I’m Andrea Giles and you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast,
episode number 174 Influence Through Self-Leadership.

Hello and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity podcast for courageous women
learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become the
boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves ever.
If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently living but
don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place. Stick around
to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks off. Is it
possible? It is, and I’m here to show you how I’m your host, Andrea Giles.
Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

(00:49):

Hi everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome. So glad that you’re here. It’s
always fun to sit here in my office on my microphone and imagine all of
you, I imagine talking with you, and it really does bring me joy to think
about all of you listening and hopefully gaining a lot from this podcast.
Before we dive into some things, I just want to say thank you 10,000 times
to those of you who have taken the time to go into the podcast and leave a
review. It’s so fulfilling to hear from you. It brings me joy, but more
importantly than that, it helps people find me. It ranks me in the algorithm
so that people find me that I’m first, that people find when they’re
searching for help after infidelity, and that’s why I’m here, right? I’m
here to help people. I’m going to read out one Jenny in Michigan.

(01:45):

She said, I’m so grateful for Andrea and her wisdom and guidance around
infidelity and personal growth as betrayed wife. I’ve read so many books,
podcasts, individual therapy and marriage intensive retreats. None of these
hold a candle to what I’ve gained from Andrea’s podcast. She presents
strategies for healing that are easy to understand, and her compassionate
and optimistic attitude have helped me tackle the tough stuff. I’m so
thankful to have found this valuable resource and praise Andrea for her
genuine care and love that she invests in her work. Thank you so much,
Jenny, for taking the time to do that, and any of you out there who have
been listening, whether you’re new, whether you’ve been around a while, I
invite you to go into wherever you listen and leave a review. It would be
much, much appreciated, so thank you so much. This episode is influenced by
an experience that I just came out of.

(02:40):

I just got back from a trip to Miami. I went to a business conference with
other business owners, summer brick and mortar. Some are other coaching
practices, all kinds of businesses, some people having been in business for
years. Some are new, some are in the middle. The reason why I picked this
conference is because the person, the team, it’s one person and her team
that were leading this conference have been like a magnet to me. I have had
the opportunity of meeting this person in the past, in person and then have
followed her for many years, and something that I have watched her do that I
have seen her do is lead herself in really, really challenging situations
like lead herself forward and show up, show up for her people, show up for
all the business people that she is working with, show up for her kids,
show up for her husband, show up for her family with some really difficult
things that she has dealt with.

(03:43):

One being the very, very quick loss of her mother. It was very, very fast
that she lost her mom, things like that, and watching her dig deep and show
up and by her leadership, she has had a great influence on me and so many
other people, including those that were in the room with me and her
influence has helped me to really step into a higher level of leadership
within myself, really looking at how I lead and how the power that I have
to influence other people by my own leadership, and that’s what we’re going
to talk about today. Now, you all are here because you have experienced
some kind of betrayal in your relationship and many of you want to really
determine how this thing goes. You want to know what the outcome is. You
want to know if, do we get to keep the marriage?

(04:43):

I’ll do whatever. If we can just stay married or I’ll do anything. If I’m
not rejected, I’ll do anything. If I know that at the end this is going to
be the result and part of the game of life and it’s this hard part of the
game is it’s not until we really release the outcome and double down on who
we want to be, that the things start really moving, that things start
really changing and shifting, and that’s what we’re going to talk about
today. When we learn how to self-lead, how to drive ourselves forward, we
have massive influence far, far more than when we, we just are passive
bystanders watching things happen, going, I can’t help it. I can’t help it.
They’re going to do what they’re going to do and really muting and
diminishing how much authority, how power we have. First, let’s talk about
self-leadership.

(05:45):

What is self-leadership? Self-leadership is the ability to take
responsibility for your own thoughts, for your own emotions and your own
actions. Self-leadership deeply impacts others’ perceptions, including your
partners. They do. They deeply impact like this coach that I was telling you
about, watching her lead herself forward from this very difficult thing. It
wasn’t her pretending it was her being it leading herself. It was her giving
herself grace. It was her continuing to show up in a way that was respectful
of her and honoring of her. That really inspired me to follow, that
inspired me to pay her to learn more from her, to be in her space, to fly
to Miami, to learn from her for a few days and from her team, and this is
how powerful our influence can be when we are acting out of our own
self-leadership and not forcing an outcome because that’s the only way
we’ll be.

(06:58):

Okay. In this next portion, I’m going to go through some things that create
self-leadership, some of the things that have to be there in order to lead
ourselves forward. The first one is the role or the significance of
emotional regulation. A leader manages their emotions instead of reacting
impulsively and they are able to slow down their initial response. They’re
able to take a breath. They’re able to go, whoa, I am so triggered right
now. This is so intense, and because I know that I am, there’s no way I’m
going to respond to anything right now. There’s no way I’m going to react
or respond until I feel more settled because what I do or say might not be
what I would do and say when I’m more settled. There’s this piece here
that’s really important. It is the link between emotional stability,
feeling stable within yourself, being able to regulate your own emotions
and fostering trust.

(08:11):

Now, this is a big deal. I am going to go through two scenarios here. One
is when my client who has been betrayed, they’ve been betrayed, and they
are afraid to bring anything up with their spouse because they can predict
that they’re going to maybe fly off the handle and not be emotionally
regulated. It might not be that they’re throwing things or getting mad. It
might be that they shut down completely. Okay, so this creates a lack of
trust. I can’t talk about real things. I can’t really say how I feel because
I know that this person can’t handle it, that they will not be regulated,
that they will likely respond in this way. I can predict it very
predictable, and it creates a lack of trust because you can’t get to the
real stuff. You can’t have the real discussions if you know that whenever
you try, your partner or spouse falls apart, and here’s the thing.

(09:07):

It goes both ways. It goes both ways. Initially, after infidelity, the
emotions are really, really high. It’s intense. It’s really high, and over
time, what needs to happen is to be able to lead yourself forward is to be
able to grow your own capacity to hold your intense emotions without
reacting, and sometimes this looks like taking a pause. We’re going to get
a little bit more into this, but knowing when you are triggered and being
able to ground yourself, knowing when you need to offer yourself compassion,
when you need to sit with yourself, when you know that you’re intensely
seeking external support when you’re really not in a healthy way, I should
say, knowing when rather than seeking support, you are seeking validation,
knowing the difference between the two. Support being I am onto myself and
I recognize that and I need some support with this validation, meaning I
just need someone to tell me that I’m okay to really hate my spouse’s guts
and to be mad forever and to tell me that you probably won’t ever really
get over this and just someone join with me and this person ruined my life.

(10:28):

Can you just agree with me on that, that I do think at the beginning it’s
really easy to go there, but what I’m talking about is stepping into this
deeper sense of knowing of trust, of self-leadership, knowing the
difference between seeking validation and seeking support. Next, modeling
integrity and accountability. Oh, this can feel like a big one. Well,
shouldn’t my partner be doing that? But here’s the thing. This all that
we’re doing is for you. It’s for you to become a version of yourself that
you are so proud of that you are just like, man, look how I took that thing
that was so, so hard and spun it into gold. Look at me, okay? And what this
will do is it’ll help you see the whole thing so much clearer when you know
exactly what is yours and what is not yours. So living with integrity
builds credibility and inspires reciprocation.

(11:34):

Okay? We’re talking about influence here. Sometimes I have people come to
me that say that they had kind of a revenge affair. Maybe they didn’t fully
have an affair, but a revenge something and they don’t feel great about it,
and they recognize that it wasn’t their best move, but that breaks down
their own within themselves where they don’t love what they’re seeing in
themselves. And self-leadership means stepping into a version of you that
you deeply respect. So living with integrity, it builds credibility with
you, and it does inspire reciprocation. Like you can count on me that I am
going to tell you the truth. You can count on me that I will be where I say
I’m going to be, that I’m not going to go hiding away, that I’m going to be
here. And knowing that regardless of what they do, that’s who you are
choosing to be, and also knowing that we have our highest chance for
impacting those around us by doing it anyway, leading ourself forward
anyway, this is who I am.

(12:37):

This is who I want to be. Yeah, this is the outcome I want, but I’m doing
this because I want to be this person, not because I’m trying to ensure
some kind of outcome. Part of this is taking accountability for your role
in the relationship dynamics without over apologizing or self-blame. What
this is, taking an honest look at the dynamics in the relationship, the
whole landscape of the relationship going, okay, I can see how this
behavior maybe wasn’t great, that I avoided intimacy, that I avoided
talking about things that were difficult, that I went and talked to my mom
rather than talking to you, and we’re not going into this shame spiral. Oh,
I’m so terrible, and oh, I know I totally led you here and this goes for
both people involved, but I led you straight into the arms of this person.
It goes for both people though.

(13:39):

We’re not doing that. Okay? Leadership, guess what? It doesn’t take a lot
of words. I recognize that I this and this and this, and I’m going to do
better and this is how I’m going to do better, and we are modeling that.
This is how we get it done. We do not need to go into these long, I’m such
a terrible person. That doesn’t help anyone that’s still making it about
you to go to that place, and we’re not doing that anymore, right? We’re
making about us, making it about us, but in a way that is super loving and
supportive of us, not punishing of us. Alright? The next one is setting
healthy boundaries. There’s a big difference between controlling someone
else and establishing boundaries. Some examples of a boundary would be
communicating what you will and won’t accept in the relationship,
communicating what you will do if X, y, and Z happens.

(14:38):

I am going to give you a couple examples here of what this can look like.
Okay? So for example, you could say, I need honesty from now on. I expect
honesty from now on, even if it’s uncomfortable, even if it’s something
that is hard for me to hear. I cannot rebuild trust if I don’t feel we’re
being transparent with each other, right? And why this works is because
it’s clearly stating the need, honesty, and connecting it to the shared goal
of rebuilding trust. There’s a why there. That strong leadership, that
strong leadership is this is what I am going to stand for and this is why
we are pulling people in. This is not me just being a jerk. This is not me
just trying to control. This is me saying I care about both of us and this
shared goal that we have, and this is why I’m doing this.

(15:30):

Here’s another one. I need time alone after we have difficult conversations
to process my feelings. It’s not about shutting you out or punishing you,
but about making sure I respond thoughtfully why it works. It affirms the
purpose behind the request to self-regulate while assuring the partner that
it’s not about creating distance. Do you hear how powerful that is? Instead
of just disappearing for two hours and letting the other person wonder and
going, I wonder if they’re mad at me, what’s going on? What’s happening?
It’s just being very clear. You’re not trying to babysit their feelings,
but you’re showing generosity in expressing what the boundary is and why
you’re doing it to create some connection. I’ll give one more example of
this, okay? Here is an example about addressing conversations about the
affair. I’m willing to talk about what happened. I want to talk about what
happened, but I need us to choose a calm time and place for these
discussions.

(16:29):

I want to feel safe and not rushed. Okay, so you’re saying I don’t want to
have you bring something up when you know that I have a place to leave in
five minutes and then it’s unresolved and then I sit on it all day, right?
Is establishing some structure and respect around a sensitive topic,
reducing the likelihood of escalation, it’s setting you up for success. I’m
not going to bring something up to you, right? When you’re about to rush
out the door for an important meeting that I know is an important meeting,
I will not do that. Okay? And you’re asking that the other person not do
that either. That’s why that works. It’s a win-win for both involved. Okay?
Alright, now, next. After boundaries leading with vulnerability and
courage, it takes great courage to be vulnerable, yet it is necessary for
authentic connection. What this looks like is cutting through the surface
layers, cutting through pleasantries, cutting through the things that we’re
used to doing, avoiding trying to pretend like all is well when we know
it’s not, and really tapping into what needs to be discussed.

(17:48):

Really diving into what needs to be discussed and sharing our feelings
courageously and honestly. This space looks like knowing what your needs
are, knowing what your fears are, and knowing what your hopes are, and
hoping that you can inspire deeper conversations and mutual understanding by
talking about it. It can sound like I really want to rebuild, but I cannot
do this alone. Here’s what I need from you. That takes vulnerability and it
takes immense courage, and that’s partly what drives things forward. I want
to make a point here that so much of the time where we get ourself in
trouble is that we’re not deciding to show up in this way. We’re kind of
just going off the whim of whatever feeling we’re feeling that day. It’s
not as intentional, it’s not as powerful of knowing I am choosing to do
this because this is how I’m going to get the best outcome because I know
that me doing the work to be able to show in this way, there’s no way I can
lose, and this is if I have influence here, this is it.

(19:00):

If I have any influence here, it’s not going to be sitting around being mad
and pouting and getting angry and rageful. That’s not going to do it and
really being onto yourself. Okay? Now I want to talk about the ripple
effect of self-leadership. It has a ripple effect. The commitment that you
make to your own growth can influence not only the relationship that you’re
in, but future relationships, the overall dynamic of the relationship. If
you have children, your children’s relationships, they can watch you. They
can watch this change and learn a better way, okay? I want you to know that
even if your partner chooses to stay where they are for whatever reason,
leading yourself will always lead you to someplace better. It’ll always
leave you a stronger individual that’s more resilient, more able to step
out into the world really knowing what you want and not dropping your
standard for anything.

(20:03):

A few little tips that I want to drop before we wrap it up. A few little
practical tips for leading yourself. Number one, reflect on what is in your
control and what’s not. Every day, what do I have control over? What do I
not have control over? Next, set one intention daily for how you want to
show up. Who do I want to be today? Number three, check in with your values
and your desired outcomes. Check in with those. Number four, get support.
Okay? Get support for deeper self-leadership. It can be books, it can be
coaching, all kinds of things. I will say that self-leadership is one of
the core milestones in my program. It is about leading ourselves forward to
get the outcome that we want. Even if we don’t know if it’s going to be
with that person, it’s knowing that I will be okay because I am choosing to
learn how to lead myself.

(21:05):

So if you want a space where you can dive into all of this and have
constant support and help and support the coaching along the way, as you
are navigating this and growing your capacity, get yourself in my program.
Go apply in the show notes and get in the program. Alright? To wrap it up,
the foundation of any kind of influence that we have is in leading
ourselves, choosing who we want to be, your actions, your words, and the
energy that you put out there based on what you cultivate within yourself.
Create a space for change. I encourage you to take one step in leading
yourself forward this week. You have it in you, alright? You have it in
you, and again, I invite you to go check out my program. It’s in the show
notes. You can also go to my website, andrea giles.com, work with me and
there’s information there about how you can work with me, and I look
forward to being with you next time. Take care. Bye-bye.

Thank you for listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast. If you would
like to be kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast
episodes, and other ways of working with me, go subscribe to my weekly
email. You can subscribe at https://andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/.
Again, it’s https://andreagiles.com/lies-about-infidelity/. I will see you
next time.