And I’m Andrea Giles and you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast, episode number 252 You Don’t Have to Earn Rest or Support.

Infidelity changes everything. Who you thought you were, what you thought your life was. From here, you can keep circling the pain or rebuild something real.

This is a space for men and women navigating infidelity. Whether you’ve been betrayed or you’re the one who broke trust. Trust. I’m Andrea Giles, master certified relationship coach.

I know what’s possible on the other side. When you’re willing to tell the truth all the way out, you’re in the right place. Let’s begin.

Hello, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of Heal from Infidelity. I’m going to tell you at the beginning here that this one’s going to be a little bit shorter. I am getting ready to leave town. I’ll tell you a little bit about that in a second.

But I’m tired. It’s nighttime. I’m tired. I’ve been hard, uh, working all day.

And as I was thinking about recording, I noticed this familiar pull that I gotta get one more thing done before I could let myself stop. One more thing handled, one more thing for the family before I can relax. So I thought, I’m gonna talk about that in this episode because how often do we make rest, support something we have to earn, right? We can do it for both rest and support.

We tell ourselves we can rest when everything is finished, when everyone around us is taken care of, we can ask for help when we’ve tried absolutely everything ourselves. We can receive care when we’re struggling enough to justify it, right? Where did we make it the norm that we have to be a hot mess before we seek support, where we have to exhaust everything, every self help type thing, before we get support that we need, right? We keep going and keep going.

I want to share a little bit about what this has looked like for me. Okay. Over the summer, I really hit a wall. I was traveling solo with my 4 year old.

I was going from Airbnb to Airbnb. Something pretty horrible happened at one of them. With the most challenging owner situation I’ve ever dealt with. I needed to leave.

I found another place, but it didn’t have the same availability for the time I needed. I ended up at four different places. So loading up, unpacking four different times with my little four year old, right? There was a lot that I was navigating personally.

Just some, um, inner changes and helping my daughter who became a mother for the first time and she had an emergency C section and just a whole bunch of things that happened. And I really hit a wall. I hit a wall. And I remember while I was in that space thinking I need to go away for maybe for a good long time and recognize that I was feeling really depleted, that I was feeling more worn out than I was when I left for the summer.

And the whole goal was for me to be able to kind of slow down and have some space. And it just did not go that way from all the different circumstances and a lot of unexpected things. And so I spent time planning this long extended getaway. And it wasn’t just a getaway.

It was very restorative. I was looking at places that could give me lots of kinds of support and I really felt like that was going to be good. And I finally, I came home and what I really saw was that I had to make more room for rest and support in my everyday life. I needed to look at what I was carrying every single day, what I could ask for help with and how I could have time for myself before I reach that point again.

A trip could give me that space. But you still have to come home, right? And I realized that like I still have to come home and I still have to figure out how to carve out more of these things into my life. And so what I did instead is I looked at day to day, what I could do to support me in my life and to make rest non negotiable, that if I needed to rest during the day, that I could do that rather than feeling like I have to work, work, work while I don’t have my 4 year old around me.

And since coming home I’ve been able to figure out a lot of those things. We figured out a, uh, really amazing childcare situation that’s part time but really, really beautiful for our daughter. My husband and I are

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teaming up on that really beautifully. We’re sharing responsibilities. I’m m speaking up more than ever to my kids about what I need. And guess what?

There was still this nudge. There was still this. You still want some time just to be with yourself. Just some restorative time to just be.

Not for anyone else’s calendar or agenda. Not because you have to go for some work thing or client thing or just purely for you. And so I, I listened to that and I trusted myself and I booked a solo trip and I am leaving early tomorrow and I’m. I’m heading to the east coast by myself and I’m just going and spending time with myself and seeing what unfolds.

I have a rental car. I’m m staying at a little place close to the water. And I’m giving myself a gift I have never given myself ever in my life of just going somewhere just for myself, just because I want to, with zero agenda. And I’m delighted.

Okay? So this is not me going because I have to go or I’m going to snap, right? Because I’m desperate. This is me from a place of care and love and enjoyment.

I’m excited about the adventure of checking out something new. And I get to do that before exhaustion becomes my permission slip. And I want that for you too. So let me ask you this.

What do you believe has to happen before you are allowed to stop? And what do you believe you have to do before you’re allowed to ask someone to help you? Okay. It might sound like I can rest once the house is clean or once everyone else is okay, or once I figured out what I’m doing with my marriage.

I can’t really stop being hyper vigilant until I know. I can’t rest in until then, till I have these answers, once I’ve answered these messages, taken care of the kids, made sure nobody needs anything, then I can rest. The challenge is, is that there’s almost always something else that is needed, right? There’s always things that are going to need our attention.

Especially, especially when you’re going through something painful. There can be another conversation to have, another thing you want answered, another decision that you’re trying to make. You might be sitting on the couch, but in your mind you’re reviewing what’s happened, what it means and what you should do. And then you wonder why you’re tired, how many of you can think of days where you really physically didn’t do a lot, but you are exhausted.

It’s because you’re still carrying something. You’re thinking about it, trying to understand it, trying to find a way forward. And that takes effort too. You don’t have to dismiss that effort just because it didn’t produce something physical that you can point to.

And you don’t have to finish making sense of your life before you can take a break from trying to make sense of it. Please hear me on that. Take a break from trying to make sense of it. You can have unanswered questions and eat.

You can be uncertain about your relationship and go for a walk. You can have an important conversation ahead of you and decide, tonight I am going to go to Sleep. The conversation will still be there tomorrow. It’ll still matter tomorrow.

One of the difficult parts of resting is allowing something to remain unfinished and letting our mind be at ease. Because sometimes our, uh, minds attach so much meaning to that. If I stop, I’m being irresponsible. If I stop paying attention, I might miss something.

If I don’t keep working on this, nothing will change. And I want you to please consider. Is everything you’re doing right now actually helping? Sometimes it is.

Sometimes there is a concrete step to take and taking it matters. But other times, you’ve gone over the same question 20 times or 50. You’re searching for clarity that isn’t available tonight. You’re trying to think your way into an answer that requires more information, more time, or another person’s participation.

And it’s okay to notice that it’s okay to ask. I’ve done what I can do with this. Today you’re recognizing the limits of what another hour of effort can give you. There might be things you need to address.

There might be true responsibilities that are ours. But you are also someone that you are responsible for caring for. Your need for rest needs to belong in this picture, and so does your need for enjoyment, even in the midst of heartbreak, even in the midst of uncertainty. I want to include that because sometimes we’ll allow ourselves the bare minimum needed to keep functioning.

But anything beyond that can feel indulgent. We can justify sleep because we have to get through tomorrow. But an afternoon doing something we love or having nothing on the agenda, right? Time alone to explore something that has no purpose beyond being meaningful or enjoyable to you,

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that can be harder to give ourselves. But your life gets to include experiences that you look forward to. You’re allowed to ask, even in the midst. Especially in the midst of everything that you’re dealing with right now.

What would I enjoy alongside what needs to get done? They can both exist. They have to. They need to.

There needs to be room for both. All right, now let’s bring support into this, because you might be willing to let yourself rest eventually, but asking someone to help you get there can feel much harder. Maybe you think they’ve already got enough going on. I should be able to handle this.

I don’t want to max them out. Other people have it worse. I don’t want to be needy. Or maybe you’re waiting until you can explain your needs perfectly, like to justify it.

Until you know exactly how you feel so you can ask. Until you can tell the story without crying or contradicting yourself or changing Your mind. But support can be part of how you figure that out. You’re allowed to say, I don’t know exactly what I need yet, but I know I’m having a hard time.

You can say, can you listen for a few minutes? I don’t need you to solve it. Please, just listen. You’re allowed to ask for practical things.

Could you handle dinner tonight? Could you take care of bedtime? Could you come sit with me? Those are requests you can make before.

Before you reach the point where you cannot keep going. You don’t have to build a case for why your exhaustion is serious enough. You know, I do remember this summer kind of feeling that with myself, of, uh, I have to, like, I have to be hitting this total wall in order to justify this. And I came home like, no, I don’t.

No, I don’t. I just want more support on the ground day to day, get lots more things plugged in. And then I want to go do something. Not because I’ve hit a wall, but because, um, this was.

This truly has been my shift. Okay? Truly. Because I want to celebrate everything that I have done in the last several years.

In the last several years. I want to celebrate myself. That’s what this trip tomorrow is for. That’s what this is for.

I want to celebrate myself. I started a business when I had, I believe, eight children living at home at that time. I had grandchildren that lived close by. I had a child in the middle of that at 44.

That was completely unexpected. I moved during that time. My marriage has had some stressful times. It’s been intense.

Raising teenagers, right? And then having a little one. I mean, on and on and on. I could go, right?

And I’ve grown this business and reached a lot of people, and I just want to go say, good job, Andrea. Good job. You deserve a little break. You deserve to go do something just because you want to all by yourself.

I don’t want to answer to anyone. I want to schedule my schedule however I want. If I want to sleep in, I want to sleep in. If I want to get up early and work for a while and take a nap later on, I can do that, right?

Whatever I want. All, uh. Right. I don’t have to be at a breaking point to do that.

And that’s been the shift for me is actually, this is not a breaking point at all. This is a good job, and this is what we’re going to do to celebrate, and this is what we’re going to do so you can thrive in your next season. All Right? Support can make room for fulfillment.

And you can ask someone to handle a responsibility so you can spend time doing something you love. You can make arrangements for time away before you’re at your breaking point. Your enjoyment is a valid thing to make room for. Sometimes the condition we put on support is a little more hidden.

We think we have to be useful to be cared for. We know how to be the person who listens, who remembers who shows up at the meal, sends the text, notices when someone is struggling. And there can be real joy and fulfillment in that. But what happens when we’re the ones needing something?

Can we let somebody give to us without immediately trying to balance the exchange? Can we receive a meal without promising to return the favor? Can we let someone listen without apologizing for taking up their time? Can we accept help without spending the whole time explaining that we usually have everything under control, right?

No. Reciprocity does matter in relationships, but every moment of receiving does not require an immediate repayment. You are allowed to have a turn being supported. You’re allowed to need support, even if you’re usually really, really capable.

Being capable though, does not mean unlimited capacity. You can know how to do something and still appreciate someone doing it with you or for you. I also

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want to acknowledge that asking isn’t always easy, right? Maybe you have asked before and someone diminished you. Maybe they agreed to help and didn’t follow through. Maybe they made your need into an inconvenience or used what you shared against you.

If that happens, or if that has happened, who you ask does matter. You can choose someone who has shown that they can listen, respect your privacy and follow through. And you can be very specific about the kind of support you want. You don’t have to tell every person everything.

You can share a little, see how they respond, and decide whether you want to share more. And if someone cannot or will not give you what you ask for, that gives you information, right? About what is available in that relationship. It does not establish that your need was unreasonable, and it does not mean you have to become more deserving before you ask someone else.

You can also notice when something needs a more lasting arrangement, a clear division of responsibilities, regular time that belongs to you, support that you can plan around. And that’s been something I’ve been looking at in my life, how to make rest and support a regular scheduled part of it so that I can count on having room for myself. So it’s baked in to the schedule. Okay, so here’s what I want you to try this week.

First, notice your Rule. I’m allowed to rest when I want you to finish that sentence. I’m allowed to rest when. What is your rule?

See what comes up. When everyone is happy, when nothing is pending, when I’ve. When I’ve worked hard enough. Then try this one.

Okay? I’m allowed to ask for support When. When what? When you’ve exhausted every other option.

When you can repay it, when you’re certain nobody will be disappointed. And then one more. I am allowed to do something just for my own enjoyment. When.

What. What conditions have you put on that? You don’t have to judge your answers. Just notice what you’ve been asking yourself to meet and then choose one small thing you can do differently.

Maybe you leave a task until tomorrow and take 20 minutes to go for a walk and. Or sit outside. Maybe you ask someone to take a specific responsibility off of you. Maybe you ask somebody if they can talk.

Maybe you put something on the calendar that you’re excited about and make the arrangements that will allow you to enjoy it. And if someone says yes to helping, let them help, okay? You don’t have to talk anybody out of it. You can let them help.

You can say thank you. You can receive when they’re offering. And if you’re worried that resting means avoiding something important, you can make a plan to return to it. I’m taking tonight off from this, and tomorrow afternoon I’ll decide my next step.

It’s not going anywhere that gives that responsibility a place to land. It’s there and it gives you a break. You don’t have to keep it active in your mind every minute to prove that you’re taking it seriously. All right?

For me, tonight, again, this is a little bit of a shorter episode, but I wanted to show up and share something useful. And I’m also letting this be enough for myself. I’m going to go finish getting ready to take off super early in the morning, and I will come back and report with what it’s like for me. But again, I want to return back to you.

What would enough look like today given the capacity you actually have? Not the capacity you had yesterday, but today. What could wait? What could someone else carry?

And what would you love to have room for? Now, you may have spent a long time being dependable for other people. Now let your own needs be something you respond to as well. You don’t have to earn every moment of rest.

You don’t have to prove you’ve suffered enough to receive care. You can need something, name it and take a step toward it. And you can want something simply because it would bring more enjoyment and fulfillment into your life. Okay, thank you for being here with me today.

I so appreciate it. To those of you who have already joined Truth Teller Circle and are starting with me on October 13th, I can’t wait to start with you. For those of you who have not joined or have really been watching at the time of this recording, I have two spots left. I’m down to two and they are likely going to be gone very, very soon.

But if you listen to this episode and you you want a shot, you want to see if there’s room, I invite you to go ahead into the calendly link that is in the show notes, grab a spot and if there’s a spot available, we will go ahead and have a chat and see if it’s a possibility. All right. Thank you so much and I will catch you on the next episode. Now off to bed and off to the east coast I go. Take care.

Thank you for listening to the Heal From Infidelity podcast. If you would like to be kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast episodes and other ways of working with me, go subscribe to my weekly weekly email. You can subscribe at https://andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/ Again it’s https://andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/ I will see you next time.