I’m Andrea Giles, and you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast,
episode number 182, Releasing the Leeches, Letting Go of What Was Never
Yours.

Hello and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity podcast for courageous women
learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become the
boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves ever.
If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently living but
don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place. Stick around
to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks off. Is it
possible? It is, and I’m here to show you how I’m your host, Andrea Giles.
Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

(00:50):

Welcome to another episode. Hello. Hello. Today we’re talking about
leeches. It’s going to be fun. Stick around. Who knew there was so much to
learn from leeches, but stick around and you’ll learn. Okay, before I do, I
want to share that I have been working on something that I’m so excited to
send out into the world. It will be very, very soon putting pieces together.
It’s an amazing masterclass that I have put together, all with the emphasis
of making the decision to stay or go. I know so many of you struggle with
it. It is a tough decision and most of you have come face to face with that
decision of really trying to decide, and I know that many of you are stuck
in it or that you think you’ve decided and then question it and go back and
forth, and some of you, the decision was made for you, but you’re still
reeling from it.

(01:43):

You would even benefit from this too. It is coming soon. It’s a very, very
low cost for this amazing course, and it’s taught in a way that you’ve
probably never heard before. One of the most favorite things I’ve ever done
created, put out in the world. Can’t wait for you to have it. It’s going to
be soon. Keep an eye out. I’ll announce it here. I’ll have it in the show
notes. I’ll have it anywhere where you can find me, and you’ll be able to
grab that. Alright, now let’s talk about leeches, shall we? Have you ever
felt completely drained after being around certain people? No matter how
much you give them, it’s never enough. What I want to say is that people
who leech off of you, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, they’re not just
taking your energy, okay? They’re not just taking your energy, they’re
actually feeding off of the stories you have carried that were never even
yours to begin with.

(02:40):

Okay? There’s going to be a lot to think about in this episode, so go with
me with this leech analogy. Now, why did this come to me? I was thinking
about different things and different relationships that I’ve had and how
there are people that it’s like no matter how much you give, it’s just not
quite ever enough and that they try to contort and twist and make it be
your problem, and when we can really see this and start doing something
about it, we gain our freedom back. Why leeches? I have had leeches on me
before. I grew up in Oregon, and there are times where I’d swim in like a
river or a creek and get out and have a leech on me and they’re so nasty,
so gross. I’m sure many of you have experienced that too, and they can be
hard to get off.

(03:27):

They don’t just come off easy. They like it. They’re being fed, right? Not
so great for the host though. Now, sometimes these same people that are
leeching off of you are using you to feed their own unhealthy attachments,
their own leeches, okay? Their very own leeches. They’re using yours.
They’re using you to feed theirs, and today we’re going to talk about
recognizing the various leeches in our lives, understanding the false
stories attached to them, and how to finally release them so we can get
back to our whole healthy selves without this thing that is constantly
draining our life force. Okay? You’ll get back energy, you’ll get back
clarity, you’ll get back truth. What’s actually true? Alright, what are
emotional leeches? A leech doesn’t just take a leech does not just take,
it’s not like popping in like a mosquito to take a little snack and then go
bother somebody else.

(04:27):

It attaches, it attaches an emotional leech is a person, a belief or a
dynamic that drains your energy while offering nothing in return? A total
taker. It’s someone who relies on your emotional labor to avoid doing their
own work. It’s a belief that keeps you stuck in cycles of guilt over giving
or self-betrayal and how do these leeches attach to us? Often through
childhood conditioning with things like you’re responsible for other
people’s emotions. You should be nice. You should be kind. You shouldn’t
hurt anybody’s feelings as if somebody’s hurt. Feelings are ours to fix.
That’s how we get attached in these unhealthy ways through trauma bonds. If
I keep them happy, they won’t abandon me through guilt driven
relationships. I owe them my time, my energy and sacrifice. That’s what
I’ve been told. I’ve been told to be a really good spouse. I need to give
everything I have to them.

(05:27):

I need to give them all of my time, all of my energy, everything I’ve got,
and that’s what makes me good. That’s how those leeches attach to us. Guilt
driven. Some of the infidelity, leeches that we take on leeches around
infidelity, things like this. The betray partner believing if I was enough,
they wouldn’t have done this. This is a lee that’s now attached to your
body and we often feed it and feed it and feed it with that false belief.
The unfaithful partner believing I’m forever broken because of what I did.
That’s also a leech. I am broken, and we often feed it with shame and
spiraling into shame and spiraling into guilt and what a terrible person we
are. We also can take on leeches around infidelity with external pressures
that are telling you that you have to forgive or that you have to leave or
that you have to stay when none of those quite feel aligned or you don’t
quite feel ready for them yet those can be leeches because they’re there to
suck the life out of you, trying to make you feel bad that you can’t seem
to get there just yet.

(06:36):

I want you to close your eyes if you can, and I want you to picture leeches
all over your body, kind of gross imagery, but just go with me, okay? Each
one of these leeches represents a belief or an expectation that was placed
on you by someone else. It’s not yours. It was placed on you. You might not
even realize how long they’ve been there. You’re so used to it that it’s
just kind of what you do. You just get dressed and don’t even notice it.
You don’t even remember it not being there, but now you’re beginning to see
them for what they are and recognizing, oh my gosh, this isn’t even mine.
Now, next part here, every leech is a story that was never yours. Do you
hear that? Every leech is a story that was never yours. Leeches feed on
false narratives, but you get to decide which stories you carry forward.

(07:30):

How do you identify the story behind each leech? Okay. When you are feeling
drained, you can ask yourself, what belief is keeping me in this dynamic?
What am I believing about this thing that makes me so tired that I keep
giving in this way or shutting my mouth? Because I feel like if I were
honest, I will hurt this person and that I can’t be mean, but I know that
I’m actually hiding from what is true. What is keeping me here? Why am I
doing this? What belief is keeping me in this dynamic and starting to
examine it next, trace it back. Okay, these leeches, they have history
about them. They can trace ’em back. Who taught me this? Who taught me this
who had a leech of their own and slapped it onto my body hoping that I
would hold it? Who taught me this and is it even mine to hold or is my
leech feeding theirs because theirs is unhealed and now they’re making me
unhealed?

(08:33):

Okay, notice patterns. Do I feel responsible for others? Do I think I have
to prove my worth? Do I have to hustle for people to be okay with me or do
I believe that I do? Here’s some common examples of leeches that you might
carry. Okay? The martyr leech. It’s got a name. It is my job to fix, save,
or sacrifice for others. I must. I must. The unworthiness leech. I have to
prove my value to be loved. I have to prove it or it’s just not true. I’m
not loved the shame leech. I am defined by my past mistakes. I am the sum of
my mistakes and nothing more. The obligation leech. I can’t say no or I
will disappoint people. How infidelity can expose the leeches we’re
carrying are that when we actually want to heal, it forces us to confront
the roles that we’ve played in relationships.

(09:35):

We cannot heal if we don’t. We have to face it. It reveals where we’ve
abandoned our own needs to keep the peace and it asks us, who am I without
these stories or without these leeches? Like who am I underneath all of
this? Who even am I? And one by one, examine the leeches on your body. Hold
them in your hands. What words are written on them? Who gave you these
beliefs? And as you name them, here’s the thing, as you name them, they
start to loosen their grip. They start to loosen their power. We see ’em
now. We see them and then when we name them, we’re not quite so afraid of
’em and then they eventually fall off. Part three here. Why do people leech
off of us to feed their own needs? Sometimes the people who drain us,
they’re not just taking, they’re feeding something unhealthy in themselves
and they probably don’t even realize it.

(10:31):

It’s what I call the cycle of borrowed leeches. Some people don’t just
drain us. They use us to keep their own wounds alive. They’re using us to
keep their own wounds alive. It’s like a transference of this leech energy.
Their fear, insecurity or unhealed pain demands nourishment, and if we
don’t provide it, they blame us for their discomfort because we’re not
feeding their leches, we’re not feeding it, and then they blame us that
we’re not meeting their needs when it’s not real needs. It’s unhealed
needs. Here are some examples of leches that drive people to leech off of
others. Here’s one, the unworthiness leech. I don’t feel good enough, so I
need my partner to constantly reassure me. Now, a little caveat here at the
beginning of when you first find out about infidelity, it’s so ground
shattering for most people that they probably do need reassurance till they
get their feet back on the ground a little bit, but if this keeps going on,
and for many people it may have been there before in some regard, and
sometimes their partners were resistant to it, they felt like they could
never quite give enough, then infidelity occurs.

(11:47):

We need more, and it could be quite a leech to other people because it’s
like if I give and give and give, it’s never quite enough. They always want
more, and so it’s something to check into and to go, what is it that I’m
thinking that I need and is it actually something that I can give myself by
healing this part of me that thinks that I need it? Another leech is the
abandonment leech. This is a big one. I fear being alone, so I guilt trip
my spouse into staying emotionally enmeshed with me. This one’s such a sad
one because I don’t want any of you being with anyone that is not
absolutely delighted to be with you. You don’t actually want that. This is
your fear speaking. This is you being afraid of being alone. Abandonment is
terrifying. The thought of being abandoned is terrifying and in reality,
what we want is to be with somebody that we know is choosing us with our
eyes wide open, and so we’re acting this out, this leech when it’s not even
what we want and it’s not going to get anyone anywhere.

(12:51):

Another is the control leech. I don’t feel safe unless I control how others
see me, so I manipulate situations to get the validation I need. That’s a
big one. People that really need to manage their image, image control,
really doing everything they can to have people view them in a certain
light and those other people are just falling right into it. They’re totally
feeding that person’s leeches, and if that person is saying that they’re
doing it wrong somehow and that they need more from them, they can be
taking on more leeches themselves in response to it. Now, another way that
this shows up is a partner who needs constant validation may demand that
their spouse fills that void and when they can’t, they blame them for their
pain. This is a dynamic that’s pretty common. You didn’t give that to me.
You are not meeting my needs.

(13:48):

You’re not feeling this void and I’m going to blame you, and the harm in
this is that we do need things from each other. We do want things from each
other, but when it’s coming from this place, there literally is never
enough that that person can do. It will be insatiable. They’ll always need
more and the other person will feel drained. Part of them will know that
this is not healthy. There’s something wrong with this. Either I’m wrong
because I can’t give them what they want, or there’s something wrong with
this dynamic that I can’t quite put a finger on. That’s what it is, okay?
If you’re feeling like there’s something off, there probably is. Sometimes
the unfaithful partner might have been feeding their own deep seated
insecurity leech through external validation such as having affairs rather
than addressing the source of that insecurity. They think that maybe if I
go over here, then I’ll feel better.

(14:42):

Then I’ll feel more loved and more whole and desired, when really what it
does in the end for most people is creates even more problems and more
insecurity and more issues to heal from. The betrayed partner might take on
the role of the healer or the fixer overcompensating to try to make their
partner feel whole even when it’s not their job. Isn’t that interesting?
The betrayed partner might take on the role of the healer or fixer. They’re
so afraid. Often this comes from being so afraid of what happens when they
stop doing that, when they give it up, when they stop and then they’re
afraid that they’re going to get rejected. It’s very fear-based. I want you
to picture someone in your life who has been pulling from you, not because
they want to hurt you, okay? They’re often doing it without even knowing.
Just like you don’t see them until you see them.

(15:36):

They don’t either. Okay? They’re not trying to hurt you, but they are
trying to feed their own emptiness. They keep giving and giving to these
stories, and it’s bleeding them dry, and so they’re looking to you going,
help me. Can you fix it? And taking, and taking and taking in a depleted,
unhealthy way. I invite you to look beyond their actions and see what is
actually the leech that they’re carrying, what false story is driving their
need, and I want you to ask yourself, are you willing to continue being
their food source or is it time to step away and let them find their own
healing? Do you want to continue feeding it or do you want to step away?
How do we do that? All right. This next section is about releasing the
leches. We are sending them back where they came from. We aren’t just
removing them.

(16:28):

We’re going, where did this even come from? What’s the source of this? And
we’re sending it back to their rightful owner, how we can consciously
release each false story. We’re looking at each one. We’re examining it.
We’re going, this isn’t actually mine. This never was mine. I actually
didn’t even feel that way about myself until this person said that I
should. Huh? Interesting. This was given to me, and then you reassign it.
This expectation belonged to my mother or my ex or my society. It’s not
mine. It’s actually not mine. I don’t think that I learned it, but I don’t
actually think it. Then you’re releasing it, you’re visualizing handing it
back, setting it down, or you’re letting it dissolve. You’re letting go of
it. You’re handing it back. Now, the power of stepping back is instead of
feeding someone else’s leech, you’re naming it saying, I see that you feel
unworthy, but I can’t be the one to prove your worth to you.

(17:26):

No one can do that for you, and I’m not going to continue depleting myself
for you holding boundaries. I care about you, but I won’t sacrifice myself
to make you feel okay. You need to learn how to do that for yourself. It’ll
be beneficial for both of us. Two healthy people that aren’t being depleted
constantly. Trust that releasing someone else’s leech is an invitation to
them to finally heal. This is an act of love. It’s an act of kindness. I
want you to picture yourself stepping back from someone whose needs have
weighed on you. You are handing their leech back to them, not as a
punishment, but as a freedom, and they might not like it. They may resist,
but deep down for yourself that letting go is not abandonment. It’s
honoring what was never yours. It was never even yours to carry. You’re not
abandoning them.

(18:18):

You’re saying, I am not willing to do this anymore. Now, I want you to
imagine walking through life without the weight of old stories, without the
energy drains of unhealthy attachments. This is what it means to reclaim
yourself, to restore, to come back to who you always were. It’s always been
there. There’s just been all these things sucking the life out of you.
You’re sending them back and getting to know how you are when you are
actually whole and not constantly being drained. The only leeches that can
stay there are the ones that you willingly choose, but I have the feeling
that once you start removing them, you’re not going to want anymore. Who
wants to carry a leash around? Not I. Alright, this wraps it up for today.
I hope that it resonated with you. I hope that you’re able to sense where
you are carrying things that aren’t yours, where you can sense that others
around you have their own, that you have been inadvertently feeding into,
and that it is a loving kindness to give it back, and ultimately what
you’re going to find out is if they’re willing to do the work to remove
their own, that is only for them to do.

(19:32):

No one can do it for them. You put them in a much stronger position to do
that. When you stop feeding theirs. When you stop, okay, they might resist,
they might kick. Those leeches might suffer and feel freaked out and scared
and all of that, and then maybe then they’ll go, okay, if this person’s not
willing to play this this way, maybe it’s time that I figure this out.
That’s what we hope for, right? That’s what we hope for everyone, but in
the meantime, take care of attending to yourself. Look at where you are
taking on stories that are not yours. Where did this come from? Find the
source. Give it back. Okay, give it back. I hope this was useful to you. I
think personally that this episode can be helpful for anybody, not just
people navigating infidelity, and if there are people in your life that you
feel comfortable sharing this with, please do please share this episode
with people. Let them know what they’re capable of and where they might be
falling prey to other people’s leches and that they can grow strong by
removing them. Alright, thank you. I will see you next time. Alright,
bye-bye.

(20:47):

Thank you for listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast. If you would
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3 Biggest Lies About Infidelity

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3 Biggest Lies About Infidelity

. I will see you next time.