I’m Andrea Giles and you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity Podcast,
Episode Number 167, One Choice at a Time.

Hello, and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity Podcast where courageous
women learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal but to become the
boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves ever.
If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently living but
don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place. Stick around
to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks off. Is it
possible? It is, and I’m here to show you how. I’m your host, Andrea Giles.
Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

Hi, beautiful friends, welcome back to another episode. Today we’re going
to be talking about choices, the choices that we make, the choices that we
don’t make that have consequences, and we’re going to break this down.
Okay. First of all, before I dive in, I want to say I am going to be
holding a workshop in January. I believe it’s January 9th. It’s all about
the decision to stay or go. It’s going to be a half day workshop. I’m going
to be doing some teaching, some coaching. I’m going to open up some time
for Q&A for people who want to do a little bit of a deep dive into
their situation. I invite you to come. You can register for it in the show
notes, you can register for it in the link in Instagram, you can register
there, and I hope to see you there.

It’s a low-cost workshop, one that I hope that many of you find a lot of
value. I know this is a big question for so many of you, is do I stay or do
I go? That’s why I decided to do it, so I hope to see many of you there.
Many of you are already signed up for it, which is wonderful, I can’t wait
to see you. All right, so why this topic today? I’ll tell you why. Today, I
am kind of in a reflective space. I’m pretty tired. It is the day after
Thanksgiving weekend, everybody is gone. We had many guests. We had nine of
our 12 children home, most of them were staying in our home. We have three
grandchildren that were here, adult kids, little kids, and then to top it
all off, my little girl just turned three two days ago, and so in addition
to the Thanksgiving festivities, it was also her birthday so I threw her a
birthday party and made her a cake and all the things.

So it’s been busy, I’m tired today, but I had some reflections over the
weekend that I want to share with you in hopes that they’re helpful to you.
As I was sitting there taking it all in, what times that I was not super
busy? First of all, let’s talk about that, okay? It bears talking about. I
am one that I’m a pretty good cook, if I do say so myself. I like homemade
things like making stuff from scratch so I make homemade stuffing and all
the casseroles and everything with fresh herbs and everything fresh,
homemade rolls, all the things. It’s been a journey for me to at times feel
frustrated at how much work there is to prepare all the food and to kind of
be annoyed that everybody’s off playing or watching football or whatever
while I’m feeling like I’m slaving away in the kitchen.

Over the last years I’ve learned how to advocate for myself in a really
strong way, more than I ever have before, and really spoke up about what I
wanted, the kind of help I wanted. I want to cook this thing by myself, I’m
totally fine to let somebody else cook this. Can you take this over? The
other thing is that I have learned to advocate with the kids of saying,
“This is the expectation. I want you to be in charge of this. I want to not
be in charge of this. Who wants to take this?” And so, I had more help this
year than I ever have before, it was awesome. It was awesome. To the point
where there were moments where I’m like, “Okay, you all can go out of the
kitchen.” I didn’t actually say that but where there are so many people
willing to help that it got a little crowded, right? Wow. Wow, I’m so
grateful.

My husband was right there helping the whole time, the kids constantly
asking how they can help, what can I do? And I got to actually have time to
play games with everybody and just to hang out with the grandkids, long
stretches of time holding my precious little grandson who’s two months old
and so dang cute. I got to have that. And with that, I got time to just
think and reflect and not be hustling and hurrying. I had moments like that
but it was not the whole weekend. Something that came to mind that I
thought … I want to share this with my listeners, is how I was reflecting
on my life not many years ago and how it looks 100% different than I ever
thought. It looks 100% different than I dreamed it up when I was young.

I live somewhere I never thought I would. I live in Montana in a beautiful
home right on the Missouri River. I am married to a man that I never … I
was married to somebody else, I didn’t even know he existed, I didn’t know
his kids existed, and I adore him and there’s strong chemistry. There’s all
the things that I really wanted, and I’m going to get more into that in a
little bit. We have this little girl who’s three who we just adore. We just
adore her. She brings us so much joy. Now, there’s lots of choices that we
make. All the time we’re making choices and some are … As I was thinking
about this episode, I was kind of categorizing the types of choices, and I
think that there are small choices that are low impact. They don’t have a
big impact. Like, what I wear today is not probably going to change the
trajectory of my life. What I eat today, those things do have impact. It
might not affect me today but over time these things have impact.

What I do with my money today does have impact over time. It might be a
smaller impact today if I buy that Starbucks drink or not, but over time
small choices can have a small impact or they can have a pretty big impact.
And then, there’s big choices with big impact and I’m going to go back in
time to when I was grappling with the decision of what to do in my marriage.
There were many times where I knew that things were struggling, that things
were difficult in my marriage, where I knew that there was a lot of
deception, where I knew that it just seemed like I was talking to someone
who didn’t really want to be rational and reasonable and really, really
heal. I stayed for a long time even knowing some of these things because I
was so hopeful that we could figure it out.

And then, I left and that decision had massive impact. I do not want to
minimize for a second the impact that that decision had. This very day,
this very day, I had a conversation with one of my daughters about the
impact of everything that went down on her and the therapy that she’s done,
and the help that she’s gotten, and her own healing in all of it, right? Big
impact, big decision, big impact. Now, there’s some choices that we make
that there are piles of other choices behind. Let me give you an analogy,
okay? If you imagine the game dominoes, there’s the front domino and then
there’s all the dominoes lined up behind. There are some choices that we
make that are reaching back and taking one domino out, just pulling one
domino out of that pile. And then, there are some choices that we make that
are at the very front that you knock that one down and all the other
dominoes, you take them all out.

I see me deciding to leave that marriage as a big domino in deciding that I
was going to take a stand for my own values, for the quality of my
marriage, for my dreams, for my desires, and I was also doing the same for
my children. I was taking a stand for all of us, and that in turn knocked
down many, many dominoes of indecision, of wondering how long of being
afraid of the repercussions. It triggered all of that to really like here
we go. Instead of wondering, instead of worrying, instead of being so
afraid of the impact, it knocked that whole pile down, like here’s the
mess, let’s go. It also took away other decisions that would’ve needed to
be made if I stayed. The constant negotiating with myself, it took it out.
I didn’t need to negotiate with myself anymore. All the questions of am I
being fair and how is this going to affect the kids and what am I going to
do, and all of that.

It just knocked that all out to where now I have new things to think about,
new questions to ask and answer. Suddenly those things were gone. I
recently had a conversation with a client who had some things happen. She
was really hopeful that the marriage would work, and then she got some more
information and realized it’s not going to work and I need to go. She told
me that she feels very peaceful. She feels completely peaceful because she
no longer has that pile of dominoes with all the questions, and what about
this? What about this, and this, and this, and when, and all of that. She
made the decision from her own values, from her own courage, from her own
wisdom, and it now has taken out those other dominoes of places that we go
when we’re worried, when we’re questioning.

She said, “I just don’t have to go there.” One of the things I coached her
on is, if things were to come up that would confuse you, what would they be
and how do you want to address that? How do you want to speak to those
things? And that’s what we did some coaching around. Now, fast-forward,
another big choice with big impact was marrying my current husband, and I
would be lying if I said that it was really rosy and really the way that I
imagined that. It wasn’t, it was challenging. We both were triggered by
things. When we met each other we both had really come through the wringer
and had some things that we both needed to heal from. Of course, looking
back in hindsight, I think that there’s some things I would do differently
and giving myself more time in different ways.

I worried so much about things that I wouldn’t worry about now. Keep in
mind, this was before any coaching. At this time, I had done some therapy
that for me was not really, really all that helpful for me. It wasn’t until
a little bit later, and I’ll get into that, that really things transformed
anyway. Anyway, but there was enough of connection, and a knowing, and a
peace, and a knowing it’s going to be really hard. It’s going to be really
hard and let’s do this thing, and knocked down that domino. We moved here.
I picked up my kids and moved to Montana, six kids. My son was a senior in
high school when we moved, and it was really, really challenging. Now, fast
forward a year into the marriage. I’ve talked about this before. I’m just
going to mention it briefly, but I was at a really big crossroads.

I was in so much pain. I was really struggling in feeling like I was second
to this woman who had died, and it was like eating me up inside. I was in
this tiny community of 1200 people and it was just chewing me up that I
felt like I would always be playing second fiddle in this space. And even
to him, I really felt that. And I remember getting to this crossroads of
going, you either need to figure this out or you need to leave because this
is going to eat you alive. And it was at that time that I was introduced to
coaching, to life coaching, and particularly the way that I now coach or
some of it. I’ve evolved quite a bit since I started and passed the initial
things that I was taught.

But those initial things really, really, really helped me tremendously to
think about things in a way that was more supportive of me, more supportive
of my growth, more supportive of me choosing me first so that I could then
stand up and say, “I am here. This is my rightful place and I want to be
with people who choose me and who put me first.” And so, that became my new
growth, was in really showing up as somebody who is worthy of being chosen.
We all are, we’re all worthy of that, but me knowing it and showing up in
that way, growing in my capacity to really hold myself to a high standard
and expect the same. I then became a coach and opened up my coaching
practice, which has opened so many doors and led me to so many amazing
people.

Then, one big thing is that a few years back our marriage hit a crisis
point where some of the things that had been tucked away or not really
healed or really worked through kind of hit a point where it was rough, and
I’m going to just be honest here where I was looking at my options. I was
hurt. There were some things that happened that were pretty hurtful to me.
And again, it was one of those crossroads of looking at a decision. For me
at this time the decision that was clear as day, that came from wisdom,
that came from strength, was stay. Andrea, this is where you learn how to
build a marriage you just are crazy about, that you really want to be in.
And that has been the work that we’ve done. That experience for him of
knowing that he hurt me was very humbling for him to where it just showed
him some areas that he really needed to let go of to grow into all of that.

And he has done a lot of work with himself and it’s like, all right, now we
really can get somewhere. The amount of growth is just astounding to me of
where we are now together, both of us, we both had areas that we needed to
grow. I look at that choice to stay and that I knew, that I knew this is
your growth, Andrea, this is the place. You’re with a good man. This is a
good place, it’s fertile ground. He’s a good man that has made some
mistakes and you’re a good woman who has made some mistakes, and this is the
place where you’re going to learn how to really, really choose each other,
really, really confront yourselves, really grow together to build something
that you’re both delighted to be in.

And this weekend I really felt so much of that, just so much admiration for
my husband, so much love for him, watching him, how he is so great with our
kids and with our grandkids and our in-law kids. He’s so great with all of
them, and just the appreciation that I have for making that decision. I
will also say that some of our decisions have had consequences that are
lifelong consequences. For example, this little girl of ours who turned
three, my husband had a vasectomy and we weren’t going to have any kids
together. That was a decision but we also made the decision, not actively,
we didn’t say no we’re not going to go do that. We just didn’t. For him to
go back in and get checked to make sure that it took.

And I remember them talking about it briefly and kind of just like, “Okay,
got to file that away.” And neither of us remembered, obviously it’s not my
responsibility, it was his, but we both kind of just let it go. And then,
lo and behold, a year and a half later I’m pregnant and it was such a
shock, such an absolute shock. And so, there was a big consequence for
that, for not following through. We have a child who’s now three and my
oldest biological kid is 26. I’ve been at this game for a very long time,
as has my husband. And so, now back to these choices, one choice at a time,
a choice that we made that was very easy to make. I’ll tell you this, there
was a lot of emotion, while I was pregnant it was very challenging. As soon
as we met her, of course, just head over heels with our darling, beautiful
girl who just yesterday called me her darling mama.

She says, “Darling mama.” Oh my gosh, how can I not just adore you, she’s
just the sweetest little girl. And we made the decision to love our choice,
to love that we made that choice not to go get checked, and that here she
is and we’re going to love the heck out of her, we’re just going to love
her. She is absolutely adored by her family, we just all adore her. I only
say this because sometimes the choices that we make that we might feel
ashamed of or embarrassed about or … I remember when I was pregnant
feeling kind of embarrassed to go into the clinic at 43. What am I doing
here? That ship has sailed. It had been 11 years since I had been pregnant
and my previous ones were twins. And to be back in there I felt kind of
embarrassed and so much emotion.

What I have learned through this experience is that even these choices that
we might go, “Yeah, that’s a choice we made, that’s something we let
through the cracks. That does have massive impact, we still get to choose.
We still get to choose.” We still get to choose what we think about it, how
we feel about it, how we’re going to support ourself in it, how we’re going
to support that choice. All of us all the time are faced with decisions
that can be really challenging with big ripple effects. I want you to know
that whatever it is that you are sitting on, if you’re sitting on a
decision, the sooner you make a decision and then follow through on that
decision, the sooner you will feel peace.

It is in the waiting game, the indecisiveness that is just torture. The
sooner you get to make up your mind what you think about something, make a
decision and make up your mind. This is what I am choosing to think about
this thing. This is what I’m choosing to think about it. That’s when peace
comes. Okay? So many of us after infidelity feel like this choice was made
that we didn’t make. I felt some of that with this little girl of mine. I
didn’t choose to not go get checked, that’s his body, he didn’t go in. And
I had massive, massive consequences of carrying a baby and becoming a
mother again at 44 and it has affected my career. It’s affected everything
in my life. It’s like I can choose to be upset. I can choose to feel kind
of ripped off, which at first I did.

I was so close to being an empty nester and then you’re telling me I’m
going to start over, because my next kids, they’re now 15 years old,
there’s sophomores. Only a few years and they’re out. Or I can choose to
embrace this and choose to love, and choose compassion, and choose to just
adore this little girl. Fortunately, she makes it very easy to do so, but
you have the same ability to choose. The choices that we make aren’t
because one is easier, sometimes it is, easier than the other. Sometimes
that is the case, but most of the time any choice we make is going to be
challenging. There’s going to be challenges and we choose where we want to
put our effort. Where do I want to give? If I know that I have to work
here, like choosing to marry my husband knowing that he was a widower with
five children, picking up mine, moving to Montana, blending our huge
family, I knew it was going to be very hard, and it was, and sometimes is
on certain days.

Yet, there were so many moments this weekend, looking at my family going,
“I cannot believe what we have pulled off. Look what we have pulled off.
These kids care about each other. They love each other. They all love me
and my husband. It’s amazing. It’s a miracle, right? And it’s because we
have chosen it. We chose to go all in on it and to become the people that
can support it.” The heart of it has not changed, we have. We have, and
that is available to you too. So my challenge for you today is if there’s
something that you’re sitting on, I want you to look at what other dominoes
it would knock down for you to make that choice. What space would it open
up in your mind? What would you no longer have to think about and what new
job would you give your brain? What new task with that decision made?

The life that you want is on the other side of your next choice, go make
it. Go make it. Knock those dominoes down and watch things unfold in a way
that you can’t possibly imagine right now. Thank you, my friends, so good
to be with you today and I will see you next time. Bye-bye.

Thank you for listening to the Heal from Infidelity Podcast. If you would
like to be kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast
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