I’m Andrea Giles, and you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast,
episode number 183, Honesty – Your True North in Healing and Relationships.

Hello and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity podcast for courageous women
learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become the
boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves ever.
If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently living but
don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place. Stick around
to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks off. Is it
possible? It is, and I’m here to show you how I’m your host, Andrea Giles.
Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

(00:51):

Hello everybody. Welcome back to another episode. We’re going to be talking
about truth telling. Today. We’re going to go deep into truth telling.
Stick with me. You will learn some things. Hopefully it’ll help you crack
open into some things that you maybe need to see, areas where you could be
more courageous and areas that will help make your life better. So stick
around. Okay, before we get into it today, I want to mention, as I
mentioned last time, there is something coming. It is very, very close to
being all done. It is a masterclass that I have put together at a very low
cost that goes into a lot of depth about the decision to stay or go, all
the different components, different things to think about, things to really
settle into in your body and test out in your body. It’s a deep, deep
class.

(01:42):

It’s coming soon. Keep an eye out. Check the show notes. It’s coming soon.
You don’t want to miss it. Okay, so for today’s episode, we’re talking
about honesty as your true north honesty is your true north. Why this
topic? In my coaching, I work with lots of people and it’s so interesting
to see themes that come up for my clients, people that don’t know each other
coming with the same stuff, but the same things, the same things that they
need to talk about and the things that they need help with. It’s
interesting because often it mirrors things that I am personally working on
or growing in things that I am growing my own courage around and knowing
that this is a process, that this is the work that we’re doing is not a one
and done. It’s not a, now I’ve made it, now I’m good to go and I never need
to revisit this again.

(02:33):

The nature of life is that we’re going to continue to grow and we’re going
to continue having situations that we have to face that are inviting us
into our next level of growth. Like a video game, like, okay, you did that
one, and now you get to reap the benefits of growing in that level. And now
let’s go. It’s time for level number 237, right on and on and on, and it
doesn’t ever end. And what I’ve been thinking about is the courage to be
honest, and how telling the truth is pointing us towards all the things that
we want. And we’re going to dive more into that today. Okay? So first of
all, I want to ask this question for those of you listening who have been
betrayed, what if the biggest thing holding you back isn’t actually what
your partner did, what they’re not doing, but what you have not been
willing to face within you?

(03:31):

What if that is what is holding you back more is what you haven’t been
willing to face within yourself? Something that I see a lot is clients who
are just living at the mercy of their spouse and at the mercy of what they
desperately want to hear, what they desperately want to know. Did I mean
anything to you? Do I mean anything to you? Now? How could you not think of
me? Do you love this other person? Do you love them more than me? Do you
still really love me or am I the default choice? These questions that are
big, these things that are big, and the part about honesty and truth
telling is that when we turn that question inward and face ourselves, it
directs us exactly to the work we need to do. It shows exactly what work we
need to do so that we are not so beholden to the answer to whatever that
question is from our partner.

(04:34):

We want to know if we’re with somebody who loves us, yes, all of those
things. But when we put so much weight on how okay we are or how, okay, we
are not, then what happens is we avoid our own healing. We put it off, we
give the power of that to them, and we are not able to really step into our
own. We’re kind of in this dependent place. And so the question is, what is
holding you back is actually things that you need to look at yourself face
within yourself, right? These questions that maybe we’re afraid to ask but
we really do need an answer to, or maybe questions that they can never
fully answer, or questions that we are afraid to ask because we are so
afraid of what the answer is, and these things are keeping us stuck or
things that we’re afraid to say because we’re afraid that we’ll be
rejected.

(05:30):

So today we’re going to be exploring why being honest first with ourselves
and then with others is the compass that will always point you towards
freedom, towards growth, towards healing, even when it’s terrifying. And I
tell you what it is, it’s terrifying. This is the work of courage. Okay?
Alright, so first, let’s talk about the courage it takes to crack ourselves
open enough to be honest, alright? Self-honesty is not automatic. It’s not
automatic. Self-honesty requires a lot of stillness, a lot of
vulnerability, a lot of bravery. Most of us learned how to not be honest
when we were pretty young. Most of us learned that it was probably not that
safe to be completely honest. And I’m not talking about outwardly lying like
blatantly lying. I’m talking more about if we have a preference for one
thing over another, we’re going to minimize it. We’re going to shy away
from it.

(06:38):

We’re going to be accommodating. Go with the flow. Do what we need to do to
keep up the appearances, do what we need to do to maintain some semblance
of control, pretending we’re fine when we’re not putting up masks. And
many, many, many of us have done this for years and years. I know that I’ve
shared this before. It’s a very kind of silly example of this, but I’m
going to share it again because I remember this lesson when I was in fifth
grade going to a friend’s house, her mom asking me, she had leftover
spaghetti and leftover lasagna. Andrea, what do you want? Oh, whatever.
Either one’s fine. Andrea, which one do you want? Really? I’m okay with
either one. Either one is great. Finally, she says, Andrea, there’s going
to be a time in your life when somebody’s going to ask what you want.

(07:28):

You don’t answer. They choose for you and you’re going to get something you
don’t want. And it’s interesting as I think about that woman, the mother of
my friend, and knowing that shortly thereafter she filed for divorce, and I
wonder what was going on in her life that she was able to say that so
boldly and so wisely to me. But I remember it. I remember it right? I would
much prefer lasagna over spaghetti any day of the week. I love lasagna, but
I didn’t say it because I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to have
them have thoughts about me being high maintenance. And that Andrea, she’s
kind of picky. And so honesty can feel very scary. And most of us, just
like this example, have developed from a very young age, ways that we don’t
tell the truth, ways that we hide our own feelings, and often ways that we
hide our own feelings from ourselves.

(08:27):

I can’t tell you how many people I have coached who have no idea what they
want because it’s been such a long time since they’ve even been able to
feel safe enough to ask themselves that, right? We are not able to share
truth with somebody else that we haven’t yet owned ourselves. And it takes
a lot of courage to crack our so open and look and examine and see,
alright, it’s hard. It takes a of courage. One thing that I have seen again
and again that I’ve been a witness to in real time in my coaching calls is
times where I have coached clients through this, where I walk them through
to their point of truth, where they say the truth, where they have their
breakthrough, where they know, where they recognize it, where they’re like,
that’s it. That is the truth. And then the relief that ensues, even if it
means they have to do something with that truth, it’s relief, it’s clarity.

(09:27):

Even if it’s hard to see, there’s some relief in it and going, okay, this
is it for me. This is the truth. Okay? Why is it so risky? Being honest
with others. Often sharing our truth with a partner can feel like an
emotional free fall, and we just hope we don’t crash on the ground. We hope
somebody catches us. We can fear rejection. We can fear conflict. Many of us
have been programmed to think that conflict by itself is bad and that we
should avoid conflict. I have a very different opinion on that. I think
that conflict is actually where we can tell the truth and that it’s in the
repair piece that we are able to come back together. But the conflict is
often the truth telling. That’s a good thing. Sometimes we are afraid of
being too much. We’re afraid of being rejected. We’re afraid that the other
person’s going to be defensive, that we’re going to crack our hearts open
to share and that it’s going to be rejected. But withholding truth, it
creates distance, it creates resentment, and it creates self-abandonment.

(10:38):

Isn’t that sad? That’s the cost. It creates distance, resentment and
self-abandonment. We are abandoning ourselves when we are not telling the
truth. A true authentic connection with anyone can only be possible when
both people show up as they really are. And boy, is this an act of courage.
Boy, is this an act of courage. When we recognize that we would rather
honor ourselves and risk having people judge and make up stories about us,
but that we can’t not be honest anymore. That takes incredible courage. But
sometimes we don’t do that and self-abandon and we know it, and we feel that
and we shrink within ourselves because we know it. Here’s some examples of
honest things that people can say, I’m afraid that I’m not going to survive
this pain. I don’t know. I really don’t know if I can trust again. I don’t
know, but I’m going to try, but I don’t know if I can.

(11:47):

These are the things that I truly need, even if I’m so scared to say it, I
am so afraid to say, but these are the things that I actually need. Okay?
There’s some examples of telling the truth. I don’t know. I want to trust,
but I don’t know if I can. I’m trying to learn if I can right now, I want
to touch on an important piece here that might be hard to hear, but stick
with me. Okay? Stick with me. Something that I see a lot and that I see it
within myself, that I see that I have been complicit in this myself in my
former years is many betrayals before the big one. There’s the big betrayal
of infidelity, the shattering, we can’t look away. Betrayal, right? Can’t
look away. But there’s often many, many, many betrayals that happened
before that on both sides of the fence.

(12:50):

Infidelity rarely happens out of nowhere, like in a vacuum long before that
moment. Most relationships are experiencing a series of mini betrayals on
both sites. And what do these look like? Many betrayals are subtle moments
where we abandon honesty, where we withhold connection or where we act out
of fear rather than truth. Okay? So for example, here’s an example. Many
people are willing and eager to be sexually intimate with their partners at
the beginning of the relationship. They’re excited about it, they want it.
They seem to have an insatiable appetite. And then over time, that piece
goes down and there’s less of a desire. Now, sometimes there is real
biology involved of having children, having kids, the busyness of it, the
lack of sleep, things like that. But I’m talking more about the lack of
desire because we don’t really like our partner because we resent them,
because we don’t feel supported by them, because we’ve been hurt by them,
because we feel disconnected, because we don’t feel totally safe. Really
giving it up, really letting it all go for this person, and in many
betrayals, is withholding intimacy without communicating why I’m just going
to withhold this and then put this mile high wall up and it’s your fault.
But I’m not going to tell you why.

(14:37):

Sometimes we agree to something to keep the peace, but it feels misaligned.
Maybe we agree to moving somewhere or a career change or some other
decisions that we say, sure, I can be accommodating and then later realize,
no, actually no. Or even in the moment we feel misaligned with it, but we
agree to it and kind of be like, I can suck it up. I can figure it out. I’ll
figure it out. And knowing that it feels off, knowing that it feels
misaligned. Sometimes we fail to express needs or desires or
disappointments because we don’t want to rock the boat because we don’t
want to be too much because we don’t want to, whatever, ruffle feathers,
and these are little mini betrayals because we’re not even giving the other
person the opportunity to grow to say, Hey, okay, I want to meet you there.
Sometimes I can say this about myself and my first marriage, I did vocalize
the things that I wanted.

(15:42):

I talked about it, I shared, and over time I kind of pulled back on that
because what I learned is that it was like some of it would be given. And
then the very often, it literally was the very next day where the hammer
would come down and there was some mean thing that happened or a new
betrayal, something new. And so I kind of learned that I almost felt
punished for asking for things like he would give it, and then there would
be the other shoe dropping. And that’s where this takes so much courage. It
takes so much courage to tell the truth. And no, I can’t control how this
person responds. And that’s where I just started putting up a wall because
the trust wasn’t there that I would even be heard. Sometimes we pretend
that everything’s fine when we’re really not fine, when we actually aren’t,
when there’s something that’s really chewing us up and eating at us, and we
are pretending.

(16:43):

And these moments are often self-betrayal first. Why? Because we’re
suppressing what’s actually true that we’re not okay, and then they become
relational betrayals because we’re not offering our partner the full
picture. We’re not sharing the whole picture. We’re not giving an
opportunity for a given and take to work together to fix it. When we don’t
tell the truth in the small things, the big rupture can feel inevitable.
Silence creates a gap. And unfortunately, that gap gets filled with
assumptions, distance, and eventually disconnection. I’m going to read that
again. As I was putting this together, putting my notes together, I was
thinking about the earth. I was thinking about a tiny, tiny, tiny little
crack, like a tiny little, tiny little rupture, tiny. And then over time,
it’s either so many ruptures that the ground can’t hold anymore, or one big
rupture that just corrects everything open, massive destruction.

(17:54):

Going to read this again, when we don’t tell the truth and the small
things, the big rupture can feel inevitable. Silence creates a gap, and
that gap gets filled with assumptions, distance, and eventually
disconnection. And where that disconnection goes is sometimes people opt
out; they don’t verbalize it. They go make different decisions outside the
marriage. And then there’s this big, big, big rupture right now. I want to
make sure you know that this is not about blame. Oh, it’s not about blame.
We are all doing the best we can. All of us came by these patterns,
honestly. Okay? It’s not about blame. It’s about recognizing how powerful
truth telling is in keeping relationships alive and vibrant and real. Even
if those truths are painful, it shows a commitment. It shows a commitment.
It’s like, I care enough. I’m invested enough to tell the truth. And for
you, my listeners, especially those of you who are still collecting data
and trying to figure out what you’re going to do, which I’m telling you
when this class comes out, this masterclass, you’re going to want to go
grab it right away.

(19:19):

It will help you so much with this. But your north star is going to be like
your way through is going to be tapping in. First of all, looking inward,
what is real? What is true for me? What do I know? What do I not know? What
do I know? But pretend not to know. Where am I really actually clear, but
pretend not to be clear? And why am I hiding what I know? It’s often
because we’re so afraid of the fallout and sharing what we know, right? It’s
scary and it is the way through. It is where you’re going to learn to
respect yourself. Again. It is where you are going to learn. Get back to
yourself. Self-trust, who you are, what matters to you, what doesn’t matter
to you. What am I about? This is where this trust is rebuilt. Now, often we
hit a brick wall.

(20:22):

When we avoid truth, when we aren’t fully honest, we shrink ourselves to
fit into what feels safe. We avoid intimacy, we avoid growth, and we even
limit our own healing potential. We are living out of alignment with our
true needs, which can then lead to exhaustion and confusion and continuing
to feel stuck. Okay? I’m going to drop a truth bomb here. Listen up. For
those of you who feel stuck, what if you’re not stuck at all? What if
there’s a truth that you’re avoiding? And your way to get out of being stuck
is by facing that truth. What is it? What is it that you need to face?
Okay, now, honesty, the bummer here, the kicker, honesty doesn’t guarantee
anything. It doesn’t guarantee an outcome externally with other people, but
it does guarantee clarity and it guarantees alignment. And I can’t think of
anything more satisfactory than living in clarity and alignment with
ourselves.

(21:38):

Truth allows growth. Truth allows growth. When I was doing some research
and putting my notes together for this, a quote came up that I thought was
a little cheesy, but I’m going to share it anyway. Okay? It says, truth is
like the sun. It might be blinding at first, but it allows everything to
grow. Okay? A little cheesy, I dunno about you, but sometimes I think quotes
can be a little cheesy. But I love me a good quote. This one though, when
you think about it, sometimes the truth burns, like facing it within
ourselves, seeing it, feeling it, knowing it, like really going, oh, there
it is. Oh, there it is. That’s the truth. But it allows everything to grow
facing it. The pain of it is what busts everything open. It’s what allows
us to get out of being stuck, of being stagnant. Turn to it.

(22:40):

Okay? Alright, to wrap this up, truth is our true north. It’s our anchor in
chaos and our guide in uncertainty. Now, I want to talk really quickly
about one little nuanced piece of this. Alright? In my life, I am turning
48 this year. And something that I have learned that’s very interesting is
that I used to think that there was black and white, that there was one
thing that’s true and one thing that’s not so help me, that that’s the way
it is. It’s just black and white. And the more I learned, the more I learned
that there’s so much nuance. There’s so much gray area, there’s so much that
there aren’t easy solutions to. So I’m just saying that when you recognize
your truth, it can be your truth. For today, you did not have to hold
yourself to that forever and ever until you die.

(23:37):

Okay? It can be true for you today and it can be enough to get you moving.
And as you get moving, we, what might happen is something that you really
felt like you needed. For example, for today, this is something I really,
really, really need for my spouse. As you get moving and talking about that
and growing and healing, that need actually might completely fall off as
you heal. Isn’t that interesting? You might not need it anymore. It may no
longer even be true for you. So what is true for you as you’re listening to
this, can be true for you today. And that is enough. That is enough wisdom
being wise is allowing yourself to evolve and grow and allowing truth to
shift, allowing yourself to grow and morph and evolve. Okay? But facing
what is true today, what do I know that I don’t want to know?

(24:39):

What do I know that is not working for me and why do I keep tolerating it?
What do I know that I’m not saying? What do I feel that I’m not sharing?
Okay, that’s your path. It’s your path. I invite you, my dear listeners, to
take one small step journal, okay? Journal, share a truth with your
partner. If you don’t have a partner, share it with yourself. Share with a
friend. And then I invite you, I want you to pretend. I know many of you,
many of you are my clients, but many of you, I’ve never met you. And I do
need to say, some of you have sent me beautiful emails saying Thank you for
this work, and thank you so much. And if I have failed to respond, I’m
very, very sorry I get behind on my emails, but please know that I read
everyone and they mean the world.

(25:39):

I want you to imagine me energetically sitting by you. I’m with you. I am
with you. You’re facing a truth. You’re feeling all of the discomfort that
comes with it. You’re scared to see it. You’re certainly scared to share it
with anybody, and I want you to imagine that I’m there and that I’m
witnessing you and that I’m sitting with you and holding you in it, allowing
the space to be there. I’m like a container that’s helping to contain this
and help you hold it. And I’m with you. And to take it one step further, if
you want to send me an email with the truth that you have faced by
listening to this episode, send me an email. Okay? Send me an email. I do
read every single one. I read every one. I have great intentions, always of
responding back, and I’m not perfect at it, but I do read everyone. So if
you want to share, if you want somebody to share with, I’m happy to be that
person. Alright? Alright. Thank you for being here. Thank you for
listening. Go lean in, lean into what’s true for you, and I will be with
you next week. Take care.

(27:03):

Thank you for listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast. If you would
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3 Biggest Lies About Infidelity

. Again, it’s

3 Biggest Lies About Infidelity

. I will see you next time.