I’m Andrea Giles and you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast,
episode number 192, What It Means to Be All In.

(00:13):

Hello and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity podcast for courageous women
learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become the
boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves ever. If
you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently living but
don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place. Stick around
to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks off. Is it
possible? It is, and I’m here to show you how I’m your host, Andrea Giles.
Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

(00:49):

Hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of Heal from Infidelity.
I recently got a question from one of you listeners asking about what it
means to be all in going all in on your relationship was the context of the
question. The irony in this, or serendipitous rather, is that every year I
choose a word or a phrase or something that is meaningful to me that I
direct myself back to as kind of the direction I want to go that year.
Something I really want to lean into and my two words of the year are all
in, all in, and this came about for me from areas where I see myself hold
myself back, where I see myself sometimes going into an old way of thinking
or an old pattern or an old way of viewing myself, things like that and
going, Nope, this is where I go on and this is the year where I bust through
those things and face the fears that are keeping me from going all in.

(01:57):

Face them, hit them head on and come what may and deal with the anxiety in
me in going all in, whatever fears come up, any of those things. And so I
love this woman’s question, so listener out there, thank you for your
question and what this has really sparked in me is something much deeper and
I’m going to just touch on it today. What has sparked me is something much
deeper within myself and for all of you, and I hope that it’s helpful to
you. I want you to stick around this episode because there’s something I’m
going to be sharing at the end that you’ll want to hear about. First of all,
I’ll share one thing. Now, I recently just last week launched something new
that I think you’re going to really love. You’re already here listening to
my podcast. I decided to step things up a notch.

(02:53):

There’s so many times that I just want to talk to my people. I just want to
share things with you, tell you in real time what I’m seeing, what I know,
how I can help you. Things to think about in real time when you’re going
about your life, and I have decided, and already did, I decided to create
what’s called a telegram channel, and Telegram is a free app that you just
download anywhere and then you get a link to my particular telegram channel
once you purchase it and you get audios every week. For me, at least two
audios a week ongoing. It’s a membership type thing where you pay a monthly
fee, a low monthly fee to be in there. You can cancel it whenever you want
and it’s awesome. It’s awesome. And I can tell you that the audios that I’ve
already dropped in there are gold.

(03:42):

They are straight from my heart. They’re straight from what I see working
and not working every day in my work with my clients. They are innovative
and they are designed to help you. Now they’re designed to get you moving
Now, right now go listen to it, take action from it, go change your life.
Another thing about this particular channel is that I intentionally created
it not just for people who have been betrayed but for everyone involved,
men, women, the one who was unfaithful, the one who was betrayed, everyone
involved. I’ve been speaking to all sides here because everyone needs
healing after infidelity and hearing the views of both sides can really help
us broaden our healing. To hear all of the nuances, to hear in more depth
with more specific stories and examples and right on the ground with you, it
can help everyone involved.

(04:38):

Okay? So you’ll see a link for that in the show notes. Again, it is $97 a
month. You can cancel anytime. I’m telling you it’s already worth so much
more than that and I want to offer it to you at that price. Okay, so go get
that. At the end of this, I’m going to tell you about another thing that I
have going on that is directly related to this episode, but first I want to
get to it. Okay, so all in, what does it mean? Okay? First of all, there’s
some questions that I get around. I want to know if he is all in, alright? I
want to know if he’s all in, what does it mean for me to be all in? And
often this is in relation to our actions with another person or their
actions or inactions in relation to us, right?

(05:26):

It’s very valid. It’s a very thing to want to know, but what I’ve been
thinking about and what I want to share here is something that is much more
important. Are you all in? Not on the relationship, not on him, on you? Are
you all in on you? And that’s what this is actually going to be about today.
I know that the question might be, well, how do I know if he’s all in and
how do I be all in and I can do some future work around this? But today we
can’t be all in on anyone or anything and really truly say that we’re giving
it our all until we are all in on ourselves. I want you to think about a
time in your life where you gave everything you had, where you were fully
committed to something and gave it everything you had, a goal, a project,
something that you knew mattered to you, something that you really, really
cared about, where you would not stop.

(06:32):

I can give an example of this for me. My first year, my first full year of
coaching, I was invited to work. I worked for another coaching team while I
was building my own practice and was tasked with getting 50 people into this
program. That was several thousand dollars and I had a short window of time
to do this, and it was a program that I had been through that I totally
believed in and I was going to hit that goal, and so I did everything that I
knew how to do everything all the time. I’m like, okay, what else? What else
can I do? How else can I let people know the value of this? What else? What
else, what else? And ultimately, I sold 51 spots. That’s a time in my life
that I know that I gave it everything I had, I was all in.

(07:27):

I was super uncomfortable, super uncomfortable because I was pushing myself
in a way that I never had before in that regard with Sally, with really
talking about this program with really sticking my neck on the line. You
have examples of this too of times that you were all in where you gave it
everything you had where you can say, I left everything on the table there.
I gave it all up. And why that matters so much is because when we are saying
we’re all in, there’s a commitment to when you have moments of frustration,
when you have moments of fear, when you have moments of doubt, when you have
moments of, I don’t know if I can do this, you’re committing to coming back
around that you’re committing to staying with it, sticking with it. I’m not
abandoning myself or whatever it is that you’re committing to.

(08:16):

And in this context, we’re going to talk about being all in with yourself,
okay? I’m going to go ahead and dive in. Alright, so most of us, especially
those who have experienced betrayal, have learned that love sometimes means
staying quiet, pleasing, accommodating, waiting till everyone else is
settled or doing well before tending to ourselves. Sometimes there’s a
buildup and a buildup and then kind of there she blows. There he blows.
Where there’s a release where you think you’re telling the truth, where you
think you’re doing this good thing by finally sharing how you feel. But
there’s been such a buildup that the way that we share sometimes is often
not received the way we want it to be received. Every time you override what
you feel or what you want or what you know, you’re actually not keeping the
peace. You’re losing your peace. You’re actually taking it from you.

(09:09):

Every time you override that, every time you sit back and go, I don’t know,
I do feel this way, but I’m going to just hold back and keep it to myself
and I can deal with it, I can be strong and we let turmoil or things that
could be resolved or that could be lessened by getting them outside of our
body by talking, by sharing, by expressing, by owning. We turn that
internally, we internalize it and let that turmoil live within us. And often
what this does is it creates all kinds of havoc inside our bodies because
it’s just hanging out there with no way to get out. And ironically, the more
you abandon yourself, the more unstable the relationship becomes. So
sometimes we want to reverse this and go, okay, I’m all in. I’m going to be
all in. I’m going to be committed.

(10:02):

I’m here. We’re going to figure this out. But if this is coming from a shaky
place within yourself, there’s nothing that you can do to actually be all in
because there’s not enough solid with you to be able to stand up to actually
be all in. We have to be all in on ourselves and build up ourselves and get
off of shaky ground within ourselves first, before we can be all in with
anything or anyone. No one, not even a partner who’s trying, not even
someone who’s checking all the boxes can really meet you very deeply if you
are not solid within yourself or learning to be solid, learning to be solid.
Okay? Alright, so what all in is not, let’s get really clear on that. All in
is not about proving yourself. It’s not about getting louder and speaking
more boldly. Sometimes it is okay, sometimes it is.

(11:02):

But if it’s coming from a place of fear and shakiness as a means to try to
control or as a means to try to get validation, if that doesn’t come back to
us, we often go back to that shaky place within ourselves, or even if it is
met in a way with somebody else’s strength, if it’s not coming from strength
within us, we may question it and back off of the thing that we said, going
all in on you does not mean doing more. It does not mean bending over
backwards to fix what someone else broke. It does not mean that. It does not
mean over functioning. It means stopping waiting for permission to be you.
It means that you are stopping outsourcing your worth. It means you stop
asking what do they want me to be? And instead start asking, who do I want
to be for me?

(11:57):

Who do I want to be? What do I want? Okay. Some signs that you’re not all in
on you yet. You might be stuck here in half, in half out energy if for
example, you still scan your partner’s behavior before you make your own
choices. You’re kind of hedging your bets. You’re like, okay, well, okay,
this is the mood today. There’s this tension. There’s this thing that
happened at work, so I’m kind of nervous to say anything and you’re holding
yourself back. Now, I’m not suggesting just say whatever you want, whenever
you want. There is wisdom in being caring about another person, caring about
the experience of somebody else, but how often are we holding ourselves
back, waiting for the perfect moment that never comes feeling anxious most
of the time and numb the rest of it. That’s a sign that you’re not all in on
you.

(12:53):

That’s a sign that you’re looking outside yourself for a measure of peace.
You’re looking for outside indicators that it’s okay to feel safe inside
rather than learning how to feel safe inside and then looking at outside
indicators to decide course of action, how to respond, things like that.
Another sign you’re not all in is you’re exhausted by the thought of
starting over, but you’re also worn out from trying to stay. Or if you’re
already out, you’re out and either you are still resisting it or you are
thinking that your glory days are over and there’s nothing more for you and
you are focusing on your age and on what’s lost on all of those things,
rather than looking at what you want to build. It’s okay if you resonate
with any or all of these things, please know that. Please know that’s why
I’m recording this.

(13:54):

It’s okay. Even in doing this, I’m like, oh, mama, meaning me, mama. I need
some work in that area. I need some work in that. It’s kind of an ongoing
thing, but this is to help you assess where you’re at. It is okay, if this
is you, there’s nothing wrong with you, but in this space, you’re likely
carrying a painful belief that your healing has to wait until he or she
figures it out, until I see if this person is totally changing the way that
they’ve always done things so I can feel safe again until the relationship
is more stable, until you know what to do, et cetera. Okay? The truth though
is that nothing changes, not in you, not in your life until you decide to go
all in on yourself. First, circumstances may look different on the outside,
but we carry ourselves and our patterns and our way being with us wherever
we are.

(14:53):

Okay? I want you to think about a structure, maybe let’s call it a bridge,
okay? That there’s this bridge and the bridge looks amazingly solid.
Everybody’s like, look at that beautiful shiny bridge and how strong it is,
and it’s so beautiful, but what you can’t see on the outside is that the
internal structure of this bridge is faulty at best. That bridge actually is
not real stable, that that bridge was built in a hurry. It was built in a
hurry to make money in a hurry to solve a problem of getting from one point
to another, but that what was missed was the time and the presence and the
commitment to building something sustainable over time, not just this quick
fix to fix a problem right Now. You can see where that’s going. You can see
over time what’s going to happen to that bridge.

(15:49):

We are the same. We want the quick fix. We want to know how this is going to
go. We want to get from point A to point B as quickly as possible. Thank you
very much, and often sidestep or put on the very back burner, the internal
building that has to happen, the internal repair that has to happen and that
creates issues. So what happens when you do choose you? What changes for you
is basically everything. Basically everything. When you choose to go all in
on you, what happens is you start leading your life from a place of internal
steadiness, a place of internal peace that’s not contingent on what’s going
on around you. There’s this sort of releasing of needing things to go a
certain way for you to be okay. There’s a sort of peace and going, huh, I
still kind of want it to go this way, but it doesn’t have to go this way
anymore.

(16:47):

What happens as you start to do this work is your decisions get cleaner,
your boundaries get clearer, your fear of loss gets smaller, and you get
more energy back in your body, more like life force feeling more like
yourself. And from that place, we can take that energy and those resources
and decide where we want to put them, where we want to say, I’m all in. It’s
not the other way around. It can’t be the other way around where we say
we’re all in a relationship and leaving a relationship and going and
building a life. When we are constantly outsourcing how we feel on the
inside, this is the most important work you can do. It is the most important
work you can do. This is the work that transforms relationships. This is the
work that lets our children know that they are actually safe because we can
manage ourselves, because we can handle ourselves, and this is the work that
I’m inviting you into.

(17:59):

So I said that I had something at the end. I want to tell you about it.
Three times a year, I host a virtual retreat for all of my members inside my
Get Your Life Back After Infidelity Group, and on June 17th, I’m hosting my
next virtual event. It’s all day, and the theme is all in, we are going to
spend the day learning, not just for me, but from other experts,
workshopping making a plan of exactly pen to paper, what your all in plan
looks like with help, with feedback, with discussion among the group. You
are going to leave that day knowing what you are going to do to take good
care of yourself in a way that you can sustain every single day, knowing
that you are taking care of your own foundation, and that all else will come
from there. This is only available to people inside my group.

(19:02):

This is the time. This is the time to go get your application in and get in
the group so you can be there. Also, this new Telegram channel that I
mentioned at the beginning of the call, this is free for everyone inside my
group. It’s free. You get access to it for as long as you are in that group.
So go get your applications in, get in that call on June 17th. It will
change your life. This is where we’re drawing a line in the sand, my
friends. This is where we’re saying, this is what I’m committing to. No
matter what, you’ll leave that day with that kind of commitment within
yourself, you’re going to leave feeling different than you have in a long
time. Clearer, stronger, ready with a plan, not just, yeah, let’s go. I feel
so good, and then you don’t know what you’re doing, and so you falter right?
This, you’re going to leave with a plan. You’re going to know exactly what
you’re going to be doing. You’re going to know exactly what your all in plan
looks like and how you’re going to follow through. Go get your applications
in. Let’s get you in there. Let’s go all in. My friends, thank you so much
for being here, and I love you, and I’ll talk to you soon.

(20:21):

Thank you for listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast. If you would
like to be kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast
episodes, and other ways of working with me, go subscribe to my weekly
email. You can subscribe@andreagiles.com slash lies infidelity slash. Again,
it’s andrea giles.com/lies about dash infidelity slash I will see you next
time.