A Spark of Desire | Ep #126

I’m Andrea Giles, and you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast,
episode number 126. A Spark of Desire.

Hello and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity podcast where courageous
women learn not only to heal from their spouses’ betrayal, but to become
the boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves
ever. If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently
living but don’t quite know how to get there? You are in the right place.

Stick around to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks
off. Is it possible? It is, and I’m here to show you how. I’m your host,
Andrea Giles. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

Hello, everybody. As always, it’s a pleasure, truly a pleasure to be here
with you. I always look forward to the times that I get to talk with you. I
like to think about who I’m talking to, who’s listening all over the world.
I hope you know as I’m recording, as I’m prepping, as I’m planning, I hope
that you feel a big hug from me. So much love from me to you. I know that
this space is so hard to be in.

I know that you never wanted to be here, and I just am sending you all the
love in the world through this podcast. I hope you feel it. So I just
opened a new program. It’s kind of a spinoff of my Know in 90 program.
There’s a lot of things that are similar, few differences, but anyway, it’s
called Get Your Life Back After Infidelity. We started on September 25th,
which was just recently. By the time this comes out, I think it’ll be about
two weeks.

Anyway, it has been amazing. We’re in full swing. It’s an amazing, amazing
group with just amazing women who are from all over the country and even
the world. Got some international clients in there. Now, in meeting with
people who are interested in joining the program, I heard a theme over and
over again. Before I get to that, I just want to say if you’re listening to
this and going, “Oh my gosh, it already started. I was thinking about
joining that.”

Just know lots more information is coming out that will make it easier for
you to learn about the program, to plan on joining, things like that. I am
now opening up 10 spots for the group to be opened in the beginning of
November. So if you are interested in hopping into the group, a group of 10
will be joining at the beginning of November. And you can be one of those
people. So go to the show notes, grab your spot.

But back to what I was saying in meeting with people who were interested in
joining the program, I heard a theme over and over again. The theme was
about not even knowing if they want to try after infidelity. I heard things
like, “My husband is doing all of the things. He’s checking all the boxes,
but I just feel different about him, and I don’t know if I ever will get it
back. I don’t know if I can ever look at him the same.

I don’t know if I can ever respect him again. I don’t know if I even love
him. Or I know I should stay and try for the kids, but I resent so much
that he brought this huge painful thing into our lives. Or I know I want to
leave, I have for a while, but I feel guilty like I should at least try.”
If you’re listening, I am guessing that you have felt one of those things,
right? You probably have, right?

Many of those women joined my program and I’m working with them now, and
even after we have worked together for a while, sometimes thoughts along
these same lines pop back up, and I want to tell you where I take my
clients and what I want to help you with today. I take them back to desire,
which is their innermost knowing of what they want and what they’re meant
for.

You may be listening to this podcast and going, “But what if I don’t even
know what I want?” This, my friends, is so common. Why? Because many of us
have been lost for so long. Our whole lives might have been built around
what we can do for other people, what we can do for our spouses, for our
children, for our community, all the things. It’s all what can we do for
others?

Many of us, were not taught to really think about what we want and to honor
what we want, and to put it first even. Heaven forbid, right? To put it
first above other people’s wants. So for many of us, when we think about
what we want, we have no idea. When we think about deeper desires, what’s
that? I haven’t thought about that in a long time. If you’ve been around
here for a while, hopefully you have. I talk about desire a lot.

Hopefully you have. But for a lot of people, they have no idea, no clue.
And often the infidelity feels like an identity crisis because the things
that we have identified as a wife, a mother, of this family. Outward
facing, this is what all these people think of us. That becomes our
identity. That’s who we think we are. And so when that all blows up, it can
be really easy to go, “Oh my gosh, who even am I? Who am I? I have no
idea.”

So to start looking at what our desires are, we have to go back in time and
we also have to go ahead in time. And I’m going to tell you why this
matters. I’m going to come back to that. I’m going to come back to this
piece of desire, but first I want to talk about marriage. I am going to be
so open and honest with you and tell you something pretty personal. And
again, if you’ve been around here for a while, you know that I am pretty
open.

I try to be pretty open. There’s some things I don’t share to protect my
kids, to protect different relationships, but I feel comfortable telling
you this because I would only not tell you to protect myself, and I’m okay
putting myself out there. When I decided to get divorced, there was no
desire left to fix it. I don’t know that I’ve ever said it quite that
blatantly before. I was so exhausted. I was so, so tired.

I had been married for 16 years, and there was deceit from the very
beginning. There were problems from the very beginning. There was a lot of
walking on eggshells. There was a lot of wondering what was wrong. There
was a lot of feeling like I must have been wrong in some way. I must be
wrong in some way because this marriage is freaking hard. And if I were
better, then he would want to be nicer to me.

He would want to be kinder, he would want to try harder, and I spent so
much time in therapy trying to fix myself, trying to understand what was
going on. I brought him in and he hated it and was very unkind about it,
about going and said lots of harsh things about it a lot of the time. And
it just was such a struggle. It was so hard, and there was often tension in
the home.

Just this morning, my daughter called me, who is 20. Telling me how she
just feels like she has this sense, she can pick up on people’s moods so
fast and that it very much affects hers, and she’s really working on that
right now. And she said, “Mom, I know that I got that from dad. I know that
I did. I know that I learned from a young age what was going on, and when
he was in a bad mood and when he was in a good mood.

And I kind of put my guard up or acted accordingly.” And she’s really
trying to overcome it, but I often did the same. I often felt like I was
walking on eggshells. And so 16 years in, when I was really faced with…
Things had really hit the fan, and I think I’ve mentioned before, but there
were a lot of factors besides just all the deceit. There was also untreated
mental illness. There was a lot of stuff.

And when I came to that point where I really needed to decide, yes. I was
praying harder than I’ve ever prayed in my life for guidance, for help
because I knew so much was on the line. I didn’t want to get divorced from
the standpoint that I hated so much the thought of my kids having divorced
parents. It was grueling. I hated it, and I wanted to fix it for their
sake. That is true.

But if you would ask me at that time, just Andrea, I was ready to be done.
I was ready to leave. There was so much damage done. I was so exhausted,
just so tired. And the other piece that’s crucial is, that in part made me
so tired was that he had no interest in really doing the work required to
be a good partner and to be trustworthy. And so at that point, I just
couldn’t do it anymore, and I guess I could have.

But if I am honest about where I was at, I did not have a desire to really
fix everything. It was kind of dead at that point. And so when I really
felt that peaceful feeling that It’s okay, Andrea, you can let go. You
don’t need to do this anymore, and really started to listen to myself and
listen to what I wanted. I felt so relieved. So, so, so relieved.

I have a very vivid memory of paddling my way out to the middle of a lake
on a kayak by myself, just myself on the water. And I remember bawling my
eyes out just sobbing and sobbing and sobbing, and it’s not what you think.
It was not tears of grief and loss, although I had plenty of those. That
particular cry session was gratitude. I was so grateful that I didn’t have
to do it anymore. I was so grateful that I had done everything.

I knew that I had done everything that I knew how to do and that I could
set it down. And what I could say now that honestly, it may be hard to hear
and some of you may judge me for, and I’m okay with that. I know wherever
you’re at, this is going to land differently for you. But the desire just
wasn’t even there anymore to do everything required to make it work with
him. And why am I sharing this with you?

Because I talk to people all the time, and I just talked with lots of
people in preparation for opening up my group, and I see a theme. Sometimes
people think that they need to stay, but it’s completely for other people.
It’s for their spouse, it’s for their children, but there is no spark of
desire within them. That spark is dead and gone. Sometimes I meet with
people who do have a spark of desire.

They just don’t know how. They’re like, “How? How will I ever see him the
same? How will I ever be able to not see this as a big black mark on our
marriage? I do want this to work. I do love him, but how?” Right? Or people
who really know that it’s over and done and they even have a desire to
leave, but they’re in denial of it. And they’re arguing with it and they’re
making themselves wrong, but that spark of desire is outside the marriage.
It’s leaving the marriage.

Now, why am I sharing this with you? I’m sharing this with you because
something that I believe is that anything is possible. I think that humans
have a remarkable capacity to heal, to grow, to change the way that we
think. To change the very nature of what our thought processes are, how we
go about things, how we create things in our life, how we view painful
events of the past.

I believe that we are capable of so much. But what it comes down to for me
as a coach is, is there a spark there? Just a spark? I’m not worried so
much about if you don’t know the path before you, so what? I’m not so
worried about, if you’re afraid, if you are so in pain that you can’t
fathom not ever being in pain. What I care more about is tapping into your
spark. You’ve got it. You’ve got some spark of desire in you.

And guess what? That’s all that’s required. Just a spark. A spark. Barely a
flicker in the dark. That might seem like it’s just going to go out so
fast, but that’s all that’s required. Just a spark. If you’re listening, I
want you to ask yourself where your spark is. Where is it? If you’ve got a
spark of possibility in growing and healing the relationship that you’re
in, it’s good enough.

It’s good enough to help you to move forward, to learn how, to grow your
ability. To change the narrative of the story you’re telling. To process
all the heavy stuff that you’re carrying. To learn to see your spouse in a
way that is sustainable. To learn to integrate all of the pain into the
whole. All of these things are possible. Yes, so much lies in him and what
he chooses to do and how he honors the spark in him, and if he’s willing to
use that spark to change his own life.

To step into courageous actions that will create change and trust and the
things that you need to see, right? Here’s what I can promise you though.
There’s no downside to following your own spark. There is no downside.
There is no time lost. There’s no wasted space because what you’re doing is
you’re honoring yourself. Let’s say for example, that you know that love
your spouse and that you know do have a spark to make it work.

Even if you can’t see it yet, even if you have lost so much respect, even
if all of that is real. That you have a spark. Let’s say that you go all in
on that and you trust it, and you trust that there’s something here for me.
There is growth here for me. This is where I’m meant to be. If you just
trusted it and started to take action forward. For you to stand in your
marriage as the person that has the kind of marriage that you want, it
requires a lot of growth of you.

That is never wasted, ever. No matter what our spouse chooses to do, all of
that growth gets to come with you. You don’t check it at the door. If you
down the road, go, “You know what? We want different things.” And you
choose to leave. All of that comes with, and your spark comes with. And
you’ll know and your spark will lead somewhere else, or that spark will
grow and grow and flourish where you are.

And you’ll create something together that is beautiful. Some of you who
don’t have that spark towards your spouse, it’s gone. It’s just not there.
I want you to know there’s nothing wrong with you. I want you to know it’s
okay. It doesn’t mean anything about you. What if it’s just a clue that
this is not meant for you? And that there are places where you will turn
that spark into a burning flame that is strong and solid and beautiful, and
it’s just not here?

What would change for you if you stopped judging your own feelings, your
own desires and just trusted them and just leaned into them? I believe that
desire is the pathway to everything that we want. I believe that desire is
God-given. Now, if you’re listening, whether you are a believer in God or a
believer in universe or spirit, whatever that is for you. I believe that
desire is given to us as a gift from our higher power.

And that it’s also our soul’s truth, that it’s one, that’s unified. That
our deepest desires are meant for us, and they become our roadmap to where
we can go and what we can have. And that when we learn to listen to just a
spark, it doesn’t have to be a clear burning light. It can be just a tiny
flicker, and sometimes that’s all it will be, just a little flicker. I see
it. I feel it. I feel its warmth. I’m going to follow it.

Sometimes that’s all it is, and it takes great courage to follow it. But I
do believe that following it leads to everything that is meant for you. All
the good, all the growth. Sometimes it’s painful. Sometimes that path
requires growing our ability to set down the thoughts that continue to hurt
us. It does involve letting go of things. It involves forgiving ourselves.

It involves letting go of shame. It involves so much. Learning how to step
into difficult conversations and holding onto who we are and trusting the
things that we want are good and not backing down from them. So much
growth, right? So much to be proud of, so much to respect. And the reason
why this matters so much is because after infidelity, for most of the
people I talk to, they, one, lose a lot of respect for their spouse, but
they also feel so small themselves, so small.

I remember feeling that way. I must not matter much. I must not be much for
him to choose to do this. I must not be that important. While I know that
that is not true, it’s easy to go there and it can feel awfully true. And a
lot of people experience a loss of respect for themselves because they feel
like this bomb went off and they have no idea how to deal with it. And
don’t necessarily like how they’re showing up, but they don’t know how to
do it different.

So then they just are hard on themselves and judge themselves, and of
course, they’re really hurt and mad at their spouses, and there’s just so
much pain there. When we can just listen to a little spark within us, a
little bit of truth, those tiny little sparks and start honoring them.
That’s where we start to build our respect back. That’s where we start to
trust ourselves more.

That’s where we learn that no matter what our spouses do, we can count on
us. That we’re no longer living from the outside in. We’re living from the
inside out. What a gift, right? My beautiful friends, so to wrap this up.
Wherever you are, whatever this episode has brought forth to you, however
scary it may feel, however hard it may feel. Whatever judgments come up in
your mind around it, whatever you think other people are going to judge you
for.

I want you to try to quiet your mind and look for the spark. What is the
most true? What is the most true thing? What is your truest desire? Even
just a flicker, do I want to stay? Do I want to go? Answering those
questions and following that little spark and where it leads you. That’s
what I have for you today, my friends. I just want you to know as I am
sitting here recording this, I just love you so much.

All of you all over the world, so much love for you, for your journey. This
is a big journey. It’s probably the journey of your life. Know you’re not
walking it alone. Know that you are not meant to stay here. You are given
this trial, this crisis because you can handle it and you will handle it,
and it will become a catalyst for so much growth. You’re going to look back
and go, “Damn, check me out. Look how far I’ve come. Look who I am now.”

You will look back at the time before infidelity and the time after and be
so proud of all that you have done, how far you’ve come. And it begins with
turning inward and really listening. Look for those sparks and follow them.
All it takes is a tiny spark. Everything else is possible. Everything else
is possible. Before I go, I just want to say in my program, part of what we
do is I teach the how.

I teach how to follow those sparks, how to learn the skills, what are the
skills and how do I learn them so that I can step toward those desires in a
way that is healthy, sustainable, whole, healing, all the things. That’s
what we do inside the program. You learn all of the skills required to
really follow that spark and to create a life that you are so proud of and
that you respect.

To get the clarity and peace that you are just longing for. That’s what we
do. That’s what I do. That’s what I help you with. If you need this kind of
support, if you want this kind of support in a group setting with other
people who are doing the same work, please don’t put it off. This matters.
This is the most important work of your life.

It makes sense that you would invest in time and money and all the things
that you can to help you with the journey of your life. And I’m here for
it. I’m here for it. If you want to work with me, please go grab a spot.
Come talk to me. We’ll get you going. So much love. I will see you next
time. Goodbye.

Thank you for listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast. If you would
like to be kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast
episodes, and other ways of working with me, go subscribe to my weekly
email. You can subscribe at andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/. Again,
it’s andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/. I will see you next time.