I’m Andrea Giles and you’re listening to the Heal From Infidelity podcast,
episode number 168, The Free Fall of Commitment.

Hello and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity Podcast where courageous
women learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become
the boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves
ever. If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently living
but don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place. Stick
around to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks off. Is
it possible? It is. And I’m here to show you how. I’m your host, Andrea
Giles. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

Hello, everybody. Welcome back to another episode. I’m so glad to have you
here. Today we are going to be talking about commitment and how terrifying
it can be. Today I’ll tell you a little bit about why I decided to do this
episode and what you can do to help yourself as you navigate your own
commitment, as you navigate the things that you are straddling that you’re
having a hard time deciding on.

Before I dive into it, I want to remind you of a couple of things. One,
pricing for my group program, Get Your Life Back After Infidelity goes up
January 1st. So if you have been watching this program for a while, if you
have wanted to be in, if you think you want to or are interested in it, now
is the time to get your applications in and get in the door. Get in the
door. If you need help, if you have questions, reach out.
Hello@andreagiles.com we’re there to answer your questions.

The next thing I want to make sure you know is that January 9th I am
hosting a workshop. It’s going to be all morning. We will be going in depth
about the decision to stay or go. It’s a low cost workshop. You can find the
notes in my show. Notes. Hope to see you there.

All right, now let’s jump into today’s content about committing and how it
feels like a total free fall. Why did I decide to do this one? Why is
because I am so inspired by my own clients. They come to the calls with the
most vulnerability, openness, really wanting help, really ready to do
courageous things, to get out of pain, to really feel like they’re moving
forward in their life. And this week was no exception. And I gave coaching
to someone in my group about really, really struggling to go all in. To
really go all in. And I gave her some strong coaching on it. And I knew
that it’s something that we need to talk more about here, about why it’s so
hard, why it’s so hard to commit to things. Right. This is not just with
infidelity. It’s anything. Big decisions, small decisions, commitments can
feel very, very scary. Because when we are saying yes to one thing, we are
saying no to other things. When we are saying yes to a job, we are saying
no to the other jobs. When we are saying yes to a partner, we are saying no
to other partners. When we are saying yes to having another child or not
having another child or not having children at all, we are saying no to all
the other things that we are releasing. And many of us straddle for a very
long time before we make decisions. Because the fear and the free fall that
follows can be really overwhelming.

It can feel like a lot. Makes me think of somebody who says, in theory,
that they want to go skydiving, and they get ready to go. They’re up in the
plane, and then it’s go time, and they panic, and it’s like, no, I thought
that I wanted to. I want to go back. I want to go back. I want to go back,
right? Like, this is not fun. This is not fun. It really can feel like
jumping out of an airplane and hoping you don’t die. It really can. Okay.
This last week with this person that I was coaching, part of her
realization, part of her knowing and truth that came through in that
coaching was that, her holding on to uncertainty is prolonging her pain.
It’s prolonging her healing. It’s prolonging getting herself where she
wants to go. It was very, very clear to her by the end of our coaching. She
knew exactly what to do. And the same is true for you. There are things
that when you commit, when you go all in, it’s going to free up so much for
you. It’s going to free up so much, but it’s also going to feel like a free
fall. So on last week’s episode, I talked a bit about how one decision can
change everything. And I will touch on some of that today. You’ll hear
maybe some things that might sound a little repetitive, but this week’s
episode is more focusing on the reality that when we commit to something,
it can feel like a free fall. And I want to help you with that. I want to
help you.

Okay. Why? Why does it feel like a free fall? Let’s talk about the anatomy
of commitment. For one, when you are committing to something, there is A
feeling of a loss of control. If I say I’m going to go all in on my
marriage, I’m going to go all in leaving, I’m removing that as an option.
Guess what happens? We can feel some loss of control. Being able to
straddle that fence for as long as we can feels a little more in control. I
can leave at any time. I can leave at any time. Now, my clients hear me say
this. My clients hear me say, you can change your mind anytime you can. The
problem, though, is when we use that as a reason to not go all in. Okay?
The way that I use that, the context that I use that in, is when my clients
are going all in. They’re all in. And they know exactly why they can change
their mind. They know exactly what the things would be that would change
their mind. Like a client of mine who left my program, graduated from my
program, and she reached out to me, she sent me an email and just wanted to
let me know that because of the work that we had done together inside the
program, she knew what her bottom line was. She knew that if, certain
things happened, that she would leave. And one of those things happened and
she left. And it wasn’t what you think it might be. It was a time that was
really, really important. It was really crucial, where there was a big
thing that happened in her life, a loss of somebody that she really cared
about. And there was a complete absence of emotion, of empathy, of
connection, of trying to be there at all. And she knew that that was her
bottom line. Like, if he can’t be there for me at my lowest times, why am I
here? And she left and she emailed me to let me know she never would have
done that before if she hadn’t gone through my program.

Okay, this is the time where, knowing that you can change your mind at any
time is really, really important. But we’re not using it as a cop out.
We’re not using it as a way to avoid commitment. Going all in. Another
piece of commitment means leaving behind the safety of what you do know. I
know you listeners know what I’m talking about. Straddling defensive
uncertainty is incredibly uncomfortable. But there’s some safety in it.
There’s some safety in it. It’s like, I don’t have to do anything big. I
don’t have to push myself super hard, right? I can just kind of stay here.
I can still blame everything on him. The way that I act, the way that I
talk to him or her, depending on whoever’s listening here. I can still be
pissed, I can still go on rages and get away with it because this person
really, really did hurt me. So I’m totally justified in this behavior. And
when we commit to something, it requires that we change our behavior. It
requires that we do things that show that we’re committed, right?

It would be like if I were trying to do my business, my coaching business,
not quite sure if it’s actually what I want to do. How do you think that
would work for me if I was like, I think I’ll give a few hours a day, a
couple times a week and just see how it goes. You can bet that it wouldn’t
do very well, right? My mentality since day one was, I’m going all in and I
will succeed. And there are a lot of people who did not understand they’re
like, coaching what, Even like some family members that were like, what,
What’s Andrea doing? Do you think she’ll actually make it? And, in my head
I was like, watch me, watch me, right? And in my second year, my second
year, I made six figures as a coach. Year two, because I was so all in.
There was no other backup plan. It’s that same kind of grit and
determination and like, this is the plan. This is what is going to work.
This is what we’re doing. That gets you extraordinary results. Not
straddling the fence, okay? When you are stepping off that fence, you are
facing vulnerability, you are facing uncertainty. And with that, you’re
going to have some emotional responses which are fear, self-doubt, and then
guess what else? Exhilaration and empowerment. Isn’t that amazing?
Exhilaration and empowerment. Like, this is a new playing ground here. This
is new. This is new. This is like, I’m not familiar with this territory of
knowing that I am choosing exactly what I’m choosing because my eyes are
open. I’ve looked at all, my options. This is what I want. I’m going all
in. Okay?

For a lot of you who have been left or who are deciding to leave, this is
every bit is applicable to you. Because when we’re leaving, we can still
hold on forever and ever to why we were wronged, why we are screwed over,
why we are treated badly. And while those things may be true, and while we
may have ample evidence for it, holding onto that story will never get you
the life you want. It never will. There has to come a time where we commit
to something new, where we commit to, I’m going to heal, I am going to
learn how to release this. I’m going to learn how to make room for pain and
joy in the same space. I don’t know how, but I’m going to do it. Watch me.
Right? Part of the paradox of a free fall is that letting go often leads to
finding a deeper sense of grounding. Isn’t that fascinating? When we
release the need to know how something is going to go or exactly how it’s
going to go. Oh, my goodness. There’s such a deep sense of grounding and
strength and, like, I don’t know how, but I’m going to figure it out. I’ll
just figure it out. Like, I know that I will.

That’s the paradox of this, that that feeling of free fall also turns into
grounding. Intense grounding, Intense, really knowing yourself, growing
your self-knowledge of who you are, what you’re made of. Okay, now let’s go
into why we avoid commitment. We do not like failure. We do not like
rejection. We do not want to lose our independence, and we do not want to
lose our identity. All right, where do these come up around infidelity?
First of all, there’s a fear that if I go all in, he’s going to do it again
or he’ll ultimately leave. Right. Sometimes my clients are afraid, and I
have so much compassion for this. If this is you, I’m wrapping my arms
around you. I have so much compassion for this. Okay. Sometimes my clients
are in a space where the hurt is real, the hurt is raw, it’s intense.
Right. And they want to go all in, but they’re afraid that going all in
means they can’t ever share hurt again, that they have to kind of tuck it
away, that they have to, like, turn over a new leaf. And now we’re happy
and we’re good and we’re moving forward so I can never bring it up again.
And if I do bring it up again, how much can he take before he rejects me?
What a scary space to live. Right? And while that fear can feel really
real, part of the going all in on something, part of committing to
something is actually acknowledging, yeah, that could happen. That could
happen. And the only way I can commit here honestly, is knowing that
sometimes feelings are going to come up and I am allowed to express them.

And for those of you who are on the fence of making these decisions of
staying or going, you need to know if this is somebody that you can express
things with. Right? That’s part of making that decision is knowing is this
person remorseful, is this person safe? All of that. Right. An area that
can become a very common place to turn back, to look back is if you have
decided to leave, and if you’re constantly wondering if you made the right
decision. I remember back when I made this decision, and it always makes me
think this time of year, my divorce finalized December 12, 11 years ago. And
I remember. I remember going to the courtroom that day, and he didn’t show
up. And I remember the judge banging that gavel. And I was divorced. Just
like that, I was divorced. And I went out to the car and cried and cried
and cried. I couldn’t believe that this was my life. I couldn’t believe it
was real. And yet I knew that it needed to happen. And I remember at times
looking back and wondering, like, if I did this and this and this, would it
be different? What if I did this and this and this? And then, especially
after he died, I remember really questioning and wondering, and it was just
a lot. And I’m so glad that I have the tools that I have now where I can
know what slows me down and what propels my growth and definitely what
propels me. Growth is going for it. What propels my growth is saying, yes,
like, I’m all in. I’m going. And this expression, burn the boats, comes
from a, Spanish conquistador, Hernan Cortez, who ordered his men to burn
their ships in 1519 after landing in Mexico. And basically, Cortez wanted
to motivate his men to succeed in the new land and eliminate the option of
a hasty retreat. So his men were left with no choice but to fight or die,
which motivated them, to the success of his mission. So you’ve probably
heard the expression, burn the boats or burn the ships, it’s either way.
But the point is that when we leave no other option, we have to dig deep.
We have to find solutions. We have to figure it out, right? And when we are
straddling, when we keep looking back and looking back, we aren’t figuring
out. We are not getting scrappy. We are not digging deep. We are looking for
all the justification of why we are straddling. And there’s all kinds of
justification there. We can find all kinds of validation. We can find all
the things we want.

But at some point, if we really want the result of peace, of healing, of
truly letting infidelity be one part of our life that was a part of our
life that is not the sum of your life. It is a part of your life. It is
part of a chapter in your life. When we decide that we are Going to let it
be a chapter and not the whole book. We got to commit to that. Okay? And
that means getting scrappy and figuring it out. So I’ll take you to another
example, which is my current marriage. When we got married and stepped in,
there was a time where it was just really, really challenging. You guys
have heard me talk about this before. There have been a couple times that
have been really challenging. And both of those times, it’s like, I either
am going to leave or I got to figure this out. And both times, I decided
I’m staying. Like, there’s so much good here. I love this man so much. We
have so much good going for us. There are so many things here that are so
good. So I guess we get scrappy and figure it out, don’t we? And that’s
what we’ve done. It’s really remarkable. It’s really remarkable to see my
own growth in going. I don’t know how, but I know that I’ll figure it out.
And that has kind of become a mantra that I live by in my business, in my
family, with my children, with my marriage. All the things that come up is,
I don’t know how this is going to go. I don’t know exactly the solution or
what it’s going to look like, but I know that I’m all in and I will figure
it out. Okay?

Staying on that edge is slowing down your own progress of figuring it out,
how to make things work. Part of the biggest dilemma that I see my clients
face, especially those who are trying to stay, who want to stay, is they
don’t understand how they can live with the choice that their spouse made
and be happy with them ever again. And they feel like they’re in this
impossible situation where they know that they love their spouse, they know
that there’s a lot of good things there, but it feels impossible because of
the mistakes that their spouse made. Like, how can I ever live with this?
How can I ever be okay with this? And what I’m saying to you, and please
hear me, is when you get to the place where you have made a decision, there
is a way. There is a way. There’s a way to have everything coexist where
you cannot like the choices that your spouse made and be delightfully happy
in your marriage. How can that be? I know, right? But I promise you, that
is available to you, that you can hold in one hand. This is the thing my
spouse did that really hurt me to my core. And I’m so glad that I stayed on
the flip side, my husband hurt me to the core. And I’m so glad I left
because this was my path of self-discovery, was letting go of this thing
that was never going to be what I wanted it to be. And then on the other
side of being out of it, learning to let go of all the pain of it, to be
free, to move forward into new relationships, to be free, not bringing them
with you.

And I will say to those of you listening who are dating, who are starting
fresh, a lot of the things that need to be seen to be healed happen in your
new relationship. I’m really sorry to say that, but it’s true. It’s often
in your new relationships that the wounds are exposed that need work. Now,
okay, you can get really, really far on your own. But there’s some things
that will appear after you’re dating, after you’re in a relationship. Now,
one more thing. You are not going to figure out all the how, how does it
work? How, how, how, what’s it going to look like? What if this, what if
that? You’re not going to figure that out from the sidelines. You won’t. It
will not happen. We can have a great plan. We can think it should look a
certain way and wait until we have all the strategy and everything in place
before we make a move. I’m telling you, it never quite goes the way we
think it will. And even if we tried, we can’t possibly know. We can’t
possibly know all the ways that it’s going to come together. We just can’t.
We can’t.

And like I talked about on, my last episode, sitting around Thanksgiving
looking at my family and going, man, I had no idea, like, no idea, no idea
what my family would look like. These people, my kids, my bonus kids that I
adore, like, I really adore them. I adore my grandkids that I wouldn’t even
know, I wouldn’t even know them if I hadn’t married their grandpa, right?
My little Finley, my little three year old. I would not have her, I would
not even have her if I didn’t take that leap to marry my husband eight
years ago. There’s so much that we cannot predict. We can’t predict, we
can’t know. And that’s part of the magic of it. That’s part of the free
fall. Like, oh, I hope something catches me and I hope I don’t die. But I
have enough faith in what’s coming that I’m going to release my hold and
step into it. It is in the letting go that we move forward. It’s in the
release. It’s in the letting go. It’s in the letting go of needing to know
the outcome. It’s in the letting go of trying to protect ourselves from
future pain. We might get hurt again. We likely will in different ways,
hopefully not with infidelity. And one thing that I believe is that the
stronger we get, the more infidelity proof we become. Why? Because we’re so
much wiser at, spotting things and speaking up when something feels off in
really articulating the kind of standards we want for our relationships, it
becomes much less likely.

When we live with our eyes wide open, when we are not willing to mute
ourselves or sweep things under the rug, when we’re not willing to hide,
when we’re not willing to pretend, it becomes much less likely. All right,
my friends, I know that it’s scary to commit. I know that it’s scary. I
want you to start with something. What’s something you can commit to?
What’s something you can do that is a, non-negotiable? What this is going
to do is it’s going to start to increase your self-trust that you show up
for yourself, that you show up for you no matter what. For me, lately this
has been weightlifting. I started weightlifting a couple months ago. It has
been years. And you know what? It’s a little annoying because the scale is
not budging really, but my body’s getting stronger. Can I just say to all
of you listening out there, the whole like menopause and perimenopause and
all of that thing is real. Oh my goodness. I used to be able to just try a
little bit and drop weight. And this has been, I’ve been trying really hard
and it’s much more slow going anyway, but I just show up. I did a workout
right before I got on this recording because I know as soon as I get off
this podcast, it’s go time with kids, running kids around, you know, mom
time. So I got my workout in before I recorded this. I know every week I
will show up for my podcast. I have never missed a week. Never. I used to
do every other week, never miss that. Now I’m back to once a week. I have
never missed. There’s some things that you are doing and that you can do
better, non-negotiable. And when you commit to them, yep, you are saying no
to other things. Me showing up for this podcast every week means that I’m
not showing up in emails as much or That’s a client that I’m not coaching
or a kid that I’m not being with. Why do I do it? Because the benefits of
doing it outweigh not doing it. Because there’s something that I want more
than what else I might do in this time. Right. It matters to me.

What can you commit to? What’s something small you can commit to? What are
things that you already have committed to that you know you are capable of,
that you have already proven to yourself? And how can you take that same
level of commitment? Like I guess we’re going in, I guess we’re doing this
into really allowing yourself to move forward, really leading yourself
forward. Okay. All right. I invite you to find an area to commit to. You
could journal about what you’re afraid of letting go of when you commit.
Like, what am I afraid I’m going to lose? What am I afraid could happen?
Get really onto yourself. The more you get tapped into what it is that you
want based on your desires, your values, what matters to you, the easier it
will become to commit. Because you’ll know that that thing that you want is
non-negotiable. You’ll do whatever it takes to have it. And part of that is
you’re willing to feel really uncomfortable. You’re willing to let go so
that you can have that freedom on the other side. It is freedom. It’s
freedom when we know we can count on ourselves, when we know that we can
handle anything, when we know that we can depend on us. It is freedom. It’s
freedom. I want that for all of you again. If you m want more help with
this, if you want more coaching, if you want more help, please go sign up
for that workshop that’s coming up or join my program before the price rate
goes up. I’ve kept it the same price for quite some time now. It’s time
we’re adding some more juicy things to it. It’s always getting better. You
can join now and take advantage of those things. And I can’t wait to see
you inside, get your applications in. All right, take care my friends.
We’ll see you next time. All right, bye bye.

Thank you for listening to the Heal From Infidelity podcast. If you would
like to be kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast
episodes and other ways of working with me, go subscribe to my weekly email.
You can subscribe at. Ah, Andrea giles.com lies-about-infidelity Again, it’s
andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/ I will see you next time.