I’m Andrea Giles, and you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast,
episode number 148, “Your Ten Year View.”

Hello, and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity podcast where courageous
women learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become
the boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves
ever. If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently
living but don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place.
Stick around to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks
off. Is it possible? It is, and I’m here to show you how. I’m your host,
Andrea Giles. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

Welcome back, everybody. I’m liking weekly podcasting again. It has been a
long time and it feels really good to be able to pick up the conversation
from where we were last week and jump back in rather than waiting for a
whole other week. I hope you’re enjoying it too.

Today I am going to be talking about your 10-year view. Episode 147, the
last episode, was all about my 10-year view looking back at the last 10
years since the death of my first husband. As I was thinking about it, I
had a moment where I was sitting just pondering with myself of how far I’ve
come and how really just how amazed I am. I’m amazed at my life. I’m amazed
at what I get to do. I’m amazed at all of it. When I was sitting there, I
was thinking, okay, what about the next 10 years? What would be so amazing
that I might not even be able to think up right now, but that I would be so
amazed, so amazed, and so grateful to myself for being brave and courageous
and for betting on myself?

I took time and I journaled out what my life is in 10 years, journaled it
all out. It was really amazing to see what came out of me of the things
that I want and how they materialize and what my life is like, what I feel
like, what my body’s like, what my house is like, what my relationship with
my spouse is like, what my kids are in my relationship is, all of that. I
decided that I’m going to make an episode for you all about the same
process. I want you to do the same work.

In this episode, I’m going to take you through a few examples of why this
matters, why it’s so powerful to do this exercise. Then I’m going to take
you through it. I actually have created a little worksheet for you,
something that you can use with all of the questions that I ask in here
that you can download in the show notes for free, print up and use, okay?

All right. Again, looking back over my last 10 years, I truly could not
imagine, I promise you, I could not imagine. I knew I wanted to be a
therapist. Even when I was really in it, I had lots of people coming to me
that I really had no business helping at that time because I was in it. But
they saw something in me as some leadership or something in how I was
carrying myself that they came and asked me for help. I was able to help
other people even when I was really neck deep. I remember feeling this
knowing, Andrea you got to get through this so you can help other people.
At that time I really thought that that would be through therapy.

Found coaching, never looked back because it helped me so, so much, so
much. Never looked back. Here I am coaching, but if you would’ve told me at
that time that I would have a podcast that was ranked in the top 1% in the
world, ha, I probably would’ve laughed at you. If I would’ve known the
money that I’m making as someone who totally supported my spouse in all of
his education. He was highly educated. He had two master’s degrees, one
from Oxford, top-10 law school, all of that. Anyway, I supported him and I
really thought of him as he’s the smart one. He’s the smart one. I stay
home. I support him. I could not have dreamt up that I could do what I’m
doing and have the success that I’ve had. It blows my mind, right?

It’s because I decided to bet on me with a strong desire to help lots of
women and to see what I was capable of, to see what I was capable of as a
business owner and as an entrepreneur betting on me. I think I could figure
this out. Trust me when I say many, many, many struggles along the way,
many failings, many, many, many, many, where I put something out there and
feel so vulnerable, so vulnerable.

I think I’ve mentioned before that when I got the notification that my
podcast was live from iTunes, I fell apart. I started crying because I
suddenly felt like the whole world can see me naked. The whole world, it
felt so vulnerable that people could listen, anyone could listen and just
so exposed knowing that the only way I know how to do things is really
openly and honestly. I wasn’t going to sugarcoat and I wasn’t going to hide
anything and knowing that anyone could listen. I’m so glad I kept going. I’m
so glad that I didn’t let that fear lead me to just shutting the whole
thing down.

In this episode, I’m going to walk you through getting clear on where you
want to be in 10 years, what you want your life to be like in 10 years
through a series of questions and some examples, some real examples of
people, okay? The examples I’m going to give are very typical of many of the
clients that I work with. You will likely hear yourself in one of them.
Please take the time to listen, to identify who you identify with in these
examples. Then I’m going to share with you why this ten-year exercise is so
effective, okay?

Example number one, you are doing pretty good. Things are pretty good. The
infidelity crisis is sort of over. It’s not as raw. It’s not as urgent.
It’s not brand new anymore, a couple years have passed. You’re out a couple
years, but it still hangs over you. It’s not as urgent. You do feel that
the decision has been made. In this particular example, you have decided to
stay. You can see many changes in him. You can see where he is really
showing up and where things are better in regards to your relationship. You
know that you made it through the crisis, but it still feels stale. It
feels a little boring. It feels a little lackluster. You don’t feel that
fire that you once felt for him. You don’t feel that excitement, right? You
don’t spend a whole lot of time together, and when you do, you don’t feel
deeply connected. You are going through the motions.

The hurt still pops up quite a bit. There are moments that come up where
you remember things and it really is intrusive and annoying. You use those
hurts in those moments as a reason to not deeply connect. You hold back. He
hurt me so I’m going to keep my distance. We’re doing great, but I don’t
know that I’ll ever give him all of me. I don’t know that I ever will,
okay? That’s example number one.

Example number two, it’s very urgent. It’s very raw. It’s very new. He says
he doesn’t want to leave, but he also is not all-in. You have told him your
bottom line of you need to end it with this person. I cannot stay if you
don’t. You suspect that he may be talking to her. You don’t have proof, but
you’re pretty sure. You’re a little bit afraid of looking and confirming.
You’re afraid that if he does completely end it, that he will try to blame
you for his suffering. You are afraid that the kids are going to find out.
You’re afraid of what people will think and say, so you keep it between the
two of you. You have told no one else and you feel really trapped, really
trapped.

Example three, you’re already out, okay? You’re at least separated, if not
divorced. You are in disbelief that he left. He left the marriage. He left,
okay? You have so many strong thoughts about that, like what a jerk. I
can’t believe we worked so hard to build so much. I personally sacrificed
so much for him, for this relationship and for what? Now he’s giving all
the best of him to her, the vacations, the time, the better version of him,
being with her kids, taking them on trips. The pain on this is suffocating.
The pain of this, it’s suffocating. It eats you alive. You try dating
around. You’ve met some cool people, but you internally just feel raw and
shattered and a little bit broken. You know that you’re not your best self.
You know that you’re not.

Another variation of this example three is that you left. That you left
because he would not break it up with her, or because you could see that he
had no real intention of change, or you could see that there were patterns
that were long-standing and that you likely would be just staying in and
having these same patterns play out again and again and again, and you feel
all those other things. You just can’t believe that everything that you’ve
sacrificed and built and worked for is to this end. You just go through life
feeling shame for everything. You’re embarrassed that you know that you’re
cheated on, and you feel embarrassed about that. You hide when you’re in
relationships with other people. You’re so afraid to really go all-in and
let yourself be seen because you’re still carrying around this wet blanket
of shame, of anger, of hurt, of feeling like you were kicked to the curb.
It’s really hurting you, okay?

All right. Now, those are our examples. One major powerful tool that can
make an instant shift in your mind and body is scanning out to the future
instead of going back and trying to tear this thing apart and look at every
single detail of the whole thing. Instead, we are looking into the future
and looking at what’s there. As you can see from the various examples, you
can be in lots of different scenarios and this will still be effective. It
will still be very, very effective.

All right. I want to go through all of these things. I want to get down to
this where I’m going to go through all these questions, and I want you to
actually answer them. I want you to take the time to answer them. I want
you to, whether it be printing out the worksheet that is going to be with
this or pausing it and writing down the questions, whatever works for you,
but I actually want you to take the time to do it, okay?

Here’s the questions. In 10 years, how do you spend your days? When you
wake up in the morning, what’s on your mind, how about before you go to
sleep? How do you take care of yourself physically, spiritually, and
mentally, and answer each one. How much money’s in your bank account? Are
you in an intimate relationship, married, partnered? What brings you joy
and peace and how do you enjoy each other? What are you most proud of? What
hurts and grievances have you let go of? How did you do that? What do you
think about yourself? When do you feel down on yourself, how do you tend to
yourself, how do you take care of yourself? When someone does something
that bothers you, how do you respond? How is that different than the old
you? How do you feel on most days?

Okay, now I want you to take yourself back to today, current day, and I
want you to answer these questions. How do I feel writing that out? If I
believe I could have that outcome, what do I need to start doing today?
What do I need to stop doing? What habits do I need to break? What habits
do I need to begin? On a scale of one to 10, how much do I believe I can
have every single thing I imagine? Why do you give yourself that number?
What can I believe now to raise that number, and how will I stay consistent
in reminding myself of where I am going to be in 10 years?

Okay, now I want to go back through those three scenarios and talk about
why this is so powerful, okay? In example one where you’re staying and you
feel like things are better, things have gotten a lot better and you’re
seeing changes in him, this is where scanning out and looking at what that
relationship is like, who you are there is really, really, really
important. Let’s say that you put that you have this rock-solid
relationship, you are really close to each other. You are very
interdependent, which means that you each have your own space to thrive,
but there’s a lot of collaboration there. There’s a lot of coming together
there to work together to create that. It’s very collaborative. There’s
transparency. There’s intimacy, all the best stuff, true partnership. If
you do this exercise and see that you are nowhere near that, looking at
what needs to give now will inform your next step.

For example, if there’s things that you are holding onto, resentments that
you’re holding onto that you know if they’re not addressed are going to
poison the well and that you will not have what you want, it’s time to deal
with those things. That’s where this exercise is so powerful in going,
okay, I need to stop doing this thing. I need to start doing this thing. If
I really want this, it starts now. The habits that I’m engaged in stop now
and I start something new now.

Example two, if I say that I want to be respectful of me, that I live with
so much respect for me and my decisions and I expect others to treat me the
same, and I am still with somebody who is likely still talking to the other
woman, that stops today. I have no tolerance for it. It starts today. I’m
going to stand up for that, stand up for my line, my boundary and say, “No,
it’s not happening.”

In example three, he left. You are noticing it poisoned everything. It’s
poisoning your current relationship, your dating life. Even with the kids,
you have this thing hanging over you. When you’re with your friends, you
feel this angry undertone. Sometimes you feel embarrassed. Sometimes you
just feel mad. Your pride is really, really hurt, and you’re scanning 10
years out where you are again in this super thriving relationship where you
both have done so much work on yourselves and with each other to be able to
hold this powerful relationship. There are things that need to go and there
are things that need to be welcomed in with open arms.

Wherever you are, in whatever scenario, I want you to go through and answer
these questions. I went and did this and I want a lot. I have big things in
store for myself. I want a lot. I want all the best things. I feel that I
am worthy of them and that I’m constantly growing into the person that can
contain and hold all of it. The amazing relationships, amazing career where
I impact lots and lots of people and make lots of money. That’s in there
too. Where I can break the legacy from my family of not having money. I grew
up quite poor. To being able to help my children, to be able to provide in
different ways that I never saw before, to be able to be an example to my
eight daughters of what they are capable of, and my sons as well. This is
generational stuff. You are breaking generational change, showing up in a
different way, changing the way things are done.

This is no small thing here, this work. The things that you tap into that
you are meant for, it’s no small thing. Take the time, write it out, feel
how it feels. Answer every question. Choose something that’s going to start
moving you toward that and get to work with all your courage, all your
strength. Get a glimpse of what is in store for you. I promise you it’s
good. I promise you it’s good. You are meant for good things. You’re meant
for big things.

All right, my beautiful people, thank you so much for being here again. If
you want help with this, if you need help with the skill set of actually
being able to stop doing certain things that you’re doing and start doing
other things, come join my program. That’s what we do. That’s what we do,
okay? We do powerful stuff in there. If you’re ready to get that kind of
help, follow the show notes to where you find my program. Get on in there.

All right. Take care, my beautiful friends. I’ll see you next time,
bye-bye.

Thank you for listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast. If you would
like to be kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast
episodes and other ways of working with me, go subscribe to my weekly
email. You can subscribe at andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/. Again,
it’s andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/. I will see you next time.