Hello and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity podcast, where courageous women learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become the boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves ever. If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently living but don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place. Stick around to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks off. Is it possible? Is. And I’m here to show you how. I’m your host, Andrea Giles. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

I’m going to just go ahead and jump into this one. Okay. This is an episode that’s been in my brain for a long time. It’s been a long time in coming. I’ve thought about it many, many times and felt like I want to get this one right. I know that this is a subject that I do not take lightly, but that people come to me with all the time and they want help with. So today I’m going to be talking about the most common concerns I see when it comes to making this decision. Today I’m going to be sharing some things about my story that are highly personal, but that I’m hoping will illustrate some of the points that I want to make. Okay. So there are almost always factors that make the decision a little more complicated.

Okay. It’s easy to think, well, when we look at other people who choose to stay or choose to leave. Well, they don’t have this factor. They don’t have this factor. Okay. It’s easy to compare. Some of these are, um, children. Children involved. Some of these are having the husband be the primary breadwinner. Some of them could be feeling a really strong love or connection toward the person that you’re with. Mental illness can be a factor. There can be the question of what happens to an eternal marriage. For those of you who are my listeners who are not familiar with the LDS faith, we believe that once you’re married and sealed in one of our temples, that it’s eternal, that it goes beyond death, that you are, uh, reunited eternally.

So it’s pretty weighty to think of ending an eternal marriage. These are all very real considerations, and I don’t take them lightly. Okay. When I decided to leave my marriage, here were some of my circumstances that made it tricky to decide. I had always been a stay at home mom. He was the provider. He had a lot of education. He had two master’s degree, bachelor’s degree, two master’s degree, a Law degree. He did really well. I had always been home with the kids. We had six children. There was a mental illness factor where there were some mental illness that, that I took into consideration on his part when I was making my decision.

I cared very deeply for him and I wanted him to be okay. M so how do we make these choices? I see a lot of people who feel trapped, like they have no choice but to stay. But that is actually not the case. And I’m hoping that this episode shows you and helps you to understand what your options are and how to navigate this very important decision. Okay, so let’s talk about it. When do you leave a marriage? The short answer is you leave a marriage when you are satisfied that you have shown up the way that you want to, that you have been the person that you want to be in the marriage and that you like your reasons for leaving. Okay, I’m uh, going to explain what that means. Okay.

Now I have heard it taught that you leave a marriage when you feel like you could stay or leave and be okay either way. But that never has landed for me. Okay. Yes, I do feel like when I help a uh, client, when, when a client decides what they want to do, I help them feel peaceful about it, about their decision. But when it comes to making the decision of uh, am I going to stay married or not, I don’t want it to be. Treat it like I could wear this today or I could wear this today and either would be fine. Okay. That has never landed well for me. It doesn’t feel like self love to me. It feels more like talking yourself into being okay with something that maybe you know deep down you aren’t okay with. Okay. So uh, at the training I went to a couple weeks ago, one of my instructors, coaches, mentors, friends, her name is Amy Gianni, she taught it in a way that

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rang true to me. She said you leave a marriage when you feel at peace with how you have shown up. Like I said before. Okay. Now I’m adding this part. When you can say that you have done the hard work, when you have self confronted and when you’re willing to walk away in service of something you want more, that is when, that is when you leave a marriage, when you know that you’ve done the work. And I’m going to explain what I mean by that. Okay? So in explaining what I mean, I’m going to talk to you a little bit about my experience. And like I said, it’s very personal, but I’m sharing this with you in hopes that it will help you. Okay. So you know, if you’re listening to this, that I’m religious. I’m a prayer. I pray. I, uh, pray a lot. Okay, now I’m going to give you a little bit of context. Okay.

It was October 2012. I had found out a whole lot of things that had been hidden from me for a long time. It was rough. It was rough to hear. It was rough to know. And I really just was like, I just want out. I don’t want to deal with the pain. I don’t want to feel all of this. It hurt. It hurt a lot. But I went and prayed and was open to what the next best step would be. I was open. I didn’t want my kids to go through divorce. I wanted to work it out. And in my prayers during that time when it was really hard, one of the questions that I asked was, is it time to consider a separation? And I really was open to it. For the first time ever, I was open to it. Up until then, I had been very resistant to it because I wanted my children to have two parents in the home. I loved them so much, and I wanted that for them. And so I wasn’t really even willing to consider it up until that point.

At that point, it was, is it time to consider separation? What was surprising to me was the answer that I got, which was no. An adamant no. And the answer I got was that, uh, I needed to give him all the love that I had to love him, um, better than I ever had before. You know, it was not an easy answer because I was feeling so hurt at that time that there were lots of things that felt hard to love. But I. I prayed and I asked for help, and guess what? I felt it. And I gave him all the love that I had. Now, as I was preparing for this episode, I went and found my journal. And you’ve heard me talk before about how grateful I am that I documented things, that I wrote it down. I went and found my journal entry from this time, and this is when I had decided that I was going to give him what I had, that I was going to love him. Okay. And let things play out that I. I didn’t know how it was going to end. But then I knew that what I needed to do was show up with love to be present.

Okay, so this is what I wrote. October 2012. At the top it said, notes to self to read in tempting hard times. Trust that you know more than you think you know. Trust that the Lord wants you to be happy and is trying to get you there. He. I put my first husband’s name. I’m leaving that out. Needs you to support him right now, to embrace him, to love him, even though he really does not deserve it right now. Remember that we are all undeserving of the mercy and grace of God, but he gives it to us anyway. Help him feel the love of Christ through your actions. You have said enough. He is shamed enough. He knows you are hurting. Be strong, Andrea. Hold your tongue and love him through this. Dig deep and find the love to give.
Be courageous. You can do this. When I read this in preparation for this podcast, it just kind of blew me away again at uh, how led I felt during that time. And I’m grateful that I showed up in that way and grateful that that that was what I wanted to give. I wanted to be that. I wanted to show up with love. I wanted to support, I wanted to encourage. I. I was there for it now. I had no idea at that time that not many months later I would not only be separating, but I would be getting divorced. I had no clue. It was March of the following year that I realized it’s over, that the

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thing started to proceed towards divorce. In hindsight now, I needed to know that I had given everything I had, that it was real for me, that I wasn’t faking it, that I was all in. I was willing. Now, some of the things that I wanted to see at that time were a willingness on his part to come clean with me about things that he was involved in. But I was not demanding it. I was not pushing. I was loving him and saying, I’m here, I’m here. I want to walk this with you. I didn’t know that that was something that he was not either ready or willing to do. And I will leave out a lot of details for privacy of him, privacy of my kids, things like that. But what it came down to was understanding that he didn’t want to get the help. He didn’t want to let go of those things. And many more things came out that I had no idea about. But what I can do is I can hold my head up and know that I showed up the way that I wanted to, with love, with compassion, with understanding.

So what are some good things for you to consider in making this decision? I want to go over some, but first I’m going to back up just a minute. The other thing that I didn’t know is that within a year’s time, he would no longer be living. I had no idea at that time that his life was not very much longer. And I can look back with gratitude for myself that I showed up the way that I did at the end of our marriage, that I gave it what I had, that I was willing to do the work. I was willing to dig in to see how I had contributed to the situation we were in and own up to my part of it and show up the way that I wanted to, regardless of what he did. So here are some questions to consider as you’re looking at making your own decisions. Okay. And again, this is my opinion.

Other professionals have their opinion. These are mine. These are the things that I feel need to be considered. When you’re making this decision. One, Are you self confronting? Are you seeing how you have co created where you are now? Are you willing to be wrong, to apologize, to give the benefit of the doubt? Are you knowing yourself all of it? Now I want to clarify something really, really important here. Self confronting is not taking responsibility for their actions. Their actions are theirs and theirs alone. Okay? I’m not saying that you were partially at fault for the choices that your spouse made to be unfaithful or to be deceptive and in whatever way they were. Okay? I’m saying, are you willing to look at your side of it? It’s so much easier to just blame, right? To just say, he’s just a jerk, he did this and this and this. But where real growth happens is when you’re willing to self confront and hold that mirror up to yourself.

I am not suggesting that you are taking responsibility for their stuff though. That is theirs. Okay, next number two, are you learning how to emotionally self regulate? Are you taking responsibility for your emotions or passing them over to him? This is a hard one. I got married really young and I had in my head these nice fluffy thoughts about how a marriage should be and that a husband should make his wife feel this way and that a woman should show up in this way. And over time, what I learned is that I needed to take care of my own emotions, that I needed to know how to take care of my own feelings and not hand them over to somebody else. It wasn’t until I got more to that point. Not, uh, I’m never going to reach perfection here, okay? But when I got stronger in that area that I was ready to make that decision. Because guess what, a lot of people were uncomfortable with my decision and I needed to know how to hold space for my own discomfort with their discomfort and move forward anyway. Okay, so are you taking responsibility for your emotions or Are you passing it over to him? Number three, are you speaking honestly or hiding what is true for you to avoid conflict?

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I. I get it. None of us like to like, go into a fight, right? Or have these conversations that bring up uncomfortable emotion. It’s not something we look for generally, right? But, uh, are you speaking honestly? Are you telling the truth to yourself about what you want? Or are you hiding what is true for you? Are you telling the truth about asking the clarifying questions that you want to know? Or are you avoiding those questions to avoid conflict? Next, are you in a place where you can thrive? Are you in a situation where you can thrive? What is the answer to that? Now, taking personal responsibility for ourselves, we have great power, great potential to thrive in any situation. But when you’re looking at it from choice, from what is truly best for you, are you in a place where you can thrive? Next, is he or she willing to do this work as well?

Are they self confronting? Are they showing up with integrity? Are they owning their part? Are they helping to build something stronger? You are doing the personal work of growing up, becoming an emotional adult, showing up in a different way, taking responsibility for your feelings. Is he doing the same? Is he growing up? Now, it might look like it’s at a different pace, okay? It might be that your version of growing up is a little different than his. But can you see the intent? Can you see that he’s trying. Can you see that he is trying to grow himself up to be an emotional adult? Now, I will never encourage divorce, ever. Okay? But what I will encourage till the day I die is personal integrity. I will encourage telling yourself the truth. I will encourage being willing to ask for and to be willing to hear the hard answers and to be willing to act on them.

I want you to like your reasons for staying or leaving. Something that my husband says often is, marriage is not meant to be an endurance test. That’s something that I agree with. I couldn’t agree with more. Now, here’s a question that I get sometimes from people. Why do all this work, all the self confronting, all the growing up, if it’s just going to end? Why do I have to be the one that does all this work? I promise I understand that question. But here’s what’s true. There is no downside to this work. You know why? Because you get to take it with you. No one can take it from you. Whether you stay married or you leave a marriage, you get to take it with you. There is no downside. Another point I want to make is it’s never going to be perfect. Okay, Meaning you could do the work and, you know, I can look at my marriage, 16 year marriage.
And in truth, there were things throughout the entire marriage that I could have done differently. 100%. There are things that I couldn’t see that I was doing. There were ways that I contributed to different issues.

But what I can do is hold my head high, knowing where my heart was. I know that I tried my best to be a good wife. And all the way to the very end, I chose to love him and to try to be there for him until it was no longer in my best interest or my children’s best interest for me to stay. It was no longer a safe place to be. So we are not going for perfection. It’s not going to happen.

Okay? It’s not happening. But I promise you that you will know if you are showing up differently, you’ll feel it differently. Part, uh, of the reason how you’ll know is because it might, there might be more conflict, it might get worse before it gets better. It’s like taking a cookie from a kid saying you can’t have that till after dinner. They’re going to argue, they’re going to fight, and then either you’re going to give in and give them the cookie or they’re going to calm down. It can often be the same when we show up differently in our marriages. It can escalate, it can get ugly, it can become really, really uncomfortable. So either you stand your ground and say, this is how I do things now, this is how I show up now, or you back down and go back into old patterns and old ways of thinking and doing things, and you stay stalled out. Now, a couple more things. This eternal marriage concept, okay, it’s something I hear a lot. I have, I have clients of all different faiths,

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but for my clients who, who like me, I was also married in one of our temples, it was eternal. It was a very hard decision for me. But here’s a question for you, looking at your spouse. Is this someone who you would choose to be eternally bound to? Is this someone you actively would choose? Why do you like your reasons? I don’t know what your answer will be, but I want you to like your reasons. In my book, just because it’s an eternal marriage doesn’t cut it. Because I think it’s far more about learning to love people, learning how to love, how to receive love, growing towards something bigger and better as individuals, personally and as a couple.

And if one person is not on board with that. If they are not doing the work of growth, I don’t know that I would want to be bound to them. So that’s one consideration. Another big thing that I see is money. What about money? If you knew that you could figure out the money, would you stay? Why or would you leave? Why? Why or why not? Do you like your reasons? Okay, now here’s the thing. I don’t think that there are any reasons that anyone else needs to approve of but you. Okay? You can decide to stay in a marriage just because you want to and back yourself up and say, I just choose this. This is what I want. I like my reasons for it. And you know what? That’s good enough for me. You don’t have to explain it to anybody. I just want you to know that you have done the work of knowing why you’re staying. Instead of just staying as the default choice.

Why are you choosing it? When we actively choose things, we are in a much more powerful position than if we just feel like we’re a victim or if we feel like it’s just the default choice, it’s just easier. But we don’t love it. Okay? I want you to love your reason, whatever it is. Staying or leaving, that’s it. Okay? So that’s what I have today. This is not a super long episode. I hope it gives you some things to think about again. When is it time to leave a marriage? When you are showing up the way that you want to? When you can look at yourself in the mirror and say, I did the work, I pushed myself, I grew and this is no longer working for me. I no longer like my reasons for staying. I no longer want to stay here.
It’s not a place where I will thrive and I want more for me or for my kids or for everyone involved. Okay. I hope that you find this helpful. I would love your feedback. I love hearing from you. If you have anything that you want to chat with me about or give me feedback on or topics that you want covered, just email me andrea, uh, andrea giles.com okay. I love hearing from you. This is for you. If you have things that you want from me, please let me know. All right, Sending you so much love. I’ll see you next week. Bye Bye.

Thank you for listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast. If you would like to be kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast episodes and other ways of working with me, go subscribe to my weekly email. You can subscribe@Andreagiles.com lies about infidelity for forward slash again. It’s Andrea Giles.com lies about infidelity. Forward slash. I will see you next time.