I’m Andrea Giles, and you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast,
episode number 176, Turning Intense Moments into Growth.

Hello and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity podcast where courageous
women learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become
the boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves
ever. If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently
living but don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place.
Stick around to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks
off. Is it possible? It is. And I’m here to show you how I’m your host,
Andrea Giles. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

(00:50):

Hi everybody. Welcome back to another episode. Before I jump into the
content for today, I want to just remind you that if you are not in my
program, now is an excellent time. On February 11th, I am hosting an all-day
virtual retreat. It’s going to be nine to four all online, amazing, amazing
content, amazing guests that are coming. It’s going to be all about learning
how to get out of our own way essentially, so that we can call in and claim
the things that we are meant to have, how to stop self-sabotaging, how to
let go of the painful stories that continue to hurt us so that we can call
in the things that we really, really need. So if you are not in come get
in. If you want a guest pass to this class without joining the program,
that is also available in the show notes.

(01:50):

You can grab a one day pass, you’ll get access to the group for this day
and to this call, you also get access to a call replay. So if you know that
you can’t come to the whole call, you will have access to the replay and
can watch it later. Okay, so let’s get into today’s topic. Alright, I’m
going to begin by sharing with you why this episode came to be. What was it
that inspired this episode? So a few weeks ago I went skiing with my family
at a place that I have never been skiing before. First of all, a little
background. I went skiing for the first time in my life when I was probably
17 years old, maybe 16, and I only went once. And then when I was engaged
to my first husband, we went skiing maybe two or three times, and then I
didn’t go again for something like 18 years.

(02:48):

So I skied again. This was maybe 10 years ago that I skied again and have
gone a handful of times since. So I am by no means a great skier, but I
really, really like it. I really love it actually. I think it’s so fun to
ski. And this time we went to this new place, this new mountain in Montana
for anybody who’s familiar with Montana. It’s up in a town called Whitefish
and beautiful, beautiful place. We went up there and I told my husband
before we got there, I do not want to be put into position where I have to
go down a hill that I’m not ready for. I want to stick to the easier hills
as long as I want until I am ready to go down the bigger ones. So here’s
what happened. Okay? My husband hadn’t been to this resort for like 30
years, so obviously it’s going to be a little different.

(03:44):

He didn’t remember it at all and I had never been there. So we get there,
we get on the lift, we’re looking at the map going, oh look, this one says
that there’s these kind of easier ones to go down. Let’s go this way.
Great. So we start going up, we start going up and we get to the top. And
the easier route is nowhere to be found. It is nowhere to be found. There’s
only these pretty big hills, not like black diamond, but still pretty
advanced hills. And I was not happy. I was not happy, and my husband is
much better at skiing. He grew up skiing. He has skied quite a bit. And so
he was like, it’s going to be fine. Just do this. Just do it this way. Go
this way. Lean in on this. And I was just getting more and more annoyed.

(04:34):

This is exactly what I didn’t want. I did not want to feel pressured. I did
not want to feel pushed, but it was the only way down. And so off we went,
okay, within minutes, I fall. Within minutes I fall. I’m laying there on
the side of the steep mountain, just mad, just mad. This is exactly what I
didn’t want. And in my mind I’m like, I’m going to get down to the bottom
and I’m going back to the house and I’m done. I’m not going to ski anymore.
This is stupid. So bugged, so bugged, and this was a pretty tall ski lift.
So there are several hills you have to go down. It’s not just one hill
down. There are several hills. You have to go down to get to the bottom. So
by the time we get down to the bottom, I had fallen multiple times and we
hadn’t even gotten to the bottom yet.

(05:22):

And there was this one trail that went off that was an easier trail that
finally had the ratings, the ski ratings, the lower level that I wanted.
And I just wanted a minute. I was frustrated, I was kind of embarrassed and
I just wanted a minute. And so I said, I’m going to go this way. You guys
go that way and I will meet you at the bottom. And so they went their way.
I went my way and here’s what happened. That was really interesting. I went
on this little hill that was very easy. And then I came to this spot where
I could continue going down this easy hill or I could go on a harder one and
get to the bottom faster. And I sat there for a minute. I literally sat
there, not sat. I was on my skis thinking about it going, which way do I
want to go?

(06:15):

And I decided that I wanted to go on the harder hill and I did and I didn’t
fall and I got to the bottom and actually had fun on that hill. And then
throughout the day we ended up going on multiple different new lifts, new
places, and I fell lots of times, but by the end of the day, I was a better
skier than I was when the day started. 100%. I was a better skier, more
confident, proud of myself, feeling good, showing off for my husband of some
of the new things that I learned that day. Now, why does this matter? Why
does this matter? It matters because you are in a place we all are where we
have moment to moment things that come up and we always get the choice of
how to respond. Many of you listening are in a position where your next
level requires of you to step into new ways of dealing with things, new
ways of responding to things than you ever have before.

(07:26):

You recognize that you see it, you see that your old way of responding or
getting mad or shutting down or whatever it may be, is not only keeping you
stuck, it’s actually setting you back. It’s moving you backwards. It’s
sabotaging the very growth that you want. You’re recognizing that
constantly focusing on their fair partner and thinking about them and what
were they thinking and being angry and all of that. You recognize that it’s
holding you back and you feel like there’s nothing you can do about it. That
it’s just beyond my skill. I just don’t know how. I don’t know how not to,
when in reality, the first thing that has to come is choosing not to go
there. I’m going to choose something different. For me, what I needed was
to be left alone for a minute so that I didn’t feel pressured so that I
could really decide how I wanted the day to go.

(08:24):

If I was going to go all in on learning some new skills or if I was going
to stick to what I felt was easier and just be okay with that. And
sometimes being alone in that place as I would send my husband off to ski
with the other kids that are better than me. Although to be fair, he did say
it’s like, I just want to be skiing with you. I don’t care what hills, but I
would’ve sent him off. I would’ve sent him off to go with the other kids.
And we do this to ourselves. We do this to ourselves where we feel like we
are powerless. I just don’t know how. I don’t know how to get down this
hill. I don’t know how to navigate this moment. That feels really, really
intense. I don’t know how to handle the intense conversation that I’m
having right now without spiraling or shutting down or saying something
mean or reacting in some way.

(09:16):

I don’t know how, so I’m just going to quit. I’m just going to go away and
I’m just going to say, this is too hard. It’s too long a process I give up
when in reality, when I look at this skiing thing, I know it’s very
different than what you’re dealing with, but there are common themes here.
What I needed, I needed to be alone. I needed a minute to ground myself so
I could choose what I wanted to do. I have learned about myself that I do
not like to feel pushed. I do not like to feel pushed. I do not like to feel
pressured, but I do like a challenge, but I like a challenge on my own terms
when I am saying yes to a challenge, not when somebody is forcing it on me.
Sometimes in relationships we have these things come up that are very
challenging, difficult conversations, difficult things that we need to ask,
difficult things we need to talk about, and we might be really upset that we
even have to talk about it.

(10:15):

We might not like that. We have to have this conversation in the first
place and so we can be resentful that we even have to have this discussion
and carry that resentment into the conversation. Much like I was at the top
of that hill, and if I’m being honest, there was a part of me that was
blaming my husband that it was somehow his fault because he had been there
before and I had not, and I thought he should know that. I made it very
clear, I do not want to go on this kind of hill. I want to go on this kind
of hill, and so I was kind of bugged with him, which isn’t fair. As I said,
he hadn’t been there for 30 years, but we do this and we think, well, if
they wouldn’t have done this, then I wouldn’t have to even be in this
position, so I’m just going to be pissed about it.

(10:58):

I’m just going to be mad that I’m in this position. The problem here is
that we are missing out on our ability to choose how we want to respond and
what we want the experience to be. There was nothing that was going to
change that. I was at that top of the mountain with one way down, right
There was one way down, and that first rundown, most of it I was just angry
and feeling embarrassed and frustrated that I wasn’t better than I wanted
to be. It didn’t feel good to fall multiple times and to have the ski
patrol person come along and help me get up, it didn’t feel good, and I
decided that I was going to enjoy the day and learn how to ski better
rather than going back to the easy hills that were not challenging me. I
decided this is a perfect opportunity for me to get better and I’m willing
to continue to fall.

(11:55):

It’s the same thing. And growing our ability to handle triggers. For
example, you only think you have no idea what to do. You only think you
have no idea how to handle intrusive thoughts. What you’re forgetting is
your own choice. What you’re forgetting is that you can always decide how
much power you want to give to something. It doesn’t mean it’s not going to
come up. It doesn’t mean that surprises don’t come up like that. There was
no easier path down from that point on the mountain. Sometimes the stuff
just comes up and we have no way to control it. It just is kind of there
and then it’s there. And then we have so much control. We have so much. The
only way, the only way that we can control it is to not engage at all and
just hold ourselves up and be alone.

(12:50):

The nature of relationships is that we’re putting our neck on the line to
get hurt, to be triggered, to have some experiences that we’d rather not
have. That is the name of the game, and it’s so worth it because when we
decide to engage, when we decide to show up and we go about our life and
feel triggered or have conversations that we feel are beyond our skill
level or have thoughts or memories that feel out of our control, this is
when we get to deepen our ability to ground into ourselves, to ground into
choice, to ground into truth. Who do I want to be in this moment? How much
power do I want to give to this thing outside of me? And how much power do
I want to take back? And even if you don’t have the skill yet I didn’t, I
did not have the skill, you can know I’m probably going to fall.

(13:51):

I’m probably going to get it wrong, but this is my choice to get better at
this. I’m going to choose rather than being mad at the trigger, rather than
saying, if he or she never would’ve done this in the first place, I would
not be dealing with this. While that may be true, while you maybe wouldn’t
be having those exact issues, the exact triggers, it is not going to help
you in that moment to get down that proverbial mountain. It’s not going to
help you. It’s going to keep you stuck. It’s going to keep you falling.
It’s going to keep you resisting. It’s going to keep you mad. Instead of
digging in and going, okay, I guess I need to learn a new way to get down
this mountain. Now I want to shift a little bit to talking about the power
of our little micro choices.

(14:43):

When I was going down that easy little hill that I totally had, that was no
problem, and I needed that minute to myself. I needed to get back to
myself, back to my own choice. That was part of my grounding, getting out
of fear. What I needed was a moment to breathe, to settle down and then
decide. And when we have these moments that feel really intense, there are
lots of little micro choices that we are making all along the way. For
example, do we let fear take over or do we breathe and steady ourselves? Do
we react from old wounds or do we choose a response that aligns with who we
want to be? These are choices. Am I going to react in the way I always have
or am I going to choose to do something different even if I don’t even know
how?

(15:37):

Not really. I know how in theory, I know what the books say. I know what
Andrew’s podcast says. I know what her coaching says, but really, I’m not
quite sure how to do it. Guess how you learn to do it by doing it, by
actually doing it right. For me, what I was needing to learn is how to go
down the steep mountains side to side, being able to slow myself down rather
than feeling like I need to go shooting down the mountain street. And so in
those moments, it’s okay. I need to choose to lean forward, lean back, lean
in, panic, breathe, stay stuck, adjust. Fall down, get back up. When we are
navigating the aftermath of infidelity, the sea is true. Our responses shape
the course of our healing. Our responses shape the course of our
relationships and of our future. And most of all, they shape the course of
your relationship with yourself.

(16:40):

Which version of you will you respect more? The one who continues to be
angry, that the triggers are there and resisting them and resisting
learning how to navigate them. Or the person who becomes the boss of their
triggers and is no longer run by them. Small choices matter often more than
big ones. Why? Because just like adjusting and skiing prevented me from
rolling down the mountain and getting really hurt. Your small choices and
emotional moments prevent further damage, damage to you, damage to those
around you more that needs to be healed from a deep breath before
responding to a hurtful comment can stop an unnecessary argument, A deep
breath before blurting something out, giving yourself a minute saying, I’m
feeling really intense emotions right now. I’m going to give myself a
minute and then I’ll circle back. Being able to do that again and again,
we’ll allow you to circle back with far more intention and you’ll get far
more of what you want.

(17:57):

Every moment that we ground ourselves instead of reacting impulsively, what
we’re doing is we are reinforcing resilience and self-trust, and this shift
determines whether we stay stuck in old patterns or create a healthier
future where we get to enjoy our life more. I’ll tell you what, because of
that day, I am going to enjoy every skiing trip I go on ever again more.
Why? Because I have more skill. I don’t have to be afraid. I don’t have to
be resigned to one small part of the mountain that’s for less experienced
skiers. Now I can go to lots of different mountains and handle lots of
different runs because I stuck with it that day and insisted within myself
that I get better. It’s the same thing with relationships. You growing in
this way broadens your horizon. It broadens your ability to have all
different kinds of relationships.

(19:02):

It broadens your ability to have a kind of future that even if you don’t
know exactly what it looks like, it’s going to be good because you know
that you can hold a lot. You know that you’re expansive. You know that you
can hold intensity. You know that you can hold conflict. You know that you
can hold standing up for more because you have proven it to yourself again
and again and again. You can handle more abundance. You can handle
responding out of desire rather than fear. My desire is to be able to ski
all over the mountain. My fear was to stick to the easy hills. The
difference is deciding and then learning the skill. It is the same for you
saying, I’m going in. I’m going in on this. I’m done with my own excuses.
I’m tired of my own excuses. I’m tired of thinking that my power to handle
this lies outside of me.

(20:02):

It’s all here. This thing may have been set in my lap, the infidelity, I
didn’t choose it, but I’m going to take full ownership of my own healing
and stop waiting for something to happen or waiting for it to get easier.
I’m going to learn how to get it easier because I’m tired of feeling so
narrow. I can’t breathe. I can’t walk down the street without being afraid.
I’m tired of it. So in closing, my challenge to you is to look at the
moments that come up where you feel powerless, where you feel like you have
no choice, and remind yourself of the choice that you have, the choice
that’s yours right now. You can choose always to dig in and try something
different. You can always dig in and try something different, some
different way of responding in the moment, you can always correct.

(20:57):

You can always pause and ground and give yourself a second to be deliberate
in how you respond. And if you respond in a way that you’re not proud of,
you can always go back and repair. You can always repair with yourself
first and go, that’s not who I want to be. I did not want to be the person
who was upset and afraid and not enjoying my time with my family because I
was annoyed. I didn’t want to be that person. And so when I met back up with
my husband and he asked me, what do you want to do? You know what I said? I
said, I think I want to do that run again. And we did, and I fell a couple
more times. But because I knew that I was choosing it, I didn’t have the
same emotional response as when I felt like it was inflicted upon me. When
you know that you’re choosing to step into the arena of sharpening your own
tools, of sharpening your own skills, of sharpening your own ability to
respond, there’s something so powerful in that. Even if you’re clunky at it
at first, you’re in the arena willing to try something new. You will
succeed just by not giving up. Alright? That’s what I have for you today.
My dear listeners. Thank you for being here, and I’ll see you next week.
Bye-bye.

(22:25):

Thank you for listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast. If you would
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