Hello and welcome to the Heal From Infidelity podcast, where courageous women learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become the boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves ever. If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently living but don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place. Stick around to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks off. Is it possible? It is, and I’m here to show you how. I’m, um, your host, Andrea Giles. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

Hey, everybody. I’m really looking forward to diving into today’s content. I. I think it will be really helpful. I think it’ll give you some things to, to think about as you are navigating life post infidelity. Okay, so I’m going to go ahead and jump into the content from this week.

So something that I have been talking a lot about in my program and that, uh, I’m going to be incorporating into a, in a more substantial way moving forward is a simple concept that you are probably familiar with, but maybe not in the way that I teach it here. Okay. The concept is sustainability. You’ve all heard the term sustainability, right? What does it mean most of the time? What it means when we think about something being sustainable is that it means that the way that we’re living now, the way that we’re doing things now, can allow future generations the same freedoms that we do. So when I generally think about sustainable, I think about packaging. I think about, you know, what things are shipped in, stored in, how things are made, recycling, things like that. Okay, That’s, I think, where most of our brains go when we think about something being sustainable. But today I want to talk about sustainability in regards to relationships. Let me give some examples of what I mean. Okay, first, an example that has nothing to do with infidelity.

Okay, let’s talk about changing diets. Okay. So many of the times when we’re changing a diet, we white knuckle it. We’re like, yeah, I could totally do this for whatever, you know, a month, 90 days, I could do it, right? 30 days. Like that whole 30 diet, right? I can change my diet. I can change my workout and do. What’s that one? Hard something? Seventy. I don’t know. Anyway, clearly I haven’t done that one. But we can do that. Like we can short term do anything, right? But the question is, is it sustainable? Is it something that I can do for the long term? Okay. I, in my years of my life have tried random different things at different times that are like the hype of the day or something that will be like a detox or what. And right now, at 45, I am actually doing something that I’ve never done before. I’m working with a nutritionist who is amazing, like, so amazing at. She covers it all, like hormone testing, really checking everything, very thorough, understanding your body, um, what’s going on for you? And I’m following, um, a diet that works really well for my, my body.

It’s very specific to me so that it’s sustainable. So it’s something that I can do long term to heal some of the issues that I have of just getting older and having had a baby older and nothing massive, but just some, some changes I need to make. And I want to be a healthier weight for my body, things like that. And I’m doing it in a way that is sustainable. And I love it. Like, I love that I know that. That I know that, like, what I’m doing is, are things that I can continue on and enjoy. Right. It’s sustainable. I’m not white knuckling it. Right. Okay. How does this relate to infidelity? So sometimes my clients will tell me they don’t bring up certain issues about the infidelity with their spouses after the first few months or so, there’s the initial discovery, lots of discussion there. But then when the dust starts to settle, they often feel afraid to bring things up. Okay. Sometimes they fear the spouse’s response. They, the spouse might say things like, I thought we were past this. Are you ever actually going to get over this almost this impatient thing? Why are we going back here? Why do we need to keep bringing this up? Um, I already said that. I. We already discussed that. Right. So they might be afraid of that kind of a response. They might be afraid of retriggering themselves. Right. By bringing things up. They might be afraid of going backwards in the relationship. Like, oh, my gosh, look, we’ve made all this progress and, and we’re backtracking. So what do they do? They stuff their feelings, sometimes by food, sometimes by drink or other distractions.

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Okay? They. They stuff it down sometimes they tell other people, um, what they’re feeling, how they’re doing, things like that. But not their spouses. Right. They might tell their friend. It may feel like a relief to have someone else listen. It probably is, but it won’t actually accomplish what you want it to. Okay. It won’t actually accomplish that. So it Might bring some relief in the moment, but not long term. Okay. It’s not going to create long term relief. Another example I see in my clients is the way they try to feel better. Okay. Sometimes they try to white knuckle their own healing. They power through. They try to distract, distract, distract. Like whatever they can do to just not think about it. I just don’t want to think about it. I’m fine. They’ll put up a wall a mile high so they don’t, uh, actually have to feel. Or they’ll swing the opposite way and wear every emotion and thought on their sleeve and go online and, you know, go to groups in there and kind of rant on their. Let their spouse see all of it.

Like, every emotion, everything in hopes that their spouse will see their pain and change their behavior. Like, have that be a motivation to change their behavior. Why are these examples a problem? They are a problem because they’re not sustainable. If we think of healing as something that is bigger than us, it’s not just for you. It’s bigger than us. It’s going to bless our lives. It’s going to bless the lives of all we are surrounded by. It takes careful, intentional healing. It’s on purpose. It’s slow and steady. Okay. Part of healing is uncovering stories and beliefs that are not serving us and replacing them with new ones. We are allowing in the healing space all of the painful emotions to rise to the surface and processing it for as long as it needs to be processed. We’re taking responsibility for our own healing rather than handing it to someone else to do it for us. Okay. So let’s go back to some of the examples that I gave and see where this applies. Okay. Let’s go to not bringing up an issue. Okay. Not bringing it up to your spouse. What does it create for the long haul to stuff things down to go, oh, my gosh, I can’t. He’s going to get mad. He’s going to say, oh, uh, well, we already have been through that. I thought we were past that. What can happen is it gets bottled up and bottled up.

Okay. What can happen to the marriage is that you’re not creating a truly intimate marriage where you can be vulnerable and transparent and to learn how to sit with each other in our, uh, truths, even if it’s really hard to hear. Okay. If you know that you’re divorcing, it can be tempting to just not think about the infidelity. Like, it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m leaving. Okay. Like power through upward and Onward. Here we go. Moving on. But eventually we do have to do the work of slowing down, feeling it all, processing it all, understanding the meanings we attach to the infidelity, or we are basically prolonging our own healing or putting it off. We might do things that, like, in the here and now, that bring temporary relief. They might feel good right now, but it’s not sustainable in the long term. Okay, just back to, like, my diet thing. Like, we might do things that, like, have treats and sugar and alcohol and things like that, that bring some temporary relief in the moment, but some of those things are not sustainable at the levels that we partake. Right.

We’re looking for sustainability. What can last, what can create good things. Right. What’s not going to break in 10 years or five years. Right. Often what happens in marriages or, uh, relationships that we leave if we don’t do this work and really address all of it, like really deal with it head on and feel all of it, often what can happen is we can actually bring it into new relationships and it will resurface. It will resurface because our bodies want to heal. And so it’ll come back to the surface because we’re feeling triggered by different things. And speaking from my own personal experience, it can create some issues one way or another. We gotta heal it. Okay, so what is the solution? The solution is to look at how you’re managing things now. Are you dealing with issues head on or are you putting them off? Are you trying to talk yourself out of your feelings so you can avoid an uncomfortable discussion? Are you judging your feelings and therefore avoiding them? Are you thinking, I should be past this, I should be doing better? Why am I going back here?

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I’m behind. I, uh, thought I was good. Now I’m not good. What’s wrong with me? Okay, if you are judging, if you’re judging your experience, judging your feelings, you are not going to be in a position to heal them. Okay? To. To really address them. Are you hanging out in so much shame around the infidelity that you keep your true feelings buried deep? Or do you share more of your true feelings with your best friend rather than your partner? These behaviors are not sustainable. While I completely understand them, I do. In the long run, issues will arise. Okay, so, for example, feelings that we stuff about someone else often turn into resentment. We resent them for not doing what we want, and we may even resent them for not feeling safe enough for us to talk to. Like, I don’t feel safe talking to you because I’m pretty sure I know what you’re going to say and I resent you for it. Okay?

We may blame them that we have to shove so much pain and misery down or that they are not doing exactly what we think they should be doing to help us feel better. But resentment unchecked turns into an inferno. It burns everyone up. The unhappy feelings grow so large that they can explode out of you and create some damage. Things are said sometimes from that space that you wish you could take back, or it creates so much damage in the relationship in general that it becomes much harder to repair. Okay? And you’re not able to partner with each other from this space. You can. It just becomes harder, right? So some of the people I work with or spouses of my clients who were unfaithful, they don’t want to talk about it because it brings up their own shame, okay? They don’t want to talk about how they were unfaithful. They don’t want to talk about why. They don’t want to talk about what it feels like for their spouse because it’s painful. Of course it feels better not to. Of course it feels better not to see the mirror in front of you of what you have brought into somebody else’s life. Okay?

Of course, I get it. But what is the end game here? Like, what are we really trying to create, okay? To be just fair weather friends to each other where we just kind of move along and just kind of get along, Right? Well, we just get along. We just. It’s good enough, right? Or is the end game to create something deep, strong and lasting where you trust each other enough to tell the truth, even if it’s really, really hard? Okay? So for many, infidelity started in the first place because they didn’t know how to express their feelings and sought out something that felt better than what they’re currently experiencing. It created more problems, okay? So I’m not saying that if you don’t follow these things, it’s going to happen again. That’s not at all what I’m saying, okay? What I am saying is that when we bottle things up, when we push things aside, when we don’t deal with things head on, we are prolonging, we’re prolonging pain. Ultimately, we are putting off the actual healing that needs to happen. We are putting it. We’re putting off this work. One way or another, it needs to get done. And the more we put it off, the more we’re robbing ourselves of all the joy of being healed.

Especially for those of you who Are staying with your spouses the joy of creating a truly intimate marriage, probably for the first time ever, or creating it with somebody else? Right. Feeling free, Feeling truly healed? Right. As you listen to this episode, I want you to pay attention to three things and ask these questions. Okay? The three things to pay attention to are, one, your own behaviors towards your own feelings. Do you judge them? Do you make room for them? How do you process your feelings? How do you honor what is going on for you? Number two, your behaviors toward your partner. If that applies to you, okay? How do you. How do you speak up for things with your partner? How do you think about your partner? What do you think of them? Do you spend a lot of time in judgment? Do you spend a lot of time in fear? Do you spend a lot of time wishing that you’re married to somebody else? Right. What are your behaviors towards your partner? Number three, what are the behaviors of your spouse both around infidelity and in general in relation to you and the marriage you are creating? Okay, then ask yourself these questions. I recommend getting out a piece of paper and writing these things down. If this behavior continues indefinitely, what could be the result? Is it sustainable? Are, uh, these behaviors sustainable? Is it something that will last the test of time? Okay, we’re like, really forecasting out. Like, if this behavior right here continues, what might happen? Is it going to ultimately create what we want?

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Is it going to set us back or is it going to blow up? Okay, next question. To change the, the trajectory of this path, what courageous thing do I need to do or say now? Okay, next. What do I need to remember to support myself as I step into a clear, more direct, resentment free version of myself? What do I need to remember? Oh, uh, yeah. I need to remember that I can have my own back no matter what anybody else does. I need to remember that ultimately I am responsible for all things in my sphere. I’m responsible for my own feelings. I’m responsible for how I show up. I’m responsible for getting the results I want. So if it means showing up in a stronger way, so be it. Okay, then, my friends, I want you to go do those things. Journal until your awareness of what is not sustainable is so clear that it propels you forward to create something lasting, real, strong and true, truly intimate. Okay? Whether you’re doing this work for you alone or with a partner or with the idea of a partner in the future, you are worth it. You will reap the benefits.

You will know that you are living with so much integrity. You will know that you are living in truth, you’ll know that you’re showing up to life, that you’re engaged, that you’re in it. Uh, that you’re sitting in those uncomfortable feelings and those uncomfortable conversations like you’re here for it. There’s so much confidence that comes from allowing yourself to go to these places. You will blow yourself away with what you’re capable of. Okay. The more we can tolerate our own discomfort, the more and more and more we can show up to all the beauty of life. And especially in relationships, it’s where we can create the most intimate, most truth telling, most, uh, just most loving, delicious, beautiful relationships. Okay. I want that for all of you. All right, that’s what I got. Um, so much love to you. I. I yesterday received an email from somebody who has been a listener of my podcast for a while.

And she said something that really touched me. It was really touching. She said that she found my podcast shortly after finding out and that, uh, she refers to me as my friend Andrea. And it just, it really just. I got a little emotional. I had to wipe away a tear because I think of you as my friends. I know that you are listening all over the world. I know that you are listening when you are in crisis, you’re in a lot of pain. And I think of you as my friends. I know you have so much good coming for you. I know that this has the opportunity, this infidelity has the opportunity to work for you in a way that you just can’t see it. And I wrap my arms around you and am really grateful to have you in my space. My beautiful friends, so much love to you. Thank you for being here and I will see you next time. Thank you for listening to the Heal From Infidelity podcast. If you would like to be kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast episodes and other ways of working with me, go subscribe to my weekly email. You can subscribe at, uh, andreagiles.com lies-about-infidelity forward slash. Again, it’s andreagiles.com forward slash, lies about-infidelity forward slash. I will see you next time, Sam.

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