Letting Go of the “How” | Ep #45

I’m Andrea Giles, and you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast,
episode number 45, Letting Go of the How.

Hello, and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity podcast, where courageous
women learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal but to become the
boldest, truest, most decisive, and confident versions of themselves ever.
If you know there’s more freedom than the life you’re currently living but
don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place. Stick around
to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks off. Is it
possible? It is, and I’m here to show you how. I’m your host, Andrea Giles.
Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

Hey, everybody. So last week, I talked to you about your future self. I
talked about what’s possible out in the future, and I shared with you some
news and some work that I’ve been doing with this, in regards to having a
baby, and shared some other examples of holding on to the things that we
want, but also not quite knowing how and how to let go of that. So today,
that’s what I’m going to talk about. So I heard this first from Jody Moore,
she said, “How is none of your business,” and I think that she is spot on.
We want to know it all, we want to have all the answers. Our brains crave
certainty, we want to know exactly how things are going to go and not
knowing can feel very, very uncomfortable. Well, that’s what I want to talk
about today, I want to talk about how to ease your mind and lean into the
possibility without knowing exactly how things are going to work.

So I am going to be giving some examples, some personal examples, some
client examples, some thoughts to think about, and I’m going to give you
some concrete ways to do this, concrete ways to make things happen for you
without knowing how. Okay. So I want to ask you first, I want you to think
about something. I want you to think about something that you have made
happen in your past. Maybe it was deciding to have children, maybe it was a
job, maybe it was marriage, maybe it was moving to a certain location,
maybe it’s taking up a new skill, a new hobby, something that you wanted to
learn. You had to decide that you wanted that, and you had to decide that
you’re going to go for it even if, maybe, you didn’t know how. So here’s
the thing, my friends, you already know how to do this, you just maybe
don’t know it.

So I want you to think about something that you made happen. You might have
thought that it was going to go a certain way, and as you look back on it,
it probably didn’t, it probably didn’t go the way that you thought it
would. But it worked, you still got the end result of the thing that you
wanted even if it didn’t look the way that you thought that it would. So I
want you to think, now, of something that you want in the future. What is
it, what’s something that you want? For many of you, this is something I
hear from many of you, you just want to feel at peace. You want peace, you
want to feel better. You have tried lots of different things, yet your
brain still feels loud and, maybe, quite the opposite of peaceful.

But you really, really want it, so I would want you to hold on to that and
listen to what I say today. And it might not be peace, it might be
something else. I want you to just consider what it is that you want, and I
want you to think about how you can apply the things that I talk about
today to the thing that you want. Now, many of us, what we do is we think,
“Yeah, peace, that would be good,” or whatever it is. It could be a
tangible thing, it could be a dollar amount, a certain job, whatever. Well,
many of us sometimes just put it outside ourselves like, “One day, I’m just
going to feel better. One day, this is just going to work out. And I don’t
know why it hasn’t worked, but someday it will.” And sometimes, we just
give up because we think, “I’ve tried all the things and it still isn’t
happening.”

Well, I’m hoping that the things that I teach you today will help you to
accomplish and receive and achieve the things that you want, that’s what I
hope for you today. Now, here’s the thing. There are things that we want
and things that we think are going to happen, but there is so much that we
don’t know. In fact, the older I get, the more I realize that I know much
less than what I know. Isn’t that humbling? I know so many fewer things
than what I do know. What I do know is that, sometimes, circumstance
change. In fact, I can bank on it, I can think that things are going to go
a certain way and then realize that they don’t go that way. As far as
marriage goes, some of you who are staying married to your spouse, we often
think, “Well, I’m just going to wait and see what happens. I’m going to see
what he does and see what changes, see what shifts,” and we wait and put
the outcome of the thing that we want on their shoulders like, “I’ll feel
peace when… I’ll feel better when…”

But the problem is that we’re putting that outcome outside of our self and
giving the full responsibility of your emotions to them. We don’t know if
our spouse is going to change or not. Let’s say that you’re not married
anymore. We don’t know if he’s going to stay in the marriage, we don’t know
if something else will happen that will prompt you to leave the marriage.
There are always changing circumstances, but the important piece here is
that you know the goal that you are wanting. So going back to what I talked
about last week, I talked about your future self. You are holding on to the
end result that no matter what, it’s going to happen, and you are letting
go of needing to know exactly how it’s going to happen.

Because I promise to you, my friends, we will be wrong every time, every
time. We think we’ll know what it’s going to look like, we’re wrong. So I’m
going to give you a few examples of some things that I have learned. One of
them, the first one I’m going to give you is about an experience I had last
year in growing my business. So I started my business, I started coaching
in 2019, and then last year, I decided that… I had this goal that I was
going to make $50,000, that was my goal. And as many of you know, I have
many children last year, I had six kids living at home. Year before that, I
had eight kids living at home. When we married, we had 10 kids living at
home. There’s always moving circumstances, lots of moving parts, and so
I’ve been fine with slow and steady, growing my business.

Last year I decided that I wanted to hit 50,000. Now, this is what I want
to say. I also had in my mind and wrote down and talked about and shared
and made very vocal that I just knew that I was going to build a six-figure
business. I just knew it, and I would say to my husband, “I don’t know how,
I don’t know exactly when, but I know it’s coming. I know that it’s
coming.” So last year, I started out the year much like I did the year
before, I was coaching, I had some clients, and I had gone through this
program that was wonderful. I’m going to just give them a shout out. It’s
called The Coaching Collective, it’s fantastic. For any of you listening
who are coaches or have the desire to be coaches, go check it out,
thecoachingcollective.com.

I had gone through this program, and it was so, so good, so powerful, and
I’d gone through it in 2019. In 2020, the two owners of that asked me if
I’d be interested in doing some contract work for them, and I was all over
it because I loved the program so much that I thought it would be super fun
to work inside their program and to grow myself in that capacity, doing
contract coaching work. And so I was growing my own business while doing
some things for their business. I did some coaching in there, I did… Now,
the main thing that I was asked to do was to help them grow their program,
and so I would do calls with people. I’d get on…

People would schedule calls to learn more about the program. And I was the
person on the other end that would be talking to them about their program
and answering questions. And they had given me a goal of what they wanted
me to hit, they wanted me to sign 50 people to their program. And it felt
daunting, it felt big, and it was quite a bit more people than what they
had signed before at any one time. Now, what I did is I owned that goal.
Even though it wasn’t even my business, I acted like it was, I acted like
that result was on me 100% and no matter what, I’m going to hit it. And you
know what, it was tough. There were many times where I’m like…

I mean, even close to the close date, when the doors were shut, we weren’t
quite there. And I just knew it was possible, I knew that we could do it
because I knew what a fantastic program this was. And I would get lost in,
“Well, I can’t make them sign, I can’t make people do it,” and then I’d go
back to, “I know this is possible. What else can I do? What else can I do?
What else can I do?” And in the end, I signed 51 people to this program.
Now, at the same time, here’s the magic that happened. At the same time, I
was learning some things and my thoughts were shifting. You know what I was
learning? I’m pretty good at this, I’m pretty good at sales, I’m pretty
good at talking to people about coaching, I’m pretty good at coaching. And
my thoughts started to shift and guess what happened, my own business blew
up.

I had people signing all the time, I had people booking consults with me
for my business, and I had these new thoughts that I’m good at this, I’m
good at this. And guess what happened, I ended up closing out the year at
over $100,000. I had no clue at the beginning of the year that that is how
I would end my year, no clue. I did know that I was going to hit 50,000 and
I doubled it, and I learned so, so much from that experience that I’m going
to come back to in a little bit. Another example is launching this very
podcast. So this is episode 45. I remember when I launched my first
episode… I launched three, I guess, when I first launched. I launched it
with three episodes thinking, “Gosh, it’s going to be a lot to record a
podcast every single week forevermore, I hope I don’t run out of stuff to
say. What if I do, what if people get bored?”

And what I knew going into it is I wanted to make something that I could
help people all over the world for free, that they could listen to whenever
they want, wherever they are. That I could help people for free, that is
why I created this podcast. And I had that in my mind, in my heart that it
mattered, and so I committed to, “No matter what, I’m going to crank out a
podcast every single week.” Now, the only exception I’ve made for that is
the week of Christmas, I did not release a podcast. But every other week, I
have not missed. And the thing that’s beautiful about it is that it’s
gotten easier and easier because I’m committed to it. It’s gotten easier
and easier because I’ve practiced, because I’ve been doing it, this is
number 45.

There’s this saying that you probably have heard called, “Necessity is the
mother of invention.” To me, it was necessary, not optional. It is
necessary to put out a podcast every week. You know why? Because I love
you, because I care about my listeners, and I know that consistency
matters. I know what it’s like when you are in the trenches and holding on
for… You’re one wanting that spark of hope, you’re wanting that spark of
encouragement. And I care about you, I care about my listeners, and so it
is necessary for me, it is not optional to just skip weeks. And so that
necessity has become the mother of invention, it has sparked, in me, so
much creativity. I have so many ideas of things that I want to talk about
with you, of people I want to bring to you. And I love that I get to hear
from some of you when you tell me the things that you want me to talk
about. Bring it, I love it, I love hearing from you.

Okay. Next, example three. Okay. This is about a current client of mine. So
she booked a consult with me, and she said to me, “I know that I need to
work with you, I know that I need to. No matter what, I need to work with
you.” So we had our consult, we scheduled the date. This is when we’re
going to start. She said, “I have no clue how I’m going to pay, I don’t
have the money. I have no idea how I’m going to pay, but I know that I need
to work with you.” And the day came and she said, “I don’t have the money
yet. Please don’t fill my spot, I will be there next time, next week.”

So the next week, the night before, I hadn’t heard from her and she said,
“I just paid in full, I will be there in the morning.” So I got on the call
with her, first call, and you know what she says to me? She says, “You’ll
never believe what happened. I knew I needed to work with you, I knew that
I needed to make it happen,” and she said that she just stayed open to
possibility. She was looking at different ways, different things she could
do, and then guess what happened. Right before, within a day or two of when
we were supposed to start, she got a notification from the IRS saying that
they had overpaid in taxes, and it had the exact amount that she needed to
pay for coaching.

This same client has completely changed her life in front of me. She
completed her six months with me, and then she signed for another six
months because she has had such a transformation in the time that we’ve
worked together, so many changes for her. I tell you this because I watched
her set her intention. She said, “No matter what, this is what I want. This
is what I want, I’m making it happen.” And there is something magic about
putting our stake in the ground and saying, “I matter, and no matter what,
this is going to happen, no matter what.”

Okay. So now, I want to just talk about how these things happen. What
happens, how did those things happen, how do you let go of the how? Okay.
Step number one is decide and make it non-negotiable. It is non-negotiable,
it is happening no matter what. So for example, in the example of signing
51 people, I decided, I decided this is happening. It is happening, it’s
non-negotiable, no matter what, with the podcast, no matter what. With this
client of mine, she decided, “No matter what, this is what I’m doing.” I
can think of lots of other examples from my own life and from the lives of
my clients where they have leaned into this, of non-negotiation, it is
happening.

For me, another one was when I decided to get divorced. I knew, I knew that
it was what I needed to do. I knew in my gut that it was correct, that it
was the thing that I needed to do to move myself forward, to move my
children forward, even for my first husband. Now, keep in mind, I had been
a stay-at-home mom, always. He was a lawyer, he made really good money and
yet, I knew that I needed to do it. I knew that I may end up needing to go
get a job at McDonald’s. I did not know what the outcome would be
financially, except that I knew I needed to end the marriage. That’s what I
knew. That was non-negotiable, I was not going to let the fear of what the
money situation would be determine that decision. I moved forward, and I
tell you what, there would’ve been absolutely no way of knowing how it
would turn out. No way of knowing, I would’ve had no clue of what would
actually transpire.

Okay, number two. The second thing to do to let go of how is take full
responsibility of the result. I am 100% responsible for this result. I
don’t know exactly how I will accomplish it, but I know I will. Now, keep
in mind, your brain will want to shift blame to other people for not having
the result. “I just don’t have the money. I don’t have the time. I can’t
make them sign no matter how awesome the program is,” I mean, those are all
thoughts that I could have had, “I can’t do this because I don’t know what
I’m going to do financially.” Like always, think about something that you
want and how quick your brain is to make excuses, that’s what our brains
do. A big one for me is, “Oh, I can’t eat as healthy as I want because my
husband brings junk food into the house and my kids don’t want to eat what
I want to eat,” and blah, blah, blah. I can come up with 10,000 excuses.

I am suggesting taking full responsibility of the result, owning that
result. No matter what, I’m making this happen, no matter what. Now, what
that means is that you’re willing to let people be wrong about you. What
that means is you’re allowing people to feel uncomfortable with you in
saying, “This is what I’m doing,” and letting people feel what they’re
going to feel because you’re more committed to the result than to catering
to their feelings. You care more about your feelings, not in a way to throw
them under the bus, but in a way to commit to this thing that you know that
you want and that you know is yours to have.

Number three, practice releasing the how. Practice talking to yourself
about what I said early on, about, “The how is none of my business. The how
is none of my business, I don’t need to know. I don’t need to know.” You
can breathe into it, you can practice it. It can become like a mantra. Now,
what is your business? And where I want you to focus your brain is in being
clear on where you’re going. Where you’re going and your commitment to
getting there, practice that, practice that all the time. Where am I going,
and what am I willing to do to get there? Now, for many of you, you have
situations where you…

Okay. So first of all, let’s say that you are deciding to stay married.
Let’s say you know that you want to stay married. You might not know right
now how it’s going to be okay to stay married and feel peaceful. You know
that it’s what you want, but it seems impossible that you’re going to feel
peaceful. Well, guess what, you hold on to that commitment, and the way
will show up. You keep trying, you keep practicing, but you use these steps
to take full responsibility for your own result. If you want to stay in
your marriage and be at peace, we don’t give that to the other person. You
hold on to that, you get to create that result. You practice what it takes,
you practice becoming the person that feels peace, you get the help that
you need.

I’m going to say something here. I talk to many of you on consults. I talk
to many of you, and here’s something that I see, is people get on like, “I
think I want some help. I like your podcast,” this and that. But when it
comes to actually committing and committing to the time, committing to the
price, cold feet. And you know what, no judgment, I completely understand.
I completely understand, but what breaks my heart is when people know that
they want to work with me, they know that they do, they know that it would
be useful to them, and they’re too afraid to talk to their spouse about the
price. They’re too afraid to pull the funds from some other place, like a
savings account or whatever.

They’re afraid of that, and so they drop the thing that they really want
and that they think that would help them the most for the temporary comfort
of avoiding the discomfort of talking to the partner or of wondering, “How
am I going to come up with this money?” I see this all the time. And going
back to the client who did not have the money, I could have said, “Oh,
well, don’t worry, I can do it for half the price,” or, “I can do it for
this, I can do it for that.” And what I have learned in my time of coaching
is that that is not in service of my clients. It does not serve them
because there’s something magic that happens when I am committed to serving
at a high level and when they are committed to showing up at a high level.
We are both all in, magic happens. Magic happens when we’re both all in.

So back to what I was saying about releasing the how, all of you have
things that you want, some of you want to stay married. Some of you know
that you want peace, you know that you want to free yourself from the
turmoil that you feel. And you might know that part of that for you is
ending the marriage, you might know that what you actually want is to be
free from the marriage that you’re in. And you might try to change your
thoughts, you might try to say, “Oh, I can stay here and I can tolerate it,
and it’s okay. And I do love him, and I know that he loves me.” And I never
tell people, ever, what to do, like if they should end their marriage or
stay in their marriage or anything like that. That is none of my business.
Not at all, that’s none of my business.

But what I do encourage you to do is to hold on to the thing that you want
most and release yourself of the how. If it’s peace that you really want,
if it is having a home where there is not friction every single day, guess
what, part of your how might be allowing the relationship to end. That
might be part of the how, and you might not know exactly what that will
look like or how it will transpire, but it might be, my friends. Sometimes,
relationships are meant to be completed. I’m not encouraging you either
way, I’m saying, when you hold on to a thing that you want, I’m asking you
to be open to where it takes you. Be open, allow yourself to be open.

That’s exactly what I’m doing with this baby. It’s going well. I did not
plan on it at all, and it totally changes the trajectory of my life and my
husband’s life. We’re going to be well into our 60s when this baby is 18,
and I don’t know what it’s going to look like. I don’t know how I’m going
to get the help that I need so that I can continue to do the work that I
do. I don’t know right now, but I know that I want to do both, and I know
that me, instead of panicking or instead of being mad or being afraid or
any other thing that is not useful… It is not going to help me find a
solution. Instead of doing those things, I am holding this open space that
I will have those things and that the way that it’s going to happen is
going to show up and that I don’t need to know how right now, I just need
to keep open and I need to keep moving forward.

Okay, my friends. So I hope that this has been helpful for you today. The
how is none of your business. When you open yourself up, when you take full
responsibility for the things that you want, when you decide and make it
non- negotiable, it is non-negotiable. It is your right to want what you
want. You get to want what you want just because you want it. Own it, my
friends, own what you want. I sure love you, and I will be back with
another podcast next week. Bye-bye

Thank you for listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast. If you would
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