Choosing and Being Chosen | Ep #137

While we all want to be in relationships that are trusting and loving, at the root of it all what we really want is to feel deeply chosen.

In this episode, I’ll share different examples (both personal and from clients) where the strong desire to know you are being chosen drives forward courageous action.

I will also share how in order to feel deeply chosen, we have to strongly desire ourselves first. This pushes our growth as we develop into people who know what we what, and will hold a high standard to make sure we have those things.

Don’t miss this one! There is something for everyone.

To learn more from me, be sure to join my email list at: https://andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/

To work with me, go to: https://andreagiles.com/get-your-life-back/

Follow me on Instagram at: https://www.instagram.com/theinfidelitycoach/

Episode Transcript

I’m Andrea Giles, and you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast,
episode number 137, Choosing and Being Chosen.

Hello and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity podcast where courageous
women learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become
the boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves
ever. If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently
living but don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place.
Stick around to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks
off. Is it possible? It is, and I’m here to show you how. I’m your host,
Andrea Giles. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

Hello. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of Heal from
Infidelity. Always delightful to be here with you. I am just coming off of
the most amazing weekend where I hosted my very first in-person retreat
with my own clients. We were in Tulum, Mexico. It was so, so incredible and
such a growth moment for me to have the vision of something, to know that I
want to do it, to think bigger than what I was originally thinking and to
successfully pull it off. I’m not going to lie. There was a part of me that
was nervous about going and spending a lot of time and being in trainings
for multiple hours a day, not just for a call here or there, but more
intense and more thorough. And I have to say, I love how it went off. It
was transformational for everyone. The group of ladies that went, they
became good friends.

They will stay good friends. It was just incredible, incredible. And again,
a testament to me about how we have these desires, these things that we
want to do, and we are so quick to rule ourselves out like, “Oh, other
people can do that. But oh, I don’t know if I can do that.” Right? And to
actually do it and pull it off successfully was just so incredible for me.
It was so incredible. I will be doing it again. I’m going to start putting
the next one together, start marketing for that. So keep a lookout. But
yeah, back home, and after spending so many hours immersed in talking with
each other and hearing the stories and really thinking about my clients and
coming home and regrouping after the busyness of it all, I’ve been thinking
about something that I want to bring to you today, and it’s this topic of
choosing and being chosen.

First of all, I want to let you know you’re going to want to stick around
to the end of the episode today because I’m going to be sharing with you
something special that I’m offering in the month of March and you don’t
want to miss it. So stick around. Anyway, I regularly hear from clients
that they want to know that they are being chosen, that their spouse is
staying with them, not because it’s the right thing to do, not because it’s
the default choice, not because they’re afraid of being alone, not because
they would be afraid of the shame that would come if they left. Right? My
clients want to know that they’re there because they actually all in,
choose to stay there because they want to be with them. I have one client
who has been married for a long time. So there’s a lot of comfort and
familiarity. And her husband is saying all the right things.

He’s doing all the right things. But she wants to know that he’s not just
choosing her because it would be such a shock to him after being married
for so long to be alone. And she really, really wants to know that. I have
another client who for a long time was just not feeling like he was
actually in, he was saying the words, but she was noticing some actions
that did not line up with the words that he was saying. So she ultimately
stepped away from it and some big changes happened where she could see that
he really got it, that he really understood it, that he could see where he
was holding back and why, and was able to fully, all in, 100% choose her
unabashedly, letting her know, “You are it. You’re it. You’re the one.
You’re the one I want to be with.”

And at the end of the day, as I think about all of you, listening, isn’t
that what we all want? Isn’t that what we want? We want to know that we are
chosen. We want to know that all other options available, all other things
on the table, this person wants to be with me. Now, I’m going to go back a
little bit into my own history here. As many of you who have been around
for a while know, I married a widower. And it was really, really
challenging for me. In my head, I had a story about how in some ways it’d be
easier if he were just divorced because he would’ve left that marriage. That
marriage for whatever reason, wouldn’t have been working, and that he would
be so happy. I had this story in my head that he’d just be so happy to be
with me and so relieved to be with somebody so awesome as me. Right?

This was my story, and it was very hard for me. Very, very painful for me
to know that there was still a lot of grieving that had not happened when
we got married. There was still a lot of grieving his 15 year marriage in
which she died of cancer. Pretty young. There was still a lot that he had
not processed that I didn’t know. I mean, I knew that there were parts he
was holding back. I felt like he was not all in. That he was kind of saying
the things and doing a lot of the things, but there was a part of me that
just knew that this is not quite it. This is not quite it. And it was
extremely painful. It was extremely painful because like I said, at the end
of the day, what we all want, what we all need is to know that we are being
chosen for us, for me, all the good, all the not so great, that you choose
me and all of it.

And what I can say is that I decided that I was going to choose myself. And
I don’t know that I cognitively put those words to it, but I decided to
focus less on him and more on me and on who I was being and on the kind of
relationship I wanted and who I wanted to be in that relationship and on
what kind of space I wanted to offer him and his children around the death
of their mother, wife. How I wanted to honor that whole situation and give
grace to it, even if it was a little bit difficult for me. Also, doing the
same for my own children, of honoring their dad and speaking kindly of him
and also telling the truth around the harder things when they asked me. And
I grew tremendously. Now, keep in mind a lot of this happened… I’ll be
honest, most of it happened after I discovered life coaching. It was
transformational for me immediately.

Much like many of the things I hear from some of you that you heard my
podcast and it’s been something that’s just been kind of the best wake up
call to go, “Oh my gosh, I can think about it that way?” “Oh my gosh,
there’s actually real hope here.” That’s really what happened to me too
when I discovered it. And I did training and certifications and all the
things to really dive in deep into my own work so that I can have my own
transformations and help my clients. And in that work I was able to really,
truly, genuinely, not need as much from him, but more want it. Instead of
needing him to do certain things so I could feel a certain way, I just
wanted it.

This is my standard. I want a marriage where I feel chosen, and I also want
a marriage that I fully choose him. I don’t want to be one foot in, one
foot out or one foot in and one foot wandering. So I really pushed myself
to be that person. And then I mentioned on the last episode that our
marriage hit a pretty rough patch where I was genuinely looking at my
options going, “I don’t know that this is it. I don’t know that this is
going to be what I want, where I feel like at some point I want to know that
you can go all in every way and let her be gone and be all in with me.” And
it wasn’t like a, “Do this or else,” not this threatening thing. More of,
“This is my standard and I’m going to honor it.”

And I have watched him just transform. And a lot of it for him has been
grieving and letting her be gone and letting himself go all in with me. And
you know what else? Letting himself feel the joy of being with me. The joy
of letting himself be all in with me and setting down some of those scary
things that we don’t have the answers to. Some of the things that are the
unknown, some of the things about the what ifs, like setting them down and
going, “This is my choice and I’m going all in on my choice.” And it’s been
the most remarkable, wonderful thing because I can say with 100% honesty, I
know where he stands. I know that he’s all in. I know that he’s all in. It’s
really remarkable and I’m all in with him and don’t need to hold on to those
questions, the things that I worried about before.

I don’t need to do that anymore. And that’s at the end of the day, what we
all want. So I want to talk to you, those of you who are listening, who you
know that you want that for yourself, you know that you want to be chosen,
you know that you want to know that he’s all in with you, and that it’s
because it’s you and not because you’re there or because it’s the right
thing to do to avoid judgment of others, to avoid scrutiny, to avoid what
people would think. But there’s another side to this coin. And the other
side of that coin is choosing, actively choosing. Something I see a lot is
when my clients actually do have enough data to go off of, they’ve been
watching, they’ve been paying attention. They know that this person is
somebody that they can put their faith back in and they want to. They want
to put their faith back in and they have enough data.

I don’t recommend making the decision and really like, “This is what I
want,” until you actually have some solid data, so you know that you’re
making a really wise decision. That’s something that I go in depth in
inside my program. That’s something we do a lot of. We go in depth.
Anyway… but what I do see is that they’ll have all the information,
they’ll know what they need to know, they’ll see what they need to see, and
they’re still just so afraid to fully commit, to fully choose. “Yes, it’s
you. Yes, I’m in. Yes, I’m all in and building this remarkable marriage.”
And there’s a few reasons for this.

One is that after infidelity and often before infidelity, it can be really
easy to have this one up position of like, “I am just somehow a little bit
better, or more wise, or more evolved, or do this a little bit better than
you.”

And especially after infidelity, it’s so easy to take that stance. “I would
never do this to my spouse. I would never.” So when you are staring this
down and knowing that this person did, in fact, totally betray your trust
and all of that, it can very much prop up your position of staying one up.
Like, “See, It’s justifiable. Of course, I’m not going to be on equal level
with him. We’re not equal. I would never.” And while for a while, there is
this period where… yeah, there needs to be some serious repair. Serious
repair. There needs to be this empathy and compassion, and, “I’m here and I
want to reassure you and help you.” At first, it feels very much like a
crisis, like a deep wound. So during that time, that wound does need to be
tended to, and they should be part of that.

They should be part of tending to that wound. But over time, when things
start to settle and you’re not as deeply wounded, the wound is starting to
heal. It’s not as raw, it’s not as exposed. There comes this time where
it’s really easy to continue taking that stance of, “I’m a little bit
better and I’m just going to stay here and let him grovel some more.” And
while we can all sit here and go, “Yep, totally makes sense,” it’s not
going to get you what you want. Because when you are staying in that one-up
position, you’re not going to be able to see him as a partner in building
something that is really a co-creation, a collaboration where both of your
wants and needs are met with each other, with yourselves, where you can
really work out the things that you want to work out to build something
that’s amazing for you both to be in.

Because you’re keeping yourself out of that space. You’re keeping yourself
slightly above it or slightly away from it, slightly removed. And what I
hear a lot from my clients is that it’s terrifying. It’s scary to drop that
one up stance. It’s scary to go, “Oh my gosh, I am going to just treat him
like an equal and see what comes of that. I’m going to grow into being able
to see… yeah, he did this thing that I hate and I’m willing to develop
more of what can be here.”

So part of the growth here is being able to actually be a really strong
chooser. To really choose, “This is what I want.” Not watering down what
you want, not apologizing for what you want, not shaming yourself for what
you want. And this goes, whether you’re staying or whether you’re going.
For some of you, you know that this is not what you want.

You know it. This is not it. Your soul knows. It’s screaming at you, “This
is not it.” And you fight it and you avoid it, and you resist it and you
hate it. I don’t want that to be the answer. What I can say to you is that
when you follow that, when you follow, “This is not it,” and start taking
action, you’re going to get more data. You’re going to get more
information. I know I’ve mentioned this before, but with my own husband, in
our dating, I was kind of feeling jacked around a little bit, like, “I
think I’m going to marry you anytime soon. I still need time to do all of
that.” And I’m here going, “Okay, two years have gone by and I do want to
be married,” not just to anyone but to him. And I knew that. I do want to
move forward with our life and build a life. And he was so afraid to commit
to it.

And I knew that I wanted to be with somebody who could be a chooser and
make the tough decision, knowing it would be a lot to blend our huge
families. Yeah, it was a big commitment. But I knew that for me, it was not
enough to just keep talking about it, that I wanted to be with somebody who
could actually choose. And I broke up with him. I did. I broke up. I cried.
He cried. I’m like, “This isn’t it. I know that I want more for myself.”
And I broke up. And I went and dated around, dated different people, had a
good old time. And then ultimately, he came and he really did some
self-exploring about what he wanted. And he realized, “I do want this. I do
want her. Let’s go. Let’s figure this out.” And we got engaged shortly
thereafter and then married shortly thereafter.

And as I said, there were still things that he needed to process. And you
know what? There will continue to be for both of us. It’s life, that
there’s things that come up. But he was much more able to say, “Yes, this
is what I want,” and take the action to make it happen. So I bring that up
because many of you are waiting on them to feel chosen, and you’re not
actively choosing yourself. You’re not holding the line of what you want
and saying, “No, this is not working. This is not it.” And some of you’re
apologizing for that as if there’s something wrong with you, that it’s not
working for you, or that it’s not good enough. That you should just be okay
with it. I’m telling you, no, your wisdom, your soul… you’ll know when it
is a good choice to go all in on.

You’ll have moments of truth. You’ll have moments of recognition of going,
“It’s okay. This is good. Keep going. It’s okay, keep going.” And sometimes
we fight with ourselves and want a different answer than what our soul is
telling us. So first and foremost, to really strongly be chosen, it starts
with choosing ourselves first. It starts with drawing our own lines of what
we’re going to allow, what we’re not going to allow. And sometimes it means
leaving and eventually pursuing the kind of relationship where we know that
we’re chosen and where we feel free to fully choose, or where we’ve done
enough internal work to be able to choose. And the same thing goes for
wanting to know that you’re not the default choice, that he’s not choosing
you just because you’re there and it’s convenient and you have kids
together or any other thing like that.

He’s choosing you because he wants to. It goes the same in reverse. You do
not want to live in your own mind, in your own body, in your own heart, in
your own truth, feeling like maybe you’ve settled or feeling like you are
too afraid to even look at what it would look like to be alone. So you just
decided to stay. You don’t want to do that to yourself. You don’t want to
do that. You want to know that you’ve explored all of your options and that
at the end of the day, this is what you choose for reasons that you like
and that feel true to you and that feel good to you, even if it’s hard, and
even if it’s super scary and requires so much courage of you. All right. So
choosing and being chosen, the more that you grow your own ability to
choose, the more you can be a better advocate for the things that you want
and stand up for the things that you want.

And the more you’ll be able to recognize even when you’re being chosen for
reasons that feel true to you, that feel congruent with the actions and the
words. The actions and words are going to line up and you’ll know it.
Sometimes we don’t recognize it, even if they are fully choosing us because
there’s something in us that can’t receive it, that feels unworthy, that
feels ashamed, that feels like, “But you did this thing. How can this be?”

And also this piece where, “You really broke my heart.” And part of your
growth is going to be holding both of those at the same time and stepping
into what is true now and also stepping into your power to create, to go
look ahead at what you want and get to work creating it. This is what I
have for you today. Now, I said at the beginning of the call that I have
something that I wanted to tell you about. Just for the month of March, I
am offering a special where if you join my program in the month of March,
you are going to get six 30 minute one-on-one personal calls with one of my
coaches.

My coaches are amazing and high level, and you will get so much out of
these calls, in addition to everything else that you get inside the group
program. There’s so much there. There’s so much… lots of support, lots of
education, lots of times to get coached and to get your questions answered
and to look at your unique situation. So again, I get asked a lot about if
there’s one-on-one coaching inside the program, now’s your chance. I just am
doing this for March. If you want one-on-one coaching, if you want to have
that support in addition to this program, now is your time. Now is your
time. Also, in the show notes, you can see that I am hosting some webinars
a few times this month. Go ahead and register for that, if you have not yet
watched it. In that, you’re going to be hearing more about what I do, how I
do it, and how you could benefit so much from being inside this program.

Really, truly, it’s life changing. It’s transformational. And if you’ve
been on the fence, if you’ve been kind of watching and going, “I want to,
but I’m not sure if it’s the right time.” Now is the time. Come get
yourself in. Get yourself the support. Get yourself in the room with other
people who are totally invested in changing their own lives and being in
the lives that they love. Where shame is not ruling the day, fear is not
ruling the day. What’s ruling the day is their own courage and commitment
to themselves. All right, thank you so much. I will see you next time.
Buh-bye.

Thank you for listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast. If you would
like to be kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast
episodes, and other ways of working with me, go subscribe to my weekly
email. You can subscribe at andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/. Again,
it’s andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/. I will see you next time.

Share this post

Hi. I’m Andrea Giles and I am so glad you are here.

Not many years back I found myself in a life I didn’t recognize, feeling confused, sad, and so small. My “forever” marriage was in shambles, and I didn’t know if I could ever trust my own judgment again.  Through my faith and some great tools, I was able to completely change my life and find myself again. Now it is my mission to help others who are right where I was. Click the button below to read more about my story.

Why was I not enough?

Does this question torment you? It did me too until I learned that the actions of my spouse had nothing to do with me, my worth, or my lovability. Click on the link below for a free guide that will teach you the 3 biggest lies about infidelity and why they are keeping you stuck.

Hi. I’m Andrea Giles and I am so glad you are here.

Not many years back I found myself in a life I didn’t recognize, feeling confused, sad, and so small. My “forever” marriage was in shambles, and I didn’t know if I could ever trust my own judgment again.  Through my faith and some great tools, I was able to completely change my life and find myself again. Now it is my mission to help others who are right where I was. Click the button below to read more about my story.