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I’m Andrea Giles, and you’re listening to the Heal From Infidelity podcast, episode number 211, Vulnerability and Surrender: The Courage to Lean in After Betrayal.

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Hello and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity podcast for courageous women learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become the boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves ever. If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently living but don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place. Stick around to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks off. Is it possible? It is. And I’m here to show you how I’m your host, Andrea Giles. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

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Hello everybody. Welcome, welcome. I hope you’ve enjoyed the last couple of weeks with the fun guests that I’ve had. I’m happy to be back solo with you today. I always love recording these for you. It’s always a gift to be able to bring what’s on my heart, on my mind, the things that I’m seeing, the things that I notice with clients, the things that I’ve been thinking about, and to bring them here. And this episode is around these two pieces of vulnerability and surrender that can be so, so challenging, especially after you have been hurt. And I want to talk to you about those things today. So first of all, just a little life update. I’ve mentioned I had two daughters get married this year, and the last one was in August and then in September, one more reception out-of-state reception for one of them.

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And finally all of that is over. And it’s like my body, my body is like, okay, you have to rest. And I’ve gotten sick a couple times in the last month and it’s just kind of hanging on. So you’ll hear me being stuffy today, just my body’s really forcing me to slow down. So thank you body for looking out for me. And now I can feel better. Please, that would be great, right? Anyway, things are more potent than ever in my group program, the Get Your Life Back After Infidelity Program. We are doing really deep work over there, really deep work. If you are in a place where you know that it’s time to go deeper into yourself, that it’s time to stop avoiding certain things that you have avoided. If you know that you have been turning outward and watching to see what he does to determine how you’re doing, it’s time to come get into this program and to get the support for yourself so that you can feel better in your own skin, feel good in your life, feel some in your life.

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And then take that energy into the decisions that you’re making, into the things that you need to look at, into actively creating the life that you actually want, not just kind of taking what’s like the path of least resistance here. Okay? So go get in, go apply, get in, and let’s get you started. Alright, here we go. Vulnerability and surrender. Okay, so often these words, particularly surrender, can feel a little bit like a slap in the face. What do you mean surrender? You want me to surrender? Surrender what? And I understand that because after you’ve been hurt in the way that you’ve been hurt, the last thing you want is to lean in. The last thing you want to lean in to let go. Everything in you screams. I’ll never let this happen again. This is never happening again. In fact, yesterday something popped up in my Facebook feed that was an article somebody was quoting Esther Perel, who many of you have probably heard of her.

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She is a relationship expert. She has done a lot of work around infidelity, particularly in her book, the State of Affairs and the comment section, oh my goodness, just the comment section of so many people saying, this is the worst pain I’ve ever had. I will never get over it. I will never recover. And because of this, I will never be in a relationship again. Never. And so many comments like that. And it’s interesting to do the work that I do and read comments like that and go, I know what you need. And is that actually what you want? Or are you reacting to something that was really, really painful for you? And are you currently creating more pain for yourself by continuing to stay in that place where that’s your story? And what I’m saying to you is that there is another way, there is another way forward where you don’t have to hurt for the rest of your life where you don’t have to see yourself as this wounded bird that can’t handle being in a relationship again, or doesn’t want a relationship again, because you don’t want to get hurt because you’re so wounded.

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That is all optional. You don’t have to. There is healing, there is healing, there is strength that can come from all of this. So first of all, this piece of survival that kicks in after we’ve been hurt, there’s a natural survival instinct to armor up, right? It’s this protective reflex to armor up. Don’t let your guard down. And your nervous system is likely on very high alert. Your nervous system is creating this between your mind and your nervous system. It’s difficult to let that armor down at all, right? And the hard truth here, the paradox here that’s tricky, and I have so much compassion for this place, is that the very armor that has kept you alive in the immediate crisis will keep you stuck if you keep wearing it. Long-term healing actually requires the opposite of what your fear is. Demanding healing requires softening.

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Isn’t that interesting? It’s like that armor that got put up in the immediate crisis that feels like safety. I’ve got to be on guard, be on guard. Don’t you dare let your guard down. That very armor is going to keep you stuck if you don’t take it off or if you don’t soften it. It kind of makes me think about people in different times of history who have to wear breastplates to protect themselves. They can’t wear them all the time. They wear them when they go to war. They wear them when they know that they might get struck. They can’t wear them all the time. It’s too heavy. It’s too heavy to wear all the time. It would create all kinds of other issues for them to carry that weight of the armor all the time. You are much the same. We are not meant to carry it all the time.

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Alright, so before I move into this next segment, I want you to take a little breath. Just slow down, take a breath, let your body know that you’re safe to listen and to be here. And that there’s going to be something here that’s going to offer insights that you can open up to and practical tools that you can take today and run with. Okay? Or at least walk. How about walk with, okay. Alright. So the courage to be vulnerable, betrayal damages our sense of safety in this world. And so we close off, we emotionally, sometimes physically just shut it all down. Don’t touch me, don’t come near me, right? And this is your psyche’s emergency brake. The brakes are on screeching halt. And this response is actually wise in the short term that it’s not meant to be a permanent operating system. It’s not meant to be there forever.

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So let’s talk about vulnerability. What is vulnerability? Vulnerability does not equal naivety. Okay? Naivety is blind trust or letting someone hurt you. Again, it’s blind trust. Vulnerability is a willingness to be seen, to feel what you feel to risk showing up with your full self, even without guarantees, even without knowing how this is going to work out. How is this going to end? What’s the relationship going to be? Are we going to stay together? Are we not? Are they going to decide to go all in? Are they not? That kind of thing, right? Am I going to decide that this is what I want or not? We don’t know yet. We don’t know yet. And often we don’t want to risk being vulnerable until we know if we’re even in or not. And what I’m saying to you is that vulnerability is actually going to lead you to the answers that you are looking for far quicker than keeping that guard up.

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Okay? Vulnerability is about learning to trust yourself, to meet whatever reality brings, not necessarily trusting the other person. Vulnerability, yes, we are placing at least some trust with somebody else when we share things, vulnerability, we are hoping that they will hear it, but it really is taking a leap of faith in ourselves that however this goes, however this person responds, I have my own back here now. Again, the cost of staying armored, chronic tension, hyper vigilance, distance from one’s own heart, all of these things can wreak havoc. What’s this distance from one’s own heart? This means that it’s like we’re so armored up that we are kind of unaware of even what’s going on with us, except that we know that we’re in pain and that we don’t want more pain. It keeps you in a loop of defending against pain instead of feeling pain, instead of leaning into it, instead of going inward and connecting with our pain, connecting with it.

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It starves us of intimacy even with people who are trustworthy. When we have that armor up, we are in general armored up around everyone for a while. And we might have some people that we trust more than the person that betrayed us, but we might still be really armored up to where no matter what anybody says, it’s not going to be the right thing. Or we may feel extra vulnerable. For example, somebody might suggest something about staying or going and it can feel very, very threatening. We can’t hear it when we’ve got that armor up. It can make it so that our actions become more automatic and more robotic rather than actually going inward and looking at how do I want to act here? How do I want to act? And I believe I’ve shared this on the past episode, but I think it bears repeating again here.

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I remember toward the end of my first marriage, a lot had been revealed. I knew a lot. I still did not know it all. I’m guessing I still don’t know it all, and there’s no way I ever will at this point. But I knew a lot of what had been happening. I knew that there had been deception for many years. I knew that we were in trouble. I knew that he was not doing great. I knew enough. And I think by nature because of a lot of the things that I experienced as a child, I think that really deeply letting people see me has always been a challenge. So much challenging, really, really letting people see me. And even so I remember toward the end of the marriage having this knowing that what was needed from me was to give him all the love that I had to pour into him my love, my belief in him, my love for him, my care for him, my wanting him to feel better, to get better, to be better.

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And I did that with an open heart. I remember holding him and just telling him how much I loved him and how much I believed in him, and really, really laying it out in a very vulnerable way, telling him what I hoped for, telling him what I saw in us and in our relationship and my care for him and my hope for him and for us. And that went on for a while. And the only reason why I pulled it back is because he chose to move away from it. He chose to close me out and to continue on with some of the patterns and behaviors that he had been doing before. And then for me, what I knew is that at one point he’s showing you that he not want to be here, not in the way that is acceptable to you and in your own integrity.

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And so I filed, right? But what I knew going out of that is I truly did everything I knew how to do. I showed up with strength. I showed up with vulnerability. I showed up with an open mind, an open heart, trying to see what don’t I understand? What do I need to understand here? Where am I wrong? All of that, right? And ultimately, ultimately I ended up leaving. But I know where my heart was, right? I know that it was sincere, that it was real. And so even though ultimately it did hurt a lot, it did hurt a lot that I remember crying so much of like, why was I not enough for him to pick? I know many of you have felt that. Why was I not enough? Why was our family not enough for him to decide to make these changes so we could stay together?

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But ultimately, in my own healing, that was his choice. And I know how I showed up and what my choice was to show up in that. So now moving on to surrendering to what does that mean? This can be a hot button sometimes because it can feel like, are you kidding me? I’m just supposed to roll over and surrender and accept this. No, this is not submission. Surrender is not submission. Surrender is not passivity. It’s not just laying like a lump on the ground and be like, okay, go ahead and kick me again. Right? Surrender is dropping the fight with reality so you can actually meet reality with clarity and with agency. It’s powerful, it’s potent. It gives you back your agency when you can drop the fight. We resist reality because our mind clings to the idea that if I resist hard enough, things will change or be undone.

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We’re fighting with it. We’re fighting with reality. Resistance often keeps us locked in rumination. If I think about this enough times, maybe something different will reveal. Maybe I’ll get a different answer. Maybe I’ll find some corner that has not been explored that will pop out and that’ll see LC or resistance often too, keeps us in blame. If I can just have someone to blame, then I don’t have to look at me. Okay? What surrender actually looks like in real practice is accepting that the betrayal happened. And we can’t go back and rewrite it. It just is. It just is. And we can immediately go to, yeah, but right? Yeah, it just is. But if he wouldn’t have this and that she wouldn’t have this and that on and on, if I wouldn’t have this and that, right? Sometimes we’re blaming ourselves, right? It just is.

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And we are allowing the truth of what is in front of us, what our partner is saying, what they’re doing today, not who you wish they’d be. We are dropping into what is in front of me today, what is here? And we’re letting grief or anger move through us rather than tightening against it. We’re just allowing it to be. It’s like saying, yes, this is what is real, and this is the feeling that accompanies the reality of this. Really allowing myself to feel the reality of it. And in this, we’re seeing clearly what is in your control and what is not in your control. We can only see that when we drop the fight. We can’t see it when we’re resisting it. So when we stop fighting what’s already real, we’re freeing up our energy to discern, to choose and to heal isn’t that powerful?

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And paradoxically, surrender often brings a sense of peace. Even before circumstances change, we cannot transform what we can’t first acknowledge. We have to acknowledge it first, and then we can transform it even before circumstances change. Who knew? Who knew that we could have inner transformation long before anything outside of us changes, but we have to drop in and stop the fight. Okay? How do vulnerability and surrender work together? Vulnerability without surrender can become self punishing. Okay? Trying to open up while still being in denial about reality. Surrender without vulnerability can become resignation. Accepting reality, but staying closed and bitter together, they form the foundation of self-trust. Surrender opens your eyes, vulnerability opens your heart. Both are needed for authentic connection with yourself first, then with others. Okay, I’m going to say that again. Surrender opens your eyes like I’m just going to see it. I’m just going to stop fighting it, looking away, resisting it.

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I’m just going to see it. And vulnerability opens your heart and self-trust comes from being able to hold both of those and move through it. And know that no matter what happens, you still have you. How many times have you in your own life tried to control an outcome and tried and tried and tried and tried to control an outcome until you finally surrendered to reality? You might have your own example in your own life of a time unrelated to infidelity where this has happened and then dared to show up vulnerably. Maybe it was with a friendship or with a family member or with a job, and then showed up vulnerably. And that’s when real clarity and healing began. Okay, so now I want to give you some things to try. Some concrete, doable things that you can practice. Okay? Name your resistance. I want you to write down what am I still fighting that is already true.

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And why? What am I still fighting? That is already true. What do I already know is real and I’m fighting against it? It could be that this even happened. It can be that I have to choose. It can be that our kids are going to find out. It can be a story that you have about yourself that you don’t want to look at. That could be it. Some painful story that you’ve believed about yourself for a long time, that the infidelity has cracked back open, and you do not want to go there, but it’s there. It’s there. So let’s stop making yourself wrong for it being there, and allow ourselves to open up to it. Okay? Next, allow a feeling to be felt. Spend a couple minutes sitting with an emotion rather than distracting or tightening against it. Three, one, small act of vulnerability. This might be admitting to yourself that you miss your partner or that you’re still angry or expressing a need to a trusted friend.

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Four, practice a self-trust mantra. I don’t need to know the whole future. I trust myself to meet what is here today. You don’t need to know. I know that we want to know so badly, and we often think that until we know how this is going to go, we’re going to hold ourselves back. Doesn’t work that way. I wish it did. We only get what we really want most when we go get it. It’s not going to be landed in your lap. Even for those of you who have spouses that are by all looks of it, very remorseful, really wanting to fix it, doing all the things. Being all the things, it’s not going to be enough if you don’t allow yourself to tap into vulnerability and surrender, you’ll still keep fighting that the thing happened and you won’t be able to feel in your body because you have that big fat armor on, right?

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I want to ask you as I’m talking, how thick is your armor that breastplate? How thick is it and what is it keeping you from actually feeling? What’s it keeping you from receiving? Okay, I don’t need to know the whole future. I trust myself to meet what is here today. And number six, a breath between trigger and response creates room for a different choice. I can’t tell you how powerful a pause is. Just a pause, an intentional pause. Take a breath, take a breath, pause, pause, pause. Go for a quick little walk. I can’t tell you how many times I have walked to the mailbox. I live on about five acres and my house is set back a little bit. And so it’s a little walk, not a long walk, but it’s a little walk to the mailbox. And that little walk is so much of a pause for me.

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I breathe that air, I put my feet on the ground. It’s nature, it’s pretty. There’s trees, it’s peaceful. I can feel it. I can smell the smells. It’s a short little walk. And I can’t tell you how much that does for my body before reacting to things. I’ve done that many times, that little walk. Okay, I’m going to go through those again really quickly. I know many of you that listen are note takers. Write these things down. Number one, name your resistance. Number two, allow a feeling to be felt. Number three, one small act of vulnerability. Number four, practice self-trust. Mantra. Which the mantra I suggest is I don’t need to know the whole future. I trust myself to meet what is here today. And number six, pause before reacting. Pause before reacting. This one is so, it’s so crucial. It’s so crucial. I can’t tell you how important this skill is to develop.

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Okay? Okay. As a wrap up here, I want to remind you that your power doesn’t come from more control. It comes from the courage to stay open-hearted and the wisdom to stop fighting what’s already real, okay? Your power doesn’t come from more control. It comes from the courage to stay openhearted and the wisdom to stop fighting what’s already real. It already happened. It’s done. The moment you surrender and allow vulnerability, you begin to reclaim authority over your own healing. You are no longer at the mercy of what somebody else does or doesn’t do. You reclaim your own authority over your own healing, and then you get to start being in the driver’s seat again of directing yourself forward, leading yourself, forward being in charge, not being at the mercy of what other people did, of what somebody else did. I encourage you to keep going.

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I encourage you to take a courageous step. It might be coming and joining my group program. It might be having a tough conversation that you know that you’ve needed to have that requires you to show up with that strength and vulnerability. Again, vulnerability is strength. Vulnerability is strength. Okay? Alright. I invite you to take another step. Lean in, lean in, lean in, okay? And I also want to say, if you do not follow me on Instagram, come follow me on Instagram. You can find me at the Infidelity Coach. It’s very easy, the infidelity coach, go find me on there. Come follow me. You’ll get more goodness there. More content, more strategies to try things like that. Go check me out and share this podcast. Share my Instagram with anybody you know that needs it. And one more thing, if you haven’t left a review, please do. Down in the bottom of the show notes, you can click on the show notes. And there’s a very simple way for you to leave a review that you can put in whatever name you want on whatever platform you listen to. And I appreciate it so much, and it helps the reach so much so that people know that this podcast exists. Alright, thank you. Take care, and I’ll see you next time.

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Thank you for listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast. If you would like to be kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast episodes, and other ways of working with me, go subscribe to my weekly email. You can subscribe@andreagiles.com slash lies about infidelity slash Again, it’s andrea giles.com/lies about dash infidelity slash I will see you next time.