I’m Andrea Giles, and you’re listening to the Heal From Infidelity podcast, episode number 242, I Don’t Know What to Do… and Other Deceptions that Keep You Stuck.

Infidelity changes everything. Who you thought you were, what you thought your life was. From here, you can keep circling the pain or rebuild something real. This is a space for men and women navigating infidelity. Whether you’ve been betrayed or you’re the one who broke trust, I’m Andrea Giles, master certified relationship coach.

I know what’s possible on the other side. When you’re willing to tell the truth all the way out, you’re in the right place. Let’s begin.

Hi, everybody. Welcome back. Welcome back to another episode of Heal From Infidelity. I will, uh, have you know that this is the second time that I recorded this episode. Actually, it’s the first that I recorded.

I just got done thinking that I was recording start to finish the whole thing and realized that I forgot to actually hit record. So this is number two. And I’m just going to trust that this one is going to be just way better than what the first one was going to be. Right, we’ll just go with that.

Anyway, before I get into our topic today, I want to chat with you a little bit about some things that you can go do in the show notes inside. Inside the show notes for this episode, there is a link that you can go click on that allows you to ask me anything, ask me any questions, and I go through those, and I’m going to be releasing an episode later this month that’s going to be answers to your questions. So be sure to get those questions in. I will read them all and I will respond.

The second thing I want to make sure to say is, is that I recently decided to make a link for people to donate anything, large or small, to the business, to the production of this podcast, to all the things that go into making this happen. I know that there are many, many of you out there that I will likely not ever know. This podcast is ranked high. It’s in the top 5%.

Top. Excuse me, top 05 top. 0.5% in the world. There are listeners all over the world, and many of you, I will never know even listen to this.

And so if you have felt like this has helped you, that it has supported you, it would be really amazing for you to leave a donation however much you want. I use it for the production of this podcast, to keep creating, to keep putting things out that are Useful to you. I will also be using some of it to help scholarship people into some of my programs who would not be able to do it otherwise. So know that your generosity is so appreciated and that I will be using it wisely, putting it to good use.

All right, here we go. So we’re going to talk today about the thought I don’t know what to do and other. Other things like it that keep you stuck. Okay.

I hear this all the time. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure what to do.

And I totally get it. I totally do. It feels very true. It feels very honest, Right?

It feels very real. But a lot. A lot. A lot of the time it’s not actually true.

It’s a cover. It’s a softer way of saying something else that’s a little more real and a little more hard to look at. Okay. Most of the people that I work with, they do know something.

They don’t just not know. They don’t just not know. There are things that they do know that they might not want to know. There are things that they do know that they might not be ready to know, that they might not know what to do with their knowing.

And so they go back to this nice little thought, I just don’t know. I don’t know what to do. Right. Sometimes we say this when we don’t have the path carved out in front of us where we don’t know every detail of how something’s going to go.

We don’t know how it’s all going to play out. And so they can say, well, I don’t have it all figured out. I don’t know how this other person’s going to respond. It could blow things up.

I don’t want to impact or damage my children, whatever it may be. And so they stick to the story of I don’t know what to do. But what. What happens here is that we continue to tolerate things that we’ve always tolerated, and it can feel more and more and more suffocating, and we can become more and more avoidant of the very things that are going to get us moving, that are actually going to give us.

Okay.

The reality is, for most people who say, I don’t know what to do, what they’re really saying is, I know or I have an inkling or I’ve got something, but I don’t want to deal with what comes next. Okay? And I want to be really clear with this, that this is not at all about shaming,

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that there are real reasons that we do this. We know that if I. If I say what I know, if I know something and if I put it out there, it’s going to ask something of me. It’s going to ask me to have a hard conversation.

It’s going to ask me to risk disappointing somebody. Let’s say that you actually know a lot of things, but you’re afraid that if you come on with your. With your truth and say it, that that person might not like it or that they might disagree with you, and that might feel threatening. Like, oh, my gosh, what if they disagree so much and then I get confused again and I don’t know what to do after that.

What if they push back? Can I hold my ground? Or am I going to just doubt myself? Right.

There’s lots of ways that we do this, but it all circles back to if I did know and I took action, what am I most afraid of? Right. In reality, we might have to change our own life with the knowing that we have. And so it makes sense that we would hide behind.

I don’t know what to do. Okay, now, this isn’t the only sentence that we say that sounds very, very reasonable, but is actually keeping you stuck. Here’s a couple more. Okay.

Things like, I just need more time. I’m just waiting. I’m giving myself more time. What exactly do you need more time for?

Right? What. What is going to happen in that time? Sometimes we think that time is going to solve it.

And in some cases, time can help. For example, if you’re in, uh, a really, really acute stage and you’re, like, not eating, not sleeping, those kinds of things, you might actually need a little time to tend to those basic, basic needs, like eating, like, those kinds of things. That might be true. Okay?

But sometimes we can get past that and still say, I need more time. And in reality, it’s like, ooh, I don’t actually need more time. I just want to. Like, I’m waiting to work up the courage to do is more like it, okay.

Or I need more clarity. Do you really? Or is it that you need more clarity and that you are waiting for this to magically fall from the sky? Or is it that you know something and you’re not quite sure what to do with it?

Or that you are afraid to get the clarity and so you keep yourself super busy and then say, I don’t know, I still need clarity. I need more clarity. Right. But avoiding the very things that are going to give you the Clarity, like slowing down, like taking time for yourself.

Right. Another thing that we can do is say, I’m waiting to see what they do. This is a big trap. This is a big, big trap.

I’m waiting. Why is this a problem? Because it’s completely outsourcing you. It’s saying, I can’t make a move.

I can’t do anything until this other person does this thing or doesn’t do this thing. Right. Sometimes we do wait. Sometimes there are things that we are watching for, but we know exactly what we are going to do to take care of ourselves while we’re kind of just like, gathering how this other person is going to respond.

So, for example, we can notice a pattern, that we’re engaging in a relational pattern and go, okay, I normally totally rage, get so mad when I feel triggered, I’d rage. I get mad. I throw stuff or whatever it may be. Okay?

And, uh, let’s say that you decide that you don’t want to do that anymore and that it actually is not solving anything. In many cases, it’s making it worse, and you certainly don’t feel better after. You often feel worse. Okay?

So let’s say that you don’t do that, and you actually stay solid and calm and, like, powerful. And the other person, let’s say the other person usually would, like, rage back or the other person would go hide away. And now you are not doing that. And waiting could be like, I’m actually just watching to see when I shift my side of the street here, when I shift my pattern, what ultimately do they do?

Do they come toward me? Do they bring anything up at all? Sometimes people feel like the only way to get their spouse’s attention is by losing it. And it’s like, can they bring stuff to me or do I have to be responsible to bring everything to them?

Right. This is where we can be watching, but we are not giving away all of our authority. We’re not saying, I can’t do anything until I see what they do. Okay, Again, sometimes these statements can be true.

I don’t know what to do. I just need more time. I need more clarity and waiting to see. There are times where that can be true.

But. But it’s after we have taken some bold actions. It’s after we have made moves. It’s after we have owned that this is what I need now.

This is what I’m going to do to. To support that need.

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And then I’m going to hold, like, see what happens. See what clarity comes from that action. Knowing I took this action. And now I’m going to see how it plays out.

Okay? Where these things become a problem is where. Where you are just stalled out. Where.

Where like days go by, maybe weeks, maybe months, maybe years, and literally nothing has changed except your resentment, your anger, your blame. You’re wanting things to be different, but waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting. Right? That’s what changes, is it starts to attack you from the inside out.

Okay? Because if you really let the truth all the way out here, if we let the truth all the way out, at the end of the day, the buck stops with you. Right? The buck stops with you.

We cannot outsource our peace. We cannot outsource our clarity. We can’t outsource any of it. And again, if we’re letting the truth all the way out, if we are not stuck, if we have enough clarity to do one thing, you would have to move.

Okay, I’m going to give you an example. This very day, I met with a client, and I said this basic question. I said, what do you need? Without missing a beat, this client who has felt buried and drowning and ruminating thoughts and images, all of that.

Immediately, she said, I need more space. She knew. She knew I need space. And right now, she’s in a situation where he’s really leaning in and he’s wanting to show her all the work he’s doing and how trustworthy he’s becoming and what she.

And she’s feeling like, what do I do with that? And in reality, she already knows I need more space. Right? And so her work now becomes honoring that she needs more space.

And doing that, taking up space, speaking up, asking for the space. And then she’s going to learn some things. She’s going to learn how she manages any kind of pushback from that. How.

How much do you actually have your back? How much are you willing to uphold that within yourself? Are they willing to uphold that? Are they willing to give you space?

Or do they keep edging their way in? This is really important. Right? Okay.

So part of getting the truth out all the way out is moving on it, doing something you won’t be able to keep doing what you’re doing. Okay. That’s the part that we often avoid, is like, ooh, it’s. It might get real rocky here.

It may. And. And guess what? This is where you grow.

This is where you grow your ability to have your own back. Right? To stand with yourself.

Okay?

So here’s a question I want to ask you. Where are you saying that you don’t know when the truth is that you do. Even if it’s a quiet little knowing, even if it’s incomplete, you don’t have the full picture. Even if it’s like one tiny thing and you’re like, I have no idea what’s next, right?

Where are you softening something that you do know? Where are you avoiding something that you do know? Where are you hoping it will just resolve and go away without you having to fully step in? Okay, this is where we are.

Like I’m just waiting to see what they do. Why are we waiting to see what they do? Because we don’t want to do what we might have to do if nothing changes on their part. And so we’re like waiting, going, I really hope they figure it out.

I really hope they do this differently. Guess what? You can’t sit and wait around if you want something to be different. It’s on you, okay?

It’s on you. And you get to make a move. You get to decide what change is going to happen because you’re willing to make a move, right? And this, my friends, is where self trust gets built or broken.

Every time you override what you know, you teach yourself not to trust yourself, okay? And every time you’re willing to face it, even in the smallest little ways, you start to rebuild that trust. Now I want to make this clear. When somebody has betrayed our trust, how it’s rebuilt is in small consistencies over time, right?

Small little things. It’s not in these grand gestures, it’s not even in the disclosure, like if there’s like a formal disclosure, it’s not even in that, it’s in the day to day. I say what I mean, I mean what I say. I follow through with what I say I’m going to do.

I show up when I say I’m going to show up, right? I honor my word, right? This is what we are wanting from people who have betrayed. This is for those of you who did the betraying and are wanting to rebuild trust.

It’s in these small things. It’s over time. It cannot be built overnight. It’s over time.

It’s the same with ourselves. It’s in these small things that build trust within ourselves

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over time to teach ourselves. I can count on me, I can trust me, right? And every time we’re willing to take one little step towards what we know and honor it and go, we are teaching ourselves that we can trust ourselves. Okay?

This doesn’t mean you need to make some huge life altering decision today, okay? But it does mean getting honest it means telling yourself the truth, even if you’re not ready to act on all of it yet, right? But here’s the beautiful thing about this. Once you see it clearly, you stop spinning.

Uh, there’s energy that you get back immediately of just accepting what you know, just accepting the truth of what you know. Like, okay, fine, I’m gonna stop making myself wrong. I’m gonna stop spinning. I’m gonna stop outsourcing by asking everyone and their dog what I should do or the next podcast or the next book.

And you just go, okay, I’m just gonna actually sit here with what I know and feel the discomfort of it. And now what am I gonna do? Okay? This stops that spinning and gets you into some new energy where you can start to take a different kind of action, right?

So the next time you hear yourself say, I don’t know what to do, I want you to pause and I want you to ask, is that actually true, or do I know and I just don’t like what it would require of me? Please be honest with yourself. Truth all the way out, right? That question alone will change things.

It will slow things down. You will hear your own wisdom, okay? Because this work, the real work here, is about truth. It’s about choosing truth over comfort.

It’s about getting that truth all the way out, first to yourself, then outside yourself, and honoring that truth, right? And if you’re in that place where you are ready to stop circling and actually face what’s real, this is the work that I do all day, every day in my coaching business. This is what I do with my. My members in my get Your Life Back After Infidelity Women.

This is what we do. We face the music, right? We. We’re not here to blame.

We’re not here to minimize. We’re here to see what is real, to feel the feelings that are here, to face the reality and grow our capacity to sit in that and decide what we want to do with it. Okay? If this is you, I invite you to go to the Show Notes, get your application in for get your life back after Infidelity, and we will be reaching out to you with next steps.

All right, my friends, truth all the way out. Tell yourself the truth. Okay? It starts with you. All right, take care.

Thank you for listening to the Heal From Infidelity podcast. If you would like to be kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast episodes, and other ways of working with me, go subscribe to my weekly email. You can subscribe at https://andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/

Again, it’s https://andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/. I will see you next time,