I’m Andrea Giles and you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast,
episode number 152, Remembering Your Value.

Hello and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity podcast where courageous
women learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become
the boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves
ever. If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently
living but don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place.
Stick around to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks
off. Is it possible? It is, and I’m here to show you how. I’m your host,
Andrea Giles. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode. This one is not going to
be your typical episode. I am not sitting at my desk. I am not using my
fancy microphone. I’m actually on a walk out in the country, which is where
I live. I live out in the country and I’m out on a walk. And I just want to
share with you some things from my heart, unscripted, but very much from my
heart today, about you, about your value, about what is possible right now
for you in this space that you’re in.

So what prompted this? First of all, we’ve had a lot of discussions with
some of our kids lately as we navigate having many children and lots of
teenagers, right? We have five teenagers right now, and they’re all
navigating different things where their worth, their value is challenged,
where sometimes they are drawn to if they’re feeling bad about themselves,
they’re drawn to others that feel the same. And we’ve been talking a lot
about how we energetically pick up on the energy of other people, that we
become like the people that we spend the most time around. And does being
around this person cause you to shrink? Do you have to shrink yourself to
be around this person? Do you have to mute yourself to be around this
person or can you be all of yourself and open yourself up and take up space
and be bold and make mistakes and be loved anyway? Right?

Anyway, I’ve been talking a lot about that. And then within my coaching
space, there’s been some things that have come up around recognizing our
value and when others are not recognizing our value. And one of the things
I wanted to talk with you about today is about how sometimes we can do
things in an effort that looks like we’re trying to claim our value and
really let people know that they’re not valuing us, and it backfires
sometimes. Why? Because sometimes the way that we’re going about it is in a
really reactive way. It’s coming from a reactive energy. It’s coming from a
proving energy. It’s coming from, “I need this person to see me. I need
this person to value me. I need this person to respect me.”

And so sometimes we make moves that look like somebody who’s really strong
and really powerful and really courageous. And it might look like that, but
right under it is this sense of, “I’m doing this to get something from this
person. I’m desperate for this person to just see me. I just want to know
that I matter. And that for example, like that our marriage mattered, that
I mattered.” And this face can be so crippling and so painful because you
might be dealing with somebody who is never going to give you that. They
might not be able to. They might be able to in theory like, yeah, “I love
you and you’re great,” and appreciate you. They might be able to say the
words, but they might not be able to treat you as somebody who highly,
highly values you, who highly, highly cherishes you.

When we take that back and take that job back of first valuing ourselves,
at first, seeing our own worth, our own value, really seeing it and
recognizing it and feeling that expansiveness within us and remembering
that our worth is so expansive, you can’t even name how valuable we are. And
when we can take that back and own that we are powerful, magnificent
creatures here and magnificent women, and some of you men that are
listening, when we can step into that space, something shifts. There’s
something that shifts. We go from doing these things to try to get
something, to try to extract something. We go from that to more quietly
just doing things that protect our value, doing things that we know we are
standing up for our own value. I’m going to give you a couple of examples.

In my group, one of my special group members is looking at switching jobs
because she feels like no matter how amazing she is at it, it’s a big boys’
club where she will never fully be valued and seen for her gifts and what
she brings to the table. And this is somebody that is very, very devoted to
her career, very good at what she does. And so today we are talking about
the difference in bolting because, “You’re never going to see me. So screw
you, I’m going to go, I’ll show you,” right? To going, “I value myself. I
value my work, I value my gifts. I value my ability to grow and to expand,
and I trust my ability to grow and to expand. And I’m going to go somewhere
where that is recognized, where it’s a match, where there’s an energetic
match of somebody else or a company or whatever it is that really is a
match for my own value for what I bring to the table that we can partner
together.”

And I do think that in many cases when we start to show up in that way,
when we start to first really cultivate this within ourselves and then we
start showing up in this space of like, “I don’t need you to give me
anything. I don’t need you to do anything to validate me or to make me feel
better about myself,” what happens when we stop needing it is we switch to
this place of wanting it. Want and need are two very different things.
Wanting something is more based on desire, based on, “I am meant for
everything. I am meant for all the things. I am meant to have it all and I
want it.” And that guides our next steps. It guides our pursuit. It guides
the courageous moves that we make. Needing something keeps us handcuffed.
It keeps us shackled in until somebody gives us that thing, and then it
becomes the insatiable appetite. It’s never enough. It’s never enough.

So my question for you today is what are the things that you think that you
need to feel valued? What are the things you think you need to feel like
your time with the person who was unfaithful wasn’t a waste, or that, “They
just never saw me and I never was good enough,” or whatever it was for you,
whatever it is for you? Okay? What is it that you’re holding out to hear?
For some of you, you just want to know that they understand the impact, the
impact that they blew up your life. You want to know that they get it. You
want to know that they see the risk they took in possibly losing you. For
some of you, it’s already done. They already did lose you, and you want to
know that they get it.

And while there can be some healing in that, while there can be some peace
in that and going, “Thank you for just telling me that you understand or
that you get it,” when we put ourself in a position of needing it, like, “I
can’t heal, I can’t move forward until I get that,” it keeps us chained, it
keeps us dependent. And a question I want you to ask is, “What do I think
is going to change if I hear these words? What am I finally going to be
able to feel if I hear these words or if this is said or if this is
understood? And is there a way that I can feel that anyway? Is there a way
that I can cultivate that within myself, instead of waiting to be told how
valuable and cherished I am? Is there a way that I can cultivate that
within myself so that I can draw in energetic matches to who I already am,
to who I already am?”

For some of you, this is a magical place where when we step into that in
our bodies, when we step into this space, we raise the bar. Energetically,
we are raising the bar and we call in and we bring in those that are a
match to that. And for many of you, it will be the person you’re married
to. For many of you, this is the space where you both rise and you both
become this version of yourself that is where you highly value each other
and you highly value yourself. And where infidelity will never be a thing
again, because you both have too much respect for yourselves and for each
other, that you would never compromise it, that your partner would never
compromise it again. That is going to be the situation for many of you.

For some of you, you are going to see if you are with somebody who, for
reasons you do not need to understand, cannot release the shackles of
staying in their own dysfunction, in staying in their own negativity and
their own of self-worth and their own disbelief in themselves. And that is
sad and it’s unfortunate, and it is not yours to solve. It is not yours to
fix. And this is where sometimes we have to lovingly let people go, where
we have to release them and trust that there are bigger things at play, and
that eventually they will karmically get the things they need one way or
another. And taking ownership of going, “Why am I depending on this person
who is not a very dependable person to help me feel better when they can’t
even give it to themselves?”

Okay, so back to value. This episode is all about recognizing your value
and stepping into it. If you believed that you were highly, highly valued
and cherished and adored and loved, and smart and beautiful and capable,
all of these things, what would you do differently today? What would you
think about differently? What would you pursue if you knew that within
yourself? What would you pursue? There’s answers there, here. There’s
guidance here for you to take the next steps.

All right, I’m going to wrap this up. Before I do, I invite you, those of
you who have been lingering around and looking at my program, I invite you
to join. Every single call is so powerful. Every single one, every one.
Where we go deep, we go deep. And I see my job as helping my clients
expand, holding the vision of who you are, holding a strong vision of who
you are and helping you expand into that, helping you expand into your own
recognition of who you are. And as you expand, your emotional bandwidth
expands and you’re able to hold more. You’re able to hold rejection, you’re
able to hold truth, you’re able to face it. You’re able to go and seek out
the things that you need to know because you can hold it. You’re able to
receive when you are being given things that you have wanted. You’re able
to receive it.

There’s so much growth that happens on every single call. And if you have
been wanting help, if you have felt a little prick that this might be
something that you need to pay attention to, I invite you to pay attention.
Pay attention. There are big things that happen inside the group. These
women in the group are changing their own lives. They’re changing their own
lives. They’re becoming versions of themselves that they are so, so proud
of, doing things that they did not think was even possible before they
joined. I want that for you. If you want to join, I have a seat at the
table for you. I have a seat at the table. You can go into the show notes,
all the information is there and grab your seat. Grab your seat. All right,
my beautiful friends, thank you for being here and I will be talking to you
next week.

Thank you for listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast. If you would
like to be kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast
episodes and other ways of working with me, go subscribe to my weekly
email. You can subscribe at andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/. Again,
it’s andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/. I will see you next time.