Values | Ep #39

I’m Andrea Giles. And you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity Podcast,
episode number 39, Values.

Hello, and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity podcast for courageous
women, learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become
the boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves
ever. If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently
living, but don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place.
Stick around to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks
off. Is it possible? It is. And I’m here to show you how. I’m your host,
Andrea Giles. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

Hey, everybody. I hope you are doing so well this fine Friday. At least
this is when you’re going to hear it, it’s on Friday. So today we’re going
to be talking all about values. Now I got to say, I always enjoy recording
my podcast. It’s fun. I enjoy the study for it. I enjoy researching,
thinking about my people and what you might need. I’ve had a lot of fun
getting ready for this one. I’ve had a lot of fun researching, thinking,
studying, and now recording. And I hope you enjoy it.

I recently started my very first group coaching program, which I love so
much. I love it. It’s so much fun. And something we’re working on right now
is identifying values. So I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I also had
an experience recently where I was worked up about something and I had a
moment in the middle of the night where I woke up and I remembered what my
values are and that the thoughts that I was having were not in alignment
with my values. And just like that, I was able to clean up my thinking,
step back into alignment with who I wanted to be, who I am, and set those
things down.

So values have been something that I’ve been really giving a lot of
attention to. And I want to share with you and teach you why they matter.
They really, really matter. Okay? Listen to the whole thing today. I want
you to listen all the way to the end. So today I’m going to talk about what
values are, why they matter, how you can use your own values to guide your
decision-making process, how to identify what your values are, and how to
put them into practice, how to use them. Okay?

So first of all, the definition I found of values is that it’s person’s
principles or standards of behavior, one’s judgment of what is important in
life. So values serve as a guide. They serve as guideposts along our
journey of life. Values can help dictate behaviors and actions. They can
help correct our thoughts, help steer us in the way we want to go.

So how many of you have ever had a mentor or a teacher who has helped
remind you who you are? You might be going down one path or thinking in a
certain way, forgetting who you are. And this mentor kind of whips you back
into shape. Maybe it’s a coach, maybe it’s a choir teacher or something
like that. But somebody who sees you, who helps you remember who you are,
and calls you to step up into something more. Values can be that for you.
Values can be bigger than just you and help you get back in alignment with
who you want to be in the world. Values support everything you do in your
life. And I’ll share more what I mean as I go.

Okay. So where do values come from? So at first, values can be taught to us
in our homes and in our communities. We may be taught, for example, to
value obedience above all else. We may be taught the merits of obedience.
We may agree to it unconsciously without giving it a thought, this is just
what I do. But as we grow and mature, we may realize that there are things
we are giving obedience to, that we don’t necessarily agree with. It may be
a cultural thing that someone thought was a good idea, but no longer is
holding up for you. You may feel it come up when your child is getting in
trouble at school for challenging political beliefs of a teacher and
saying, “I disagree.” You may get some pushback on your own ideas of
obedience. You may want to challenge it. Okay? Values can change, or we can
keep that value and define it in a way that feels real and true for us.

Another example of this is maybe we are taught frugality, be frugal. It may
have served us very well in saving money, making the dollar stretch, making
things for less than buying them. But we make it to the point where we
realize what we actually value is abundance. We value abundance. We want to
know that there’s always more where that came from, that we can create,
that we can create money, that we can create resources, trusting our own
abilities to be resourceful. That value of frugality may no longer service.
It may no longer line up with who we want to be. Okay?

So like I said before, values serve as guides and doing the work of
identifying your values requires focused attention. It requires a calm,
unbiased mind, and a willingness to tell the truth to yourself. This is
done from that part of your brain that you hear me talk about, the
prefrontal cortex, which is the wisest and most knowing part of our brain.
It’s a very calm part of our brain. When we identify our values from that
place and commit to them, when our higher brain is offline, meaning, let’s
say we’re like panicking about something, our higher brain is like shutting
down. We’re not accessing that part. We’re listening to the toddler brain.
Those values can be like the wise older brother or sister that’s like, hey,
let’s check in what’s going on, and remind us of who we are, who we want to
be and where we’re going.

Our values can keep us safe. By trusting that we made the values from our
wisest selves, we can trust them when things feel hard or even scary. We
can trust that that was our most wise self speaking. So for example, if we
get pulled into an old way of thinking about something and identify that it
does not line up with our values, we can get ourselves back in check. We
can remind ourselves who we are, get our feet back on the ground.

Another way values can serve us is in getting out of comparison mode. So
for example, let’s say that one person’s value, one of her values is
cleanliness. Okay? So you have this friend, you go to her house, she really
highly values cleanliness. It deeply matters to them. We may go to their
home and think that we should be more like them and come home and feel bad.
Like what’s wrong with me? Why does my house not look like hers? Maybe I
should care more about how my house looks so it would look more like hers.
This is where knowing what your values are really can be helpful. If
cleanliness is not one of your values, but creativity is, although you know
how to clean, you know how to have a clean home, it may not line up with
you to spend a lot of time cleaning. It may be more in alignment with you
and bring you more joy and abundance to paint or bake or sew or write.
Okay?

Now, how can values serve as decision makers? Let me tell you. Okay? I’m
going to give you some examples from some real clients. One of my clients
highly values honesty. She holds herself to a high standard of telling the
truth and she expects it from others. When she found out that her spouse
was being less than honest, it came up against her values and she has asked
herself some tough questions. So the question is, does someone else have to
have the same values as you for you to stay in a relationship? No, they do
not, but you get to decide what you’re willing to tolerate. You get to use
your own values to gauge, one, how honest you’re being. Are you really
being honest?

And I don’t mean like lying. Okay? That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m
more talking about, are you really letting your spouse see you? Are you
caring more about your feelings than theirs? Meaning are you not shoving
stuff down, hiding things because you’re afraid of what they’re going to
think of how you actually feel. If you value honesty, are you willing to
let them see those things, even if it might be uncomfortable? So she can
use that value to guide where her own boundaries are around honesty and
what she will be willing to do and accept moving forward.

Another client values commitment. She’s committed to her children. She’s
committed to her spouse over the years. But when he told her the truth, he
said that he’d rather not be committed, that he’s only staying because he
feels like he has to, even though he doesn’t want to. And that does not
line up with her values. She wants to be with someone who is all in, as all
in as she is, because that is who she is. So she’s ending the relationship.
She’s willing to feel temporary discomfort in service of what she wants
most, which is fully I’m in commitment.

So how do you go about identifying your values? So I’m going to give you
some tips. Okay? You might want to get a pen and paper and write some of
this down. I’m going to ask you some questions and I want you to answer
them. If you don’t have a pen and paper, you can push pause and think about
it. Okay? What are some of your favorite ways to spend time? I want you to
think about that. How do you like to spend your time? You can pause it
while your answer.

What are some of the most meaningful things in your life? What are they and
why do they matter to you? Again, you can push pause if you want to take
time to answer.

What are some of the things you feel passionately about? Not necessarily
negative or positive, it could be both. It could be an injustice, a good
cause, et cetera. Why do you have strong emotions around it?

Next, what are your favorite movies, quotes, songs? Do you see any themes?

So, as I was preparing this, I was thinking back to my favorite movies
throughout my life. And I remember some of my favorite movies and they all
have a theme. The earliest favorite movie that I can remember was Rocky. I
just really liked Rocky. He was strong. He was courageous. The next
favorite movie I had was Dead Poets Society with Robin Williams. Love that
movie. It’s so good. And it’s about being courageous, speaking up,
challenging the system, right? Courage. Another favorite is Pride and
Prejudice. There’s strong characters in there, right? Elizabeth Bennet.
She’s courageous. My favorite book of all time is Jane Eyre. Don’t know if
you’ve ever read it. She is one courageous character. Very courageous.

I had never put that together until I did this study for this episode, that
all of my favorites have that theme in common, the heroins are courageous.
Do you find any themes? Can you see any themes in the things that you
wrote, things that you get fired up about? Now, there are many, many
different values that you can pick. Okay? I’m going to read some, but
there’s too many to read. I think it would take too long, but I’ll read you
some. And I just want you to see if any jump out to you. You can go online
and Google list of values and you’ll find other lists. I want you to go do
that so you can identify which ones are yours, but here are some examples.

Accountability, abundance, adaptability, achievement, ambition, acceptance,
authenticity, balance, autonomy, beauty or aesthetics, being right, belief,
boldness, bravery, caring, caution, clarity, commitment, confidence,
certainty, charity, clarity, community, competitiveness, contribution,
curiosity, collaboration, competence, creativity, conviction, courage,
determination, diversity, dependability, directfulness, diplomacy,
dreaming, duty, efficiency, education, equality, economic security, fun,
faith, fairness, financial stability, generosity, happiness, health,
individuality, integrity, imagination, leadership, logic, listening, making
a difference, impact, justice, kindness, perseverance, personal
fulfillment, personal growth, professionalism, reliability, reputation,
resilience, mastery, merciful, nurturing, organization, liberation,
respect, risk-taking, responsibility, security, service, self-discipline,
stability, strength, success, synergy, teamwork, trust, understanding,
uniqueness, unity, virtue, vision, wealth, wellbeing, wisdom.

So I just rattled through a whole bunch and there are more. Okay? There’s
more. How you might have heard me say it there might be described in a
different way, in a word of your own. Okay? Now I want you to identify six
to 10 of your own values. No more. Keep it simple. Six to 10. Can you look
at those values that you’ve identified and see how they have served a
useful purpose for you in the past or in helping you determine where you’re
going in the future? How? How have they served you? Did you feel any
resistance or judgment to the values you identified? Why or why not?
Sometimes we might see something or see a value and go, oh, I should pick
that. That should be a value. Did you do that at all? Did you have any that
you picked that you’re like, eh, I shouldn’t have that as a value.

I want you to set that do down and actually pick what feels the most true.
If there’s something that you wanted to pick and you didn’t, go pick it.
Okay? How can you just recognize your values without judgment? Can you
appreciate what your values are? How will these values help you to set
boundaries, help define what you will say and do? What will you say yes and
no to? And determine where you will allow your thoughts to go.

So, like I said, at the beginning of this episode, I had an experience
recently where I was given a circumstance that I was having a whole lot of
thoughts about. And some doubt came in, a lot of doubt came in. And I was
really worked up in doubt and feeling kind of spinning out in it. And I
woke up in the middle of the night and I was reminded, Andrea, you’re a
believer. Belief is one of my core values, belief. You’re a believer. And
it helped me to notice what I was choosing to think and how it was not in
alignment with my core value of belief.

So what I did is I got up the next day and I drew a picture. I drew a
picture of me, a stick figure, it’s very good, with a big circle around me.
And inside that circle, I wrote my values and I wrote statements, like I
statements along with those. And I’m going to give you some examples here
in a second. But I said, I this, I believe. Different things that I
believe, I put it into sentence form. And then I put on the outside of the
circle, some of the thoughts that were creeping in that were no longer
welcome inside my circle, that they were not useful, that I could see that
they did not get me where I wanted to go. They were not lining up with my
values. And so I was able to use my values to clean up my thinking and get
back on track with where I actually wanted to go.

So I’m going to give you an example of putting it into sentence form. Okay?
Something I did in preparation for this podcast is I went and looked up
different companies and what their values are. It was super fun. Now, one
of the companies I looked up was Google. I looked up Google because my
first husband worked there and I got to go on the Google campus several
times. And it’s pretty awesome. And so I thought, I wonder what their
values are, where they created such an amazing place to work. So they have
10 sentences. They call them 10 things. And I took the liberty to find the
one word value that is in that sentence. Okay? I’m going to show you what I
mean.

So number one, focus on the user and all else will follow. The value I
attached to that is the individual, like the individual matters. Number
two, it’s best to do one thing really, really well. I put competence.
Number three, fast is better than slow. Efficiency. Number four, democracy
on the web works. Individuality. Number five, you don’t need to be at your
desk to need an answer. Freedom. Number six, you can make money without
doing evil. Abundance. Seven, there’s always more information out there.
Opportunity. Eight, the need for information crosses all borders.
Education. Number nine, you can be serious without a suit. Fun. Number 10,
great just isn’t good enough. Excellence.

This is what the founders of Google established at the very beginning of
their company as what their values are. And they still hold today. Even
though they have thousands of employees, that is still what they hold as
their values. I’m guessing they use those values as they make decisions of
where the company’s going to go. That’s the same thing I want you to do for
you. Values are not just for you. Think bigger. Values are bigger than the
individual. They direct where you’re going and affect the people around
you. We’re each a walking representation of ourselves, right? So even if we
don’t have a big corporation like Google or Amazon or some of these huge
companies, you still are representing you. How do you want to be
represented?

So the last thing I want you to do is I want you to get creative. I want
you to think of a creative way of memorizing and displaying your values. I
want you to know what they are inside and out. You could make a screensaver
and put it on your phone. You could do the same thing I did, where you make
a visual drawing of what stays in the circle with you and what stays
outside. You can get very specific with that. You can write very specific
thoughts that do not line up with the values inside the circle. I want you
to create something that helps you remember. Get your brain on board. This
is who we are. This is what we know.

Values strengthen over time. The more that we practice them, the more they
become part of our identity, just like my eye color. My eyes are green. I’m
a believer. The more I believe that, the more true it becomes. When that is
what is guiding me and guiding my thoughts, it means that it’s guiding my
thoughts, my feelings, and my actions, and ultimately getting me the
results that I want. They steer me where I want to go. Lean into them. Find
what your values are, lean into them.

So this is what I’m hoping. Okay? I love hearing from you. I’m hoping that
you will email me at andrea@andreagiles.com, and tell me what your values
are. I want to hear what you’ve identified. I want to hear all about it.
It’s so fun for me to hear from you. So share with me. Tell me what you
identified. What are your values? What lights you up? And I sincerely look
forward to hearing from you. That’s what I’ve got for you today, my
friends. I hope that it’s been helpful. Like I said, I’ve really enjoyed
putting this one together for you. And I will see you again next week.
Bye-bye.

Thank you for listening to the Heal From Infidelity Podcast. If you would
like to be kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast
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it’s andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/. I will see you next time.