I’m Andrea Giles and you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast,
episode number 160, What’s Possible After Infidelity.

Hello and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity podcast where courageous
women learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become
the boldest, truest, most decisive, and confident versions of themselves
ever. If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently
living but don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place.
Stick around to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks
off. Is it possible? It is. And I’m here to show you how. I’m your host,
Andrea Giles. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

Hi, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome. I have a fun episode for you
today. My hope, my intention is that you leave this episode with a little
spring in your step, with a little more hope than you had before you turned
on this episode. What I’m going to do today is I’m sharing with you real
stories of real clients that I have really worked with, some that I’m
currently working with and some that I’ve worked with in the past, and what
has transformed for them, what is possible, what’s possible for them, which
guess what? Then becomes possible for you.

I decided to do this episode because often when people reach out to me,
they’re so embarrassed. They’re so embarrassed, and they often think that
their situation is much worse than other people’s, or that surely this kind
of thing doesn’t happen very often, or my situation is more shameful than
others. I’m here to tell you, I’ve heard pretty much everything at this
point. Nothing is too much or too sensational or anything like that. I
understand that for you, for you it’s a big deal. I understand that for you,
it has rocked your world. So this is not to minimize it, but to say I get
it. And other people have experienced lots of different things too, meaning
you’re in good company, that you’re not actually alone, that there are
other people who are experiencing or have experienced things that are very
similar to what you’re experiencing, and I want to kind of normalize that
for you. Not to make infidelity normal, but to normalize how difficult it
can be and also what’s possible despite how difficult it can be, okay?

All right. So I am going to be sharing with you some real situations, real
things that are hopefully going to help you get a sense of what you might
need, of what kind of thing might be possible for you, of what your problem
that needs to be solved is. Now, why do I say that? All the time when
people first reach out, they tell me an iteration of, “I feel so stuck. My
confidence is so low. I’m so embarrassed. I feel ashamed. I don’t know if I
should stay or if I go. Either way, it doesn’t sound great.” Some iteration
of that. And the thing is, it’s my job to look at your situation and to
identify what’s actually happening.

So, for example, if we go to the doctor and say, “My leg really hurts.
Every night when I try to sleep, my leg hurts and I have a hard time
sleeping, and then I wake up and it hurts even more. And then when I try to
stand up in the morning, it’s so sore and it’s hard to get around, and just
make my leg stop hurting.” Right?

Now, on the surface, just make the leg stop hurting is what we want. We
want to just stop hurting. But in reality, the thing that’s actually going
to make the leg stop hurting is somebody who can diagnose what’s going on
with the leg. Rather than just throwing some medicine at it or some more
generic type things towards your problem, we’re going to get very specific,
very granular, we’re going to diagnose, and then we’re going to treat,
we’re going to heal. And that is my approach.

So when I start to work with people, rather than just throwing general good
practices at my clients, I get pretty specific. Inside my program, inside
my one-on-one, we do a lot of really understanding what the problem is so
that we can really solve for it and then figure out what area of growth is
needed, what skills are needed to fix the problem.

So with each example that I’m going to give you, I’m going to tell you what
the problem actually was, what the thing is that needed to happen for this
client to have the result that I’m sharing with you, okay?

All right. Here we go. This one is currently in my program and she came to
the program with the infidelity happening fairly recently. She found out
not that long ago, and it has been a huge, huge disruption in her life, as
you all know. There are kids involved, there are many years of marriage
involved. It was with somebody that they both are close with, so it felt
like a double betrayal, and she came to the program really, really angry, a
lot of rage, a lot of anger, a lot of times where when she was with her
husband, she couldn’t help but just kind of fly off the handle and just tell
him all the things and kind of angry rant of, “How could you? How could you
do this?” That kind of thing. And she was in a ton of pain, just a ton of
pain.

After really hearing her and talking about what’s going on with her and
hearing some of the specific examples of what’s going on, some of the
things that we uncovered are that she knew that she had a really good sense
that there were things off, that she muted her voice, that she dismissed her
voice, that she kept quiet. And this is in no way to blame her. Not at all.
In no way to blame her, but to see where she has a voice and where she
needs to use that voice now in really driving things forward.

And where I’m so, so proud of this client of mine is we’ve only been
together in this group for four months. That’s it. Four months. And in this
time, she has taken this extreme anger and turned it into learning how to
connect at a deeper level than she ever has with her husband in four months,
being very, very intentional about the repair, very intentional about what
she will allow in her mind and what she will not, where she will focus her
attention, where she will not, what discussions she’s going to engage in,
which one’s she’s not. She has learned to have really strong boundaries
around where she lets her mind go.

She shared an example recently about how a trigger came up for her. It came
up, it was kind of out of nowhere after having a really good day. And
rather than letting it derail her entirely, she did mention to her spouse
that she was triggered, that there was something that bothered her. He
offered to talk about it, and she decided that that would not be useful,
that she did not need to, that she could handle it and metabolize it on her
own. How amazing is that? To know when to bring it and talk about it and
when to know that you can handle it and you can allow it. And she said that
it was within minutes that this passed through her and she was back into
herself and enjoyed the rest of her day. This was a huge, huge shift for
her from the beginning of the program.

She and her husband are more known to each other than they ever were
before, really showing themselves to each other, really knowing each other,
full transparency, really understanding what happened, really getting to a
place where they are so committed to what they’re building that part of that
rebuilding is knowing what actually needs to be left behind, what needs to
be left, what needs to be brought with.

And this client, she’s just having win after win. All these things coming
up for her that have the potential to be really, really painful around the
anniversary dates of when she found out, and rather than just assuming that
the next months are just going to be horrible and super difficult, instead,
she is super intentional and creating new traditions out the gate around
these dates, around some of the circumstances involving what happened.
She’s taking it and she’s saying, “Nope, I am not going to just lick my
wounds here. I am going to be intentional and decide what I’m going to do
with these days, how I’m going to feel.”

And when these inevitable feelings come up, when we sometimes just have
triggers come up that we don’t expect, that we don’t plan for, knowing how
to contain it. Knowing how to contain it. This is everything. Not letting
it burn things down, not letting it reverse all the work that you’ve done,
not letting it add a new painful thing to the marriage by your strong
reaction to the pain. Sometimes we feel something intense and then we react
to it and we end up having to go back and repair. Which is not the end of
the world, but when we’re trying to heal, it’s of course a little bit easier
to heal when we’re not adding new things to repair from by saying things or
doing things that are going to set us back, okay?

So this is this one client. Again, she’s only been in for four months. I
can’t wait to see how much changes for her. And on the last call she said,
“I decided to take a leap and join this program. And she said, I absolutely
know that I would not have these results if I didn’t.” And she’s just
grateful to be there and is leading out with really changing her own life
and changing her relationship.

Okay. Another client that I worked with a while back, this client had a
situation that I don’t think I’ve ever talked about this kind of situation,
and it is definitely time. Why? Sometimes, like I said, we have situations
that we think are particularly dirty or particularly shameful, and let’s
talk about it. Let’s talk about the situations, bring them to the surface.
And guess what? When we talk about things, shame melts away. Shame thrives
in secrecy. It thrives. It’s like a black mold. Let’s talk about it.

This client came to me because her husband of many years was having
multiple affairs with members of the same sex. So heterosexual couple with
him having homosexual relationships. Multiple times, multiple people.
Ultimately, this person decided that he wanted to explore this lifestyle
more. He decided he wanted to get divorced, and that is when I started
working with this client.

As you can imagine, when she started with me, she was shaky. She was
deeply, deeply hurt. She felt rejected. She felt like she had sacrificed
and done so much for this man and to only be kicked to the curb. Even
though I can see that that’s not the case, that’s how it felt to her. And
she was heartbroken because her children were very confused and some of them
were siding with him and some were siding with her, some didn’t want to talk
to her for a little while. There was a lot of pain involved, a lot of pain.

And over time, working with this client, she completely was able to change
her relationship with how she saw all of it. So part of the struggle is
that when she came, she had such a strong story about how damaged her
children were from it, how damaged she was, how broken she was, how it
would never be the same, how all the things that she had worked so much for
were just gone. And through our time together, she was able to kind of take
that story apart, deconstruct it, really tear it apart, and build a story
that she was so proud of, look at the parts where she was amazing and
incredible and always showed up for her kids the way she showed up for him,
the way that she parented, the way that she was, the person that she is in
this world.

And through that, she was able to gain some of her confidence back. She was
able to learn how to set boundaries. When we first started, she had kind of
the mindset that she had to just kind of take his lousy behavior, take some
of his meanness, even from the standpoint of if he perceives me as mean,
he’s going to drag my name through the mud. He’s going to try to manipulate
the kids, take the kids. She didn’t really know what he would do. And so
there was a part of her that was kind of tiptoeing around things, worried
about setting boundaries with him. By the time we were done, she was able
to set strong boundaries. She was able to say no. She was able to allow
certain kinds of messages from him when it was related to the kids and not
discuss other things. She really took her peace back. She took it back.

Fast-forward, this person left working with me, started dating a wonderful
man, and is so happy with him. She’s so happy with him. She has more
happiness there than she did before. And I hear from this client here and
there just telling me how happy she is and saying, “I know I would not be
here. I would know I would not be in this position if it weren’t for working
with you.”

And I share this because I know some of you listening are in the same boat
where there’s not just the infidelity, but there’s an extra layer of it
being with the same sex. And this can be a little different. It can feel a
little more challenging. It can feel a little bit even more of a rejection,
like not just rejecting me as a wife, but rejecting me as a woman. And I’m
here to tell you, please listen to me, that that is just not the case. It’s
far more deep than that. It goes way back. There are things that were in
play long before you ever came into the picture that were acted out while
being married to you.

But this client has been able to really find peace with where she’s at and
even find peace with where he’s at. They’ve been able to learn how to
parent better together, letting him kind of do his thing while setting
boundaries in a way that feels safe for everyone involved, but being able
to co-parent fairly well. That is also possible for you.

Okay. Next example. This is a very, very dear beloved client of mine. All
of my clients are. They’re all so loved by me. This client I’ve been with
for quite a while. She joined last year. She came to my in-person retreat.
And when she joined, the status of her situation was she was separated, he
was living somewhere else. She was alone, she was angry, she was in so much
pain. In her own words, she felt very desperate. She felt very desperate,
didn’t know what to do. And she joined my program because she felt hope
when she talked to me and when she heard my podcast. She said that it
resonated with her and that she did not hesitate and jumped in, going, “I
know I need that help.”

Now, she just was looking for some kind of hope, some kind of relief. She
didn’t know what to do. And what I could see is that she was kind of
waiting for something to happen. She was kind of waiting maybe for him to
come back home and say, “Okay, this is what I want. I want to make this
work. I want to make this happen.” And what I could see is that this was a
pattern. This was a problem, a pattern. It was a symptom of the kind of
marital patterns that they were in, of just kind of sitting back, being a
little more passive, kind of waiting on things, not being as assertive as
she could be. And what ended up happening is she was able to really own, “I
want him to come home. Because if he does not come home, we don’t have a
shot. It’s not happening. And I want him to come home.” And at that point,
he was saying that he wanted to make it work, but they had zero plans of
when he was going to come home.

And so she spoke up and said, “All right. I want you to come home. We’ve
got to work on this together. We’ve got to figure out what we want
together.” And he did come home. And from there, they started to rebuild
and it was very intentional.

When she first joined my program, she was hesitant about the group aspect
because she was pretty quiet around other women. She says that she was the
type that didn’t talk a whole lot in groups, that kind of kept to herself
before coming into my space. And now she is open. Open to her friends, open
in her community, in her marriage, in her home. In my group, she has been
quite a leader. She has spoken a lot. And her own mother said about her,
“You look different. You look different.” She’s a changed person. She
really is.

This person now will openly say that she’s glad that it happened because it
woke them up. She said, “There’s no way that we would be where we are if
this crisis didn’t happen because it forced us to look at things, it forced
us to level up to really intentionally decide what we want instead of
sitting on the sidelines and just kind of waiting.”

It’s been such a joy to coach this person and she actually just graduated
my program. She’s ready to not be in the program. And ultimately, that’s
what I want for all of my clients. I don’t want you to feel like you are in
so much pain that you still need to come two years, three years out, right?
I want you to graduate, I want you to go live your life and have this be
just one part of your life. And this client is there. She’s taken the
skills, she’s run with it. She came to every call. She had her notebook, she
did all the homework. She asked questions. She got coaching. She totally
took advantage of it, and she really genuinely has changed her life,
changed her marriage, changed herself from the inside out. It’s such an
inspiration.

To this client, if you are listening, you’ve been such a joy to coach. I
think you know who you are.

All right. Now another client. This is actually two. Two clients. I do have
my group that’s for women, but I also work with couples, and this is
individual. I don’t have a group for couples.

A while back, I started working individually with a woman, and then she
joined my group, and then I started working with her and her husband at the
same time, and their story is one that’s interesting and not typical of how
things go. Usually after infidelity, people in mainstream, they’ll maybe
stay together because they don’t want to rock the boat, they don’t want to
create too many issues for the kids, things like that. And so they stay
together and patch it up as best they can and get to a place where they
maybe don’t hate each other, but it’s just kind of so-so. They’re not
totally connected. The woman still kind of feels pain and sadness that it
happened, and she might be functional and actually put herself out there a
lot, but kind of carry around this shadow and say that they’re happy enough
but never really feel like they’re thriving.

Or the alternative to that is that they’ll get divorced and each person
will go their way and often repeat the same patterns, marry the same kinds
of people, or stay single or ruling out ever being in a committed
relationship again because it’s too painful and too risky.

And statistically, although more relationships actually stay together than
get divorced, I would say statistically even then, most of them aren’t
particularly happy. I have lots of people who come to me that found out
many years ago, and they are over hurting. They’re over feeling like they
can’t fully commit because there’s still things that are unfinished within
them.

This particular couple came to me because there was an infidelity. There
was infidelity. They knew they really cared about each other. But I
remember the session well. I remember it well. I told the gentleman in
question that I could see that he was not all in, that there was a part of
him that he was holding back from her. There’s a part of him that he was
not letting her see. There are things that he was doing that she could see
were not quite who she used to know, that he was still holding back, and
that was not enough for her. She was very clear. She was willing to
forgive, she was willing to grow, she was willing to look at her part in
some of the marital issues that they had, but she was not willing to
settle, she was not willing to commit all the way when she could see that
he was not committed all the way.

To make a long story short, this couple ended up getting divorced. They got
divorced and in a little while, after they each had different experiences,
they ended up dating again. And this male client of mine decided that he
had made some mistakes, that he was willing and ready and wanting to go all
in. He recognized where he let fear and doubt get in the way in the first
place and he went all in fully committed, I’ll do whatever it takes.
Because that is what this client of mine wanted all along, the love was
there, the care was there, she decided to give it a shot.

Just last week, I heard from this client, the one that I originally worked
with, saying that they’re doing so well and that he is a different man.
They’re doing so well, and I actually am going to have a catch-up chat with
them next week and talk with them. And I asked permission to share and they
said yes. They said, “If this can help somebody else, please share.”

This is what’s possible when you have the tools to know what to do with all
the hurt, all the pain, rather than just pushing it aside, rather than
distracting yourself, keeping yourself busy, actual healing, actual
connection and joy and peace can be yours when you know what to do with the
problems that you have, when you’re willing to face them.

This couple recognized that the infidelity was a symptom, as it always is,
of both of them not having strong communication skills, both of them having
wants and needs that they didn’t know how to articulate, and then kind of
holding some resentments to each other for it, blaming each other for those
things. Now they are open, they talk about things, they manage their own
emotions around when the other person doesn’t agree with them without
getting into arguments or stonewalling or some of the things that happened
before, shutting down, pulling away, or becoming explosive. They know what
their patterns are, they see them, and they’ve chosen to do different things
with them and staying connected. Their commitment is to connection above all
else, and that’s why they are being successful. They’re bringing the best of
themselves to the game.

All right. I could go on and on with lots more stories, lots more examples,
but I’m going to leave it here because there are some examples there of
people staying, of people leaving. Success either way. Your situation is
not too messy. It’s not. Your situation isn’t so unlike anyone else’s that
there’s nothing out there that’s going to work for me.

I hope that this episode brings you some assurance that maybe, just maybe
there are others out there like you. That maybe, just maybe you can figure
out and learn how to overcome this too, how to feel peace again, how to
feel like yourself again, how to stop feeling so small, how to feel like
you have shrunken yourself. There’s hope for you too. I will say it does not
come on its own. It will not just magically appear. Our brains are too
strong for that.

Your sense of safety has been threatened by his infidelity. Our brains are
wired to keep us safe because there is a real threat to your emotional
safety, even your physical safety, where we would need to be in tribes. Our
biological need is to be with other people, and so when that is threatened,
our brains are going to go haywire and remind us of it constantly until we
learn how to work with that part of our brain that wants us to survive. But
that keeps us in a lot of pain. It will keep regurgitating the same painful
stories, reminding us how we’re not safe, reminding us not to commit, don’t
go all in, it’s too scary. The other shoe’s going to drop. What are you
doing? What are you thinking?

I’m here to tell you, our brain will stay very, very active and keep us in
that space until you learn how to tame it, until you learn what to do with
it, until you learn what the actual problem is. Yes, your safety was
threatened, but let’s go deeper into what is the actual problem here.

When we can diagnose the actual problem, get data that backs up solutions,
that backs up what’s actually happening, it calms that part of our brain
down. We stop being so afraid. When we have solid data, solid plans, solid
things that we’re going to do to keep ourselves safe, our brains start to
settle down.

All right. Thank you for being here today. I invite you if you would like
the kind of help that you have been hearing about today, I invite you to
apply to be a part of the program, Get Your Life Back After Infidelity. I
would love to have you join me. I do have a spot or two open right now for
couples coaching if you are interested in that. You can email me at
andrea@andreagiles.com and we can discuss those options, and I really
appreciate you being here with me today. Take care.

Thank you for listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast. If you would
like to be kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast
episodes, and other ways of working with me, go subscribe to my weekly
email. You can subscribe at andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/. Again,
it’s andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/. I will see you next time.