Andrea: Hello and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity podcast, where courageous women learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become the boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves ever. If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently living but don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place. Stick around to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks off. Is it possible? Is. And I’m here to show you how. I’m, um, your host, Andrea Giles. Are you ready? Let’s dive in. Hey, everybody. Glad you’re here today. I, uh, have a special guest today that I’ve been really excited to have on. Luke is a coach. He is in the same space as me. I’m going to let him introduce himself. He’s in the infidelity space. He also has had personal experience with infidelity.

Andrea: He’s going to tell you all about it today in this episode and I’m hoping that it will help all of you. I in particular have men reach out to me quite a bit who wish that there was more help for men because it happens for men too, not just women. And I’m just so thrilled that Luke is going to be in this space because I know that he’s going to be able to help a lot of men as I do most of my work with women. That said, I do have some male clients, usually, um, one on one spaces. Love working with my men. But I’m happy to welcome Luke into the space. Let him tell you about himself, his experience, how you can work with him, all of those things. This is Luke Shillings. Luke is going to be sharing with us today his experience with infidelity, with being on the other end of betrayal, and kind of what his experience was with that. I’ve been so excited to introduce him to all of you. Luke is a coach and he is in the infidelity space with me as well. And he is working with men. And I thought it would be useful and helpful to have Luke on, to introduce him to all of you and to hear from his story. I’m sure that the things that he shares will resonate with all of you. So first of all, welcome, welcome.

Luke: Thank you.

Andrea: To the podcast. You’re welcome. And first of all, just tell us where you’re from, some interesting things about yourself, and then we’ll get into more of the infidelity piece.

Luke: Absolutely. Well, first of all, thank you for the introduction and thank you for having me on board.

Andrea: Absolutely.

Luke: Allow me to speak to all your lovely listeners.

Andrea: Yes.

Luke: Um, okay. Yes. So a little bit about me. I’m a 41 year old divorced father of two. I spend much of my time running. Um, as you’ve already mentioned, I’m a certified relationship and infidelity coach. So I also have been building my own business over the last year or so, helping men, you know, pretty much the mirror version of yourself. And in terms of the type of clients that I work with, um, I’m based in the UK and uh, a little town, uh, called Lincoln, just not far from the east coast. And I’ve been here all my life, always been in this sort of area. I’ve had a variety of jobs over my life. I’ve always probably defined myself as a bit of a jack of all trades. And it’s interesting, prior to sort of getting into the role in the space I’m in now, I’ve always felt like I’m not really quite sure what I want to do with my life. And only in the last few years that’s really sort of fallen into the place. And now I can confidently say that this is what I’d like to do for the rest of my life. I spent about 15 years in hospitality, customer service background. I owned a pub, restaurant and bed and breakfast for about five years and then moved into manufacturing. Always been in sort of managerial roles, always been working, you know, with teams of people and I suppose in a way coaching people, you know. I married and I met my now ex wife about 15 years ago. Um, I’d honestly, I don’t think I ever really wanted to get married. And when I was young, my parents separated when I was a very young age and bizarrely enough it was my sort of first introduction to infidelity, you know, um, that was the reason that uh, their marriage broke down. And so I experienced it from a child’s perspective, you know, sort of going through. They maintained a very, very good co parenting relationship and you know, they’ll get on well now but obviously being separate for all of that time. So I certainly saw it from that unusual perspective. I don’t think I’ve really realized the impact it was sort of have later on in life in terms of the experience it provided. And I suppose because I saw some of the pain that my, that my mother went through. I think there was this fear around getting married mainly because I

00:05:00
Luke: had this fear of getting divorced and I thought, well, if I don’t get married that uh, solves that one, you know, Right. Anyway, and then I Met my wife to be. And very, very quickly, I knew that something just changed and I knew that I wanted to marry this woman and you know, a little, probably within a year of being sort of dating, we got engaged and we got married, bought a house and then have had two children, currently six and nine. And yeah, we were married for about seven and a half years before the infidelity came into our story. And she’d started to sort of, I suppose, drift apart. But bizarrely, I don’t think I’d really noticed. And this was quite a thing for me because I’ve always been quite good at reading people, or at least I considered myself very good at reading people. And so when this first started to happen and I did start to spot some things, there was this element of paranoia. It’s like, well, how could I missed this change? How did I miss this transition from being, you know, love happily married to this now place where there’s disconnect that’s building and the affair partner was somebody that we both knew quite well. So that added an extra element into the mix and made things, you know, a little bit difficult. So in a way it felt like I was losing two people in some respects, you know, both a friend and my wife. Um, when it did come to the surface, I wasn’t prepared to just walk away from the marriage. I really wanted to try and make things work well. I didn’t really know what that was going to look like. But in the end, after some back and forth, you know, we decided that actually divorce was the only really option. She didn’t want to sort of reconcile. So that’s what we did. We then got divorced relatively quickly. A real driving force was the kids trying to sort of minimise the impact on them.

Andrea: Yep.

Luke: Because obviously they weren’t, you know, they were not responsible for anything that had happened. There’s one thing I can honestly say is that, uh, our role as parents, right from the word go in terms of the way we worked as a team was always very, very good. And you know, we complemented each other very well. And of course that’s continued since we got divorced. Um, it was also quite a good focal point in terms of actually allowing me to move forward and sort of help heal by just having that short term distraction. We can talk more about that in a bit. Um, so yeah, we got divorced, I moved out. That was the most. That was the best logistical thing for us to do to avoid disruption with the kids, schooling and a combination of other things. And I moved back to my parents or Back to my mum’s house. And then of course not long after that Covid happened. And it m meant that, you know, I wasn’t really able to sort of be. It wasn’t the ideal time to be out looking for house buying and such like. So I ended up still being here, which is perfect because it means that the kids, the kids come and stay regularly and you know, there’s plenty of space here and they get to come and see their gran and their auntie very regularly. And it’s also offered a fantastic opportunity for me to make the change in my life that I have and sort of really pursue this dream of coaching entrepreneurship and ultimately helping all the people that I can. Because I really can relate to the pain that we go through. Mhm.

Andrea: Okay, thank you. Thank you so much for the introduction, telling us about your story. So tell me in uh, like in the early days, early, you know, you found out and you were kind of hoping to work through it. What was the hardest part for you? Like early on, what was the hardest part?

Luke: I think it was interesting when it first I’d been suspicious for a while, probably about six months.

Andrea: Okay.

Luke: Um, I had actually confronted both of them separately, uh, at one stage. Not that I thought anything actually was going on specifically at that time, but just that there was. I could just see patterns and things that were emerging that I just, I didn’t feel comfortable with. Um, anyway, I was convinced by both independently that that nothing was going on, it was just a friendship and that was it. So I took a step back. However, as time went by, I still started to get these feelings. There was certain behavioral changes. You tend, you know, when you live with somebody, you tend to notice these tiny little details. Um, you know, the way that they are with their phone, maybe how they are when they come in the house and their routine, just, just minute little things which is going to be unique to everybody. So it’s not like this is the thing to look out for because I think everybody is going to have something slightly different. But when you know somebody, you know a human being as well as you do, and you know, and I trusted her more than I’ve trusted anybody ever, you know, as much as you can possibly trust another human being, let’s say. And so these things start to, you know, flag up, you know. And when it finally came out, honestly my very, very first feeling, feeling, although relatively short lived, was relief. And that was because I just realized I wasn’t going mad. Yeah.

00:10:00
Luke: Which is really how I felt. Quite a. I’d not spoken to anybody about it. Um, I kept it completely private and sort of dealt with it myself. And I mean hindsight and all, whether whether that was the best approach or not is arguable, but that is what I did at the time. And then the period immediately after it was like this decision period. And I was trying to just be as objective as I possibly could, you know, which of course is very difficult when you are literally in it, you know. But yeah, but I’ve always been quite calm and uh, even in quite extreme situations I tend to be able to, you know, control my emotions to a reasonable degree. We started straight away by just again keeping things away from the children. Um, initially there was this back and forth of are we going to make it work? Aren’t uh, we going to make it work? Are we going to make it work? Aren’t we going to make it work? And I didn’t really have any control over that. I sort of laid my cards on the table and then sort of basically put it in her hands and it. I don’t really feel that she was talking to people as much as she could have done either. So everything was closed and there was almost like nowhere to go. There’s like no escape for either of us. So then the decision was made and definitively that we were going to separate. It wasn’t practical for me to move out straight away. So I still stayed living there for about a month. Um, and we started to form a routine. So almost as though we weren’t living together.

Andrea: Yeah.

Luke: So I would look after the children for certain periods of time and take on certain responsibilities. She would do the same. So it allowed us both to go out and do things, you know, as we could and try and form that separation not just for us, but also that it wasn’t such a shock for the children when we did actually mhm finally decide to, you know, finally part uh, ways so to speak physically. The. Yeah, I think it was that lack of control. There was nothing I could do and it was almost like it happened a second time because the first was this whole buildup and I couldn’t control the affair, I couldn’t control what was happening. And then once it had come out there was then this next period of like almost decision time which I couldn’t control that either. And then obviously we did move out. I did move out. Sorry. And the next bit I really remember, which was something I hadn’t expected but I, for the first few times that the kids came to stay with me, I found it very, very difficult. Like I’M almost uncomfortable saying it, but I, I actually resented them because they were the reason that I couldn’t just draw a line in the sand, turn and look the other way, delete all the photos, you know, the Facebook profiles, disconnect and just escape in relationship where children aren’t involved. That is an option. I mean, I’m not saying, I’m not advocating that, but it, yes, is enough. It is an option. And of course it’s the easiest option just to go and, you know, just not be reminded.

Andrea: Yeah.

Luke: Um, but of course there was also this really sort of internal drive to really want to try and make it as good as we could for the kids. So every bit of time I really tried to, to divert my, my attention that way. Um, but it did take quite a while to sort of really come to terms with that because I was still seeing my ex wife, or she was still my wife at that point, but I was still seeing her regularly several times a week. You know, um, because of the physical location, I would go around after work and do the sort of the bath, tea, bed, uh, routine and she would sort of go out during that time often. Um, so it was, yeah, it was, it was strange. There was no clear cut. I think that was the real, the real challenge. That’s what, that’s probably what I found the hardest to begin with.

Andrea: Uh, a couple of things that you said are, I think my listeners will really appreciate. One of them is the initial relief that you felt, and I appreciate your honesty around that because, you know, so many of us, like, we are tracking that there’s something off and we know it, but we, you know, it can totally feel like, am I losing my mind? Like, am I, am I just making this up? And why am I typing? Maybe I’m crazy, whatever. Right. And so I think that that piece of just knowing, like, okay, yeah, I don’t like it, but at least I know, like, I didn’t make this up. It was real. And almost like even though all these things are happening that are really hard and I don’t love the answers, I think that there can be some relief in knowing I’m still with myself. Like, I’m still. I, uh, was correct. I, you know, I was tracking this correctly. And there can be, uh, a piece in

00:15:00
Andrea: that, right? A comfort in that.

Luke: Absolutely. Yes, there is. Because you, you’ve, you’ve just, you’ve just had the person who you thought you knew better than anybody else turn out not be quite the person you thought they were. So. And of course that says More in, in the moment that says more. It feels like it’s more about you than it is them.

Andrea: Yeah.

Luke: You’ve misjudged it the whole time. Yeah. It’s like, how did I get that wrong? How did I miss that? How did I not see that for all these years? Um, so when you are then essentially validated by the fact that what you were suspecting was true, then it does offer that, that short term feeling of mhm. Oh, thank God for that, you know? Yep. Yeah.

Andrea: Yep. And I think with that moving forward, as you know, for people who choose to stay, people who choose to go, they can really, really own that. Like trusting that if there’s something I need to know, I will know it, I will learn it. You know, the truth will come forward and really grounding in. I was right that time, I was correct. And I’ll know again if there’s something I need to know. Right.

Luke: Yes. Yeah. I think it’s interesting to point out you generally speaking, and I appreciate this is like a, an umbrella statement, so to speak. But you know, it’s not unusual for, for women to be able to have these conversations amongst their friends and to be able to talk about their emotions and maybe explore it in a way that the average. And again, I’m, I’m generalizing. I know, I know your guests can’t see my hands waving around at the minute. There’s um. The average guy is less comfortable doing that certainly in any kind of group setting. But when you get these, this suspicion, this almost feeling of paranoia, you know, I think a woman’s standard word for this would probably be intuition. There’s just that sense. And actually I believe that men have exactly the same. It’s just that we tend to refer to it as a gut feeling.

Andrea: Mhm.

Luke: And it’s just a slight different terminology. Yet of course you still pick up on these things and you should still pay attention to them. They might not always be right, but they’re definitely worth listening to. Yep. Um, yeah, without.

Andrea: Yep. Like it’s leading you somewhere, there’s a reason for it to be there. Like just pay attention. The other thing that you said that I really appreciate your honesty around is the resentment that you felt that you couldn’t have like this clean break. And of course I’m, I guess I’m, I’m going to assume this, but like we want to avoid things that hurt. Right. And so if you’re having this constant reminder by having to be around and oh yeah, this is happening. Oh, that’s right. Right. It Makes sense that it would be easy to be like, if I didn’t have these kids, then I wouldn’t have to. Right. It makes sense. I remember kind of feeling like I just want to sit here and feel sorry for myself for a while, you know, Like, I just want to drown in my sorrows and give myself some time, and I just couldn’t. Right. Because I had to be a mom and take care of my kids.

Luke: Right, exactly.

Andrea: So tell me how you kind of came to terms with that and where you moved into kind of an acceptance of what was for yourself.

Luke: Yeah. So I think the first thing I started doing was I. I did find a friend who, um, was a very, very good help. He was just a real natural listener and didn’t provide me with lots of advice or lots of how you should do this or any of that, you know, uh, which, interestingly known a few years down the line, you know, matches perfectly with my role as a coach.

Andrea: Yep.

Luke: And that really helped because, uh, I could sort of really just process it at my own speed because one thing that I did notice amongst people in general, once it started to come out and more people started to find out, everyone’s got an opinion, everyone’s got an. Everyone’s got an idea of how you should act, how you should feel, what you should do next, what they would have done if they were you. And of course, I know we’re all guilty of this. Of course. We all have. We. We look at all kinds of situations in life and, and you’ll see something happen. And, uh, you think, oh, well, I know if I. If I was ever in that situation, this is what I would do. Until you’re in that situation, and then all of a sudden you’ve got no idea what you’re going to do.

Andrea: Right.

Luke: How you’re going to react at all, you know.

Andrea: Right.

Luke: Unless you’ve literally practiced that same thing rep. Or you’ve got. Or you’ve got master management of your mind. It’s. The average person doesn’t know how they’re going to be in a situation like that. So I found that. I found that very difficult, um, with the exception of this one person that was really, really helpful and that I. I

00:20:00
Luke: felt like I was always questioning myself. And it’s like, well, should I be feeling this way? Should I be hating this much? Should I be doing this? Should I be doing that? Because one of the things that I didn’t find that I did was I didn’t hate my wife. I mean, I was extremely shocked, upset, disappointed. There are stronger words. But yeah, I think shock was probably the greatest thing. Above all, um, I really didn’t like that choice that was made. And ultimately that’s what it was. It was a choice. And um, but it didn’t take away everything else. It didn’t wipe the slate clean. There was still 8, well, 10, 12 years worth of relationship that had come before that, which from my memory was pretty good. So just because one bad thing happened, as bad a thing as it appeared to be, and it really was at the time, I can assure you I really felt, um, still didn’t erase everything that had come before. So the reason I say that is everyone’s expectation was almost like wipe the slate clean. Mhm. Walk away, do what you’ve got to do, get the finances, sort, draw a line in the sand, you know, all of that kind of stuff. And actually that wasn’t really my driving desire. That’s not really what I would, uh. I mean, yes, I wanted to sort out the things logistically I wanted things to be clear between us. I wanted to. I didn’t want any gray areas. I wanted to make sure everything was logistically sorted in that sense. But not for the sake of building a fence between us. Not for. To put her on one side and me on the other side. Because at the end of the day, in some way, shape or form, this woman is going to be in the rest of my life for the rest of my life.

Andrea: Yep.

Luke: Because. Because of the kids, you know, and I’m not a parent that’s going to, you know, pack my bags, jump in the car, drive off down the road, never to be seen again. And I know that I knew that she wasn’t either. So this was definitely something that we were going to have to figure out. So there was a lot of that that helped in a way. Then really my next process after that, I just started journaling, which is not something I’d ever done before.

Andrea: Okay.

Luke: And I just started just writing stuff down. And then what I realized was that I could start to see the things that I could actually control, the things that I could actually influence versus the things that I couldn’t, which was really helpful. It just sort of got things out because I’ve noticed that when something’s in your mind, you think you’re processing it and it’s there, but actually all it’s really doing is just spinning around in circles and the odd thought throws out here, there and everywhere. But it’s actually not very clear and it’s actually not that easy to organise for the average person at least. So getting it, ah, out where you can see it back, that really helps. And obviously discussing with someone who can just listen and maybe just reflect the other thing back to you, which is also really helpful. Then, um, after this sort of getting this sort of reflection stage out, I’d obviously been on the Internet and gone to Dr. Google to cure all things. Yes, um, yes, he failed. But no, not entirely. Not entirely. And I started exploring. I stumbled across this mention of forgiveness, um, multiple times. And again, it’s something that I’d not really grasped before this. I’d always thought that forgiveness meant, you know, letting the other person off the hook. Like it was all about the other person. It was all about, well, they would somehow benefit, uh, they would somehow be rewarded as a result of me saying, it’s okay, I forgive you. And after a little bit of exploration, I realized that that wasn’t the case at all. It was actually so much more about what it did for me. Because by not forgiving her, by not forgiving the situation, I was the only person feeling like crap, to be honest. Yeah. And I, I, I was the only one experiencing it. I couldn’t, I couldn’t separate myself from that at all. And it didn’t matter. Uh, I think what I noticed is when I realized it didn’t matter whether I forgave her or not, it didn’t change anything for her. Whereas when I forgave, if I chose to work on forgiving her or forgiving the situation, it did change things for me. So that was really the driving force behind that.
Andrea: Um, that’s amazing. I think something I see in my clients sometimes is whether they’re staying married or not staying married, this kind of holding on to the hurt and holding onto the pain as if it will somehow, you know, they, as long as they need to remember, they need to know how much they hurt me, like it will somehow help them in some way. And when they really see what they’re actually doing to themselves, like, I am continuing this painful experience for myself. I’m, I’m continuing to create new pain

00:25:00
Andrea: every day by staying in this place. And so I think. Yes, thank you for bringing that up. I think that we have a misconception about forgiveness. As if it’s just to mend a relationship. Right. Like just to forgive and move on and forgive and forget. And it’s just not about that. Right. It’s really what it does for you. And I think it’s one of the most loving things we can give ourselves that nobody else can Give us. Right. Because you have to choose it. You have to choose it and really own it and feel the relief of it. Right.

Luke: Yes. And I think with that, is that, uh. Is that once you realize that that’s for yourself.

Andrea: Yeah.

Luke: You start. You start to realize that everything else is for yourself as well. And so we. We play this part when we’re in the relationship is like we’re playing this. This role almost, you know, and your goal is all about trying to do the thing that’s best for your family, best for your kids, best for your. Your wife or husband, you know, relationships. And in doing that, you start to pay less attention to yourself. And this happens on both sides of the. Of the gender scale. And the. It’s like by. For. For a man, for example, you might be a case of, well, I’m going out to work, I’m earning the money, and I’m, um, doing all these things, and I’m doing the DIY around the house, and I’m sorting the financial tasks or. Or whatever it may be. The wife may have some other role that. And equally they’re all playing this part in this sort of like this balance of trying to make everything work for the whole. Which is, of course, that’s a great goal, but not when it’s at the expense of the individual. That doesn’t help, because if the individuals have got themselves lined up, got all their ducks in a row, so to speak, and you can really, you know, come from a place of unconditional love, both for yourself and the people around you, then everybody benefits anyway.

Andrea: Yep.

Luke: No. Once I realized that the best version of me was, in fact the best version that could. I could possibly offer my children, then all of a sudden, I’m actually a priority over my children.

Andrea: Ah.

Luke: Uh, you know, which. Which sounds. Which I remember to begin with sounds like a really odd thing to say. Well, now, obviously, you put your children first, Luke, and it’s like, well, actually, no, I’m going to put myself first because they will benefit.

Andrea: Yep. Like, it’s in the highest service to them for you to put things in that order. Right.

Luke: Exactly. Yeah, exactly.

Andrea: Yes. Um, a question I have for you is, what have you learned about yourself in this process? What do you know about yourself now that you did not know before the infidelity?

Luke: Okay. So, first of all, it reconfirmed a few things that I already knew about myself. Um, I wasn’t overly reactive. I mean, I had moments, of course, but. But given that the affair partner literally lived across the road from us, I managed to not go around and smash his door down and.

Andrea: Yeah, yeah.

Luke: And be. And be arrested and be arrested for assault or anything like that. I managed to keep myself restrained despite the urges.

Andrea: Yes.

Luke: Um, so I was able to, you know, keep the children, do what I set out to do with the children and be that role model and continue to be that role model. And I think on reflection, I think some of that helped from what I’d seen within my own parents and how they’d try to work things for us. So I think I always saw that and that has come. That has been, you know, reflected on me in some respects going further forward. Um, I have, I’ve been exposed to my own potential in a way that I hadn’t seen before. I always thought that I could only do things within the confines of other things. So, for example, you know, I’d always been employed and every business I worked for, I always sort of naturally rose to the top. And I mean, there were never big businesses. They all tend to be family owned, quite small. But I was always this kind of person who could sort of take on a task that maybe wasn’t necessarily my role. I’m not sure how welcome it was all the time, but always able to take on these extra responsibilities. But it was always within the confines of my role as an employee and I never really saw myself outside of that. And so, of course, coming forward, um, both in my entrepreneurial experience in the last couple of years, um, obviously I’ve seen ways in which I can grow in all kinds of directions in a business sense, but also in a personal sense. I’ve been able to explore parts of me that I’m not sure I even knew existed. Ways, um, that I see the world the way I see people. Um, what I really want from my life in terms of, you know, not just chasing that next short term goal, not chasing the next promotion,

00:30:00
Luke: not chasing the, you know, just waiting for the next thing. I’m definitely guilty in the past of saying things like, oh, uh, well, it’ll be okay when the kids are this age. It’ll be the okay the kids when they’re that age.

Andrea: Yeah.

Luke: And of course these eight. These ages come and, you know, and it’s just a new set of problems.

Andrea: Yeah, right. Yep.

Luke: Um, so, yeah, it’s almost like, oh, well, it’ll be better then. It’ll be better then. It’ll be better then. And it’s actually, no, it’s, it’s at its best right now. Right at this very moment. I’m doing the thing that I can’t. I. This. I can’t think of anything better that I’d rather be doing right now than talking to you about this.

Andrea: I love it.

Luke: Yeah, I love it.

Andrea: Such an amazing perspective. And I do think that sometimes it takes, you know, really having to stare down our life in a way that we never have before to really see the parts of us that have always been there and we just didn’t know it. Right.

Luke: Exactly.

Andrea: Yeah. So. So tell us, how’s life for you now?

Luke: Yeah. So, um, I mean, all things considered, life’s okay. Um, in fact, it’s probably better than okay. I have. I was able to work through my process of the infidelity and to really, uh, sort of come to terms with that. There was another challenging factor which came into play which we hadn’t discussed and that was the role in which the affair partner played after I moved out. Because of the sort of slightly increased interaction with the children and things like that, I found that very, very difficult to come to terms with. Uh, again, I sort of managed it as best I could and um, in the end that relationship did come to an end. Um, but even during that year that it, that lasted, it was still, you know, I had plenty of things to sort of focus on of how to get over this next bit. So there was a long session of succession. Sorry. Of new challenges, new things to try and overcome an obstacle which is just when you do that repeatedly and you intentionally try and get over them, it just builds up that resilience, um, and you just get better at it and you start to have confidence in your ability before, before you’ve even done something. It’s like, okay, yeah, this next thing that’s coming is hard, but I’m just going to do it anyway. Yep. Um, and then so interestingly enough about after they separated, another year or two went by and actually, ah, now me and my ex wife are dating. It’s still in the relatively early stages. We are uh, obviously wanting to protect the children in the same way that we always have done, you know. Yeah. Because it was difficult for them as well. I know we haven’t really spoken about that too much, but it was challenging for the kids and yeah. So it’s uh, all things considered, it’s amazing. Done. It’s done a full circle and it ended, ended me up doing, you know, I’ve now ended up doing what I’m doing as a result as well. Stranger. You’d never, you’d never, never have imagined that.

Andrea: Right.

Luke: You know, I’ve just launched my own Podcast and, you know, all these things that are just happening all because of.

Andrea: Yep.

Luke: This choice that was made, you know, a few years ago. It’s. Yeah. And I can’t complain if I’m honest.

Andrea: Amazing.

Luke: There is hope.

Andrea: Yep. Amazing. And my guess is that in this new beginning stages of, of dating again, my guess is that you’re both in quite different places than you were. Very different first time around, probably. No, no more than you did about yourselves, about what you want.

Luke: It’s completely different. Completely different. And yeah, it’s. It’s almost like dating somebody else, but with the comfort of being somebody that you already know. Ah.

Andrea: Uh, that’s so, so amazing. I love that. Well, okay, so this is going by way too fast, but we’ll wrap it up here in a bit. But I have one more question for you.

Luke: Yeah, of course.

Andrea: Actually, two more. Okay. Number one is what are you most proud of within yourself? What are you most proud of?

Luke: I think I touched on it before and that’s probably the resilience. I mean, it’s easy to say something like, well, I’m most proud of my kids and I’m most proud of these particular achievements. I’m most proud of things. But of course they’re all ongoing, fluid dynamic things, whereas the things that are with you, they tend to be more constant. So I’m proud of how I’ve dealt with the whole situation. It was extremely difficult and I’ve seen people take very, very different paths from very, very similar. Yeah. Set of circumstances. And I can only, you know, surmise that it’s just been the choices that have been made down those paths. And of course, don’t get me wrong, you know, my, My ex wife played a part in this as well. Of course, you know, didn’t have an aggressive, abusive type relationship. It was, you know, this. But yeah, I think just that, uh, it’s. It’s just given me a confidence

00:35:00
Luke: and a new look on life that I, I didn’t think I would get at this point in my life. Um, ultimately I know that it’s the choices that I’ve made that’s got me here. So I think I’m most proud of that.

Andrea: That’s pretty powerful, right? When we have things happen that are just out of our control, things that happen. But we always have a choice of how we respond. And to know that you can hold your head up high and be proud of who you’ve become through this and the traits that were already there that have been strengthened that you can really see, that’s pretty Amazing. Right. Okay, so the last thing before we go, I want you to tell everybody how they can find you, how they can work with you, learn from you. And I also want to just have you say one like something in closing to my listeners. If you could give them any advice, what would it be?

Luke: Okay. So in terms of working with me. Mhm. Or just finding out more, I’m easily accessible at my website is lifecoachluke.com I love it. Okay, nice and easy. Yep. My Facebook and Instagram accounts are ylifecoachluke. My life coach, Luke. All one word. I have, as I mentioned before, my first two podcast episodes launched at the beginning of this week.

Andrea: So exciting.

Luke: That is under the. And the podcast is called after the Affair with Shillings. Love it. Yeah. So that’s the main two ways that you can reach out and contact.

Andrea: Perfect.

Luke: In terms of passing words, if you like, to your, to your listeners is probably the most impactful thing, not only for me, but it’s also the thing that I start with when I work with clients. And anybody that’s been through this situation is start by just really getting clear on the things that you can control versus the things that you can’t control. And even if there’s a list of those things that you can’t control and that list is longer than you want it to be and you know, and it’s, and it’s, it’s difficult to look at and it’s difficult to come to terms with when you realize that you can’t control them and there’s nothing you can do about it. All of the emotional pain you feel trying to deal with that is just wasted energy. And if you can just get that so you can see it and then start to, uh, divert that energy towards the things that you can control, you will start to see changes not just around your infidelity, but around your whole life.

Andrea: Oh, uh, that’s amazing, amazing, amazing counsel advice. Thank you so much. All right, Luke. Well, thank you so much for being here. It was a pleasure. I’m so excited for you and for all the people who are going to learn from you. I’m so glad to have you in this space. Yes. All right. Thank you.

Thank you for listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast. If you would like to be kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast episodes and other ways of working with me, go subscribe to my weekly email. You can subscribe at andrea@andreagiles.com lies-about-infidelity forward/ Again, it’s andreagiles.com lies dash about-infidelity forward slash I will see you next time.