The Cost of Indecision | Ep #55

I’m Andrea Giles and you’re listening to the Heal From Infidelity Podcast,
episode number 55, The Cost of Indecision. Hello and welcome to the Heal
From Infidelity Podcast where courageous women learn not only to heal from
their spouses betrayal but to become the boldest truest, most decisive and
confident verses of themselves ever. If you know there’s more for you than
the life you’re currently living but don’t quite know how to get there, you
are in the right place, stick around to learn how to create a life that
will knock your own socks off. Is that possible? It is and I’m here to show
you how. I’m your host Andrea Giles. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

Hi everybody, I hope that you’re doing well. I have had a really wonderful
last week I just went to Mexico for a really intense business training, I
came back with a lot to think about. I was there with a whole bunch of
coaches, it was intense in a beautiful location, and it’s just back to life
now, back to life, getting kids ready for school, all of that fun stuff.
But while I was away I was thinking a lot about the topic that we’re going
to cover today which is, the cost of indecision. So in my life I feel like
I have been more of an indecisive person than a decisive person and I have
grown a lot in that way through some of the tools I’m going to teach you.
But I have definitely struggled with this, I know that it’s a struggle for
a lot of people and so I decided to talk about it today and about what it
might be costing us to delay making decisions, okay? So we all have
decisions to make all the time, constantly, every day we have decisions to
make, right?

We have decisions of little things like what to wear, what to cook for
dinner, what to order at the restaurant, things like that, to some bigger
things like choosing a home to purchase or to rent or whatever, educational
pursuits, kids’ education, having kids or not having kids, moving, a career
change, getting married, staying married or not, right? Lots of big
decisions there. In this episode we’re going to talk about why we delay
decisions, what it is costing us, the real cost, and how to move out of
this and into action, okay? Because of the nature of this particular
podcast, I’ll be spending most of the time talking about the decision to
stay or leave a marriage. I’m also going to touch on how this shows up even
if you’re already single because your spouse left or because you chose
mutually to divorce, I promise there’s indecision there as well. We can
still be very much hung up in indecision even if the circumstance has
changed of not being married anymore and I’ll dive into that, okay?

But before I talk about that decision, I want to talk about what about some
other kinds of decisions. So let’s talk about changing a career or asking
for a raise or a promotion within your job. Some of the things that may
cost you by delaying making a decision are money, time, opportunities for
growth, appreciation for the job you do, and probably more than I’m not
even thinking of. So why money and time? Because if you know that there’s a
position that you want, if there’s a promotion that you want, first of all,
money, because guess what? They might say yes, give you the promotion and
get in, you’d make more money, okay? Time, what if you’re in a position
where you are required to work a lot and you never ones have spoken up
about it and asked that you want to honor your personal time more, right?
It’s costing you time. Costing you opportunity for growth, if you’re in a
job that you are very proficient at but that you can do with your eyes
closed, there might be a job that would challenge you more and might be
more rewarding.

And what if there is a cost here of opportunity for growth? What if you’re
in a job where it’s very thankless, where it’s not the kind of job where
your best skills and abilities shine through and often people might not see
you in there because it’s not really showcasing you? You’re costing
yourself real fulfillment in your work and appreciation for the job that
you do. So let’s say that that person wants a promotion and they went in
and asked for this promotion. And let me say this, often it’s not one big
decision, one and done, okay? Often it’s many little decisions that build
on top of each other. So the first decision is, I’m going to muster up some
courage and I’m going to go ask, I’m going to ask, okay? So this person
goes and asks for a promotion and just in asking they’re taking action. And
then guess what? The awesome thing is they’ll have an answer, they’ll have
a new data point to use in deciding what to do next that they didn’t have
before.

So if they said no, okay, information, noted, now what do I want to do? Do
I want to continue to stay here in this position or do I want to look
outside my company? They did not even have the information before, right?
So worst case scenario, they say no and then you have a new decision to
make but it’s coming with more knowledge, more information, right? Okay.
How about the decision to get married in the first place? Oftentimes we
delay, put it off and wait for a magical answer from heaven that will put
all our fears and doubts to bed and just make us feel so good about our
decision. While I have a spoiler alert for you, we have human brains that
will always be looking for problems unless we train them not to, and even
when we have a very highly trained brain, our brains will probably still
find a way to show us problems, it’s the way we’re wired, it’s to keep us
safe, okay?

Our brains would love us to just go live in a cave and hang out by ourself
or just with our little tribe and be safe and not go interact with the
people outside, right? And so we tend to look for danger everywhere, we’re
naturally inclined to be more negative than positive, isn’t that
interesting? So even if we had a magical answer straight from heaven, guess
what? We still have the human tendency to doubt, to fear and to look for
all the evidence of why we should not move forward so we still keep
ourselves stuck. It’s like we negotiate with that answer, with that
decision, we negotiate with it and say, maybe not, maybe I misread that,
maybe I didn’t really mean it, no, let’s just stay single, okay? So why do
we do this? The answer is the same no matter what the decision is we’re
trying to make, it always every single time is to avoid a feeling, there’s
something we don’t want to feel or experience, okay?

So in the example of the career change or asking for a raise, there’s
probably a really deep primal fear of rejection, it feels threatening so it
feels safer to stay in the current job than to risk being rejected or
judged. And unfortunately, a by-product of this is we end up judging
ourselves long before we give anyone else the chance, isn’t that crazy?
We’re so afraid of their judgment yet we’re already pre-judging ourself for
not stepping up and doing something different. We’re being judged anyway,
it’s like, who’s doing the judging? Me or them? Right? Okay. So I’m going
to give you some other reasons why we don’t decide. Okay. One is, people
pleasing, we get so worried about other people, what are they going to
think? I’ve got to manage what they think of me, if I ask for this, they
might think this about me.

I just had a client yesterday tell me that she’s trying to be more careful
in what she says yes to, what she says no to, and she said in the past she
has judged people who are good at saying no and she’s kind of thought that
they’re a little high on their hog, that they just say no, who do they
think they are? Shouldn’t they want to help with this and that? And now
she’s in this spot where she’s really seeing the need to learn to be just
like that, isn’t that interesting? So she’s stepping out of people pleasing
and learning to own her decisions and to only say yes when she wants to, no
when she wants to. Another reason that kind of goes along with people
pleasing is, more concerned about other’s feelings than we are our own.

The tricky part about this is that it goes along with people pleasing and
that people pleasing is a form of deceit because we’re saying yes, we’re
agreeing to things that we don’t actually agree to, that we don’t agree
with, and even though it might be in the name of not wanting to hurt other
people’s feelings, we’re really hurting our own, we’re really hurting
ourselves and we’re not showing up honestly to the other person, okay?
Another thing that gets in the way is fear, another one is not knowing the
outcome like I don’t know how this is going to end, that feels so scary, we
want that certainty, right? I don’t know how this is going to end. What if
we feel afraid of getting the decision wrong and feeling regret? What then?
What if we feel regret? Other one is, afraid of failure, we don’t want to
fail, right? Failure seems very threatening as well. So what do we do
instead? We buffer.

If you can’t remember what buffering is, go back to, I don’t remember the
episode number, but scroll back, I think it’s called buffering and it’s a
good one that explains what this is. The short version is that, if there’s
a feeling that we need to feel to progress, to move forward, we do things
to avoid feeling, we do things to not have to feel that way. So if we need
to feel discomfort in any way, I’m going to go eat cookies, I’m going to go
watch Netflix, I’m going to go shopping even if it’s shopping online, no,
not feeling that feeling today, I don’t want to go there today, right? We
all buffer in our own way. What we do instead is we hide, we not only hide
from other people but we hide from ourselves. We avoid telling the truth to
ourselves, we indulge in self-pity and make it other people’s fault that we
can’t have this thing that we want or that we just can’t decide.

We will complain to other people, sometimes we take a poll from other
people, get all their opinions and let them weigh in, and here’s the
problem with that is that it will never be enough. There will never be the
magical vote where you’re like, okay, that’s the vote, now I know what I’m
doing, it won’t happen because your brain will negate it. Decisions have to
come from you not from anybody else, especially with decisions that bring
up a lot of discomfort, you’ve got to have your brain on board to ride that
out, okay? Another thing we did do in indecision is we don’t think about
the future on purpose, it’s too painful, and if we do catch a glimpse of
what we want, we negotiate with ourselves on what we want and we talk it
down, we say, no, I don’t have to have that, who do I think I am? It’s too
painful to really get clear on it because we might think that we can never
have it, that we’re trapped in this brain of indecision and not being able
to take action, okay?

So what is the cost of all of the indecision? I mean, before I just talked
about some of the things we do instead, right? But let’s break down the
actual costs, okay? A whole lot of mental turmoil, right? Going round and
round and round, stalled progress, you’re not going anywhere, you’re not
moving forward, there’s no new information to work with. So with the
example of the person who went and asked for the promotion, even if they
said no they have that data, right? Now they have new information, a new
data point to work with and say, okay, now I know this, okay, now what do I
want to do? Right? When we’re stuck in a decision we are not collecting any
new data, we’re going round and round and round and round in the
information that we know and waiting for some magical thing to happen for
us to decide, okay? We over consume.

So for example, for people who are trying to decide for example, if they
want to end their marriage, they’ll read every article, listened to
everything they can find, talk to all the people, all of this consumption
waiting, again, it’s similar to what I said before about kind of taking a
poll, it’s like, I’m just waiting for somebody to tell me what to do and
I’ll feel good about it then, I’ll feel better about it, that does not
exist. At some point there has to come a point where we are willing to step
out of consumption mode and into action mode, it’s when we’re actually
doing something and moving forward, okay? But here’s a huge cost, it
decreases trust in ourselves, okay?

I’ve said this before, you’ll hear me say it again, the biggest cost of
infidelity in a marriage is not the lack of trust of your spouse, it’s the
broken trust with yourself, it’s the shuttering of your self-trust, of all
the things of, oh, he says it’s my fault, it’s not my fault, how did I not
know this was happening? How do I ever trust him again? And all the new
decisions that are now presented to you, okay? Not taking action promotes a
lack of self-trust, okay? When we start taking action, when we start moving
forward, even if it can feel really uncomfortable, it feels like motion
because it is motion and the more action we’re taking, the more we’re
learning that we’re resilient. If something doesn’t go the way we hoped,
the way we planned, we can learn that we survived it, right? We’re still
okay. Those things build trust in yourself that when you need to decide,
I’ll decide, when I need to know something, I’ll know it, it’s amazing.
That’s how the foundation of trust gets built under yourself is by making
bold decisions, committing to them and moving forward, okay?

Another cost is indulging in confusion. So it is very indulgent, it’s like
going back to this kind of swirl of I just don’t know, it feels bad, it
doesn’t feel good, you’re kind of waiting for someone outside you to give
you the answer. So those are just a few things, okay? Sometimes there is a
financial cost involved, sometimes there is the cost of a missed
opportunity, right? So fear, I said fear is one of the things that holds us
back. So one of the fears that I hear is that, what if I make a decision
and it turns out bad? What if I regret it? What if I get it wrong? Okay?
Here’s the thing, once we make a decision and commit to it, we start taking
steps forward, we’re moving, okay? Sometimes that action looks like having
intentional difficult conversations where we ask tough questions. This is
probably something we have avoided because of the discomfort involved but
if you are willing to step into that action you will come out of it with
more information, you’ll know more to work with, right?

This now will either confirm the decision to continue moving forward or
give you information you need to make a different choice, okay? Whatever
the outcome it is good and useful either way, you’ll have more to work with
than you did before. You can always change your mind with new information,
okay? You can always change your mind but that is very, very different than
going back to a place of indulgence and confusion, okay? It’s more like,
back to the example of the person who asked for the promotion, okay? They
could go, oh, they said no, I shouldn’t have ever asked, I’m such an idiot,
why did I do that? See, I should’ve just stayed put, that is going back to
indulgence and confusion, okay? Where it’s working for them is where they
can have the frame of mind of look at me, check me out, I did this thing
that was scary, I got an answer, now I know, okay, now what do I want to
do? And totally building confidence in themselves that they showed up for
themselves.

We don’t always get to control the outcome but they showed up, right? And
now they have this information that they can use to know what their next
step should be, okay? So, how do you make that initial decision? Okay? How
do you make that decision? I want to offer some questions to ask yourself
as you ponder decisions you maybe making in your life. Okay, what moves you
towards who you want to be? Okay? What decision promotes your growth and
moving towards who you want to be? What is the best and worst case scenario
of each choice? This is really, really important. So one of the things that
I have my clients do when they are considering divorce is so many of my
clients are so afraid to even look at divorce because they’re so afraid of,
well, what if I can’t pay my bills? What if I will never meet anybody and
I’ll be lonely for the rest of my life? What if, what if, what if, okay?

And I’m going to reference a podcast episode again, it’s called Your Plan
B, it’s one of my earlier ones and it’s all about this, it’s about going to
both scenarios telling what it would look like, like what would be hard?
What could work? What actually could work in this scenario? What would be
difficult? You’re really looking at it closely and feeling the emotion that
comes up as you look at it, okay? That will give you some useful
information. Another question is, 10 years from now what do you want your
life to look like? What would your future self say and why? Our future
selves know what’s going on, they’re pretty wise, we are wise, okay? Go tap
into her or for my male listeners, go tap into him, go listen. What do you
want your life to look like in 10 years and what would she or he say to you
about where you currently are? Okay?

What would love do? Now, I love this question but I want to just make
something clear here, I think our people pleasing ways would say, oh, love
would look like being forgiving and just staying and being long suffering
and I beg to differ because actual love allows people to feel
accountability for their choices. Actual love love somebody enough to allow
them the growth of the choices they are making, we’re not punishing them
but we are allowing them to feel the natural consequences of their choices,
okay? We tend to think that love means just making life easier for somebody
else but, is that actually love? Is it actually what will help them the
most? Okay? What moves you toward who you want to be? Another question is,
if either decision worked out, well, what would you choose? Let’s say
either would be great, what would you choose? Okay? So now I want to share
these truths with you, okay? If you feel scared you are doing it right, it
means that you are on track, okay? Fear often shows up, it does not mean
turn back and go back, it means keep going.

Another truth is that discomfort is the currency to having what you want,
it’s the payment, it’s what we pay to have what we want, discomfort, okay?
Know that making a decision will bring up all your drama, that’s why it’s
growth because we’re moving and it’s bringing up all the things that we’re
uncomfortable with, it will bring it up, know that there’s nothing wrong
here, it’s good. Another truth is that there is no failure, there’s just
winning or learning, okay? You’re winning, something worked out really,
really well or you’re gathering information, okay? Once you have made the
decision we have to wait for, like I said before, signs from heaven or the
approval of others but really it’s your job. If you feel peace it’s a
pretty good clue that you’re on the right track, even if there’s a lot of
discomfort you can also have this deep knowledge and knowing that you are
on the right track, peace, okay? We make our decisions correct by backing
ourselves up, by finding evidence on why it was the best decision and
selling ourselves on it over and over and over again.

Trusting that we made the decision from our higher brain, the prefrontal
cortex, and that by trusting that we can also trust all the evidence that
we give to that, when we look for all the reasons why it was the best
decision, trust it, lean into it, okay? So I want to ask you a question,
okay? When is the time in your life that you made a quick firm decision?
Why and how did you do it? How did you know? Why did you have such
conviction? I really want you to take time to think about this, I want you
to learn from yourself. What did you believe? What were you sold on that
you’re like, yeah, this is what I’m doing, no doubt about it, this is what
I’m doing? The doubts and fears might creep up and you know what to say to
it, you speak to it because you are sold on the decision that you’ve made.
You can learn from your own experience here how you backed yourself up and
what you did when you felt doubts creep in.

To wrap it up I want to tell you this, life is short, it’s short, it goes
really fast. We are not meant to suffer and be miserable, okay? You have
the right to feel peace and to progress that these are things that are
inside jobs, they’re not going to come from anyone else. Healing from
infidelity is an inside job, we often wait for things to happen, wait for
our spouse to change, wait for all of these things, it really is an inside
job. We get to work and do the work of understanding ourselves,
understanding things about the dynamics in our relationship and then we
start showing up in a stronger way and either our spouse is going to come
along with us or they’re not but your healing, you get to take ownership of
that and I think that’s the best news. And a lot of that healing comes from
empowering yourself to make decisions for yourself and not waiting on
somebody else before you can make a decision, okay?

It’s not going to come from anyone else, it needs to come from you, you
need to be sold on it, okay? Whether somebody agrees with you or not is
irrelevant, it’s their business. It sure feels good when people agree with
us, right? Now, I want to circle back to something I said earlier about
people who the decision was made for them of leaving the marriage. Let’s
say somebody had an affair and they ended up being with that person and
ending the marriage. And I work with plenty of women in these shoes and so
at the surface you might think, oh, they don’t have a decision to make, it
was already made. I beg to differ because when we feel that way, when we
feel like this decision was made for us, that we had no choice, it puts us
into victim mode, right? Where we just feel stuck and trapped and we can’t
do anything about it, you always have a decision of what you’re going to
make something mean.

If you’re still hashing out over and over and again all the things that
happen and wondering what happened and why this and why that, you are
keeping yourself emotionally tethered to this person even if you’re not
married to them anymore. You are still tethered, you still have a rope
around your ankle that is tied to them and sometimes it’s a pretty short
leash that we give ourselves where we’re watching them and we’re feeling
sorry for ourselves when we see their pictures on social media that it just
looks like their life is so grand, right? This is where decision making
comes in. You still get a choice, you still get to tell the story of what
happened in a way that feels true to you regardless of what they say and
you get to decide if you’re going to cut that rope and move forward. Oh,
isn’t that powerful, this is exactly what I help my clients do. Cut it, cut
the rope, go live your life.

Again, life is short, it’s short, okay? We are not meant to hang out here
and just suffer for years and suffer in indecision. I understand how much
courage it takes, I understand all the fear and worry and doubt, I get it,
but you’re worth it, you’re worth this work, you’re worth stepping into
discomfort, you are worth fighting for, you’re worth fighting for, okay? So
to wrap this up, I want to tell you something that I’m working on, I have
been, I think, all the time about what would be in the best service of my
clients and the people listening to me and I have decided that I’m creating
a pretty amazing program where I will help you, give you all the tools,
everything you need, everything you need to make the decision to stay or
leave in 90 days, three months, give you all the tools, everything you need
and the coaching of your brain to look for those blind spots throughout the
whole process.

Some people will have the decision made within 90 days, some people will
feel like they have taken steps forward, right? Like they have moved
forward, they’re taking steps forward and they’re just still in the data
collecting mode but they’ve made the decision to move forward instead of
sitting in stalled out and they’ll have the tools to know what to do next
as they collect more data. So I’ve decided to open up a few more spots
until December when I have my baby and I will open up a wait list for those
who want to work with me after the baby is born. But if you want one of
these spots they’re going to go quickly, I just opened them up, go ahead
over to my webpage, andreagiles.com, excuse me, andreagiles.com. Book a
consult with me and we’ll get chatting and get to work. It’s intense work,
we dive in, I don’t waste any time, I don’t waste mine, I don’t waste
yours, we dive in, we work, we get stuff done and you get moving, my
friends, you get moving.

Anyway, thank you so much for being here today. I love so much hearing from
so many of you, it’s such an honor, it’s such a great honor. The emails
that I get, the messages that I get, it’s just so amazing and humbling to
me that I get to help you along this path and I just love all of you. All
of you, even if I don’t know you, I think about you, I pray for all of my
people listening, I just really love you, I hope you know that, that I care
deeply about you. If you have an episode that you would love to see, email
me please, please send me an email. If there’s something that would be very
helpful to you, send me an email, andrea@andreagiles.com, okay? I’m open, I
would love to listen to your idea. All right, take care my friends, I’ll
see you next week. Bye-bye.

Thank you for listening to the Heal From Infidelity Podcast. If you would
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