing that comes from being in that place of conceding and
acquiescing is resentment and disconnection. Resentment and disconnection
between yourself, your partner, and all the other things in life that you
want to feel connected to.

Andrea:

Okay, so I want to know, Samantha, you said that you could be a strong
self-advocate in other areas, and I know that I have listeners that are
go-getters, right? They get stuff done, they’re very high-performing. Show
up, get things done really effectively, but okay, here’s a question.

I want to know, this piece in your marriage, where you felt like you were
not being a strong self-advocate, where you kind of shrunk and felt small
and felt like I could just disappear into the floor, right? You didn’t use
those words, but I kind of get that sense from you, like can I just melt
into the floor, and this is just painful.

I want to know, even in these other areas of mothering and community and
all of these things where you did show up and where you did speak up, how
did not having that relationship with yourself in your marriage bleed over
into these other spaces, if at all?

Samantha:

For sure. I probably missed windows of opportunity.

Andrea:

Okay.

Samantha:

I was doubting my own self-confidence in many ways, I wasn’t feeling
confident about myself, so I’m sure I missed windows of opportunity where
maybe I would’ve stood up and jumped in and volunteered for something or
asked for something.

Overall, interestingly enough, there wasn’t a lot of carryover. I am a
really strong advocate in other areas of my life, whether it’s being on a
school committee and volunteering or saying, “No, I can’t take this
assignment, my life is too busy,” or asking for things that are right and
fair.

So, I don’t think that it had that much of a negative implication in my
other settings with social circles, children, workspaces, extended
relationships, it really was situational.

Andrea:

Okay.

Samantha:

It really was situational, but the amount or the weight that occurred and
that was felt in that part of my life was heavy, very heavy.

Andrea:

Mm-hmm. Okay, yeah, let’s fast-forward a little bit. Thank you for that.
You said that you listened to a podcast, that a light went on, and then
everything changed. Can you share what changed? What happened?

Samantha:

Yeah, yeah. It really was that dramatic, it really was that dramatic. I
remember laying on the couch. It was the middle of the afternoon, there was
an advertisement for some type of a podcast that caught my attention. I
clicked and I listened, and it was as if someone had brought me a cold
glass of water after I’d been traveling through the desert for years. It
was life-changing.

The reason it was life-changing is because it pricked my heart and my mind
and my spirit, and reminded me that my life mattered, I mattered. My life
was valuable, my voice mattered, and that not only were these things
valuable, I had options, I had choices, I was not trapped and I could
change my reality.

Andrea:

Mm-hmm. Amazing, amazing. So, how did you start changing your reality? What
happened?

Samantha:

Well, first off, I started binging on all those podcasts one after another
after another, and I could not get enough of them. It literally was like
water and air and sunlight for my soul, and I just wanted to learn. I was
an avid learner. I was so, so eager, and as I was taking in this
information, it was like I was waking up a little more and a little more and
a little more, and coming back into this space of remembering who I was a
long time ago and who I really wanted to be as an adult woman. So, it was
fantastic. Hard, difficult, tearful, invigorating and fantastic all rolled
into one.

Andrea:

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I love it. I’m sure that my listeners are probably wondering,
what’s the podcast?

Samantha:

Of course.

Andrea:

[inaudible 00:19:14] the podcast that changed your life.

Samantha:

Of course, and this won’t surprise you. This was in 2017 and ’18, and I had
listened to one of Brooke Castillo’s podcasts with The Life Coach School.
Of course, she is the life coach that I am certified under and you as well.

Andrea:

Mm-hmm. Okay, perfect. So, tell us about your coaching journey. What
happened? You started listening, binge listening-

Samantha:

Yes.

Andrea:

And then you decided to do something further with it. You’ve decided to go
to coach training. Tell us more about that.

Samantha:

Yes. I actually was a student of the work first, and I realized I needed to
do a lot of internal work and kind of figure out who I was again.

Andrea:

Yep.

Samantha:

Find a little bit more of this identity that had been lost. So I was a
student of the work for probably seven or eight months, but in that time I
had realized that I wanted to be a coach as well, for two reasons. The
first purpose, first and foremost, was because I wanted to continue my
healing journey. I wanted to learn more of this work and immerse myself more
in this work, because of the goodness that was coming into my life, and I
knew that I needed that for myself.

Interestingly enough, I’ve done a lot of therapy through the years, and
nothing had been as effective and impactful as coaching had been for me
when contrasted with therapy. It was absolutely a new, different, unique
experience that helped me to create forward momentum.

Andrea:

Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Yeah, my listeners, I’ve recorded it, it’s
earlier on, but I had the same experience where I did a lot of therapy, a
lot of therapy, and also, I was referred to a podcast, and I remember the
moment and it whipped my head around, like, “What? What is that?” Right?
Like, “What? I can just think that?” I mean, just a shock to my system, and
it changed everything, just changed everything for me.

So much pain that I didn’t know what to do with that just was there that I
just thought was just kind of my companion, and then-

Samantha:

Yeah.

Andrea:

Yeah, kind of a similar experience where in one episode just like, “Oh my
gosh, what is this? I must know more,” right?

Samantha:

Right.

Andrea:

Yeah.

Samantha:

Interestingly enough, we feel like we are given a sentence that we have to
carry this with us forever, the pain, the struggle, the stories we tell
ourselves. For me, when I listened to that podcast and I pursued coaching a
little bit more aggressively, permission was granted, permission to give up
all those things that were not working for me in my life anymore, and for
me to embrace and create and nurture a new reality.

Andrea:

Yep, beautiful. Thank you. So can you tell us, we can see the end results
that you are … we’ll talk more a little bit about where you’re at now,
things like that, but I want to hear about the journey in between. What was
the hardest part? What have you felt was the hardest part about really
becoming a self-advocate?

Samantha:

Good question. Such a good question. I think that the hardest parts for me
were I knew I had to make hard decisions, and I knew I had to execute on
those hard decisions.

Andrea:

Yes.

Samantha:

It’s one thing to think about them and to strategize and to ruminate, it’s
another thing to take action. So, really engaging the process and saying
what I needed to say, “Hey, I’m not happy, I want a divorce.” That was
hard.

Andrea:

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Samantha:

That was one of the hardest things I’ve ever said in my entire life, and
yet it was also the most liberating. I will tell you, being true to myself
and owning that truth and saying it out loud was difficult and exquisitely
peaceful and really freeing all in the same moment. So of course voicing
what your truth is is awfully hard, because then you have to execute and
own those outcomes.

Knowing that others are going to judge you and they’re going to have
misinformation about you, and they’re going to hear things or construct
things that are wrong, flat out wrong about who you are and how things
occurred or why you did what you did. You have to really be okay with
owning your truth and living in your own skin and not letting other people’s
opinions affect your self-esteem.

Andrea:

Mm-hmm. Yes.

Samantha:

That’s awfully hard as well. Then I think, of course, the most important
one to acknowledge here, especially in the space of divorce, is that my
truth and my decision would impact my children.

Andrea:

Mm-hmm. Yep, absolutely. I was just thinking about that. Was there a time
where you kind of hid from what was true for you, because you didn’t want
the answer to be divorce?

Samantha:

Most of my marriage.

Andrea:

Yeah. For my kids, I don’t want my kids to … that’s something I talk
about a lot on this podcast, is that very real, I don’t want my kids to
have to go through that, right?

Samantha:

Absolutely. I’m a child of divorce, I know what divorce looks like.

Andrea:

Okay.

Samantha:

My parents divorced when I was 10, and I know how my life changed and how
my comfort levels were impacted, how my lifestyle was impacted.

Andrea:

Yep.

Samantha:

So absolutely, I really did explore every option possible to try and make
things work, to try and find connection, to try and keep things in place,
not only for my children’s sake, but because I didn’t want to have to
experience it either.

Andrea:

Mm-hmm. Yes. So when you got to that point where you just owned I’m not
happy, I want a divorce, when you got there, how did you advocate for
yourself with your children?

Samantha:

It was a while before the wheels went into motion.

Andrea:

Okay.

Samantha:

Even though this truth was known between my partner and I, we allowed for
some time, some time and space to be there so that we could put a plan in
place.

Andrea:

Okay.

Samantha:

I actually think that’s one of the smarter things that we did. We didn’t
announce that the house was on fire.

Andrea:

Yes, yes.

Samantha:

No one was packing bags quickly. We were very thoughtful about how we were
going to present the information, how we were going to move through the
process to the best of our ability, and how we wanted to frame this for our
kids and also for the public, because you have other people who get wind of
this, and quite frankly, there’s a lot of curious people out there who just
want something to chew on, and they’re not really genuinely concerned.

Andrea:

Yes, yep. Yep, just want a little drama, right?

Samantha:

They want a little drama, because they’re bored in their own life.

Andrea:

Yep, yep. So tell me, when you did go talk to your kids and ultimately get
divorced, how did they handle that and how are they doing now?

Samantha:

It’s a great question, and it’s a question that my clients do ask as well,
how will my children respond? It was very upsetting.

Andrea:

Yeah.

Samantha:

My children were older, and even though they were older and they could
understand more and process more because they were older teens and in their
teen years, it was still very, very upsetting. I truly believe that
children, regardless of the age, whether they’re 12, 22 or 42, they don’t
want to hear your parents are divorcing or that their parents are divorcing,
so it was very upsetting. They knew that things were hard, they knew that
we had our struggles, so I don’t know that it was a surprise, but still
very upsetting.

Now that there’s almost two years behind me in having been single almost a
full two years, each of my children have come to me separately and have
shared that they can see just how much happier I am as an individual, and
also their dad. They can recognize that as human beings, as individuals, we
are far happier apart than we were together. All of them have given voice to
this and have acknowledged and recognized that we are different people now.

Andrea:

Wow.

Samantha:

We’re happy and different people than we were in the marriage.

Andrea:

Wow. That’s so powerful, because I know so many of us are, oh, just so much
resistance to divorce.

Samantha:

Yes.

Andrea:

I remember it so well, just kind of what I assumed would be my kids’
experience, I just was so worried about them. Really, I think kids are
incredibly perceptive and they can pick up on what’s true, right?

Samantha:

Yes.

Andrea:

So, they call our bluffs really well, don’t they, kids?

Samantha:

Oh, for sure.

Andrea:

Remarkably well. So, they recognize the truth in that they are better apart
than they are together.

Samantha:

Yes.

Andrea:

I look at those things and what that’s going to do for them in their lives
of being able to be self-advocates for themselves, they’ve had the example.
Okay, so now, what have been the best parts that you have learned from
being a self-advocate that was in your primary relationship, in your
marriage, right? You’re not married anymore, but I’m sure that skill, it’s
serving you well now, right?

Samantha:

For sure.

Andrea:

So, what have been the best parts about learning to become a better
self-advocate?

Samantha:

I think the best parts are that, first off, I can do hard things and I’m
going to survive, I really will. It’s not going to be the end of my life,
and it’s not going to put me down for days and days and days.

Andrea:

Yeah.

Samantha:

I can stand my ground in this place of respect, kindness, courtesy, and
compassion, and I can own my truth and I will be okay. I can do it in a way
that respects both myself and the individual that I need to speak with,
’cause oftentimes people think that when you advocate that there’s going to
be conflict. Quite frankly, there doesn’t need to be conflict.

Andrea:

Yeah.

Samantha:

There doesn’t have to be conflict. So, knowing that I can own my truth and
that I can be okay and have my own back in owning my truth has been
incredibly powerful. I’ve learned so many wonderful, beautiful things about
the fact that I can take care of myself in a really bold, vibrant, and
strong way. I’m stronger than I ever realized.

Andrea:

Mm-hmm. Oh, so good. What are you enjoying most about life right now?

Samantha:

Oh, goodness. Andrea, I am the happiest divorced woman on the planet.

Andrea:

I love it.

Samantha:

I have to say, I am just so, so incredibly happy, and I think the thing
that I am enjoying most is getting to know myself better. Getting to know
myself in a deeper and more intimate way of what I do and what I don’t
like, what I am willing to allow and permit to be a part of my life and
what I’m not. I’m also enjoying the fact that I really don’t give a lot of
merit or value to anyone else’s opinion right now, and I say that in the
most respectful way possible.

Andrea:

I love it. Isn’t that so powerful, just to really know and believe
yourself? I believe myself more than I believe anyone else.

Samantha:

Yes.

Andrea:

Oh, it’s powerful, right?

Samantha:

It feels good.

Andrea:

Yes, yes.

Samantha:

It feels good.

Andrea:

Oh, good for you.

Samantha:

Yeah.

Andrea:

Okay, so for the last part of this podcast I want to talk about … I think
we’ve made a pretty good case for growing and our ability to be a
self-advocate.

Samantha:

Yes.

Andrea:

I want to spend the rest of the podcast talking about how one does that.

Samantha:

Oh.

Andrea:

Okay? How does one become a better self-advocate? What do you recommend?
How did you? What did you actually do? You said that it involves becoming
more confident, but what did that look like? How did you do it? How can the
listeners listening today learn how to become a better self-advocate?

Samantha:

Well, I’m actually really glad that you asked this question, and I’ll just
share this very briefly and then answer. I actually have a course that is
called Advocate Like An Expert, and I go through an in-depth process of
teaching people how to show up and own their voice and advocate for
themselves.

There are three things that anyone can do right off the bat though. They
first off need to clarify and gain clarity around what it is that they
desire and what a possible outcome is that they desire. Okay, so you need
to know what it is. What’s the problem? Then you also need to ask yourself
why? Why do you feel passionately about this? Because advocating is a
stronger request than just asking, right?

When we ask for something, we really don’t care about the outcome, but when
we advocate, there’s a lot of passion behind it. We feel strongly about it,
we have strong conviction. So, you need to understand what is fueling that?
Why do you feel so strongly about it? So first, gaining clarity and then
understanding your cause, that’s number two, the why. So when you can come
into an alignment with those two things, then it’s like you are dialed in
and you’re focused forward in doing what you need to do.

The final step though is communicating with confidence, and that’s the real
clincher there. You have to be able to show up for yourself, you have to
know exactly what you want, what the outcome is that you are desiring, why
it’s important, then you have to make the request. So I identify these
things as the three Cs, clarity, cause, communicate with confidence, three
Cs.

Andrea:

Boom. So good, so powerful, I love it.

Samantha:

Yes, yes.

Andrea:

Yeah, just listening to all of that, I’m like, “Yep, that would get the job
done.” That would. To me, I hear the difference between just a preference
that you’re sharing and really speaking with conviction, right? Conviction-

Samantha:

Yes.

Andrea:

I know this matters. I’m not backing off of this, because it matters,
right? It’s not just a I prefer this kind of ice cream over this kind of
ice cream, right?

Samantha:

Right, right.

Andrea:

Yeah.

Samantha:

Yeah, and these are critical matters. Oftentimes when we’re in a space of
advocating for ourselves or our children, they’re critical matters.

Andrea:

Yes.

Samantha:

There’s a significant outcome attached to whether this takes place or does
not take place. When we don’t show up for ourselves though and when we
choose not to advocate, then we forfeit our power, we diminish our own
voice, and we have to be okay with whatever outcome comes about and into
place. We have to be willing to accept the end result without having had a
vote. I’m not willing to take myself out of the game and not have a vote.

Andrea:

Mm-hmm. Yep, yes. Well, let me ask you this. Why do you think it’s so hard
for so many people to self-advocate? I know this has been something that
… it’s been a process for me throughout my life. Why do you think it’s so
hard for people? Where do you think that comes from?

Samantha:

Because we want to belong. We don’t want to experience rejection, we don’t
want to be isolated, and so if we say what we really want to say, I want a
divorce-

Andrea:

Yeah.

Samantha:

And then if my community learns that this is my position, I could
experience rejection and isolation. Belonging and approval are so important
to people in general that they will suffer in silence instead of making the
request and holding their ground for what they need, what is right and what
is fair.

Andrea:

So good. Yeah, I see this all the time with my clients, who they really do
have a desire to stay, right? They want to stay after infidelity, but
they’re still kind of toning down, kind of muting, hushing what they really
want to see, because they’re so afraid of what if the answer is no, right?
That fear of rejection, fear of not belonging. You’re right, that’s exactly
it. We have this primal need, we want to belong, and the fear of somebody
giving us backlash for the things that we want is very scary, right?

Samantha:

Mm-hmm. It’s very scary.

Andrea:

Yep.

Samantha:

But I can tell you this, Andrea, when the discomfort of not being heard is
greater than the discomfort of what might occur when you are heard and you
voice what you need, when that discomfort of not being heard outweighs the
risk, you’re going to step into the space of risk and-

Andrea:

Yep. Yep, like bring it. Mm-hmm.

Samantha:

You’ll be willing to live with the outcome and the answers that are on the
other side of that.

Andrea:

Yeah, it becomes intolerable, right?

Samantha:

Yes.

Andrea:

Like, “I can’t do this for one more day, it’s killing me inside,” right?

Samantha:

Yes, yes.

Andrea:

I think that you bring up really good points though in your example from
your own life about how you needed to know that something else was
available to you as well. That can be an anchor to hold onto. Before if you
didn’t think that your voice mattered, even if you were suffering
intensely, that shift of going, “Actually, I do get a vote. Actually, my
life does matter, the things that I want matter.” Being able to anchor into
that can also give you the courage to lean into it, to speak up.

Samantha:

Yes. Yes, and sometimes we even have to borrow the courage from someone
else until we can nurture and fuel ours into a better place.

Andrea:

Yep.

Samantha:

That’s what I was doing when I started into that journey, and I was
learning more about coaching and learning more about what was true for me.
I was borrowing courage while I was nurturing and rebuilding my own.

Andrea:

So good, I love it. Yep-

Samantha:

Thank you.

Andrea:

Perfect.

Samantha:

Thank you.

Andrea:

Okay, so at the end here, I’m going to have Samantha share how my listeners
can find out more about you, learn how to learn from you, be in your space
more. I’ll have you share that at the end, but before we jump to that, do
you have any final thoughts that you’d like to share with my audience?

Samantha:

Sure. I do have a couple final thoughts. No one is exempt from trial, no
one is exempt from life’s difficulties. I think a couple things that really
helped me to come out better rather than bitter in this experience is,
first off, I really do believe in leaning into your faith and a higher
power. Whatever that is for you, nurture that faith, nurture that belief.

Then I gave myself lots of time and room and space to do what I needed to
do, and I met myself with a lot of compassion, recognizing that the past
Samantha was doing the best that she could with the tools that she had at
that moment, and that now I know more, I can do different. I can do better,
because I know better. Then just love yourself fiercely. Love yourself
fiercely, even with all the mistakes that you’re going to make, because you
will.

Andrea:

Yes, yep.

Samantha:

You will. Recognize that you still are 100% worthy, and that you matter
even along the path when you might get something wrong that you had hoped
to do differently. Finally, I would say be happy, really lean into being
happy. Life is too short to be unhappy, and we all deserve genuine
happiness.

Andrea:

Amen. I love it. Thank you so much, so good. I hope listeners that you take
this to heart and look at areas where you might be hiding out, look at
areas where you might be afraid to step into stronger advocating for
yourselves, and learn from Samantha here who has truly changed her whole
life, truly changed her life.

Samantha:

Thank you.

Andrea:

Why don’t you tell them what you’re up to? Tell us about what you’re doing
now.

Samantha:

Thank you, Andrea. I’m so excited about where things are presently and
where things are moving as I look forward. I’ve been doing a lot of
speaking engagements, and I absolutely love that space, because I get to
know individuals more intimately that way. But for those who are interested
in learning more about me and what I offer, I would invite them to come
visit my website, moderndaydivorce.com, or to join me on Instagram, which
is modern.day.divorce, and take advantage of my free resources.

In fact, I’m offering a free training right now that focuses on advocating
for yourself. In fact, it’s entitled Advocate Like An Expert. So again, I
would invite your listeners to come over to moderndaydivorce.com, sign up
for that training, and really give great consideration to where you feel
your strengths and your weaknesses lie when it comes to advocating for
yourself, because we all deserve to live the life of our dreams.

Andrea:

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Samantha:

You’re welcome.

Andrea:

All right, go check her out. I’ll make sure to have all of your information
in the show notes so you can go find Samantha in the show notes, and thank
you so much.

Samantha:

Thank you, Andrea. It’s a pleasure. Take care.

Andrea:

You too.

Thank you for listening to the Heal from Infidelity Podcast. If you would
like to be kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast
episodes, and other ways of working with me, go subscribe to my weekly
email. You can subscribe at andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/. Again,
it’s andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/. I will see you next time.