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I’m Andrea Giles and you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast, episode number 201, How to Bring Up the Infidelity Again Without Starting Another War.

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Hello and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity podcast for courageous women learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become the boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves ever. If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently living but don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place. Stick around to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks off. Is it possible? It is, and I’m here to show you how I’m your host, Andrea Giles. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

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Hi everybody. Welcome back to another episode. I decided to cover this topic today because it’s one that keeps coming up. I keep hearing about it. I hear from my clients who were unfaithful saying, why do they have to keep bringing it up? And it just goes back and back and back and I want to move forward or people who feel like there’s something that they still want to talk about but feel like they’re going to get in trouble somehow if they do. So this one is for all of you dealing with this, whether you don’t want to talk about it anymore because you want to move forward, or whether you do want to be able to bring it up but aren’t sure how to bring it up in the way to bring it up without it causing a huge disruption in setting you back. Okay, so let’s dive on into this.

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Before I get to the meat of this topic, I will say this, we’re now 200 episodes into this podcast and I have people ask me, how do you come up with content? How do you know what to talk about? And it actually is not hard for me because I know something about this topic and that is that it is very nuanced, that there are many layers, that there are many angles and challenges and things that can happen internally with us and in our relationships that we need to talk about. And often we need to talk about them again and again and again. And this particular topic is one that can feel really, really touchy and that I don’t know that it gets enough airtime. I think that we have this idea that we’ve moved past the crisis. Maybe we’ve moved past the crisis that we’re no longer in that space of crisis, but there come times where things will come up that might feel triggering off-putting, activating, however we want to name it, and maybe we want to talk about it and don’t know how.

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Or maybe we bring it up in a way that is really explosive and that we don’t respect within ourselves and sets us backwards, sets ourself backwards. Maybe we avoid talking about it because we know that it feels uncomfortable. So what do we do? What do we do? How do we navigate when, for example, the betrayed partner brings it up again and again and sometimes in ways that feel like punishment rather than progress? What boundaries can the betraying partner set if without being seen as avoiding responsibility? What about the one who was betrayed, who might be thinking, why does he flinch? Every time I bring it up, I’m still hurting. Am I not allowed to talk about it anymore? So let’s discuss, shall we? I have a client who is really struggling with us right now. He desperately wants to move forward. He desperately wants to put energy and focus on rebuilding, and there’s some big life changes that they’re rebuilding together that’s required a lot of both of them.

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And he feels like so much work has already been done with him to really see what happened, to really see the patterns that were place and to change those patterns that he is at a place where he feels like it’s counterintuitive to keep going back, that it’s actually setting them back individually and together and he’s not sure what to do with it. Okay? This particular client did own it, took full responsibility, cut off all contact, reached out to me to work with me, has shown up to calls. All of that dug into his past, really showing up. But now it’s much later from the initial discovery day, and there still are episodes that come up that feel really jarring and explosive and can feel a little bit traumatic, like going back to this place of feeling abandoned like, am I going to be abandoned? It touches on some deeper wounds of I’m going to be left behind, and it often will come when trust will start being built.

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They’ll start to feel closer. They’ll start moving together on different things, and then this comes up and it feels a bit like a betrayal to him. I thought that we were making progress, and for those of you listening thinking too bad he caused this so he needs to just deal with it. Hear me out. Okay, hear me out. Because really if we say that we want more trust and we keep bringing things up in a way that decimate the entire relationship, decimate any ground that you have made, ground that you’re covering, it’s not actually helping anybody. It’s not helping anybody. On the flip side of this, it can be months, even years later and something can come up where you might watch a movie, you might have somebody say something to you. You might run into somebody that maybe was the affair partner or things like that that can take you back and create that same sense of panic in your body and make you go, oh my gosh, I want to talk about this.

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I want to talk about it. I want to bring it up. But I’m afraid that it’s going to set us back. I’m afraid that he or she won’t be able to handle it and will just spiral and tell me that. When are you going to let it go? When are you going to forgive me? Okay, I want to be clear about something. It is going to come up again, sometimes even years later, often in waves and unexpectedly because this is not a one-time event. It lives in the body. It lives in the body, and it gets reactivated by certain places, smells, dates on the calendar, even an expression on somebody’s face that can remind us of something else that can take us back. It is not unhealed, first of all to feel it again. It’s definitely not unhealed to bring it up again. And in reality, the betrayed partner should feel safe bringing it up.

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I want to be clear that bringing something up does not mean that you’re not being forgiving. We can know that we forgive something that we have forgiven somebody and still have that thing at times, show up and be present and may ask for our attention. So having it show up again does not mean that you haven’t forgiven the way we go about expressing that does, in fact highlight areas that we are still holding onto, whether it be resentments, things that we haven’t forgiven or just things that need to be healed within ourselves that our partners can help us with. Okay? So I’m going to give you some examples of what a conversation that could help move things forward sounds like, versus a conversation that could send things backwards. A moving forward conversation could start like this. I had a moment today where I felt really unsure.

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Again, I know you’re showing up. I know that you’re showing up in a way that I’ve never seen you before and I’m grateful for that. But I need to understand a little more about what you were feeling back then. Can we talk about it? I need to understand a little bit more about that. Okay? A moving backward conversation might start like this. You lied to me. You probably are still lying to me. You just don’t care enough about me to make me feel safe. What kind of person does this? What kind of person does what you did? You can energetically feel the difference. One, there’s a loving openness, there’s a loving curiosity. I want to understand. It’s not a you made me feel this way, so you need to sit here and answer me. The other is very much you did this to me and very demanding of you need to fix it.

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And who does this? Very accusatory, very blamey, not a lot of accountability in it. And part of the problem is that in that second example, which we all feel sometimes, I know I have felt that way. I know that I have approached conversations way before. And part of the problem with that is that there’s literally nothing that the other person can do or say when we are in that head space that can soften that we want to be right, we want to feel safe, but we’re not going to be able to receive anything that is going to create any kind of safety because we’re already walled off. We’re already fighting or blocked off in some way. Okay? The first is an invitation into connection. The second is a landmine watch out. No matter how much progress has been made, it can detonate at any moment with that second kind of approach, okay?

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One builds a bridge and the other burns the bridge. Now, please know, it doesn’t mean that we can’t rere repair, but the point is we’re trying to move forward and we’re trying to do as little damage as possible as we are moving forward. Alright? Now, let’s talk about something that we don’t talk about that much, which is boundaries that the betraying partner can set without avoiding the fear that often comes in this space. Is he going to avoid? And if he’s going to avoid, then how do I know he’s not going to avoid things in the future and do it again or find some other way to get out of being really close with me, being really honest and intimate with me. So there are ways that the betraying partner can speak, can show up in a way that is not avoidant, that’s not shirking responsibility, that’s not looking away from it.

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So hear me on this. Even if you’re the one who caused this pain, the pain of betrayal, you’re allowed to protect the progress that you’ve both made. And in the end, it’s actually a really strong move. It’s actually a really courageous move towards standing up for something better for the relationship. Boundaries are not the same as avoidance. If you’re on the other end of this, it may feel like avoidance, but there is going to be a difference in the tone, a difference in is this person trying to make me wrong for how I feel? Or is this person actually stating a boundary? Okay, so a boundary could look like this. I want to keep talking about this because it matters, but I need us to do it in a way that helps us move forward and not stay stuck in blame. Or when you’re really upset, I want to support you.

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Can we please take a break and come back to this with clearer heads? Can you give me 30 minutes? I want to come back and show up for you in a way that is clearer or I’m not okay with being yelled at or called names. I understand you’re in pain, but I need us to find a way to talk about it that honors both of us. Okay? That’s really important. I’m not okay with being yelled at or called names. I understand you’re in pain, but I need us to find a way to talk about it that honors both of us. This is really strong. And in the moment it may feel like avoidance or it might feel like some kind of a rejection because they’re not kind playing the game that you’re used to playing. They’re not buying into it, they’re not doing the thing that they usually do, and I promise you that in the long run, this is actually what you want.

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You’ll actually want somebody who is willing to advocate for the health of the relationship and not go back into the old patterns and old ways of doing things. Another example is, can we schedule a time to talk about this instead of doing it in the middle of a fight or when we’re both tired and raw? Okay? What you’re not saying is don’t talk about it. What you’re not saying is, I will not discuss this anymore. We need to move past it. Don’t bring it up. What you’re saying is let’s protect the space we’re trying to build. Let’s protect the ground that we have gained. Now, what does it look like to continue to own your part? What does that look like? It’s really important. Setting boundaries does not mean that you stop taking responsibility. If your partner is still hurting, they’re not doing it to be manipulative.

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There’s likely something underneath that needs safety, clarity, reassurance, or repair. It’s not a one and done. Did you know it’s never going to be a one and done? Never ever will it be a one and done. We’ll always be chipping away at this. We’ll always be healing and growing and different layers of different things emerge when we’re ready to face them. And so there will be things that we will need from each other forever. That’s the beauty of a relationship. Who wants to be in a relationship where you always have to go at it alone? What’s the point? Right? But there’s a way to do this while owning our part, while owning the pain that we caused. Okay, so some questions for you listening. Who did the betraying? A couple questions to ask yourself. One, am I avoiding because I’m uncomfortable or am I protecting our progress in asking for healthier communication?

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There’s a huge difference in that. Okay, answer that question honestly for yourself. Now, for the betrayed partner listening to this, I want you to know you have a right to your pain, okay? You have a right to your pain. You have a right to have moments where you’re not okay. And it doesn’t matter how far away from the actual discovery of it it is, it can be a year, two years, five years. It really doesn’t matter because time is a funny bugger. Okay? We want to put timelines on things, and in reality, when we are open to healing, there are parts can just catapult and we can grow so fast and heal so fast in some areas. But what this often does is it reveals other parts of us that also need healing. Okay? It’s not linear. It never will be linear. And so there are going to be things that come up and it’s okay.

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You have a right to ask questions even long after the moment has passed, you have the right to do that. You deserve to be heard. You deserve to be reassured. You deserve to be seen, okay? You deserve it. And sometimes we’re going to have a moment where something comes up. Let’s say you’re watching a movie and there’s some kind of thing that you’re watching on the screen that is very, very similar to what you experienced and you’re watching and you’re like, Ooh. And you’re sitting there watching it with your spouse, and you feel that yuck, you are, oh, here it is. Yuck. And you know what? You don’t have to have it all worked out in your mind before you say something, you can say, Hey, this scene is reminding me of that. Can you just hold my hand? Or could we turn it off and watch something else?

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Or you can pause it and say, I know you’ve already answered this. Can you answer it again? I’m feeling a little unsettled right now. Can you answer it again? Right? And you can move through it very quickly. It doesn’t have to be this long drawn out thing, okay? Now, what does become troublesome and what will set you back, it will set you back, is when that pain turns into punishment, especially when your partner is doing the work, you’re also risking losing the very thing that you’re trying to rebuild. I have had clients who say, I have to leave because I can’t live with being abused anymore. Where they recognize that it’s actually abuse being thrown at them. They’re being physically hurt or screamed at in ways that are just crushing to them where they know that they messed up, but they recognize that what’s being thrown at them is setting everything back and they’re not willing to take it anymore.

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And this is hurting everyone involved. It’s hurting everyone involved, and we can end up losing the very thing that we say they want when we don’t own our side of things and kind of keep ourselves in check with what we say we want. So for example, if we say that we want connection and intimacy and we are throwing out barbs where we know that we’re being mean, we’re not really standing up for intimacy, we’re standing up for protection. We’re standing up for a false sense of safety. That is never going to come from that kind of interaction, right? So when the pain rears its head, there are questions here for you to answer as well. On the one hand, bringing it up can be very healing, but weaponizing, it usually is not okay. So I want you to ask yourself, do I want to connect right now or do I want to offload my pain without any real intention of repairing?

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It may be that you are so spiraled out and you want someone to blame that this person becomes enemy number one, and you are wanting to just throw all the fiery darts of hell at this person because you’re thinking that it’ll make you feel better. And I promise you, it won’t make you feel better. And here’s the thing, you might not be in a place when you’re really activated to want to connect, and that’s okay. Own it though. Own it. I do not want to connect with this person right now. So actually what I want is some space from this person until I can get myself to a place where I actually can have a useful conversation. You’re not muting yourself. You’re not saying, I don’t get to bring this up, none of that. You’re just taking responsibility for the fact that you actually don’t want to connect and you kind of want to rip off their head in that moment.

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Probably not a great place to enter a conversation, right? And only you can know the answer to that. Only you can know. Okay? So to wrap this up, healing after Betrayal is a dance. It’s raw, it’s layered, it’s messy. It’s messy, alright? It’s an uphill climb. I’m not going to lie to you, never would lie to you. It’s an uphill climb. It’s not for the faint of heart, and it’s worth every step that you take conversations, especially the hard ones, can either be tools for connection or weapons of destruction, and both partners have a say in how they want those conversations to go. Okay? If you’re the betraying partner, you are still responsible for repair, but you are not required to be a punching bag to prove that you care. That is not part of the equation. Being somebody’s punching bag is not part of the deal.

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It will not work. It is not sustainable. There is a time, little caveat at the very beginning when that pain is so visceral and so real, almost like somebody wounded and bleeding on the ground, that sometimes reactions are going to be so raw from the betrayed partner that it can feel like you’re being obliterated. They might be saying all the things to you. No holding back, okay? This episode is not really about that time. I’m talking after the crisis has passed. I want to be clear about that. When the crisis is passed, when you are gaining some ground, okay, if you’re the betrayed partner, your pain matters. But I challenge you to look at how you are bringing it out. How are you talking about it? Are you bringing your pain forward in ways that call your partner in? Or are you bringing them in ways that are actually trying to push them away and then make you feel like you won somehow?

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No one wins here. No one’s winning. Okay? This is not about perfect communication at all. It’s about conscious communication. It’s not about getting it perfect, it’s never going to be, but it is about bringing your conscious self to the game. And the more conscious you both become, the more likely you are to build something that’s not just repaired, but way stronger than it ever was. Way stronger. That makes all of it worth it because you can look and go, damn, look what we built. Look what we have. Okay? Thank you for listening. As always, if you are ready to go deeper, you are welcome to come Join me in my Get Your Life Back After Infidelity Group. It is so powerful, so powerful. Just today, I met with one of my clients in that group and she shared with me how she did something that felt like removing a boulder from her body.

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She has grown and grown in the program to the point where she recognizes truth. She knows when something is a yes. She knows when something’s a no. She honored it, and boy, have things been pouring into her life because she was willing to honor what she knew. That is the work we do inside the group. The group is for people to recognize that there are bigger things at play here. It’s not just about the betrayal, it’s about learning how to stop betraying ourselves, learning how to trust ourselves. Again, learning how to line up our lives with the things that we want the most and growing into the person that does that. Pretty powerful. I invite you to apply. If you are a couple that you know you want to rebuild, that knows that there’s things that you want to build together. I’ve got something coming for you too.

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I’ve got something coming for you too. Keep an eye out. It’s coming soon. It’s coming soon, and I’m so excited for that. Alright, my beautiful listener, thank you again for being here. Again, one more big congrats to all of us for sticking around for now. 201 episodes. Your listening has made my podcast in the top 0.5% in the whole world, over 3 million podcasts, and this baby’s in the top 0.5%. That thanks to you. Thank you so much. In the show notes, I did something that makes it really easy for you to go review. There’s just a little button that you push and you don’t even have to go into Spotify or Apple or anything. You just push that button and you write in your review and it automatically populates to wherever you listen. So go check that out. That’s brand new. Should make it much easier for you to leave a review. So please do that. I will see you next week. Take care. Thank you for listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast. If you would like to be kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast episodes, and other ways of working with me, go subscribe to my weekly email. You can subscribe@andreagiles.com slash lies about infidelity slash. Again, it’s andrea giles.com/lies-infidelity/i will see you next time.