I’m Andrea Giles and you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast,
episode number 163, Technology and Infidelity.

Hello and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity podcast where courageous
women learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become
the boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves
ever. If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently
living but don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place.
Stick around to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks
off. Is it possible? It is, and I’m here to show you how. I’m your host,
Andrea Giles. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

Hello everybody. Welcome back. Welcome back to another episode. Today’s
episode is going to be an interesting one, but before we dive in, I would
like to invite you, if you have not yet watched my free webinar, How to Get
Your Life Back After Infidelity Whether You Stay or Go, I invite you to go
watch it. Many of you have been listening to me for a while, but maybe have
not actually spent time with me in video form or in that kind of space. And
in this webinar that I teach, it’s a free class, I go over some things that
go into more depth of some of the topics we cover here and share different
things to be thinking about, focusing on in a video form so you can get to
know me in that way as well.

And then at the end of that, I answer many, many questions about what it
looks like to work with me. A lot of the questions that a lot of you have
are answered right there at the end of that. So if you have not yet watched
it, I invite you to do so. Just go to the show notes for this. You can
also, if you’re not following me on Instagram, you can follow me
@theinfidelitycoach and in my bio there, there’s a link where you can go
straight to that class as well and watch it for free. So, all right, that’s
all for that.

Let’s dive into today. We’re going to talk about technology. We live in a
time that is just unchartered, a time where we have everything right at our
fingertips, so much at our fingertips. It’s a little scary. And for many of
you listening, technology was very much involved in what happened with your
spouse and the other person. And I’m not talking just old school the way
that it used to be, where hidden phone calls, things like that. But as you
well know now, there are so many things, so many ways to hide, so many ways
to be in contact.

And I want to just say my intention here is to empower, to help you to know
things to think about, to help instigate conversations with your partner or
in future relationships of things to talk about. I hope that this episode
is not triggering to people, that you’re not going, “Oh my gosh, I didn’t
even think about that.” Okay, this is meant to empower, to shine a light on
some things to then go take action on.

All right, so first, let’s talk about the role of technology in modern
infidelity, infidelity that’s happening now. Technology has very much
shifted the landscape of relationships and infidelity. We have constant
social media. We can be anonymous, no one ever has to know who we are in
places like Reddit or other sites where you can put whatever name you want.
We can have apps that we hide, hidden apps, there are apps that actively
hide other apps. Our teenagers know this stuff that they can hide apps.
There are, of course, ways to text privately through secret apps. There are
other kinds of Facebook groups and Instagram type things that people can
reach each other through and then have it hidden. There are lots of ways
that if somebody wants to hide something, they can hide something.

Now, after the fact, after the betrayal, why does this matter? Because for
many of you, you probably have realized that there are many, many things
that you never discussed before the infidelity, that there were no
boundaries set, that there were no guidelines set, that it was just a,
We’re just going to be faithful, done. And after the betrayal, it is very,
very important for both of you to have clear boundaries that are set, that
are communicated, that are agreed to for your own safety and for your own
piece, to know that you know what the boundary is, you know you’ve
communicated it, you know what was agreed to. And what this does for you is
that if there is a breach of that, it makes it very clear.

How many of you have had an experience where somebody, let’s say, a child
broke a rule and the kid’s like, “Well, you never told me, mom. Well, you
never said,” or a co-worker, employee, whatever? And you go back in your
memory and go, “Well, gosh, I don’t know if we actually did talk about
that. I don’t know if I made it as clear as that. I’m not really sure.” And
just like that, you can question yourself and you can wonder, did I
communicate that and have an issue.

The clearer you are, the more very specific you are in what you’re okay
with and what you’re not okay with and then communicating that and then
making a request. This is the boundary that I am setting. This is what I am
comfortable with, what I’m not comfortable with. Can you agree to that and
putting it out there?

I know that many of you struggle with this because you’re afraid to rock
the boat. You’re afraid to really push too hard. And what I’m saying here,
please listen to me, is that we’re fighting. We’re standing up for your
safety, your protection, your peace of mind, and the stronger you’ll get in
this, the faster you’re going to heal and the faster trust is going to be
rebuilt if you are choosing to stay. Why? Because if there are very clear
things that you agree to and agree not to do, et cetera and if you see that
those things are honored, if you talk openly and freely about them, you get
to learn that this person is doing everything they said they’re going to do
and that they’re not willing, at all, to even touch the line, that they’re
not willing to even come close to the line of breaking that agreement.

Now let’s talk about the digital world for a minute. All right. Again, too
much ambiguity here, too much gray area on should we have social media,
should we not? And can we private message and should we not? There’s too
many things that can be gray that need to be very clear and black and
white. And the lack of this can lead to miscommunication, problems in the
relationship, ongoing pain and ongoing distrust. Now, there are behaviors
that both parties can engage in that can strengthen the relationship and
the individual or weaken the individual or the relationship.

First, I want to talk to those who have been betrayed. In the online space,
it is way too easy to go find people. I want to give a word of caution here
for those of you who might be sleuthing for the affair partner, looking her
up, see what she’s up to, see what she’s saying, see what she’s doing, see
if she looks really happy, see if she’s divorced, whatever it is. And I do
not see any upside to this. I see it as creating more pain for yourself
over and over again because it takes your brain down this path of I wonder
this and I wonder that and brings up all of that emotion. That is not
useful in healing and moving forward.

What I recommend is really having strong boundaries in your space and
blocking people, blocking things that take you back to that space. This
person does not get to come in my space in any way. I do not want to see
posts where other people mention this person. I do not want to see posts
where this person is posting and I might justify it and say, “Oh, it’s for
my own safety. I want to keep up on what they’re up to so I can know.” No,
call on your bluff. It’s not useful, it’s not helpful, and I do recommend a
clean break.

Another thing that happens a lot that I see is checking up on spouse’s
social media, on your partner, on your spouse. This also can very much
impact your mental health. It can feed into anxiety, it can feed into
suspicion rather than helping with healing. I know you listeners know this,
it’s so easy to have one little thing that reminds you of another thing that
reminds you of another thing, and just like that you are full on triggered
and upset when there actually is no new information, nothing new has
happened, you have just allowed your mind to go down this path.

The more you can steer clear of some of these behaviors, the better you are
cultivating a space in your mind to heal. So let’s talk about what this
looks like. Part of setting up boundaries, digital boundaries are the
difference between boundaries and surveillance. You listeners, you’re
smart, and I want you to think about what that means to you. The difference
between boundaries and surveillance. Surveillance, what I think of as
policing, monitoring, checking up. Boundaries, to me, look more like clear,
I’m not comfortable with you being on this app, no hiding apps, no talking
with people in private chats of the opposite sex, or for some of you, same
sex, depending on your situation, we can just avoid private messages
period.

And this looks like, please avoid using these apps, please do not use these
apps, rather than demanding access to every message. I need to see every
message you’re sending out. Can you hear the difference in that? One is
very fear-based, I need to see it all so I can make sure you’re behaving.
And the other is very confident and assured, and no matter what happens,
I’ve got me, but this is my line. I do not want you on these apps. I do not
want you engaging in private conversations in messages and having your
reasons that you feel good about. A boundary example would be no messaging
past partners period, no matter what, even if it was before you were
together. We just don’t do that. We don’t message past partners. No having
new friendships with the opposite gender or same gender depending on your
situation.

Another example is back to social media and commenting on posts and who you
stay friends with. It’s one thing to have an ex from when you were in high
school that you’re friends with, something like that, but the affair
partner, it’s okay to set a boundary that they are blocked, that there is
no communication whatsoever, that there’s no checking up on them, that they
are blocked. And this is something that I think is really, really important
for both people to heal.

All right, let’s talk about enforcing digital behaviors and boundaries. One
thing to think about is encouraging both of you to have open conversations
about your social media habits and apps, especially those that are used by
both of you. What’s okay? What’s not okay? What is your partner comfortable
with and not comfortable with, and why? Discuss shared technology, like a
joint calendar, things like that that you can both come together and use
technology for to create more connection instead of separation. This way,
there’s transparency about your activities without invading privacy.

Privacy still matters here. It does. Privacy still matters for both
partners. Now, you may question that because there was a breach of trust
and you might think that that person lost their privacy, their ability to
have privacy. And what I would say to that is that we do still have human
rights. We do still have rights and privacy is one of them, but there are
ways that we can communicate in a respectful way that are transparent.
Privacy and secrecy are two different things. We have no room for secrecy
here. That’s the thing that we are scratching out. We do things out in the
open. Privacy, though, is when we become that sleuth and go checking and
searching. That’s a different energy. It is fear-based.

Another boundary and expectation is regular check-ins versus intrusive
monitoring. So this looks like suggesting to your partner a routine, like
weekly check-ins where you’re just talking about re-establishing these
boundaries. You’re recommitting, you’re talking about them, you are getting
clarity, you’re talking about times that it was maybe difficult or things
that maybe you want to change. And this is very different than intrusive
monitoring, again, because excessive monitoring, intrusive monitoring is
allowing fear to lead out and try to micromanage each other’s online
activities. The goal here is to rebuild trust, not to control one another.
A marriage where you feel like you have to sleuth, where you have to check
up on them is not a marriage you ever want to be in. You don’t want that
marriage. You have to remember that when you feel the need to do that.

All right, so boundaries for your own mental health as a refresher. Avoid
spy behaviors. Avoid trying to spy on your partner’s digital activity. It
often leads to more harm, it leads to anxiety and worry and fear and it can
keep you very, very stuck in a cycle of doubt and distrust, and this is
what we are trying to get out of here. Also, I want to make a case for
digital detox. Many of you, especially early on, there are many things
online that can be triggering. There can be Instagram accounts, Facebook
accounts, people that you see that have nothing to do with the situation,
but that can still be triggering for various reasons. Maybe you know that
somebody in your feed knows this other woman and that alone is enough. I
want you to take seriously this idea of a digital detox. I encourage you to
take breaks from technology, whether through limiting your social media
time or designating phone free hours where you put your phone away. I also
encourage you when you’re going through your feed to really clean up shop.
You do not have to stay friends with people.

There’s a wonderful feature now where you can mute people without
unfollowing them. So if you’re worried about hurting a friend or somebody
by unfollowing, you don’t have to unfollow them anymore. You can silence
their account so you don’t have to see their posts. Right now, we are doing
everything we can to protect your mental health. I want you to imagine that
you have a fence around your own body, around your own energy, around your
brain, and you get to be the guard of what comes in and what’s out. And we
want to do everything we can to protect it, protect that energy. So what
this means is that I want you to, as you are scrolling, as you are spending
time in digital spaces to look at how you feel with different accounts. And
if you need to take a break, take a break.

I know I have done this, I’ve done this. I know if there’s times where if
I’m struggling with something specific and there’s an account or a person
that just pokes that bear, pokes that thing that I’m struggling with,
whatever it may be, that just pokes at it, it’s not weakness to silence it.
You don’t have to talk yourself into I should be stronger. I should just be
able to handle this. And what am I making it mean about me? There is a
space for that, but right now, when you are healing, when you have
awareness that you are a little raw, a little touchy, please be kind and
set boundaries and mute people. Again, that’s something that I have done.
That’s something I’ve done to just protect my own space. There’s no
judgment. There’s no right or wrong here. Protect your space. Cultivate a
space for yourself that is empowering, that is healing, that lifts you up,
that helps remind you who you are, how strong you are, how capable you are.
Growth-oriented type things rather than things that are going to bring up
all the yuck and hurt for you.

I have a hard time with a lot of accounts out there about betrayal, trauma,
infidelity, things like that because so many of them are far more focused
on the pain than on the healing. And something that I care very much about
in my space is focusing on the healing. We all know about the pain, we know
it’s real, we know it’s intense. But I’m far more interested in helping you
heal than on regurgitating again and again how painful it is. I want to
help you heal. And I want you to put yourself in spaces, accounts, online
spaces, groups, friends, all of that that are going to be empowering to you
rather than reminding you of how hard it all is.

All right. Another important piece, after infidelity, emotions run high and
enforcing boundaries online can be tricky. It might be new, it might be
something that’s trial and error. I’m encouraging you to be compassionate
toward yourself and your partner as you are working to rebuild trust. I’m
going to give you an example of what this can look like. Let’s say that
your spouse has a Zoom meeting with their team and let’s say that their
affair partner, they don’t have to see each other physically anymore.
They’re able to change that, but that every once in a while they have to
get on a Zoom call with that person that she’s part of this team, even if
it’s five states away. A problem that can happen is when the person who had
the affair does not disclose this, and when the person who was betrayed
finds out after the fact.

And in reality, stuff like this does happen sometimes, depending on the
affair situation. Sometimes it is not possible to have zero contact ever or
zero interaction, at least not immediately. Sometimes it’s something that
works itself out over time, where you maybe switch jobs or that person
quits or things like that. But sometimes, especially at first, there are
situations where they might be in the same space virtually, maybe even in
person. But for this episode, I’m talking about virtually.

Part of the boundaries here are sometimes when these things happen and the
person who was betrayed asks about it, “You had a meeting, was she on it?”
And they say, “Yes, she was.””Why didn’t you tell me? That’s one of the
rules. That’s one of the boundaries. Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you
tell me?” And can take that as a breach of trust, you didn’t want to tell
me, you’re hiding things. When in reality your partner is just as surprised
as you, or they knew that for them it was nothing and they actually are
disgusted at the sight of this person and they’re disgusted with themselves
when they remember what happened. There is no draw, there is no appeal,
there is no wanting to be with this person, but they’re so afraid to tell
you because they know that it will be upsetting to you.

Sometimes it’s after the fact when things like this happen that these
discussions need to be had of going forward to build trust, I need you to
tell me immediately, even if it’s hard, even if you know it is upsetting to
me. It might be upsetting to me and that’s part of the deal. I do not want
protection from that. I want to know when you interact with her, I want to
know when you see her. And these are common things that come up after the
fact that are boundaries that need to be established that we don’t know
until after they’re broken, until after something happens that’s
uncomfortable. A little bit of compassion, a little bit of understanding
that you’re probably not going to get it perfect right out the gate because
this stuff is new will go a long way.

Also, for those of you who know that you’re leaving, I still want you to
take stock. I want you to pay attention to this episode and think about in
new relationships in the dating scene. Getting really clear about what you
agree to and what you don’t will be really, really important in you
safeguarding yourself as you get into relationships. There’s so many things
that we take for granted in relationships that we just assume that others
think the same way until we find out that they don’t. The more you can
discuss these things beforehand in a really open way, the better off you’re
both going to be. The better off you will be. You feel safer.

Again, it’s the wild, wild west out there. It’s not going away. There are
more and more things that are available, more and more ways that people can
communicate. And you still have power. You still have so much control in
this space just by taking ownership of your own boundaries and speaking to
them. Don’t hide behind them, don’t tiptoe. Be very clear, this is what I’m
okay with, this is what I’m not okay with, this is what I will do if dot
dot dot. This is a choice that can offer you peace, dignity, and
independence as you are healing and as you are rebuilding or starting new.
It’s for all of you.

All right, my dear listeners, thank you for being here today. I encourage
you, if you have not left me a review to please leave me a review and you
can do that anywhere that you listen, iTunes, Spotify, and you can do it
anonymously in Apple. I know that in Apple Podcasts, you can do it
anonymously. You can change the name in there so nobody knows who you are.
All right, take care. Thank you so much. I’ll see you next week. Bye-bye.

Thank you for listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast. If you would
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