I’m Andrea Giles, and you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast,
episode number 157, Your Bottom Line.

Hello and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity podcast where courageous
women learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become
the boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves
ever. If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently
living but don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place.
Stick around to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks
off. Is it possible? It is, and I’m here to show you how. I’m your host,
Andrea Giles. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

Hi, everybody. Welcome back to another episode. Today we are going to be
talking about what your bottom line is. What is the point where you will no
longer continue? We’re going to dive all into that today. Before we do, I
want to let you know that applications are open to join my program. You can
apply over at the show notes. You can go to my webpage and apply. I
personally read through every application. I read through them all. I like
to get to know who you are, a little bit more about your situation. If this
is something that’s been on your radar, go ahead and apply.

One more thing that I want to throw out there is that there has never been
a better time to apply than now. Coming up in October, on October 15th, I
am hosting my first ever virtual retreat within my program. It’s going to
be a six-hour day where I’ve got some guests coming in that are going to be
teaching amazing things. I will be doing some trainings. We’re going to be
doing some deeper coaching. I also am sending some swag in the mail to
every single member of my program, everybody that’s going to be in that
retreat. It’s going to be a really awesome day.

So if you have been on the fence about joining, now is an awesome time.
You’re going to get so much just from that one day. Just from that one day.
I want you to imagine leaving one day feeling like the value from that day
was worth the entire cost of the program. That is what this day will be.
You will leave with a different brain. You’ll leave with new ways of
thinking about things, new ways of processing things, new ways of viewing
the infidelity, viewing yourself. There is no price that we can put to
those things. So if there’s a time to join, now would be the time. Get
yourself in there and I will see many of you there.

Okay, now let’s get onto this week’s topic, your bottom line. Why this
topic? Often, when I’m coaching, something that I see people struggle with
a lot is really identifying what their bottom line is. What do I mean by
your bottom line? What I mean by this is that this is a line that will not
be crossed. If you come to this line, it’s an automatic no-go, right?
There’s a lot of area where we can negotiate, where I can really look at the
situation and make a call in the situation. But your bottom line is where
you know exactly what you will tolerate, what you won’t tolerate, and you
have communicated it. You know it in your mind. That’s what your bottom
line means in this context, okay?

Now, often when people first start working with me, a frustration that they
have is, “I always said that if you cheated on me that I would be gone. You
said if I cheated on you, it’s something that we already had talked about,
that I’d be gone,” and they feel all the shame that they’re even
considering saying, “Let’s talk about this for a minute.” How many of you
relate? All right, here’s the short answer. It’s not that simple. It is not
that simple. Many of us have these things that we say when we don’t really
know any of the nuance. We don’t really know all of the different parts
that go into infidelity. We don’t know where our relationships are going to
go. Now, for some of you having that as your bottom line might work for
you, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. It’s more just
making sure that you like your reasons why.

Oftentimes, when we experience infidelity or some other kind of breach of
trust, something that’s really hurtful, our reaction will be, “I’m done.
I’m out. Sayonara.” Right? And without really looking at the bigger
picture, really looking at all of the pieces that went into it, looking at
our own parts in it, really getting an overall understanding of how it
happened and why. And the reason why a lot of people aren’t so sure when it
actually happened is because it’s not quite that simple. We may have thought
that before we had children. We may have thought that before we had 15, 20,
25, 30 years of history with each other of good times, of hard times, of
all the things, right? So I’m saying to you, if you are feeling shame,
please drop the shame. Please drop the shame. Shame never did anyone any
good. Okay?

So before I move on, for those of you who are feeling bad about it, answer
the question for yourself. Why am I reconsidering? Why am I? Is it because
I’m just too weak? Is it because I just am too afraid? Okay, fear might be
there, but what if that’s not actually it? What if fear is not driving you?
What if fear is there but there’s something bigger that is actually in a
really strong, honest way, is saying pause, wait, let this thing play out a
little bit. There’s things here for you to learn. Okay?

In my next episode that’s coming up, I’m going to be talking about changing
your mind, and that’s a follow-up to this one because sometimes we make a
decision and then our bottom line is crossed and there comes a need to
change our mind. Now, I’m going to get into that next week, but my point in
saying this is that you pausing, you gathering information, you taking
inventory of all of it does not mean that you don’t get to make up your
mind, that you don’t get to change your mind at all. So you need to be clear
on the reasons why you might be slowing things down. Okay?

Now, I am going to give you three real examples of clients who have changed
their mind, people who have changed their mind. All right. Number one, I’m
not going to share names, but this is a client that recently sent me an
email updating me on how she’s doing. And this client was in my program and
actually graduated from my program recently. And while she was in my
program, when she first started, she was pretty determined to stay. She was
pretty determined. And she was getting the coaching in there to help her to
stay and felt like it was what was best for her marriage, for her family.
They owned a business together. And as she continued to work with me, she
became clearer and clearer and clearer on what her bottom line was. It
became more and more clear. Then, in one fell swoop, one day, he crossed
it, he crossed the bottom line. This client, without a lot of drama,
without a lot of questioning herself, did what she needed to do and she
filed for divorce.

She recently sent me an email. I’m going to read you a couple of things
that she shared with me. These are some of the words straight out of this
client’s mouth. “I want to start by thanking you. I thank you for your
podcasts that led me to you, and more importantly for your program. I could
not have endured this journey without your wisdom and help.” And then she
shared with me more about her journey and about they were going to therapy
together. They were doing all the things for nine months, they were going.
And she thought that they were making progress, but what she didn’t know is
that he was still hiding stuff from her. She had a hunch. Even when she was
in my program, she kind of had a hunch. And it was while she was doing that
work that she was getting clearer and clearer and clearer on her own bottom
line. She was getting clearer on that.

And she finally learned some things, learned more truth. I remember when
she came to the call, I remember that day when she just knew and she
decided, “That’s it. I’m done. Okay?” And she says in here, “I’ve come to
recognize that my love for my husband was based on an idealized version of
him, not the reality. His narcissistic behaviors, which I once justified,
have become more apparent now that the fear is exposed.” And she says that,
“In retrospect, D-Day has turned out to be a gift in disguise, offering me
a chance to reinvent my life and find joy in unexpected places.”

So with this particular client, she ended up leaving because she knew that
her bottom line was crossed. She had already done so much work to really
determine what they are from a place of wisdom and knowing and truth, from
a place of knowing what her values are, knowing what her standards are for
her life. Another thing that happened during this time is she was diagnosed
with cancer. That was going on too, a lot of soul-searching, a lot of
really looking at her life, taking inventory and deciding what she wanted.
That’s one example.

Now, I will give you another example. This is another client of mine who in
one moment with her husband, something happened where he did something that
felt sneaky to her. And she had been very clear about being open,
communicative, all of that, and he was sneaky with her. And in that moment
she said, “I’m not playing this game anymore. I am not doing this anymore.
I have told you I will not do this anymore.” And she told him she was
leaving.

Now, when we know our bottom line, we don’t really have to think about it.
We just follow through. When we really know, when know it’s been explored,
we just follow through with it. In the case of this particular client, what
happened is she had felt like he was checking the boxes and doing the
things, but not fully getting it, not fully getting the impact. And what
happened next is he got it and he woke up and he realized, “What am I
doing? What am I doing playing around like this? What am I doing?” And in
their situation, he finally woke up and she really could see it. There was a
huge shift in him. And although for her her bottom line was crossed, her
following through with it, her saying, “No, it’s not a question. I don’t
need time to consider anything. I’m out. I’m not doing this anymore,” her
willingness to show up that boldly showed her what she needed to see.

So my point in saying this is that the bottom line is to protect us. Our
bottom line is to help us to get what we want. When we know what our bottom
line is, we no longer are going to be putting up with things that we might
put up with if we have a really soft bottom line, if it’s really sandy,
right? This client, her bottom line was so firm that when he hit, she’s
like, “No way. There’s no way I’m staying here. If you’re going to keep
doing this. There’s no way.” And she was out. She was heading out. And so
in her case, even though she stayed, it was still her bottom line that
protected her.

I hope you’re hearing that distinction. I hope you hear that distinction.
It was her bottom line that allowed her to say no more, no more. And then
for him, it was really releasing herself from the outcome. In her mind, it
was over, but when she saw that it actually got her what she wanted, she
didn’t want a divorce, right? But she did want him to get it. She did want
him to understand, and her holding true to her bottom line ultimately got
her what she wanted.

The next example is me. And when I was going through divorce, I will say I
had a pretty wobbly bottom line. Even after I really knew everything,
actually, I never did know everything, but when I had a much better idea of
what was going on, I wanted to stay. I sincerely did, and it really felt
like the right decision. I felt peace around it. I felt like it was going
to be okay. I thought, “We’re going to pull this off. We love each other.
We have so much history. We have all these kids. We’re going to make it
work.” And I was pretty optimistic and felt pretty good. I had processed
through a lot of the hurt, of the betrayal, and I thought we were going to
be okay, and I was choosing to stay.

Now, what happened for me is there was a very big bottom line that was
crossed that was a very big deal to me, and that’s when I knew, and that’s
when I filed for divorce. And it was not this super dramatic thing for me.
It was painful. It was hard. I didn’t like it, right? But I just knew in my
gut that it needed to happen. And so when people came to me saying things
like, “Oh, he looks so sorry. Why can’t you forgive him?” I knew that he
didn’t get it. I knew that he was still lying. I knew that for the safety of
myself and my children that I needed to go. My bottom line was crossed. I
knew what the bottom line was. I followed through.

And what happened is when I had moments when he was begging me to stay, I
went back. It’s not that I was hard-hearted. It’s not that I was hateful.
Obviously, I never wanted a divorce, right? It’s that I went back to my
bottom line and really honestly was like, “Okay, is it likely that that
bottom line’s going to continue to get crossed, or is it likely that that
will never happen again?” And the answer is that it was more likely to get
crossed than not. And that actually happened. After I filed, that bottom
line was crossed again and again, and so it just confirmed my decision. It
confirmed that I made the best move for me.

Okay, so how many of you are not sure what your bottom line is? How many of
you feel like it’s wobbly? The best way to know what your bottom line is is
by spending time with you. A mistake that I see so many people make is they
spend all kinds of time with their spouse maybe in therapy and less time
with themselves, less time really exploring who they are. Infidelity, for
so many is a full on identity crisis, really messes with their head and
their heart. And it makes sense that we would need to give ourselves a
little bit of time to get back into our own identity, our own sense of self.
And part of getting back to ourself is really taking inventory and
discovering what values do I want to live by? What values do I want to make
decisions from? What is my standard that I uphold for myself, for how I
will be treated, for what I’ll allow my children to witness? What’s my
standard? Those are the things that will help guide you to what your bottom
line is. It will reveal itself to you. Okay?

I want you to know that this is the work we do inside my program. Every
single person, every single person, I help my clients understand what their
deal breakers are, what are their bottom lines, what are they and how
they’re going to communicate them so that there’s no question.

I also will say that while I fully support couples therapy and couples
work, fully support it, I think it’s important, I also believe so much that
there needs to be a place for my women to get the support that they need to
show up as the best versions of them in that therapy. They’re going to get
so much more when they can come to those therapy sessions with a strong
mind, with clarity, knowing what they want, leading out, bringing that fire
with them to those sessions. They’re going to get a lot more out of them.
Okay?

Now, your bottom line, do you know what it is? Have you communicated it? If
you feel unsure, take some time looking at what your values are. Take some
time thinking about if I fully respected myself, if I thought so highly of
myself, what would I tolerate? What would I not tolerate? Sometimes it can
be easier to think of somebody that you have a high opinion of and plop
into their brain. What might they think? What might they tolerate or not
tolerate? I do this sometimes. I think about different people and try to
borrow their brain, borrow their thoughts. It could be a good way to get a
little bit more clarity.

The more you know what your bottom line is, the more safe you will feel. I
want to say that again. The more you know what your bottom line is, the
more safe you are going to feel. Why? Because when we know that we have
explored it, when we know that we have really done our homework, done our
soul-searching, that it’s based on our best highest self, if that bottom
line is crossed, we already know what we’re going to do. We don’t have to
question it. It doesn’t have to be this dramatic thing. It doesn’t have to
be a big deal at all. It’s just, okay, this line was crossed and this is
what I’m going to do now. It doesn’t mean we don’t have to feel things, but
it means we don’t have to question because we already made a decision. We
don’t have to go through the emotional turmoil of doubting of, “Oh my gosh,
am I sure? Am I sure?” because the decision was made ahead of time from
your highest self, from the best in you. Okay?

All right, I hope this has given you some things to think about, to talk
about with your partner, and I will see you on the next episode. Take care.

Thank you for listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast. If you would
like to be kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast
episodes, and other ways of working with me, go subscribe to my weekly
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it’s andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/. I will see you next time.