I’m Andrea Giles and you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast,
episode number 173, Transactional Versus Generous Giving.

Hello and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity podcast for courageous women
learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become the
boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves ever.
If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently living but
don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place. Stick around
to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks off. Is it
possible? It is, and I’m here to show you how I’m your host, Andrea Giles.
Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

(00:50):

Hello everybody. Thank you for being here today. Today we are going to talk
about different kinds of giving. I’m going to share with you why I decided
to just really go all in on this topic, shine a light on it for you. Before
I do that, I want to make sure you know that my group program is open that
we added in something this year. That’s pretty amazing. A question I get a
lot is, is it just a group or is there one-on-one as well? The answer is
now, yes, it is both, yes, yes it is both group and one-on-one. When you
join, you get the full year inside the group and you get two one-on-one
calls a month with one of my coaches. My coaches are incredible. Everybody
loves them, and I want you to know that you will have all of the support
that you need in this space.

(01:46):

Even if you are doing other things like couples work or individuals
somewhere else, there are always things that we can go deeper on. There are
always things that we can use all those sessions for. So if you want a full
year of the best support, the best, really dialing in, getting deep facing,
all of it, really coming through solid on the other side, really solid. Get
yourself in there, okay? You can apply in the link in the show notes, it’s
your application in, and we will look at yours and if it’s a great fit, we
want to welcome you in. Alright, today we’re going to talk about
transactional versus generous giving. To start out, I’m going to share a
faux pa. When my husband and I were dating, we had some rough patches. We
had sometimes where we just did not know what was going on, where he was
struggling with a lot of guilt about dating.

(02:46):

After losing a spouse to cancer, I was dealing with some of the insecurity
of wanting to know that I was being chosen from after what I had come
through. And I remember his birthday came and I remember feeling kind of
frustrated with how things were and not really going the way I thought they
would or the way that I thought they should go. And rather than just letting
myself sit back and do something for his birthday but not really have to
overkill, I did the opposite. And if I remember right, I believe it was his
40th birthday, so it was kind of a big birthday and I wrote out this whole
list of 40 things that I loved, and I texted them to him throughout the day
thinking, oh my gosh, this is so amazing. And I felt kind of yucky. I felt
not great.

(03:48):

I thought that he should just love it and look how amazing I am. And I
myself kind of felt yucky. Isn’t that interesting? There was something in
it that felt false to me, not that I didn’t think all of those things, but
it felt a little bit forced and it felt a little bit transactional, like I
was wanting to get something from him. I was wanting to get this validation
of, look how great at the time my girlfriend is, right? And in time I
understood more of what that was. It was more transactional than anything.
And since then, there’s so many times that I’ve done so many things for him,
purely out of love, just out of love because I love him and because I care
about him. And while we do hope sometimes for connection with the generosity
that we give connection, kindness, things like that, it wasn’t something I
had to have or something that I’ve had to have over the years.

(04:51):

Sometimes it is way more fulfilling for me than for anyone else, and that
is the kind of generosity that we’re going to talk about. Okay, so first of
all, let’s define what transactional giving is. Transactional giving
happens when we are giving to try to control or ensure some kind of
outcome. We’re trying to get something, we’re trying to get affection, we’re
trying to get commitment from the other person. Now that I’ve done this,
they’ve got to be in, right? We’re trying to get reassurance after
infidelity. It’s really easy to fall into this pattern as a way to try to
regain a sense of safety or control. If I just keep doing serving, if I
keep just showing up serving and maybe bringing her coffee or bringing her
whatever it is and cleaning up and this and that, then she’s got to take
me. She’s got to pick me.

(05:50):

She’s got to just jump all in with me, right? Sometimes it’s gifts. I’ve
seen this too many times to count gifts to prove love or loyalty, this
strong desire to renew vows or make these grand gestures, these big trips,
things like that when they’re not even out of the woods at all yet with
trust, and it just comes off as feeling a little bit insincere. Another way
to know if it’s a transactional type thing is expecting immediate gratitude
or a shift in behavior after making a gesture. So expecting immediate
gratitude or a shift in behavior after making a gesture like, well, look
what I did, so now you should soften to me; now you should want to be
intimate with me. What’s the problem here? I see no problem here. This can
have an intense emotional toll because it can backfire. So the person that
is thinking that they’re being so giving can then be resentful and think,
nothing I ever do is good enough.

(06:55):

I’m never going to get through here. Wow, she is tough. I’m using she in
this example. It can go either way, okay? Totally can go either way. It can
create more misunderstanding. It can cause further disconnection. What is
generous giving? Generous giving is different in that it comes from a true
place of love and authenticity. There are no strings attached. I want to do
this for you because I want to do it for you because I care about you
because it’s what feels right, because it’s what feels good, not because
I’m trying to bargain for something in return. I’m not trying to weasel
something out of you. It just is coming from this open place in my heart
because I genuinely care for you. And often it’s in this context of
infidelity. I feel genuine remorse and it’s the least I can do, and I don’t
expect a thing from you.

(07:53):

This can be generously listening without expecting validation, generously
listening, without expecting immediate reciprocity. It’s giving with no
expectation of what you might get back. You’re offering support and
affection because it’s who you want to be because it aligns with the person
you want to be. It’s because it’s the kind of person. There’s something in
you in this space, especially after infidelity, that has maybe shown you
the difference where you can see where maybe you were acting this way
before and you can feel what it feels like and you no longer want to be
that person. You want to be a person who gives with an open heart from a
generous heart. This is not as a test of their response. This kind of
giving can be felt. It’s not expected that it’s felt, but the other person
can feel the difference. And this is what fosters genuine connection and
mutual respect and healing.

(09:02):

This is the kind of energy we want here. This is the kind of energy we need
here to do the healing that needs to happen. Why does this matter so much
after infidelity? This is something that I see a lot. I see it a lot. I see
it in my couples a lot. Some of the things that I see are the person who
was unfaithful, the person who did the betraying, making their own list of
how they’re going to show up and calling it good enough for them, where
they’re like, well, look, I did this and this and this. Look, I did this
and this. What more do you want? When are you going to just get back to
this status quo place with me? Come on, come on, come on. And the problem
is that after infidelity in reality, not just one partner, but both
partners often struggle with feeling secure and understood both of them,
both of them are feeling shaky.

(10:07):

Both of them can be susceptible to this kind of giving actually as a way to
influence or control the healing process. So I want to give an example of
what I see from both partners. Sometimes, not always, sometimes. So
sometimes there’s the initial shock. And then sometimes the betrayed
partner is so invalidated by the whole thing that they are looking for
being chosen, being picked. Pick me, please stay with me. Don’t divorce me,
don’t leave me. And they can fall into this kind of transactional giving as
a way to kind of manipulate the situation their way. They can be very
generous, overly patient, overly understanding in an insincere way, in a
way that it’s fear driven. It’s in a way that masks over how they actually
feel to try to manipulate the outcome. If I show up in this way and just
suck it up and just chalk it up to a mistake and we’re just going to move
forward from it, then maybe we can keep our family, avoid all the pain of
our family breaking apart.

(11:33):

And so this is what I’m going to do. And if we see that it’s not working,
it can cause more and more panic, anger, resentment, rather than giving
space to each partner to really decide what they want, to really have space
to decide what they want. Both people involved, both people involved.
Obviously for the person who is betrayed this kind of energy, it can feel
very insincere, especially after often many, many, many lying behaviors for
a long time, many deceptive behaviors for a long time. They can go, how can
this person be so cruel and then be so loving and it can feel just very
insincere? And so this is where really tapping into how do I want to show up
for my partner who I have betrayed because it’s who I want to be because
it’s me moving from this position of being manipulative, of being deceitful
and moving into this place of kindness and generosity and respect for my
spouse.

(12:45):

This is who I want to be. Very different energy. And I’m telling you, the
person on the other end can feel it. They can feel it. I have clients that
will say, he’s doing this and this and this. He’s saying all the right
things. He’s doing all the right things. And sometimes my clients, the ones
that are saying that can’t feel it because they’ve kept their guard up so
high that they can’t receive some of those things, and this is where my
coaching comes in of going, is this a situation where you will not let them,
you will not receive anything that they give because you’re so afraid to,
right? We can understand that. Or is this a situation where there’s
something in you? There’s something wise in you that is saying, hold off.
And just allowing all of this, of just receiving it all, of just putting
your own walls down and letting him all back in and knowing the difference
is really, really important.

(13:48):

Sometimes they can feel that it’s the minimum effort sometimes. Sometimes
they can feel that it’s insincere. Sometimes they feel a kind of resentment
or a kind of scathing anger right under it, I’m going to cook you dinner.
And then if there were words right behind it, you better like it and you
better appreciate it because I haven’t done this much before and you should
appreciate it. Or what if she doesn’t appreciate it? Then might as well
just give up, right? The recipient can feel that. The recipient can feel
that. They know. They know. They can feel the insincerity in it. The
opportunity for growth here is in practicing generous giving and how it can
rebuild, trust and create a foundation for true intimacy. It can build
something bigger that allows so much more heart space, so much more giving
and receiving. Alright, now we’re going to move into the last section here,
which is about really understanding within yourself the difference, moving
into more of a generous way of giving and moving out of transactional
giving to try to get something back.

(15:10):

Okay? A question that you can ask yourself when you are doing something is,
am I doing this because it feels right or because I want something in
return? What is your answer to that? And if there’s something you want in
return, what is it and how are you anticipating you’ll feel if you get that
in return? And how are you anticipating feeling if you don’t? And are you
willing to do the thing just because you want to do it regardless of what
you’re going to get back, instead of jumping right into big grand gestures
so you can feel good about the things that you’re doing. Start with low
stakes gestures that you can offer freely. And something that is just a
truth is that trust is lost in one moment. When people find out about the
indiscretions, it’s lost in a moment and it takes a long time to rebuild.

(16:12):

Trust is not built in one grand moment. It is built in many, many small
moments. So what are small low stakes things that you can say yes to and
offer freely and say, I’m doing this because I want to. I’m doing this
because I’m trying to be better because I want to be the kind of person
that shows up for my spouse and this is something that I can do, that I can
commit to, that I can be consistent with. It can be planning a date night
where you put in the heavy lifting of what the plan is. It can be over
communicating. It can be this is when I’m going to be home and do you need
me to grab anything on the way home or just grabbing things, being
attentive to the home and what might be needed and grabbing it because you
are just paying attention.

(17:09):

It can be being at home and paying attention to the home and the things
that need to happen and becoming more in tune with that instead of just
expecting everything to happen around you. And then every once in a while,
hopping in to help. And I put that in air quotes because in my opinion,
working in the home is not help, it’s just taking care of the home. It can
be the things that we think of as gifts, like giving a gift, like a
clothing or an experience or jewelry, things like that. But you’re doing it
because you want to, not because you’re expecting something back. The next
piece is if you’re struggling with expectations, express them rather than
letting them fester. Sometimes we do want something back. This is our human
nature, and rather than grappling with it alone, part of becoming more
intimate, part of building the kind of relationship where you can both be
honest is talking about it.

(18:12):

I’m doing this and it can be part of me really wants this from you. Part of
me really wants to know that you’re not going to leave, that you’re not
going to kick me out, and the other part of me just wants to do this
because I want to do it, but I’m going to tell you I’m really scared. And
saying that is it can’t be so that they can push your fears aside by saying
just the right thing. It can just be an honest communication of where you’re
at and not letting things fester. Okay, another really important piece here
is that generous giving doesn’t mean and can’t mean giving endlessly to
your own demise, at your own expense, sacrificing your own needs. This is a
mistake I see a lot too, where sometimes the one who did the betrayed feels
kind of like the scum of the earth.

(19:13):

They have no rights, they have no human right to ask for anything, and I
just don’t agree with that. I just don’t. In fact, it’s perpetuating
unhealthy patterns. It’s perpetuating things that have to go, that have to
get better in order to create something more meaningful and lasting and
without resentment. Okay? So just because you’re giving doesn’t mean that
you give beyond what you can, beyond your own limits. You still have human
value inherently. You still have rights, you still have needs, and it’s
okay to have your own back to and to have limits around what you’re willing
to do and give. Pay attention to this. Pay attention. Is this sustainable?
Can I keep doing this for the long haul? This is something that feels
really good right now, but can I keep it up? That’s a really important
question because your spouse is going, is this actually a change or is this
something that’s going to stick for a month or two?

(20:21):

And then go back to the old ways. So asking yourself the question first of,
can I keep this up? Is really, really important. Okay. Alright. To wrap
this one up. Shifting out of this space of transactional to generous
living, excuse me. Giving and living. It’s not easy, especially when your
emotions are raw. When our emotions raw, we’re extra vulnerable, we feel
extra risk, we feel extra fearful that we want to know how this thing’s
going to go. So it becomes a pretty brave act, pretty courageous to just
give because you want to, but it’s one of the most profound ways to
actually truly create healing and connection after infidelity because it’s
coming from an energetic place that feels so different than fear and trying
to control an outcome. The other person, I promise you, I’ve worked with so
many people at this point, and they can feel it.

(21:26):

They can feel when it’s sincere and when it’s kind of manipulative to try
to get something in return, they can feel it generous. Giving just to give
allows the other person to relax. It allows them to let their guard down.
They know that there’s not something that they’re needing to be extracted
from. They can feel the difference. I encourage you to look at your own
patterns of giving and challenge yourself to practice an act of generous
giving this week just because it’s what you want to do and who you want to
be. I’ll add too that sometimes we give with the fear that the other person
is going to think that all is well. Now for my people who have been
betrayed, it’s okay for you to give to, and I want you to remember that you
can give from a generous place knowing that they might, who knows what they
think of it.

(22:27):

They might have expectations. They might think, oh, we’re good Now. It
doesn’t mean you’re good. It doesn’t mean that you’re out of the woods. It
means you wanted to be generous, you wanted to give, and that you’re still
being cautious and careful and it’s okay for you to do so, and it’s even
okay for you to communicate that you don’t have to withhold the parts of you
that are natural to give those of you who are natural givers, that this
comes easily. You don’t have to withhold those parts. You don’t have to
just do nothing but only give if it’s coming from a true, generous place in
you, not from any kind of fear or trying to get something back and pay
attention and know the difference within yourself. That is my challenge for
you. Alright, take care, and I will talk to you soon. Bye-bye.

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