I’m Andrea Giles, and you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast,
episode number 188, More Than Actions – What We Really Need After Betrayal.

Hello and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity podcast for courageous women
learn all only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become the
boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves ever.
If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently living but
don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place. Stick around
to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks off. Is it
possible? It is, and I’m here to show you how I’m your host, Andrea Giles.
Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

(00:50):

Hello everybody. Welcome back to another episode of Heal from Infidelity.
Thank you for reviewing. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for being here
today. We are going to talk in more detail than I have in the past about
some of the things that we actually are looking for after being betrayed as
opposed to what we think we need, what our spouses or partners think we
need, so that hopefully you will be more clear for yourself of what it is
you’re looking for and for those who have betrayed so that you can have a
better understanding of the bigger picture here of what is needed and what
actually is going to be the best for you in the long haul. Okay, so stick
around. Before I jump into it, I want to just remind you that I released a
brand new masterclass recently. It is called Decide.

(01:42):

It is all about the decision to stay or go after infidelity. Even if you
are in a decision you’ve already chosen, you are already committed. If you
keep questioning, if you wonder if you sold yourself short, if you wonder
if there could have been more, or if you are settling for crumbs or if you
shouldn’t have left so fast, all of those questions, this is for you. We go
deep. We go deep in this to really understand the choice that we already
have made and where we want to maybe pivot to and what that actually looks
like from a really deep soul level. You can find it in my show notes. It’s
$47. It is a masterclass with a 38 page workbook included where you can go
in and really do deep, deep work around this topic. Go get it. Go get it.
The feedback so far has been amazing.

(02:40):

For those of you who have already gone through it, amazing and thank you
for sharing with me your insights. Okay, so why this episode? I learned so
much from my amazing clients. I learned so much and I hear their stories. I
hear both sides of the story with couples, and what happens is I tend to
find themes, things that need to be brought to the surface, things that
need to be talked about more, things that need to be understood at a deeper
level, and so then I hear these things and of course coach on them and then
wrestle with it myself, wrestle with these concepts to really deepen my own
understanding so that I can then bring it to you, and that’s exactly what
this episode is about. I know that there’s other episodes that might sound
similar, but this is going to go just a smidge deeper and maybe say it in a
way that you haven’t heard before.

(03:35):

Okay, so here we go. After infidelity, when trust has been broken, it is
very tempting to believe that if someone just does all the right things,
healing will happen. They check the boxes, healing will happen. Actions
though are never enough. They’re never enough. We need something more,
something more human and something more heart-centered. Today we are going
to talk about what we actually really need and why. Box checking, rule
following and surface level change can actually leave us feeling even more
alone if the deeper work is not happening. Okay? How many of you listening
have ever felt like I see that they’re doing the work. I see that they’re
going to therapy or coaching, that they’re checking in. Why don’t I feel
it? What is missing here? Why don’t I feel it? We’re going to talk about
that. Sometimes it’s what’s being given to you that they are missing the
mark.

(04:32):

Sometimes it is our inability to receive and sometimes it’s both. Today
we’re focusing more though on the part of the one who betrayed and the
actions that need to go deeper than just surface level. If you have ever
felt confused about why their efforts still didn’t make you feel safe, this
episode is going to help you really see it. It’s going to help you
understand. For those of you who have betrayed, this is also going to help
you understand at a deeper level your own mind, your own heart, what’s
going on for you and what you can do about it. Okay? This is going to be
good news for everyone involved this episode, so stick around, share it
with people who might find it useful, but stick around. Okay, so alright.
In part one here we’re going to talk about the illusion of box checking
effort simply isn’t enough When the motive behind the effort is about
maintaining an image or about comfort or about the fear of loss and not
genuine connection, not genuine choosing of your partner.

(05:44):

A pattern that I see is that after betrayal is discovered, many people rush
into doing the right things. They change their passwords, they cut off
contact, they go to coaching, they go to therapy. They have maybe nightly
check-ins, all the things, okay, on paper it can look really good, but look
how great I’m being. Look at all these things that I’m doing for you, but
the energy or the spirit behind the effort totally matters, okay? You need
to know, are they doing it because they don’t want to feel bad? Are they
doing it to keep their image up? Are they doing it because they think they
should do it because they’re the ones that screwed up so they need to fix
it, or are they doing it because they want to show up that way because they
really want to rebuild safety? Another thing to wonder about and to
question, I want you all listening to actually answer this question for
yourself.

(06:40):

Okay? What are the limits that you see your partner make on how far they
will go in helping you to feel safe? Do you sense resentment or frustration
when you ask for certain things? Do you sense anger? Do you sense pulling
away or trying to make you feel bad for asking a question? These are things
that are good to know. Here’s an example of what this can look like.
Sometimes my clients will ask their partners to stop, for example, hugging
other women saying, I just don’t feel comfortable because this is a pattern
of being overly friendly, overly generous, overly buddy, buddy, that has
led to trouble down the road. Sometimes my clients want them to delete
female contacts from their phone or to give up social media to not go to
lunch with somebody else That’s not you, right? And the partner maybe has
agreed to these things.

(07:40):

The betrayer maybe has agreed to these things, but harbored deep resentment
underneath blaming the spouse for the restrictions as if the spouse is
being overboard, as if the spouse is being too demanding. Sometimes it can
look like begrudgingly handing over the phone, but sighing or rolling the
eyes. It can look like being defensive about having to give travel details
or checking in on those travels regularly. It can look like treating
therapy or coaching as a checkbox rather than a place for real growth or
putting it off and putting it off saying, I just need to make sure I find
the right person. I just need to make sure it’s a good fit and using that
as a reason to not dive into their own work. Resentment here can show up
when someone feels powerless and they blame the other person for it, so
let’s say that the person who is being asked to not hug other women, they
might feel annoyed.

(08:41):

They might feel resentment because they don’t have a problem with it and
they think that they’re being made to do it and if they feel like they are
being coerced or that they just have to comply so they don’t get in
trouble, that can create some resentment. The only reason I’m doing this is
so that I don’t get in trouble, okay? The problem with this is that it is
not coming from a place of integrity. It’s coming from a place of trying to
stay out of trouble. It’s not coming out of a place of deep respect for the
safety of your partner. It’s coming out of, I just don’t want to hear about
it. I don’t want to get in trouble. What actually rebuilds trust isn’t
being forced to behave differently. That does not work. Okay. How many of
you have said, this is something that I want and they are doing it, but
there’s something in it that you sense that makes you uncomfortable?

(09:34):

Because what you really want is to see if somebody is going to freely
choose to show up in a different way, to do the things that are really hard
and uncomfortable for them. These are breaking patterns of behavior in
multiple aspects of their life. These are for the people who have always
been well liked and accommodating and have gotten themselves into a fair
situations because of that personality of just kind of being flirty, going
along with things, not wanting to rock the boat, being popular, wanting to
be liked, feeling like they’re being helpful, get attention for it, and
then find themselves in a lot of trouble, and this type of personality, it
can be very, very deeply challenging to risk people not liking you or to
risk somebody thinking something of you when you stand up for something
that they’ve never seen you stand up for.

(10:35):

Like saying, actually, I don’t hug anymore actually, I know we used to go
to lunch together and we don’t anymore. I’m not going to do that anymore. I
really want to protect my marriage, and so I don’t do that anymore. We’re
not blaming our spouse, okay? We’re not blaming. We’re saying, I am
choosing to do this. It’s watching someone freely choose from a place of
character and values over comfort because it reflects who they want to be,
not what they want to avoid. Do you hear that? It reflects who they want to
be, not what they want to avoid. Okay? Safety created by force is very,
very fragile. It doesn’t last. Safety created by choice is lasting. Safety
created by force is fragile. Safety created by choice is lasting. Why?
Because when we are choosing by force, that resentment builds and
eventually it blows my friend’s resentment turns into something else until
resentment is metabolized, it becomes like an angry monster.

(11:46):

It gets louder, it gets stronger, it turns into more choice. Choice is
self-fulfilling. Knowing that you’re doing something out of your own free
will feels completely different in your body. It is sustainable. It
actually grows. It becomes almost like feeding yourself something very
healthy for you. That over time and consistency is going to make you a
healthier person overall. Alright, part two, there’s something really
important here. We need to talk about childhood roots. Many of you
listening were modeled something that can I just wrap you all up in a big
fat hug and say, I’m so sorry. And to also say, yeah, me too, me too. Image
often was chosen over connection or safety. Their safety, not your safety.
Their safety was chosen over connection. Okay? This wound in you, a feeling
like your safety is not prioritized, is often a reactivation of old pain,
not just of new betrayal.

(12:56):

For many of us, this dynamic is not unfamiliar. It mirrors what we lived
through as children where emotional safety was sacrificed for appearances.
This can be a really big deal for many of you. Some of you experienced a
lot of really hard things, some big things as children and tried to talk
about them and were hushed or silenced and some of you had big feelings or
big thoughts or big ideas or problems with the way things were, and it ended
up confusing you to have that reality and to be told that you were wrong for
having that reality, and for many of you, it made you question yourself that
somehow you were wrong because these big people in your life were telling
you that, right? For many of you, this emotional safety that we all
desperately want was sacrificed for their own appearance, for their own
image, for their own comfort.

(13:53):

Another example of what this can look like is the families that you know
that sit on the church pews and look perfect and really work hard for that
image while dismissing the emotional needs of the members of the family or
even having abuse behind closed doors. How many of you have experienced
this where you maybe saw people where they looked perfect and you find out
something that happened, some big dark thing that happened behind closed
doors and you are shocked, they looked like the perfect family. What? I had
no idea, and you look at all of those people behind those closed doors, all
those people sitting on that church pew and go, I wonder what actually is
going on for that person. I wonder what they actually need that they’re
told they’re wrong for that they’re told they shouldn’t be thinking,
shouldn’t be feeling that there’s something wrong.

(14:45):

Okay? That’s a huge example. Another is when a parent chooses their own
safety because they’re afraid of acknowledging your pain, okay? They’re
afraid of it, and I know for me, I want to be careful with what I say here
because I very much love the people involved in this story, but growing up
I had three different dads. My first dad that passed away my second, that
was two when they got married and he left when I was five, and a new dad
that came in just before my seventh birthday, and I have very, very specific
memories of really trying to speak up and being told in no uncertain terms
that there was not room for me there and quite aggressively told that, and
I think I look back and can offer so much compassion for my mother who was
doing the best she could, who was trying to make this work after so much
heartache and I can have compassion for that while also holding so much
compassion for little girl me who learned really young that it was not safe
to tell how I felt it was not safe and that my feelings were too much and
that what was chosen was keeping that intact, that relationship over the
feelings of myself and the emotional needs of myself and my siblings, and
many of you might feel the same.

(16:12):

The infidelity might’ve touched on a wound that is similar to mine of once
again, your status, your safety, your needing to feel valuable and worthy
overrides my safety. Okay, so that can be a huge wounding. Will you choose
your comfort again or will you choose me? Real healing never comes through
managing appearances. It can’t. It can’t. In fact, I would dare to say that
real healing often messes with appearances because it’s more like
appearances be damned. I have to do this, I have to choose this, and there
will sometimes be a fallout from going all in on what we need to do to
create safety and healing for ourselves. Okay? Onto part three, the cost of
being misunderstood. Surface level effort without heart creates deeper
loneliness when someone’s doing the right action but resenting you for
needing them. You can feel it. We feel it. We can track it, right? We can
read the hostility even if the words say, I’m doing what you asked, body
language is pretty easy to spot. We can see the slight roll of the eye. We
can see the huff, we can see the, again, we’re going to talk about it
again.

(17:40):

This can look like a partner who hands over a phone but acts irritated.
What? Look, I did it. I gave it to you. A partner who limits contact with,
but jokes about it sarcastically. They say that they agree with you on
something and then make little subtle digs about you making them do it
somehow that you’re making me do this. A partner who says the right things
in therapy but doesn’t change their tone, empathy, or willingness to sit
with your pain outside the therapy. What hurts most isn’t just the
betrayal. What hurts so much after a betrayal is feeling like your pain is
an inconvenience rather than something like a sacred wound to be tended to.
Back to resentment, if someone is acting out of resentment and not love,
their good behavior becomes another betrayal and that it’s a betrayal of
emotional attunement. They’re checked out emotionally, they might be doing
the right thing, but emotionally being checked out and we can feel that and
that can feel like a betrayal too, to go, man, I mean, why not just be all
in here?

(18:51):

Why not offer the emotional side of this too? You are not crazy for sensing
if something was off even when the checklist was being followed. You are
reading emotional truth and not technical compliance, which is good, which
means that you are coming back home to yourself, which means that you are
listening to what is true. Even if it’s super uncomfortable, you are not
allowing yourself to be sacrificed in the name of keeping the peace. Okay?
Now, part four, this is really important. This part is about becoming a
safe place for yourself. We definitely need our partners. If we are staying
with our partners, we definitely need to see if they can prioritize our
safety for sure, but I’ll also say that real safety starts inside through
radical self-honesty and tenderness. It’s very, very human to want others
to prioritize your safety. That desire is good.

(19:53):

It’s not wrong, it’s good, but waiting for someone else to behave perfectly
before you allow yourself peace before you allow yourself rest will leave
you endlessly vulnerable to their shortcomings. It’s like you’ll continue
to stay hypervigilant, constantly focusing, constantly looking before you
can rest, before you can sit with yourself. Welcoming uncomfortable
emotions without needing to exile them is part of creating emotional
self-safety. Even the parts that are really painful, even the parts that
are really scary to look at, sitting with fear and anger and grief without
judgment is part of creating emotional self-safety. Parenting yourself the
way you always deserved can create so much safety within you saying, you
are safe with me. Even now, especially now, you are safe. This part in me
that I don’t particularly love, this part that I rather not even deal with
at all, I’m going to hold it now and I’m going to sit with it.

(20:58):

Now, becoming your own safe place doesn’t mean you never need connection.
It means that you can recognize healthy connection when it’s offered and
walk away when it’s not without betraying yourself. Isn’t that amazing? You
still need connection, okay, we do. We still need connection. It just means
you are not going to continue to self-betraying just to have whatever
crumbs of connection come your way. You will know if it’s the connection
that reaches your heart that’s coming from their heart. You’ll know and
you’ll know when it’s not without betraying yourself, okay, and from this
place you stop begging to be seen and you stand more firm in who you are and
what you want and what your desires are for deep true connection, but you’re
not paying for it with your own soul at your own expense. You’re not paying
for it anymore. Alright, to wrap this up, I want to drive this home.

(21:58):

If there’s one sentence that I can say of what is really being looked for,
it’s I want to know if you can prioritize my safety over your comfort, over
your impulses, over your old patterns of safety and protection. I want to
know that you are growing into somebody who can create more safety within
yourself so that you can offer more to me. I want to know that you are
willing to do the things that create safety in me for me that are very, very
uncomfortable for you because I want to know if you’re capable of it without
resenting me for it. I want to know that you do it out of your own free will
because you want to be a safe person and that you’re willing to grow your
capacity to do so more than changed behavior. You want a changed heart more
than compliance.

(22:58):

You want commitment to character more than less mistakes. You want more
presence and you want more truth, and you want more real and you want more
commitment and love and showing up the work of healing is not convincing.
Others of your worth is remembering it for who you are and then standing up
for that. So let me ask you this, where can you prioritize first your own
emotional safety? Maybe by telling yourself the truth you’ve been trying
not to feel or by standing a little taller within yourself, you do deserve
a life that’s built on true connection, that’s built on generous giving,
that’s built on both equally committed to the growth of the partnership and
knowing we are willing to go into places that are very uncomfortable for
us, for the betterment of the relationship that we are willing to face our
resentments and the things we think we are having to do and being willing
to challenge it and going, okay, either I’m willing to do this or I’m not,
but I’m not going to be resentful to my spouse.

(24:07):

That is not fair to them. So either I’m going to have the courage to say,
no, I’m not going to do this and let the consequences fall there, or I’m
going to decide from a place of choice that I want to do this because I
care about my spouse. So for those of you who are the betrayer, the one
that have betrayed, I want you to hear me and check in with yourself and
go, where have I been trying to follow a checklist and maybe been an
excellent student, but where can I go deeper? Where am I avoiding some of
these harder things because I don’t want to see it. It’s too scary, it’s
too uncomfortable. I have to deal with other people would say, if I show up
differently in these relationships in ways that I’ve always done things,
what would I have to face and am I willing?

(24:57):

Where do I feel resentment and where am I blocking myself from the choice
that I actually have and blaming it on them? For those of you who have been
betrayed, okay, check in here. What is it that you want that would actually
help you feel more safe? What is missing? Where do you feel maybe like
things are resentfully given and what do you want instead? Okay, answer
those questions for yourself, communicate them. Share this podcast episode
with each other and let’s get to work building something more honest. Okay?
Before I go, I’m going to say one more thing. I get feedback all the time
from people who have enjoyed this podcast and I am very grateful and thank
you so much for the feedback. I do want to make sure that you know though,
that the real work, the real work of really deeply integrating all of this
happens when you are working with me, okay?

(25:58):

These podcasts I know have helped so many of you in really deep ways. I’m
so glad, but when you get into my space, when you work with me in my,
there’s something different that happens because the energy is there where
I can see you, you can see me, where we can really go deep on what’s going
on for you, where you go deep, much deeper than you’ll ever see here in the
podcast, to my content to archives of hundreds of hours of coaching calls
where you can listen to people just like you and how they have been coached
through and how they are dealing with things, and you can see their
transformation right in front of you, where you’ll get to get on and get
coached, where you’ll get to have one-on-one calls where you’ll get to have
of the support as you do this work from the inside out.

(26:47):

More than just listening once a week, dropping in once a week. It’s saying,
I’m fully committed to becoming a version of myself that stands for the
highest life that I want, the highest relationships, the things that I want
in my soul, and I’m becoming the person that stands for those and I am
transforming so that I can hold the kind of relationship that I want, and
that is the work we do inside. It’s not something that I can deliver in a
podcast episode. It’s much deeper work. I invite you to go apply for my
program. The link is in the show notes, go apply, get your applications in
and come join us. Thank you so much. I will see you next time. Take care.

Thank you for listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast. If you would
like to be kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast
episodes, and other ways of working with me, go subscribe to my weekly
email. You can subscribe at https://andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/.
Again, it’s https://andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/. I will see you
next time.