I’m Andrea Giles and you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast,
episode number 169, What True Remorse Looks Like?

Hello, and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity podcast where courageous
women learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become
the boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves
ever. If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently
living but don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place.
Stick around to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks
off. Is it possible? It is, and I’m here to show you how I’m your host,
Andrea Giles. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

(00:49):

Hey, my beautiful people. How are you? It’s so good to be here with you
today. I know that for many of you, this time of year can be really, really
challenging. I’m hearing from many people in my group just different things
that used to be joyful, don’t carry the same joy, or they just are
different. If you’re in that camp, I’m just sending you so much love and
compassion and know that you are loved, you are cared for, and that things
are going to get better, things are going to get easier, and you can
rebuild your life in a way that you can have traditions that you look
forward to, that you can change things up to be something that works for
you instead of causing pain. I promise you that’s coming. Okay, hang in.
Alright. Today we’re going to be talking about remorse. Before I get into
it, two quick things.

(01:42):

One is, if you’re not registered yet for my workshop about making the
decision to stay or go after infidelity, get on that. It’s on July, excuse
me, January 9th. I invite you to be there. It’s going to be a three hour
deep dive into making the decision. Many of you are already registered. Go
get in there if you want to be a part of that. That’s in the show notes and
also a reminder that my prices are going up and if you have been on the
fence about jumping into the get Your Life Back after Infidelity group
program, now would be the ideal time to hop in. It’s amazing. I can’t even
put to words what kind of transformations happen inside this group. It’s
been such a joy to run, such a joy to get to know all the women in there,
and I’d love for you to be able to partake in the goodness that is this
group.

(02:39):

It is something else. It’s a very special place. Invite you to join.
Alright, now we’re going to talk about remorse. This is something that I
hear about a lot from clients is he’s saying the right thing, but then he’s
doing this or he’s not saying the right thing, but his actions are this,
and there are some things that have to be in place for remorse to be real
remorse, and we’re going to talk about this today. As you are listening, I
want you to take stock of your own situation, and I want to make a note
here that when I first started this podcast, it was geared more towards
women, and as I have grown, as I have stepped more into my reach and who my
information is for, it’s for anyone who is dealing with infidelity, anyone.
I wanted to make clear that whether you are male, female, et cetera, you
belong here If you have experienced betrayal in any way, okay, so please
know that so far while my programs have been geared more towards women, I
work with men, I speak to men as well.

(03:55):

I want you to know that you belong here and that the same things that I’m
saying for my clients that have generally been female in the past, it
applies to you as well. Okay? These are the same things you need to see in
any relationship, and I want you to know for my men out there listening,
there are some things coming that are for you. Okay? They’re coming. I have
seen the need that everyone needs help. Everyone needs help. This is a hard,
hard topic, so stick around and there’s going to be more things that are
going to be coming and this next year to help you. Okay? Now let’s begin by
talking about the actual definition of remorse. Most of you, I’m sure are
familiar. You have an idea of what it is, but the actual journal definition
is deep regret or guilt for a wrong committed.

(04:49):

That is the definition, A deep regret. Another way of putting it is a deep
regret coming from a sense of guilt for past wrongs, et cetera. You get the
idea, alright? Now after infidelity, it is very, very important that you
know are with somebody who feels remorse. We’re going to break it down in a
lot of detail today of what this needs to look like. Now, everybody is
individual. You are individual, you have your own needs, you have your own
life experience where the way that somebody shows remorse might not work
for you. It might work for someone else and not for you, and that’s okay,
right? It’s not a one size fits all, but we’re going to talk in general
terms today about some of the things that you do need to see. Alright? Why
is this important? Because it is the start of rebuilding trust.

(05:43):

You cannot start to build trust with somebody if you don’t know that they
really even understand what happened, right? A huge red flag is if you are
hearing things like, well, I’m sorry, can we just not talk about it
anymore? I get very uncomfortable talking about it. I don’t want to talk
about it. I said, I’m sorry, really wanting to sweep it under the rug, not
really wanting to go into depth about it and talk about it and listen.
Oftentimes bet trade partners feel that the apologies they receive are
rather shallow or insincere or insufficient. So shallow. That’s that kind
of what I said. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know I hurt you. I’m sorry. Let’s
move on. Insincere, insincere can even look like love bombing. As a
reminder, love bombing is when somebody over does it, when they overdo it.
If they’re telling you, for example, you’re the most perfect wife or
husband, you’re the most amazing ever.

(06:44):

If they’re going on and on and throwing gifts at you and throwing money and
trips and all the things, I would pay attention to that because sometimes
there’s a little bit of, or a lot of manipulation behind that of trying to
get you back where they want you and it can come off as insincere. It’s
like I know that I’m not a perfect wife. I know that I make mistakes for
perfect husband. I know that I annoy you sometimes, for example, so
sometimes this love bombing can feel very insincere when we can cut right
through it and know that they’re not fully being honest and often it can
feel insufficient. It’s just not enough. It’s not enough. Right? In this
episode, we’re going to talk a little bit more about what actually
constitutes a real apology. What really constitutes real remorse? Alright?
Again, the role of remorse, real remorse, and then an apology that comes
hopefully from that remorse is acknowledging, fully acknowledging the hurt
that was caused.

(07:48):

It has to be acknowledged. Next is validating the betrayed partner’s
emotions. Okay? This is a mistake that I often see. It’s like, okay, I’m
going to be over here and I’m going to tell you how sorry I am, how
regretful I am, how remorseful I am, and button it up and that’s it, and
moving on, and they don’t give any space to actually hear from the betrayed
partner about what it was like for them to be betrayed. This is not real
remorse. Real remorse means that we are willing to hear the other person.
It means we are willing to sit there and swallow our pride and listen to
how our actions hurt the person in front of us. We are not running scared,
we are not hiding. We are not ducking and covering. We are listening. This
has to be the starting point for building trust.

(08:42):

Why? What happens if there is no remorse, if there is no apology? Number
one, resentment builds. Resentment is so poisonous. It’s like a poison that
just builds over time and corrodes everything in its wake. If we don’t get
that apology, if it’s going back to business as usual, that resentment
builds. It corrodes your own experience with yourself. Resentment feels
terrible to the person who is feeling the resentment. It’s not good for us
to feel resentment, and then of course the other person picks up on it, so
it affects both of you, but the one that it hurts most is the one who’s
feeling resentful. The betrayed partner is going to feel invalidated and
dismissed. This is not good for anyone. It’s not good for anyone to feel
invalidated or dismissed. That is not going to be a foundation for
rebuilding. So what this could look like is, for example, we already talked
about that.

(09:45):

Why do you have to bring that back up? I already went through this five
times. I already answered this questions. Why do we need to bring it up
again? When are you going to get over this? It’s been three months, it’s
been a year. Why do you have to go through this again? Why do we have to
hash this out again? That’s what it looks like to be invalidated, dismissed.
Well, if you wouldn’t have this, that and that, I wouldn’t have this and
this and this, okay? Genuine ownership, genuine remorse. There are no
excuses. Full stop, no excuses, no justifications. I chose to do this thing
and it hurt you deeply. I chose to lie to you again and again and again,
and there is no way ever that that was okay. There’s no world in which I
can justify that and I’m so sorry and I’ll do whatever it takes to make it
up to you and to show you that I’m all yours and that I will make this
right and I’m so sorry.

(10:47):

I know I hurt you. Right? Part of a real apology is empathy, really
demonstrating understanding of the pain cause. Okay? I want to clarify
something here. What’s the difference here between saying I understand and
demonstrating that you understand? One is I get it. I know that I hurt you.
I get it. I understand fully. I understand why this must have hurt you. Real
empathy is very demonstrating just that word actions. Actions. You are
showing in your actions that you understand, and this looks like holding
your spouse. When they’re crying, it looks like holding their hand. It
looks like reassurance as much as that person needs it. I don’t know one
person whose confidence doesn’t take a hit when their spouse is unfaithful,
so this can look like, I’m sorry for putting you through this. I’m so sorry
for the impact this has had on you, and I’m here and I’m here and I’m here
and I’ll do whatever.

(11:50):

What do you need? What do you need from me today? Now, another thing that’s
a characteristic of real remorse, real and a real apology is addressing the
actual harm cause not just vague, not just, yeah, shouldn’t have done that.
Yeah, probably not a good idea, right? Right. This is the difference
between showing, I’m going to say this thing to get you off my back and I
really, really understand. This is very specific. Yes. That night when I
said that I was here, I was here and I lied right to your face about it, and
of course that broke your trust and that was so wrong. That was so wrong.
You’re willing to talk about the details, the moments that broke trust, the
exact language that broke trust, very specific. Okay. Next, you can’t have
an apology or show real remorse without a strong commitment to change.

(12:53):

This is what I am going to do. You are offering a clear plan for how things
are going to be different. You are offering a clear plan. This is not the
spouse giving over this manual of I’m going to need you to do this and this
and this and this and this, and then we’ll see, okay, the person who hurt
the other, who broke the trust, it’s them that’s offering the plan. This is
what I am going to do to be a better partner. This is what I’m going to do
so I can understand why I did this thing in the first place so I never get
us here again. For example, it can sound like I’m committed to being honest
and I’ll share my schedule with you, or you can look at my phone whenever
you want. Just say the word. You can track where I’m at.

(13:42):

If it makes you have some kind of peace, if I know that I’m running late, I
will check in with you. I will check in with you. If I’m running late, I
don’t want you to worry about where I am, so I will make sure to pay
attention to that. I will take that burden on and I want to say, not that
it’s a burden, let me backtrack a little bit, but what I mean by that is
rather than placing the blame on the other person or the responsibility of
the other person to say, Hey, you’re late. Where are you? It’s going, I’m
going to keep you at the front of my mind and how I can show up for you,
and if I know I’m going to be late, I am taking that on and I will reach
out to you. I’m not going to make you chase me down.

(14:25):

That’s the difference there. Okay? So much of the time I hear people
saying, well, this is just one of many examples of what this looks like. He
was late and I tried calling him and he didn’t pick up, and I got triggered
and I got scared and this and that. Okay? The problem isn’t that he didn’t
pick up. The problem is that he wasn’t where he said he was going to be in
the first place. If he said he is going to be home at this time and he is
not home at this time, he better have a really good reason. It’s not the
burden of the one who was betrayed to chase to track down. It is the
responsibility of the person who broke the trust to take ownership of
communication, of accountability, to be the one to reach out and say, Hey,
I’m running late.

(15:10):

This is when I’ll be home. I am here. I’m thinking about you. I remember,
okay, now let’s talk about what a real apology and what real remorse does
not look like. Ready. A real apology does not look like defensiveness. I
only did it because you X, Y, and z. I only did it because I knew that if I
told you the truth, you couldn’t handle it. I remember something that was
said to me was, well, I remember when I told you this thing early on in the
marriage. You cried, and so I knew that I could never tell you anything
again that was actually said to me, it’s ridiculous. It’s mean I get to
respond however I want to respond to this thing that you’re telling me.
That’s hard to hear. That does not give you a justification to lie to me
about it. Defensiveness is not okay saying, well, I only did it because you
this and that.

(16:05):

Well, if you understood better, then I wouldn’t have to this and that. I
always feel like I’m in trouble. I never feel like I could get anything
right with you, so that’s why I did this. There is zero room for that with
real remorse. Now, when you’re in the rebuilding phase, when you are in the
rebuilding phase, this is where we get to talk about our needs and our
wants that were unexpressed before the infidelity. That’s where we get to
break this down and really look at it and it is important, but this is
coming. The energy behind that is rebuilding, not defending. I hope you can
hear the difference. The next thing that a real apology does not look like
is minimization trying to make it seem like it wasn’t that big a deal or
comparing it to what could have happened. Well, at least we didn’t this and
this and this.

(16:55):

Well, I could have this and this and this and I didn’t. There is no room
for that. Why? Because the person in front of you is telling you that they
are very hurt by the thing that you did and that is the end of it. That’s
it. There is no comparing to other hurts. It just is and trying to minimize
it and make it smaller in the mind of the person that is feeling hurt only
makes it worse. It adds to the pain. First I’m hurt and now you’re going to
tell me it’s not that big a deal. First I’m hurt and now you’re going to
tell me that it could have been so much worse and good thing I didn’t this
and this and this, and you’re overreacting, huh? No, no. Okay. We get to
experience the hurts that we feel exactly how we experience them and
minimizing.

(17:46):

It just adds on more feelings of shame like we’re doing it wrong. It can be
very manipulative. It can mess with people’s heads rather than really just
owning, yeah, I see that I hurt you and I understand why you’re so hurt.
The other thing it does not look like is shifting blame. If you would have
paid more attention to me, I wouldn’t have cheated if you had been more
physically intimate with me. I wouldn’t have cheated if you didn’t take that
job, if you didn’t spend so much time with the kids. If you would’ve put me
first, and here’s the thing, all of these things are things that can be
valid, things that need to be discussed. It just does not belong in the
apology. It does not belong in the space where we are showing remorse and
showing that we get it. It does not belong in that conversation at all.

(18:44):

All the last piece that does not belong there is over promising. It does
not belong there. I swear I’ll never hurt you again, and then falling back
to the same old behaviors that doesn’t work right? Even over promising in
ways that as I alluded to before, are unrealistic In reality, we do hurt
each other in reality. We mess up in reality, we are evolving and growing
every day, so look at what you can promise and what you can keep your word.
I promise I won’t lie to you again. That’s a good one and one that you can
honor. It’s totally within our control, okay? Promising, for example, to
never yell again or to never get mad again, or to never hurt somebody again,
that’s too vague, right? We are going to hurt each other again, so get more
specific about what you will and will not do.

(19:45):

That will make you a more trustworthy person. Now, I know most of you
listening are not the ones that did the betraying, but these are things
that I want you to listen to so you can know what you can expect, and
anything less than this is not good enough. It’s not good enough, and it
will not get you the kind of relationship that you want. It never will.
Alright? How to ask for a meaningful apology, how to speak up for it, how
to advocate for it, how to share the things that you want. Now, ideally,
they would just know, ideally they would just say the thing that you want
to hear, but sometimes we do need to educate a little bit and you getting
better at these things is going to be part of helping to heal yourself so
that whether you stay or go, you will be a stronger advocate for yourself
no matter where this relationship lands.

(20:42):

The first is expressing your needs. I need you to acknowledge how deeply
this hurt me. I need you to acknowledge the ways that you were deceptive. I
need you to acknowledge the impact here that this had on me. I need you. I
need to hear it from your lips, not me telling you, but you showing me that
you get it, okay? For example, you can say, I want to know what steps
you’re taking. I want to know what you’re doing to ensure this doesn’t
happen again. Okay? Do you hear the difference between that and here’s my
list of the things that I need you to do. Okay? That’s not the goal. This
is, I want to know what you’re doing to figure this out. I’ll be right
here. You come tell me when you’re ready, right? I need to hear that you
get it, that you understand.

(21:34):

You tell me how you think this affected me. I want to hear it from your
mouth, okay? You can say these things. You can ask for these things and I
encourage you to do so. Alright? To wrap this up, a real apology, real
remorse is an essential step. It has to happen. You cannot rebuild trust if
you don’t see real remorse, and what that real remorse looks like is
ownership, empathy and a commitment to change, and it’s not just saying the
words, this is my plan, this is how I’m going to do it. Anybody who tries to
do anything without a plan will likely fail. We have to have a plan. You
got to know, it’s like anything that we try to do, anything we want to get
good at, I want to go build muscle and get stronger, which I use this
analogy because it’s something that I’m currently working on.

(22:28):

Great. Andrea, what are you going to do? What’s your plan? Okay, this is
the program I’m following, this is when I’m going to do it. This is the
equipment I need. This is how I set it up, okay? That’s how I set myself up
for success. Somebody just saying, I’m going to never lie to you again, or I
will never get us in that situation again. Alright? I want to know what is
your plan? What are you going to do when so-and-so at the office asks you
to go to lunch? What are you going to do when you’re traveling and you’re
around people that might want to talk with you and might want to take you
out to eat or whatever? What’s your plan? How are you going to make sure
that you don’t get yourself in this situation again? Next, I want you to
think about what you personally or missing, if anything in the apology that
you have gotten.

(23:21):

What’s missing? What remorse have you not heard yet? And some of you have
heard it all, some of you listening, I hope your takeaway is actually his
remorse or her remorse is totally genuine and take that to the bank, and
then from there it’s like, okay, what do I want to do with it? Which is not
part of this episode, but for many of you it’s okay. What’s missing from
those things? What’s missing and how can I advocate for that? How can I
communicate it to my partner that this is what I want? Again, this is part
of rebuilding, communicating. We are not always going. Our spouses often,
often, often we’ll not know what we want. They will not know what we need
and we might think that they should know, and this is a recipe for
disaster. The notion that they should be able to read our mind or just know
what we need is a recipe for disaster.

(24:19):

So the more that you can get clear yourself on what it is that’s missing
and then communicate it and ask for it the better. Lastly, I want to just
remind you again that in no world was this your fault. In no way did you
make them go do this thing and that regardless of what you blame yourself
for, you are due an apology. You are due remorse. There is room later in
this process to look at the dynamics and the culture and the ways that you
interact in your relationship. Yes, there is room for that is necessary if
you’re going to build, even if you’re not. Even if you’re leaving, this is
necessary because we don’t want to take unhealthy patterns with us into a
new relationship, right? This is important, but I want you to know that no
matter what you blame yourself for or no matter what they blame you for,
you are worth real remorse. You are worth a real apology and standing your
ground in that. There’s no excuse. There’s no excuse. There’s nothing that
can be said that is good enough to justify betraying another person’s
trust. There’s just not. Alright, beautiful. Friends, thank you for being
here. I hope that you gained something from this. I hope it gave you some
more clarity, and I will talk to you very soon. Take care.

(26:01):

Thank you for listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast. If you would
like to be kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast
episodes, and other ways of working with me, go subscribe to my weekly
email. You can subscribe@andreagiles.com slash lies about dash infidelity
slash. Again, it’s andreagiles.com/lies about dash infidelity slash I will
see you next time.