I’m Andrea Giles, and you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast,
episode number 172, Navigating Change After Infidelity.

Hello and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity podcast where courageous
women learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become
the boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves
ever. If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently
living but don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place.
Stick around to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks
off. Is it possible? It is. And I’m here to show you how I’m your host,
Andrea Giles. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

(00:50):

Hello, beautiful people. Happy, happy, happy New Year to you. I hope that
this new year is one for the books, one that you are so proud of, one that
you can look back at down the road and go, wow, look what I did in 2025.
Look how much I grew. Look at the things that I no longer was available for
and the way that I showed up for myself, how I advocated for what I wanted.
Check me out. That’s what I want for all of you in 2025. Now, why this
episode? Why today? Because I am in the midst of change myself and have had
some things come up that I want to just talk through with all of you
because I know that this is very common and I want to help you navigate it
right as I’m navigating it. So just in real time here, this last weekend, I
took my son, who is 18, almost 19, we rented a car here in Montana.

(01:59):

We drove 18 hours to Arizona. I dropped him there. I helped him get his
apartment, his very first apartment all set up, helped him with all the
things. And then last night I left my boy there and I flew home. Boy, the
tears have just calm. So many tears. My eyes are swollen. You know how you
get extra tired after you cry. I’m just kind of feeling that way today. Can
someone just tuck me in and put me to bed for a little while? That would be
great. Lots of tears. And it’s been interesting to really open up and see
what is here. Change. Change. So much change. It has been interesting to
just take a look at what comes up. And one of the things that I know that
you hear me talk about and something that we work a lot on inside my
coaching is being able to look at things as they come and set back from
them a little bit.

(03:00):

Watch your mind, watch your thoughts, and just take a step back instead of
believing everything that your brain tells you, our brains will tell us.
All kinds of things. All kinds of things. And the skill of being able to
just take a beat and just step back and go, okay, woo, this is intense and
it feels very real. And maybe just maybe there’s more to it, or maybe I’m
missing different things, or maybe I’m tired. Maybe I just need to give this
a minute. And a lot of really intense thoughts and emotions came up for me
over the weekend, and some of them are around what happened with this boy,
with his father when he was much younger. This boy of mine was eight,
excuse me. No, he was seven when we got divorced, and he was eight when his
dad died. And a lot of grief came up around that time and wishing that
things were different for this boy.

(04:02):

And the questions of, did I do okay? Is he okay? I hate that he had these
hard things happen. I hate that he had his little heartbroken and so much
change and so much moving. And it was a real gift to have the 18 hour drive
with him because we got to talk a lot about a lot of things. And I got to
hear his own opinion of lots of things and what he thinks about them. And
hearing him talk about my current husband, just say, mom, he’s my dad. He’s
my dad. I feel like he treats me like he’s my dad and loves me like my dad.
And to hear that was just beautiful. And I also know that my little boy,
God is heartbroken. I remember him crying when we told him that we were
getting divorced. I remember at the funeral being in the very front row
right in front of the casket and my sweet boy breaking down and just
sobbing and feeling so completely helpless to help him.

(05:05):

I could not change it. I couldn’t do anything about it. And I know many of
you are in situations that you feel the same, that your children are
experiencing things that you can’t help, that you can’t fix for them. And
even some of you listening might not have children. This might not be
applicable to all of you, but you do have things that come up. Absolutely. I
know that come up, that feel so big, big changes, big things that bring
these questions to the surface of, did I do okay? And I really wish that
wouldn’t have happened. And it might kind of turn the pot a little bit of
old painful things and bring you to them, revisiting them, right? This
episode is to help you navigate those things, navigate change. And it’s
ironic because as I was preparing for this episode, I was looking up
changes that can be triggering and want to know one of them that came up,
kids leaving home.

(06:06):

Isn’t that funny? That was actually one of the things listed as a major
life transition, new jobs, relocations, and one of them was children
leaving for college, leaving home. And that these things, it’s interesting.
I want to normalize that these things can open, can reopen emotional
wounds. Why? Let’s talk about why. Oftentimes when we are feeling pain, we
want somebody or something to pin it on. We want to blame somebody. And in
reality, I will take full accountability here on this one. In reality, what
if none of that ever happened? My heart would still be broken. What if none
of that ever happened? What if I was still in a perfectly happy marriage
and none of the things that happened did, and I sent the same child off
into the world? What if I still had all the heaviness and just blamed it on
something else?

(07:15):

We don’t like intense emotions. I don’t any more than you do, and we want
to pin it somewhere. We want to blame. We want to point the finger. We want
to make somebody else responsible rather than just sitting with it and
going, this is pain, this is grief, this is loss, this is change. Even if
my boy never had any of that happen and had the most ideal childhood, I
would still feel grief that my baby boy is flying the nest and that I won’t
see him every day. I won’t have him bounding in and coming to find me. Hi,
mom, giving me a big hug, wanting to show me his new tricks on the
skateboard. Even though he’s 18, he still likes to show me all his tricks
and I love it. And coming home to him not being here and adjusting to that
is big.

(08:10):

And it does feel like it’s a loss. It is. Even though my son is still alive
and well, things will never be the same. It will never be the same. So
let’s talk a little bit about these things and why change can be so
triggering and normalize it a little bit. Change can be triggering because
it can feel very vulnerable. We can feel this vulnerability in these
changing situations that leave us feeling exposed. Leave us with questions,
leave us feeling a little bit raw, and we want to hurry up and patch that
up. We don’t like it. We don’t like feeling raw. Thank you very much. And
so the sooner that we can pin it on something and feel a different emotion,
we’re going to jump all over that. Guess what? We even do this with
positive milestones, big anniversaries that we think I should be really
happy about this.

(09:13):

What the heck? They can do the same thing. Celebrations, rekindling,
romance. Like when you are really stepping into marriage 2.0 or a new
romance with somebody new that it feels good. It feels different than what
you are in. Even if it’s with the same person, it can still be quite
triggering. It’s the vulnerability, exposure, openness. I could get really
hurt here. Who can I blame? Who done it? We’re quick to want to get out of
pain. We’re quick to want to get out of discomfort, and the more that we
can give ourselves so much compassion rather than judging, and I’m going to
be so honest with you, I have a tendency, I always have to be pretty hard
on myself. And this is every bit as much for me as it is for any of you.
I’ve had thoughts like, gosh, why is this so hard for you?

(10:16):

Gosh, what’s wrong? Gosh, why? Why are you revisiting this? Why are you
going here? Right? And what I’m trying to practice is just letting it be.
It just is. It’s not right or wrong or indifferent, it just is. This is
what is coming up, huh? Interesting. Look at that. Didn’t anticipate that.
What do I want to do with it? Nothing. I want to just be aware that it’s
there. I want to be aware that this is grief. I want to be aware that this
is a loss. I want to be aware that there’s some disappointment in different
areas. It’s okay. It just is. And me trying to pin it on somebody is a
natural thing to do, but it doesn’t help anything. So what does help? First
of all, this piece of self-awareness, of recognizing it, calling it out,
recognizing it within yourself. This is grief.

(11:19):

Know what the name is of the emotion that you’re feeling. That’s an area
that I have grown in a lot over the years. Grief has a particular flavor
for me. I feel it physically in my body in a certain way. It’s this kind of
deep, it feels painful, heavy and like this deep wave, this surge. And I’ve
allowed myself to feel grief around different things enough times in
different situations that I know. It always passes when I name it, when I
recognize it, when I let it do its thing for me, this meant journaling like
crazy on the flight home. It meant lots of crying, lots of crying, talking,
sharing with my spouse, talking with other mamas who have done the same
thing. That’s what that looks like for me. Name the emotion that you’re
feeling. Sometimes we can’t predict when something might be hard. As I
mentioned, there are joyful things that sometimes can bring up a lot of
triggers. And rather than judging yourself, just be like, huh, how
interesting is this? Be curious. What is this about? I wonder how very
interesting. Get to know it. Get curious. What is this? So interesting?
Right? Next is healthy communication, sharing, talking about it without
blame.

(13:00):

Without blame. You did this. If you didn’t do this, I would not feel so
crappy right now. If you didn’t do this, this all would be different. We
don’t actually know that. As I mentioned earlier, I might feel exactly the
same as I do had none of the things happened. I might feel exactly the
same. Heck, it might be worse in different ways. Who knows, right? I don’t
know. There’s a lot of things we make assumptions about that we really don’t
even know. So I can share. I can express sadness; I can express regret. I
can express grief, loss, anything, and I can do it in a way that is open
and honest and not blaming or shaming. Next, have some grounding techniques
in your back pocket. These are tools to stay present when emotions get too
big. For me, it was doing some journaling on the way to the airport from
staying my last goodbye.

(14:09):

Big ugly crying, just big, ugly crying. And I was like, oh, who can I call?
I need to get out of this. I need to stop feeling this. And instead, for
quite a while, I just let myself big, ugly cry by myself in my car. Later,
I called my bestie, one of my very, very dearest friends. I called her up
and it was great, very helpful, but not until I just let myself be with
myself. Sometimes crying is the best grounding technique. It’s a release
moving your body, going for a walk, reminding yourself that you’re safe,
reminding yourself that this is temporary. This is a temporary emotion. I
will not always feel this way. It will not always be this intense. Okay?
Revisit old healing tools during this time. All of you that are listening,
well, not all of you, but many of you are maybe in a little bit of a more
acute stage of your healing journey and whatever you’re doing, whether it
be journaling, different techniques, mindfulness techniques, different
movements, working with a therapist, working with the coach, things like
that.

(15:24):

It might be time to double down to revisit these things that worked for you
really, really well. Let’s pull ’em out again. Great that you haven’t
needed them as often. That’s great. You know what I did today? I reached
out to a friend and a coach. I’ve met her through the coaching community.
That’s how I know her is through the coaching community. I reached out, I
said, I think I need a few sessions. I think I need to do some work here,
and we’re going to be meeting, and I’m going to be working with her a little
bit because I want to process things in a healthy way. I want to frame all
of this in a way, some of the things that are coming up in a way that helps
me to stay grounded and in love. I don’t mean in love romantically. I mean
staying in the energy of love.

(16:21):

Love for my son, love for myself, love for all the people, and not going to
a place of anger or of blame. I don’t want to go there, and so I’m calling
in some reinforcement to help me. Also, you can reach out to your partner
if you have a partner and tell them what you want. Tell them that you want
them just to listen or just to hold you. Tell them that even if you, with
my husband, it is my biological son who has been there the whole time. I
birthed him, right? He’s always been my little buddy, my little sidekick,
and he doesn’t fully understand what I’m feeling, but he doesn’t need to
respond to me with patience and with kindness and with reassurance and with
empathy. So there have been some times in the last several days where I
said, Kay, do you think I’ve been a good enough mom?

(17:26):

Because I’m kind of questioning that kind of thing. And of course, he’s
like, yes. Let me tell you about it. Being there, asking for what you need
and then receiving it. And if you’re not with somebody who can offer that
to you, a close friend, relative, mother, sister, brother, whatever,
somebody that can help you, somebody that can support you. A really
important piece here is to remind you that when you have these setbacks,
when you have these moments that go, whoa, what is this? Whoa, I was not
expecting this. It does not erase the progress that you’ve made. It does
not negate it. It does not make it not matter. It doesn’t mean, oh, it
didn’t stick. I did all this work and it didn’t stick. Not at all. You are
allowed to have setbacks. You are allowed to be human and have moments that
feel big, and I invite you to celebrate how much you’ve grown.

(18:29):

Celebrate that even. What tools work for you that you know how to manage
triggers and look at these things as an opportunity for deeper healing and
connection. An opportunity to go deeper, an opportunity to heal at a deeper
level, to understand what is the story that I’m telling here that’s
creating all this pain for me? It’s that my boy has suffered for some of the
things that have happened. What if I’m dead wrong? What if he’s better for
it? What if he’s stronger? What if he will be more prepared to face life
because of the things that he has experienced? What if that is true? These
are the things to slow down and look at. We can look at these moments, look
at the stories that we’re telling and tell them in a way that feels
powerful rather than makes us shrink. And if this is not just to lie to
ourselves, this is an honest look, but in the end, we get to tell the story
however we want. We get to tell the story in a way that serves us in a
loving, compassionate way. This means that even if my son has some hurts
that are going to appear in his life, I can let it be okay and know that
he’s got me for his mom. I’m his mom. He can come to me anytime. I will
always be here, right? Your loved ones have you.

(20:07):

Please know that you are not alone in this journey. You’re not alone in
things coming up in random spaces that feel really painful. Please know
that healing is not a one and done. It comes and goes, we heal. We make
huge progress, and then things come up that are an opportunity to go deeper,
to really face them, to really address them, and then you move to the next.
Right now to close it up, I do want to say that if you’re listening to this
and go, but Andrea, I don’t have those skills. I don’t have those tools. I
don’t know how to do those things. I invite you to apply for the Get Your
Life Back After Infidelity Program. It is my signature program. It is so
powerful. It is such a game changer for my clients. They learn how to do
this. They learn how to build their tool belt up so they know how to handle
these things so they have it framed in a way that helps them to move
forward from it rather than revisiting it and feeling trapped in the story.

(21:14):

Again and again and again. I invite you to apply. One big change that has
happened with the beginning of this new year is that now everyone who joins
my program gets two, one-on-one calls a month for the duration of the
program. It’s a yearlong program. We’re in the transformation business. We
want to help you really get deep and transform, and part of that that we’ve
added is the ability to have one-on-one calls. So it’s now a hybrid
program. It’s not just group. It’s a hybrid program where you get a call
with one of my highly trained coaches, and you’ll love these coaches.
They’re wonderful. I invite you to apply, get in, get started practice,
hear from others what’s working for them. Let’s make you the top priority
this year. You are so worth it. Alright, thank you, my beautiful friends. I
hope that this year is off to a good start for you. For those who are
listening in real time, let’s go get 2025. Alright, take care. Thank you
for listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast. If you would like to be
kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast episodes, and
other ways of working with me, go subscribe to my weekly email. You can
subscribe https://andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/. Again, it’s

3 Biggest Lies About Infidelity

I will see you next time.