Hello and welcome to the Heal From Infidelity podcast where courageous women learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become the boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves ever. If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently living, but don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place. Stick around to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks off. Is that possible? It is, and I’m here to show you how. I’m your host Andrea Giles. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

(00:42)
Hello everybody. Welcome. Welcome to the podcast. Okay. So today we’re going to talk about resentment. Resentment can be a beast. It can feel really terrible, really heavy. Sometimes can feel like a heavy bag that we’re carrying around. And sometimes it feels like it’s going to sear you, burn you straight through. It can be heavy. Okay. I decided to focus a whole episode on resentment because I’m seeing a lot of it in my clients and I want to help you navigate it. I see it in myself sometimes too, and it feels awful. Okay. What is resentment? So the queen of emotions, Ms. Brené Brown defines resentment in this way. Resentment is the feeling of frustration, judgment, anger, better than and or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice.

It’s an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they’re based on things we can’t control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react. Okay, so today we are going to deep into this, okay? So rather than going through this in a kind of boring lecture style of what to do with resentment, I want to have some real talk with you of real clients and how resentment rears its head and the destruction that it can cause. Infidelity, as you probably know if you’re listening, can be massive breeding grounds for resentment. You may think that I mean from the person who was cheated on to board the person who cheated, but that is not correct. I see it coming from both sides.

Now to honor the privacy of my clients, I’m going to change some details for some of the scenarios I’m about to share, but these are based on real situations, real clients. Client number one is a woman who feels very burned by her husband’s choice to step outside the marriage. She resents that she is hurting and blames it on him. She resents that he could go out and seemingly have himself a merry little time while she is being the responsible, faithful one.

(03:02)
She resents that she has to work so hard to heal while he doesn’t seem to be doing enough. But going back to Brene Brown’s definition, what is really going on here? She is thinking that he wins and she loses. He broke their promises to each other to have what he wanted and she is stuck with what she doesn’t want. And she fears that she will never get what she wants. This same person knows that she doesn’t like many things about the current situation. She knows that she is asking for crumbs. She wants so much more, but she’s afraid that if she really speaks up, he will think she is too much and leave her. She so mutes and downplays what she wants that she often even hides it from herself because it feels too painful to really look at. She thinks, what’s the point? What’s the point of even going there? I probably won’t ever get it. And then she often resents him for it.

She looks at him and resents him because it sounds like he gets to have his cake and eat it too. He went and had his fun at my expense. Now there’s this huge mess to clean up and I am still here cleaning up the mess. Okay. Now let’s look at her husband. Okay. Like I said, I am speaking from real life examples here. I work in my one-on-one practice with both men and women. In general, I work with women whose partner or spouse has been unfaithful, but more men are wanting to work with me to become the better version of themselves that doesn’t need to step outside their marriage ever again. Okay. So I’ve been working with men and hearing some of their thoughts and some of their struggles. And it’s been really eye-opening and fascinating to me to understand the minds of both partners.

Okay. So back to the scenario, the husband in the picture, is sincerely remorseful. He hates what he has done to his wife that he loves. He feels a great deal of shame around it and wonders what is wrong with him. He is open and willing to do what it takes to fix the marriage. He sincerely tries to communicate with his wife, but almost every time they talk, it turns into a fight. It’s like a ticking time bomb. When will something I say blow this bomb up cause some kind of reaction?

(05:24)
He starts to learn that if he says how he really feels and it is not what she wants to hear, she will argue with him and tell him how selfish she is being, how he is not validating her, et cetera. It can get very messy, very quick at this point. And it’s easy to see why people just throw up their hands in despair and call it quits. Okay. What becomes more and more evident is that he loves his wife, but he also resents her. He does not blame her for the infidelity. He knows that those choices were his own but he begins to see that before the infidelity happened, there were big parts of him that he felt were unacceptable to her. And he feared that letting her really see those parts would cause her to react or to shut down or to dismiss or that she was too busy to hear about those parts, to really pay attention to him, too busy raising the kids and volunteering and working and all the things.

So while he wishes he did some big things differently, he recognizes and he can see that he resented her before the infidelity. And now he is resenting her because he still feels like he doesn’t really have grounds to ask for anything since he hurt his wife and their marriage so much. He doesn’t feel like he is allowed to have things he needs or wants. And when he is brave and says something he wants, he may be met with contempt or feel dismissed and the resentment builds and round and round we go. Okay. Now, of course there’s going to be lots of different variations of this scenario. Okay. But where does it apply for you? Unless something changes in this example above, this marriage will most likely not make it. And it’s not because of the infidelity.

It’s because they come to so deeply resent each other and get into a gridlock to where they both believe that the only way out is to get a divorce. Neither of them feel like they can have what they want. Neither of them feel safe asking for what they want. And neither of them are really advocating and owning what they want. My friends, there is a way through this. There is a way through this. And that is what I want to spend the rest of this episode focusing on. First of all, how do we know if it’s resentment we are feeling or if it’s something else?

(07:44)
One way to spot resentment is by looking at what we need or what we think that we want that someone else has that we think we can’t have. Okay. So for example, if your husband comes home from work and sits down for a little bit to rest, maybe scrolling through his phone, maybe he’s watching something and you also just got home and you feel pressure to make dinner, to hang with the kids. You may resent him because you too would like to rest, but you think that you can’t.

and then you blame it on him. Okay? You too would like a little downtime. He can have it, but I can’t is your thought. Ding, ding, ding. There’s some resentment. Okay, that’s where you’re going to notice it. Where else does it show up? He doesn’t have to be worried about me being on my phone, but I have to watch him like a hawk and I resent him for it. I never wanted this job. I have to pay to help myself because of what he did. I have to pay for therapy. I have to pay for coaching.

And he’s not helping himself at all. And I resent him for it. Now, while that may make sense to have those thoughts, it is not useful. It will not help you get where you are going. In fact, it will get you nowhere fast. Okay. So what else is available here? Why can’t you have it? Why can he have it and you not? Okay. So I’m going to give you a few pointers here of how to navigate this.

Instead of judging someone and thinking they are doing it wrong or wishing that they would be doing something else instead, it is far more productive to ask, what do I need that I’m afraid to ask for? So for example, you can be mad that your husband came home and parks it on the couch and be like, what the heck? Why does he get to do that? And I can’t, and we might judge them for it and think that it’s messed up and think that they’re wrong. When in reality, it’s not that we’re judging what they’re doing. It’s more that we think that we can’t do the same. It’s more that we’re thinking that one of you gets that advantage and one of you does not. Okay. So it’s far more productive to ask yourself, what do I need that I’m afraid to ask for?

(10:06)
This moves you from playing the role of someone helpless to her circumstances, to taking full ownership and emotionally handling any real or perceived backlash you may get for honoring what you want. So for example, if the woman wants to rest a little bit after work, she can boldly say to her husband, Hey, can we trade off nights where we make dinner? I would really like to rest after work. I need it to, or maybe we can get the kids to watch a show or do some kind of activity for 30 minutes when we both get home. So we can both give ourselves a little bit of time and then we can both jump in and take care of dinner and kids and chores and all of that together and bedtime and all the things. Okay. All right. Next example, you can resent him because you are paying to get help and why isn’t he, or you can own that you actually want him to help pay for it. Maybe you want him to pay for all of it. Okay. You can have a conversation instead of saying, I want this help and I have to pay for it now. I didn’t need this before. Now I do.

You can go and say, I want this help. This is what I think is best for me. This is how much it costs. I’d like you to pay for it. Or I’d like you to pay for half, whatever. Okay. If that is not an option, another option that will help you get out of resentment is really owning your choice. You don’t have to have the help, right? You’re all very capable. You’re all resourceful. Okay. It’s more that you want it, that you think it’s best for you that you think that it will help you move forward. are owning it. You’re owning that the benefit of spending the money is going to actually get you where you want to go. And you’re owning that whole experience and you’re probably going to get more out of it if you own it rather than thinking that I have to do this because he made these choices and now I’m stuck with this. You’re going to get more out of it if you own it and really want to be there.

Okay. Now another big way that resentment rears its ugly head is when we do things for others that they can do for themselves. When we take on more responsibility than what is actually ours. Okay, so let’s go back to my male clients that I’m talking about, okay? It’s just too easy to blame everything on them. They did this big bad thing, so now I can by default just make all the problems that ever were or ever will be his fault because of this thing he did, okay?

(12:32)
And probably my best friend and my mother and my sister will back me up. Okay. Here’s the truth. My friends, he likely feels the sting of his choice. He likely knows he majorly messed up. He likely knows that he caused a lot of pain. He hates it. He feels shame about it, but he also knows deep down that there are things that he has felt hurt by, but now he doesn’t feel like he can share any of them because of the hurt that he caused.

He takes all the responsibility for every problem that ever was, okay? This also is not healthy because it just isn’t real. And it’s the breeding grounds for resentment. He also has wants and needs, you both do. He doesn’t feel allowed to speak up though. He feels fully responsible for what kind of day you are having. If you’re having a bad day, he is making himself responsible for that when in reality, we are in charge of our own emotions. They are our still not theirs. Okay. They are ours. And while it can be very tempting to hand that over and say, you caused all this havoc. So now I need you to do all of these things to make me feel better. And you don’t really get a vote here, right? That’s easy to understand. But again, it’s not going to get you where you need to go.

If you are in this kind of gridlock where it’s like, you don’t get to defend yourself. You don’t get to say anything back to what I say because you did this big bad thing. It’s going to create problems that you don’t actually want. In the short term, it might feel good. It might feel like you have a little bit of power and control. In the long term though, it’s not going to get you the relationship that you want. If we don’t learn to own our own stuff, while healthily giving back to the other person what is actually not ours to carry, like their choice to step outside the marriage, it’s not ours. We can just get stuck in a downward spiral of resentment. Okay, so my friends, when you start to feel resentment creep in, I want you to check in with yourself with these questions. What do I need that I do not think I can have or ask for? Why don’t I think I can have them? If I did believe that I could, what would I ask for?

(14:52)
What am I afraid of asking for? What am I thinking is going to happen? What am I doing for someone else that they can do for themselves? It is far better to let the people around you feel the discomfort of their own growth and stepping up their game and honesty than you doing it for them and resenting them for it. Okay. So if you’re doing things for other people that you really don’t actually want to do, and you’re trying to avoid the conflict, confrontation, whatever of like really saying, I don’t want to do this anymore. I want you to do it. And then they’re uncomfortable. And then you’re uncomfortable because they’re uncomfortable. Would you rather keep doing it and feel resentment towards them and honestly thwart their growth or would you rather let them have their own growth, take responsibility for their own growth and learn to be somebody who owns their own stuff and takes responsibility for their own stuff, right?

We’re looking at the long game here. What do I want and not want to do? Honesty, responsibility. It’s your life. Ask for what you want, own what you want. Okay. Would you rather grow a new marriage that is about one being morally superior to the other and then having both parties resenting each other? Or would you rather build one where you are equals, truly equals, where each owns, where they contributed to some of the issues that created a system where infidelity happens, okay? Would you rather build one where you’re equals, where you each own what is yours fully, but there is so much honesty that resentment just isn’t a thing. There might be discomfort, there might be moments of conflict, but resentment isn’t there. Where each one owns what they want and need and makes it happen.

So a quick example that happened this very day for me is I used to have a cleaning service that would come and help out every other week. As you know, I have lots of kids, lots of people coming and going all the time. We have 12 children, three grandchildren. Some of our adult children live locally. Two of our grandchildren live local. They’re about an hour away. We have six kids that live at home. Five of them are teenagers. And if any of you listening have teenagers, my gosh, are they messy?

(17:18)
Right? Holy smokes. Are they messy? And they all have chores. They all have things that they do. But even still, I just never really feel like my house top to bottom is just clean. And I had this cleaning service and they became short staffed, this and that. And so I lost the service and haven’t had anything like that for several months. I own my own business. I work a lot. I have a baby that’s almost a year old, know, busy husband, all the things.

And I have noticed myself feeling resentful at my family that they’re not more helpful. Like, come on, get it together. Come on, you can do more. And I decided that I can ask for the things that I want. I can hold that line and have consequences when people don’t follow through with like the standard of what kind of standard I want in my home. But I can also support myself. I can honor the things that I want.

And I can make myself worthy of those things and just make it happen. I don’t have to excuse it. I don’t have to have a good enough reason. Right. And so this very day I had a new cleaning service owner come and give me a bid and we’re going to start up again. It’s been several months. I’m starting up again and I’m taking responsibility for that. It’s something that I want. And you know, I can coach an extra client. I can do different things, right. To help pay for it.

It’s something that I want. So I’m making it happen. It feels a whole lot better than sitting here, resenting my family for being messy. Right. So I’m looking at the long game going, okay. Relationships, the relationships matter a lot more than being right. So yeah, my family, can enforce the rules. We can enforce all of that. And I can also support myself at a higher level. We all can win. Okay. So my friends, what do you really want?

It may temporarily seem like a good idea to want him to grovel, to be your personal yes man, but is that really what you want long-term? My listeners who were unfaithful, do you want to be the yes man at your own expense? In muting how you feel, muting what you want, this is the time to be more honest than you ever have been. It takes a tremendous amount of courage because we always risk rejection.

(19:44)
Someone saying no can feel very scary. If somebody says no, actually I don’t want to do that. But think about this scan out to the long game. Would you rather have a marriage that is based on real and honest truth, even if sometimes painful or one that is propped up on half truths and resentment and contempt and bitterness and things that end unhappily. Would you rather feel some honest discomfort now honesty in the name of building something real, like really real that you know is real. Or would you rather just kind of put a bandaid and patch up the things that you want and need and like cover them up and think, I have to do this or I can’t really have what I want. And then have to deal with it later one way or other, sometime you’re going to have to deal with it.

Okay. It’s either going to blow up into something messy or it’s going to be uncomfortable now as you learn to be the person that advocates for yourself. Okay. Do it now. Courage, courage, courage, speak up, ask for what you want. All right. You can do this. It cuts through resentment. Resentment does not feel good. There’s something that feels so much better and that is showing up for yourself, speaking up for yourself, asking for what you want giving other people responsibility for things that you don’t want, and moving forward, actually living in the creation of the life that you want today. All right, my beautiful friends, thank you for being here. Always a pleasure. I will see you next time. Bye.

(21:31)
Thank you for listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast. If you would like to be kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast episodes, and other ways of working with me, go subscribe to my weekly email. You can subscribe at andriagiles.com forward slash lies dash about dash infidelity forward slash. Again, it’s andriagiles.com forward slash lies dash about dash infidelity forward slash.