I’m Andrea Giles and you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast,
episode number 147, my 10 year view. Hello and welcome to the Heal from
Infidelity podcast where courageous women learn not only to heal from their
spouse’s betrayal, but to become the boldest, truest, most decisive and
confident versions of themselves ever. If you know there’s more freedom
than the life you’re currently living but don’t quite know how to get there,
you are in the right place. Stick around to learn how to create a life that
will knock your own socks off. Is it possible? It is, and I’m here to show
you how. I’m your host, Andrea Giles. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

Welcome back, everybody. As mentioned last time, I told you that I’m coming
back to weekly. It’s been a long time since I’ve done weekly and I’m really
happy to be back. I’ve already heard from some of you saying how happy you
are with this change and I’m so glad. And for better or worse, I’m going to
be in your ear more often now. If you have things that you want me to
discuss, that you want me to cover, please shoot me an email
andrea@andreagiles.com where you can DM me in Instagram. You can find me
@theinfidelitycoach, that’s my handle.

All right, we got a good conversation today, but before I dive in, I want
to share a little bit of something fun with you. So as you know, when you
go look up a podcast or look something up, the more popular something is
the higher up in the search it’s going to be. So when people such as
yourself go search for a podcast about infidelity, the more reviews, the
more downloads, all of that, the more basically traffic that that podcast
has, the more people find it. It goes to the top of the search. I know that
there are many, many more of you that listen to this podcast than what the
reviews suggest. And so what I am going to say is that I would love for you
to go leave a review.

I want to let you know that somebody came to me recently asking me if
there’s a way to go about it where they can change their name so their name
doesn’t show up on the name of their review. And there is. And I sent the
directions to this person and she left the most beautiful review and you
can do the same, you can make up a name. So you can go search to say how to
change a name for reviews in whatever you do, Apple, Spotify, whatever it
is. So go ahead and do that. And I would appreciate it. The fun part is
that I’m going to be paying attention and for the next five people that
leave a review, if you shoot me an email at andrea@andreagiles.com and let
me know it’s you. I’m going to send you something in the mail. I am. I’m
going to send you a little gift in the mail as a thank you and I would just
love to get those numbers up. It helps so much, so much more than you know.
So go ahead, do that. The first five of you are getting a something
something in the mail.

All right, let’s jump on into today’s podcast episode. My 10 year view.
What is this about? Earlier this week I posted something. If you don’t
follow me on Instagram, go follow me on Instagram. It’s
@theinfidelitycoach, oka.? It’s easy to find. You’ll see my picture. Anyway,
I posted something earlier this week on Tuesday about how that particular
day was the 10 year anniversary of the death of my first husband, and I
shared some of my thoughts about that. If you want to go find it, go find
it, follow my account. And I posted some things about that and it has been
very, very thought-provoking to me how much traffic that post has gotten.
I’ve gotten emails from some of you who I sent out some form of it in an
email. I’ve gotten private messages. I’ve gotten all kinds of things from
people wanting to ask questions about how I’ve gotten to where I am. How do
you do that? And I want to talk to you today about this 10 year view, where
I’m at, where my mind has been from a really honest place, from a really
honest place of where I’m at in my life and how I’ve done this because I
want it for you too.

So in recent months, as in last month, I changed the structure of my
program a little bit because I was recognizing that I could speak about
some of the steps that it takes to really be able to change our view, to
really change our outlook. I could speak about it in a bolder, clearer,
more concise way. So my method is the post-infidelity growth method. It’s
all about taking this crisis and using it as a catalyst for growth. But my
method before was called the three C method. And it was the three C’s are
calm the crisis, get clear on what happened and what is happening now, and
create the life you want. And that’s great and it’s powerful and will get
you a lot of traction. But what I was recognizing is that there was a way
to speak about this in a way that was more powerful.

And so I recently introduced to my group a five part system, and it’s five
milestones. And the second milestone is facing truth. And I will have an
upcoming episode where I go over all of these milestones. I think it will
be helpful for you, especially for those of you who have been wondering
about working with me. You’ll know more about what that looks like. But in
this milestone, facing truth, it’s all about just that. It’s about facing
truth. And part of this is being able to see the holes in ourselves, the
ways that we do not know how to process things, the ways that we do not know
how to do something different than what we’ve always done even if we know
that it is wreaking havoc in our lives. So with that, I want to tell you a
little bit about how I’ve gotten here and where my mind is this week at
this 10 year anniversary.

So 10 years ago that day was, it’ll go down probably as one of the hardest
days of my life. It was a brutal. It was a brutal, brutal day. And I
remember so many thoughts going through my head, so much shock. It was very
shocking. And one of the things that was so hard for me to wrap my head
around was that he was just gone. He was just gone. There was no chance
ever again, ever, ever in this life to talk to him, to ask him questions, to
get more details about this and that, to tell him anything. He was gone. And
that part was so shocking for me and so final for me that I would never talk
to this person who was such a huge part of my life. I got married at 19. I
had gone to two years of college when I married him. I met him in my
sophomore year of college, married him that summer, followed him all over
for two different master’s degrees, a law degree, his career all over.

We had six kids together. And ultimately, you know my story if you’ve been
around for a while, I filed for divorce 16 years in. And I then got
remarried, and I want to talk about that too because that definitely plays
a part in all of this. But for me, part of that shock that day was the
stark reality that felt unbelievable that I would never see him again. I
would never have any kind of final conversation, any kind of closure,
anything like that. He was gone. And I was really sad about it. I was
really sad that the parts of him that I really enjoyed, that they were gone
too. And it was devastating to me that my children would never know,
especially my youngest ones. The last years of his life were pretty rough
and that they would not know some of those things about him that were
really great. That he was just gone.

And I remember during that time, just every single day, it felt like I had
this wet blanket on me of grief, of loss, of disbelief that this was my
reality. How is this my life? How is this my life? What happened? How many
of you have felt that, like what happened to my life? I felt that all the
time, it was always there. Like the trauma of the end of our marriage and
the way that it happened, it was really rough. There are a lot of details of
that that I do not share on this podcast because honestly it would be pretty
negative to him and I don’t think that that’s helpful in this space. But
just take my word, it was really, really rough. There was a ton of
manipulation, a ton of threats of all kinds of things. It was very, very
challenging. And ultimately, as you know, he died.

So for a long time after he died, it was just another massive low. Another
thing to wrap my head around that I didn’t know how to wrap my head around.
And in hindsight, hindsight is 2020 as the saying goes, I think maybe I
should have just given myself a lot of times to just be alone and navigate
it all. But at the time of his death, I had just started dating my now
husband. I had been living on my own for a year, divorced for seven months,
and we had just started talking. It was new. And I really liked the guy. I
really liked him. We kept talking and he was coming off of the heels of
losing his wife to cancer and we had a lot to talk about. We had a lot in
common. We enjoyed each other. We found laughter and enjoyment in each
other and all of that.

And so we kept communicating. And in hindsight, sometimes I think maybe I
should have given myself more time, but that’s neither here nor there.
Anyway, so a couple years later, we got married, we took our time, got
married and merged our families. And there’s this false belief when you make
these bold moves of leaving a marriage or I’m all in, I’m staying. I know
it, no matter what I’m saying. That it should feel different. It should
feel better, right? And I’m telling you, that was not the case with me. The
same heaviness, and I had gotten a lot better to where I could feel a lot
more joy, where I could feel a lot more present with where I was, but there
was still some grief. There was still a lot of shame and embarrassment and
just disbelief that all those things had even happened. I felt shame that I
was in the situation that I was even in, that I was a divorced single mom.

There were shame that I carried with me. And at the time, I didn’t know
what it was. I just knew that I had this heavy blanket on me that was there
whenever I wanted to pull it out. It was always there. I could just whip
that blanket out and wallow in it whenever I wanted. It was always there.
And it got lighter over time, but I still didn’t know quite what to do with
it. All the therapy that I spent so much money on, I went to retreats, I
hired the best people. I worked hard to heal. And even so it was great to
talk through things, it was great to understand some things about the
addiction model, all of that, but I still didn’t know what to do with it. I
didn’t know how to reframe the whole thing so that it felt not like this
curse that I was going to have to live with for the rest of my life, but
something that I could actually, actually use as a catalyst for an amazing
life.

And a year into our marriage, I was introduced to coaching and it totally
blew my mind and changed my life. It really, really changed my life. I
can’t overstate that. It changed my life and quickly. When I learned that I
could think about things in a different way than I was thinking about it
and learn how to do that, how to change my own mind and change my own view
and learn how to deal with all of the resistance that came up to making
changes. It’s one thing in theory, right? It’s one thing in theory to hear
a concept and go, “Oh, that’s great. Yes, that lands. I get it. Yes, I love
it”, right? Whole other thing to integrate it into our being. It’s a whole
other thing to deal with the parts of us that resist change. For example,
sometimes we really like being able to pull out that victim card and it
makes sense to us and we have people around us that are willing to just
prop that up and validate it all day long.

Yeah, he is losing the greatest thing that ever happened to him. Yeah,
what’s his problem? You need to this, you need to that. And not everybody’s
going to do that, but it’s usually pretty easy to find people that are
going to back you up and tell you what a jerk he is and oh, you poor thing,
that kind of thing. And there has to come a point where we go and now what?
Yes, all of those things, and now what? Do I want to keep hanging out in
that space or do I want to feel like a whole human who is living a full
life not in crisis mode? Just living life, just doing their thing, right?
And so when I found coaching, it taught me how to do that and how to dig
into those parts of me that wanted to go back to that space of, oh, Andrea,
poor thing. Look how hard this all is. I had to confront it head on and
look at the stories I was telling, do you want to stay here, Andrea, or do
you want to do something different? Do you want to keep thinking this or do
you want to maybe try something else on? Is this working for you? No. Okay,
let’s try something else.

And so that’s what coaching gave to me. That was the beginning of it. And
then over time, I have found areas that I want to deepen my understanding
in. Like how to really help people with infidelity, like specific to
infidelity, and that’s where I’ve done all kinds of trainings with that and
really deepening my understanding of all of that. And then I’m in the
certification that I’m in with Terry Real, where I’m going deep on so much
more. On and on and on, and I will never stop. I will never stop. I know I’m
doing what I’m meant to do. I want to be the best at what I do to be of the
highest service to the people listening, and so I will keep filling those
holes as I find them.

So for me, it’s been 10 years and I can say I am a different human. I am a
different human. I look different. I sound different. I am different. I am
different. And I feel like I’ve lived a lifetime in those 10 years because
of how much life I have lived. Part of this, for me and for you, is making
the decision that you want your life back. That you do not want to keep
pulling out that heavy, heavy blanket and throwing it on and that you are
ready to do something different. Part of it is acknowledging that there are
areas that you have avoided, that there are things that you have been
unwilling to look at because it’s too scary and it’s too painful and it’s
too risky and I might not be able to handle it.

I want you to listen to me right now. If you are sitting in front of me, I
would look you in the eye and say, you can dig up the strength to be able
to look at all of this square in the eye and not shrink. You can do this.
It’s in you. You are way stronger than you think you are. And it is
necessary. It is necessary. These deep changes happen when we really
understand that no one can do it for you, no one can do it for you. There
are no words that anyone can say to you, not him, not anybody, that are
going to make this better, that are going to just make it go away. It is
standing up, standing up tall and going, it’s me. I really hate that this
is mine, but it’s mine and no one else is going to be able to help me
navigate this like I can.

And then you call in your team. All right, this is where I’m going, who is
my team? Just side note, I want to be on your team. Put me on your team. I
can help you. Part of where so many of my clients get hung up and where I
did too is in that knowledge that you might never hear the things that you
so ache to hear. Some of you are no longer in that relationship and you’re
in new relationships and you want to hear from your past spouse that that
time with them mattered. That your life mattered, that the way that you
showed up mattered, that they appreciate you. And the really sad but
truthful piece is that you may never hear it. This person that you spent
your life with or that time with may not have the capacity right now to
tell you those things because it will feel threatening to them.

If they tell you those things, then it admits maybe I haven’t been great.
If you’re this great, then maybe I haven’t been this great. Or if you’re in
a relationship, they might be saying all the things, but there could be a
part of you that feels like he will never understand how deeply this has
hurt me. And you know what, my friends, you might be right. He might not
ever understand how deeply this has hurt you. He can try, but this is yours
to carry in the way that you do. It’s for you to feel in the way that you
do. The way that infidelity hits and the way that it feels to us is
primarily based on our own background, our own way of processing things and
there’s no way that they can understand it all. But what they can do is
help prop you up and support you while you feel this very heavy thing.

But so many of my clients get hung up on this and it slows them down.
They’re waiting for some magical words that may never come. Sabotaging the
good things that are in front of them, waiting for something that might
never come. So part of coming to terms with where you’re at is going, what
do I need to hear and why? Why do I think I need this? If I let this go and
just let it go, let it go that I don’t need to hear it, what would change?
What would be different? I saw something the other day that I’ve been
thinking about. It was talking about how instead of using the words, letting
it go, that letting it be can be a little more impactful. And I’ve been
thinking about how true that is. That we want to let something go that in
reality is already gone.

I wanted to completely let go my marriage that he was gone, all of that. He
was already gone. He was gone with no possible chance of him coming back,
right? He was gone. And I do think that a much stronger way of looking at
this is letting it be, just letting it be. It is. It just is. And there are
parts about this I will never understand and it’s okay. I understand what I
need to understand to make wise choices and to move forward with my head
high knowing that I was willing to face the truth of it all. One of the
things I said in the post and the email that went out is that I recognize
now, 10 years later, and it’s taken me some time to get here, it’s taking
me developing the very skills that I teach inside my program. I recognize
that a huge part of my healing has been growing into a more nuanced
thinker.

I really have worked hard to not be a black and white thinker. I used to
totally be on. You’re good, you’re bad. You’re this, you’re that. This is
true or not true. That was me. It’s sure not me anymore. And in the future
I’ll share a little bit more around where this has taken me in my life, in
other areas, but for now, I will just share that me being able to hold
truths, often opposing truths that he had some amazing things about him and
some parts that were really pretty dang rotten and pretty difficult and hard
to respect. I can hold those both at the same time. One does not have to
make the other wrong, they can both be true. The more that I’ve been able
to grow in this, the more I’ve been able to have compassion. The more I’ve
had more compassion, the more I’ve been able to let him be. Let him be.
Wish him well. Hope for the best for him wherever he is, whatever he is
doing.

Let be the things that I just will never have the answers to. I know for a
fact that there are a lot of things even that happened in our marriage that
I will never know. Things he was involved in, it does not matter anymore.
What matters now is I’ve worked hard to get myself back to a place of love,
love for the experience, love for the journey, love for him, love for me.
Gratitude that I’ve been able to walk the path I have, that I’ve been able
to grow from it. I’m a wiser version of Andrea. Way wiser, way wiser. I
know I would not be here talking to you. I know that I would not be here
having this conversation if I did not walk this path first.

This career that I have created has brought me so much joy and fulfillment
and satisfaction that I would never know. And I believe that for every
single person listening, there’s something for you on the other side of
this that is much bigger than the experience you’re in. It’s much bigger
than what you’re currently experiencing. It takes so much courage though to
really face it and really look at what am I still saying yes to that’s
actually a no. What am I waiting to hear that I may never hear and that I’m
resenting that I may never hear it? What if I just accepted that I might
never hear that, then what would I do? Some of you are hanging on in
marriages where you still to this day have not heard the things that you
need to hear to know exactly what the affair was about.

To know where your partner even is now, how in are they? This is part of
this facing the truth, really getting the data. And really to move forward
it’s staring this all down and going, where am I stuffing things because
I’m so afraid to bring it back up again and he’ll get mad. You’ll keep
yourself stuck as long as you prolong facing the truth. Looking at all of
it, where was I blind? Where did I join him in helping create this facade
that all was well when it really wasn’t? Where did I mute myself? Where did
I hide? Where did I stuff things down? Where did I maybe act in an
aggressive way because I didn’t know how to communicate in any other way,
right? There’s so much here. And when we can move past the emotional part
of, oh my gosh, he did this thing, I’m not to blame at all. When we can
move past that, that’s where the real work happens. Where we can go, okay,
nope, I didn’t do that, but let’s look at the whole picture here of what
actually did go down. When we can look at that and manage our own emotional
response to it, watch out, you’re going to be so powerful. So powerful.

Okay, I’m going over a little bit longer than I planned on today, but you
know what my friends, I’m going to be so bold here. If you are listening to
this episode and have been on the fence about joining. I know that there
are many of you who are listening who have been on the fence, who are like,
I keep feeling drawn to Andrea, drawn to her program, drawn to working with
her. I think she can help me. This is your call. Come work with me. This is
your call. This is the work we do every single day in our calls. This is
what we do is I help my clients grow in their ability to share this all down
and decide what they want for their future with courage, with strength, with
conviction, with clarity, with vision, with eyes to see, and hearts to feel.
I help you to come alive again and take your life back and stop waiting for
something to happen that may never come.

Please come join me. I want you in. I want you in, okay? You can find me at
andreagiles.com/workwithme. If you just go to andreagiles.com you can press
the work with me tab, the link to check out, that same page is in the show
notes of this show, okay? You can either go ahead and join or you can
schedule a consult with me. And if you join a consult with me, then I’ll
let you know more about joining as well. If you already know and want to
skip over the consult, you can do that too and just come. We’ll have a
welcome call at the beginning of the month. You get in right away, but then
we have a welcome call for all the people that joined in the previous
month.

Right now, there’s something really cool coming up that you don’t want to
miss. I’m doing a virtual retreat inside my program. It’s going to be at
the beginning of September where it’s going to be an all day event with
trainings, with some fun surprises, with some time to workshop and work
together on some deep work together live. You don’t want to miss it. So if
you’ve been on the fence, now is the time. I want the same results for you.
I want you to be able to look back at your life and go, that was a really
hard time and damn look where I’m at now. I never could have imagined my
life and how crazy strong I am. I want this for you, your capable of it.
Sit up, okay. Sit up. Know that you are capable. Know that you are worthy.
You can have an amazing life. Take the next step my friends. If it means
working with me, amazing. If not, whatever else that looks like. All right,
take care. So much love to you. I’ll see you next week. Bye-bye.

Thank you for listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast. If you would
like to be kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast
episodes, and other ways of working with me, go subscribe to my weekly
email. You can subscribe at andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/. Again,
it’s andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/. I will see you next time.