I’m Andrea Giles, and you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast
episode number 159, Is Anger Holding You Back.

Hello, and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity podcast where courageous
women learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become
the boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves
ever. If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently
living but don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place.
Stick around to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks
off. Is it possible? It is, and I’m here to show you how. I’m your host,
Andrea Giles. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

Hello, and welcome to another episode. Before I dive into the content of
today, I want to let you know, for those of you that are listening to this
in the first day or two of when this podcast is broadcast, which is going
to be on October 11th, I want to let you know that you will want to be
joining my program, if you’ve been sitting on the fence, if you’ve been
thinking about it, next week, I’m hosting my first virtual retreat. It’s
going to be all online from the comfort of your home. We’re going to spend
the day together. I will be doing some training. We’ll be doing some
workshopping. It is going to be deep. It is going to be restorative and
healing and connecting and bringing in experts on different topics that are
going to be teaching you some things that are going to help you.

If you have been looking at this, now is the time. It’s going to be
amazing, and I want to just say and own that the content of that day, that
just the shifts that you will feel in one day will set you up for the year
inside my program and make the cost of the entire program worth it in one
day. That’s my promise to you. It’s going to be really, really powerful. So
if you are listening to this, you want to get into that before next week.
For those of you who listen after that event happened, what I will tell you
is that every call that I do is recorded and when you join, you can go back
and watch all of it. You can go back and watch all of the events from that
day, but I’m just letting you know that there’s something really powerful
about being live there, feeling the energy in the room of everybody else.

All right. Now, let’s go ahead and talk about the topic today, anger. I
wanted to spend this episode talking about anger because it’s something
that comes up all the time in my coaching. People talk about being so angry
and they want to understand why they feel angry. They want to stop feeling
so angry, and so today, this episode is all about anger. And as the title
suggests, I want you to think about, if it’s holding you back, if it’s
keeping you stuck, why? Let’s dive in. Anger is an emotion that is not black
and white. Sometimes we feel anger for reasons that are really, really
useful. Sometimes we feel anger for reasons that are not, and the intention
behind this episode is for you to be able to have this resource, to sit
down and think about yourself, your own anger, self-diagnose if you will,
based on the things that I teach you today, so that you can then look at
yourself and decide what you want to do with your anger. Okay. All right.

First, I want to talk about when anger can be useful. Sometimes we feel
angry when a boundary has been violated. So for example, if we’re walking
down the street and somebody grabs at us or says something inappropriate,
does something inappropriate, or if somebody breaks into our home or breaks
into our car, not only will it feel intrusive, but we will likely feel
angry. Why? We’ll feel angry because a boundary has been crossed. It’s our
body’s way of saying, “No. No, this is not okay. No, this is not okay.”
Now, sometimes we have situations where we try to mute our own anger, where
we try to shove it down, where we try to ignore it, where we try to
minimalize it and make it our problem. There’s something wrong with me that
I feel so angry. This can happen when you have a situation when you’re in
your family or your marriage or with children where you might feel like you
continue to give and give and give and there’s not a lot being given back
to you.

Sometimes that can be angering. That can be a signal, “Hey, this is not
working for me. This is not a fair trade. I need to see more.” That anger
can be coming up to show you, it’s your body’s way of letting you know that
this is not working for you. That there’s some injustice. That there’s some
kind of thing that needs some reworking. It can be a boundary thing where
your body, the wisdom in your body… In this context right now, when I say
your body, I’m not talking about your emotional self, our emotional self.
I’m talking about our wise body, our wise soul. Anger is what you’re
feeling in your emotional self, but if there’s a message that’s there,
that’s something that is for your good, for you to listen to help you move
forward, that’s coming from your wise self. That is true, that speaks
truth.

So the anger I’m talking about here is when has been a boundary violated,
when there has been something that is not working and your wise body is
saying, “Pay attention. Pay attention. Do not look away from this. Pay
attention.” And the anger is there as a smoke signal to say, “Please pay
attention.” Another time anger can show up that can be really useful is
it’s not so much about a boundary violation as much as it is recognizing
that there is something that needs to be dealt with, something that needs
to be looked at, something that needs to be dealt with. For example, anger
may be rearing its head when somebody continues to skirt the issue, like a
situation I see all the time with my clients is at the beginning, their
spouse is all on board and talking it out and I’m sorry, and I’ll tell you
what you need to hear and I’ll be here and I’ll comfort you, and then it
goes away and they don’t want to talk about it anymore. They want it to be
over. They think it should be done.

And then sometimes my clients are dealing with anger from their spouse, and
this in turn leads them to feeling angry themselves like, what the heck?
Why is it now off the table? This is hardly over. I live with this every
single day. So the anger can be there as a persistent reminder to dig in
deeper, to fight for truth, to stand up for truth, to make sure that the
conversation is still happening, to make sure that no one’s just walking
away, sweeping it under the rug. Now, sometimes anger masquerades as other
emotions. Sometimes there are other emotions just under the surface. One of
them is resentment. Sometimes anger and resentment can feel very similar.
As a reminder, one of the reasons resentment shows up is when we are doing
for others what they can do for themselves. When we are letting others off
the hook for things that they are perfectly capable of doing.

So where this can come up, it might feel like anger. I want you to look and
see if there’s some resentment there too. This is for my people listening
who are totally taking the lead in the restoration of the marriage or of
the relationship. You’re the one like, “Okay. We need to listen to this
podcast. We need to go to this therapy. We need to read this book. What’s
my husband doing? What’s he not doing? Are we on track? Are we not on
track?” This can turn into full-blown anger because it never was yours in
the first place, so in talking about resentment, doing for somebody else,
what they could be doing for themselves, this piece, the piece where they
need to look at their part, to look at how they overrode their own
integrity to break your trust, all of that, it was never yours. It was
never yours.

And many of you are willing to partner in that into being a friend. Like,
yeah, let’s talk through it. Let’s talk about what might’ve happened and
why you were seeking that validation and what from your childhood you’ve
never dealt with and things like that. We can be perfectly willing to do
that. The issue here though is when we take the lead as if I don’t, it’s not
going to happen. If I don’t, he won’t. That’s a very different energy. How
many of you listening know exactly what I’m talking about? If I don’t, he
won’t, so I have to. Ding, ding, ding, resentment is born. I have to.
Anytime we think we have to because nobody else will, that’s a problem.
It’s a problem, and it can turn into full-blown anger.

Why is this piece holding you back? This piece is holding you back because
you are carrying more than what is yours to carry, and there are new skills
to learn here. There are new things to learn. One of the things that needs
to happen is learning how to be a better advocate for yourself in a way
that is effective. In a way that brings about change. Part of this is
taking a step back and seeing is this person going to take the lead or is
this what I’m signing up for the rest of my life being what this person,
that I have to take the lead? Because I promise you in the long run, this
is not going to work well for you. If this is the dynamic. In order to heal
this marriage, it’s on me to ride his butt, to make sure that he’s doing
the things that he says he’s doing.

That is not sustainable. It will not last in the long term. You will burn
out. The anger will consume you. It’s not what you want. Just listen to me
when I say that’s not what we want. That’s not what we’re going for here.
This is where anger can be very detrimental. Well, on the surface, the
anger can be telling. It can tell you this is what you need to pay
attention to. It feels like anger, it’s resentment. You’re so resentful that
you’re in this position, and then it can be educational, only if we do
something with it though. We have to do something about it, and otherwise
it can just turn into this poison that we’re consuming every single day.
Rather than becoming the person that recognizes the problem, like I am
doing way more than what’s mine. I’m getting madder and madder every day
more and more bitter, and what’s going to become of me and what’s going to
become of this relationship if this continues? And then you learn to do
something different. That’s where it can be useful.

Where it can really hurt you is if you notice it, if you keep feeling that
anger and keep holding that job of controlling it, managing it, where
things go, how you connect, all of that, taking on more than is yours.
That’s where it becomes a big problem, and you continue to feel angry and
ultimately, where does this lead you? To more suffering, more pain. That’s
where it leads. All right.

Now, I want to talk about another area where I see anger really holding
people back. Often when people first start my program, when they first come
into my world, and you may totally resonate with this, I think most of you
will. There’s this part of you that really wants to be the victim, and you
feel like a victim. I did not do this. He did this. He blew up my life. I
feel terrible most of the time and I have to speak to my male listeners too.
I have male listeners on here that feel very much the same. She blew up my
life. It blew up my life. My confidence is so shaken. I’m so afraid. I’m so
miserable. All of those things.

Now, most of the time when people come into my space, they feel wronged,
they feel victimized, and they want to feel better in theory. In theory,
they want to feel better. In theory, they want to get their life back.
Like, yeah, it sounds great, but there’s this part of them that is so angry
and so bitter and so pissed, and it really bruised their ego. How dare you?
That it feels very threatening to let go of the anger. They feel very
justified in holding onto the anger. It helps them feel safer. If I just
keep up this wall of anger, I’m not going to get as hurt as if I let it
down and here’s where the problem is. The problem is we don’t get down to
the healing, the restoring, the softening the connection, all of those
things. We do not get into those things when there’s an outer layer of
anger. We cannot reach them.

So I recently was coaching a client who told me that they’re just so mad
that it happened and so embarrassed by it all, she said that, “I’m so angry
and I know that it’s keeping me stuck, but I don’t want to let go of it
because I’m afraid of what will happen if I do.” How many of you relate?
And through that coaching, what this client left with is that really seeing
what happens if I don’t let go of this? What happens if I carry this? You
don’t have a shot. If there’s a shot of restoring this relationship, it’s
not going to happen as long as you are gripping anger. As long as you’re
gripping, you hurt me, and really using that to lead yourself forward, that
is not going to get you where you want to go. It just won’t.

Ultimately, what we all want and need is connection. We all need it. We all
do. And we can’t have that connection when we have a wall of anger right
there. It will not happen. So if there’s a shot of coming together, of
softening into something bigger than you ever had before, that wall has to
come down. Also, sometimes the answer is to leave and sometimes that anger
can be useful to get that job done. I remember when I was leaving my first
marriage, when I would start to feel guilty or worry about my kids or
things like that, it really helped me to go back to the actual data of the
situation and let myself feel angry about it because it gave me the momentum
to continue moving forward. Like yeah, I do not want this. Yeah, this thing
has not changed in this many years. It’s gotten worse.

That kind of thing where I could bring myself back to the actual facts.
This is what he is showing me, day in, day out. This is who he’s being. I
do not choose that. And I was able to use some of that strong emotion of
remembering the actual facts to move forward. To lead myself forward. It was
useful until it was not. Sometimes that’s the way it is with anger, it’s
useful until it is no longer useful. All right. So for you listeners, is it
still useful? Often anger is a cover for fear. If I drop this anger, what
will I have to feel? Rejection, grief, fear, all of these things. I may
also have to feel love. I may have to feel grief. I may have to lean in to
letting him in. I may have to lean into compassion, into deep
understanding.

Sometimes the anger is there because we’re afraid to go deeper. We’re
afraid of making ourselves vulnerable to getting hurt again, but please
listen to me when I say you are continuing to hurt yourself over and over
again by choosing not to. You are keeping yourself from the best things in
life, whether with the person you’re with or someone else entirely. You are
keeping yourself from your own joy, and that is what I do not want for you.

Now, when I talked with this particular client about her situation, she
said something interesting, right on the group call. She said, “I have
avoided looking at any of your content in the program because I know that
I’ll have to do something different, and there’s something that keeps me
wanting to be angry. Keeps me wanting to be reminded that you hurt me.” And
she came to this call because she’s recognizing that it’s no longer working
for her, that in order for her to really heal, she needs to go deeper.

So that is my invitation to you listeners. Check in with your anger. Is it
actually serving you? Is it letting you know if there’s a boundary
violation that needs to be repaired or better held up? Not repaired
necessarily, but a boundary that needs to be cleaned up. Sometimes it’s
teaching people how to treat you. You first treating yourself with utmost
respect and then teaching other people to do the same. Is it that? Is it a
mask for fear? Is it a cover for other emotions that you don’t want to
recognize and see? That you don’t want to feel in their full force? So
anger is a nice little shield. Is it serving you or is it holding you back?

When you are ready to let go of this anger, to go deeper and to feel new
things that are actually going to keep you moving forward, I invite you to
come into my space. It’s the work we do. We start by really going into the
emotional pain of all of it, and learning some tools and skills that are
going to help you to calibrate, to metabolize some of that pain, to not be
so afraid of it because you’ll have tools in your back pocket that are going
to help you deal with them. Somatic practices that help you right away to
feel safe that are just right there in my program.

And then when we learn to create more safety within our body, it’s time to
move into the space in my program where you are facing the truth, where you
are really looking at your situation. Or you are getting better at
collecting the data, really seeing what you need to see so that you can
move forward. So you can drop the anger. So you can really be at peace
because you know that you have full awareness of everything. You’re seeing
it all in broad daylight. It doesn’t mean you have to like it, but there’s
a lot of peace in simply knowing that you are not afraid of looking at it.
That you’ve got you. That’s so powerful.

If this resonates, I invite you to apply to be in my program. Applications
are open. It is in the show notes of this podcast episode. We have an
amazing group where we meet every week. There’s a few calls a week. I coach
on two of the three. Beth who works in my team is amazing and well-loved
and she coaches that third call. We’ll help you with all of this. All
right, my friends. Check in with your anger. Is it working for you? Is it
holding you back and what do you want to do about it? You have the power
within you today to decide to turn that anger into action. What would that
look like? Would it look like a stronger boundary? Would it look like
collaborating on what’s working for you, what’s not working for you and
handing some of that over saying, “This is no longer mine. I’m going to
give it to you.”

The thing is, if you are in that camp of caring too much of being
over-responsible for his recovery, you’ll never see how much he’s willing
to do, will you? And I know there’s fear in that. If I don’t do it, then
he’s not going to, and then what? And then I might have to get divorced or
whatever the story is that you’re telling. I’d rather you see the truth in
that than to over-function and be in a marriage where you know that it’s
not balanced. We’re play in the long game here. You need to see who you’re
with. All right, my friends. I will see you again on the next episode. Have
a great week. I’ll see you soon.

Thank you for listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast. If you would
like to be kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast
episodes, and other ways of working with me, go subscribe to my weekly
email. You can subscribe at andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/. Again,
it’s andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/. I will see you next time.