I’m Andrea Giles and you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast,
episode number 171, False Confidence.

Hello and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity podcast where courageous
women learn not only to heal from their spouses betrayal, but to become the
boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves ever.
If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently living but
don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place. Stick around
to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks off. Is it
possible? It is, and I’m here to show you how I’m your host, Andrea Giles.
Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

(00:48):

Hello everybody. Welcome. Welcome back to another episode of Heal from
Infidelity. Today we are going to be talking all about false confidence.
We’re going to talk about the illusion of strength versus true empowerment,
what it really looks like to really be confident versus the illusion of
being confident after infidelity. A lot of the time, it does unleash
something inside you that can feel like confidence, that can feel, on the
one hand, everything’s been destroyed. There is this low of confidence of I
must not be enough. What’s wrong with me? That he would go do this, this
kind of thing. On the flip side, sometimes there is this burning fire
inside of you to do things differently. I’m not going to take this. I’m not
okay with this. A big, big boundary has been crossed and it can open that
up to go, no, I’m not okay with this, and that’s good.

(01:48):

That’s a good thing. The problem is that sometimes what I see people do is
they experience infidelity and then they sometimes feel this pressure to
appear strong, to appear in control, to appear like it’s not hurting them
as much as it is to appear like they’ve got it figured out, or to go to
their spouse and make demands of things that they want, things that they
need, like real things that they want and need, but in a way that is not as
effective because underneath all of it is still this piece of fear and doubt
and insecurity. Why this matters is because at the beginning in any
relationship as well, while we might feel like putting on a brave face is
necessary to protect ourselves ultimately, if healing and connection is what
we want, keeping up this facade, keeping up this image of strength while
feeling insecure on the inside is going to block your ability to heal and
block your ability to connect.

(02:56):

Okay, how does this show up? Sometimes how this shows up is when I have
clients that are afraid to admit to their spouse how they feel that are
afraid to admit to their spouse, how it has torn them up and they put on
this brave face, they’re afraid to really, really vulnerably ask for what
they want because they don’t want to be seen as weak or it’s almost like
they overperform like, I’m going to throw things and revenge and show so
much anger so he understands the hurt because that’s the only way I’m going
to get hurt here. When in reality, often underneath that there is this
sense of insecurity like I’m not going to be heard, right? Or What I have
to say doesn’t matter or has been unheard in the past and this is the only
way it’s going to get heard here, and that’s not okay either, right?

(03:53):

Ultimately, that hurts you because it’s like I have to be performative to
get what I want, and really what we’re trying to get to is being able to
just be honest about where we’re at, the things that we are confident in,
the things that we’re not confident in without to control, without bravado,
without even being performative, and the way through this is learning to be
more authentic is growing your capacity to be more authentic, moving from
masking pain and masking real feelings to building authentic inner strength
that you’re not quite so afraid of letting other people see hint. It
doesn’t look theatrical. It doesn’t look like bravado and it does not look
like control. Okay? Now, on the flip side, sometimes when people have been
betrayed, their spouse becomes very theatrical, lots of bravado, lots of
love bombing, lots of loud proclamations, and a lot of this honestly in
some situations is coming also from insecurity.

(05:07):

If I don’t do this, she’s going to leave or he’s going to leave. If I don’t
show up in this way, he’s going to leave, and ultimately we can sniff that
out and it’s not going to be as effective as you think. It comes off often
as insincere, and that is not what we’re going for at first, when there’s
many betrayal, there is going to be, there should be a lot of remorse and
you should be able to listen to the episode a little bit ago about remorse
as this will go into more detail about what that actually looks like, okay?
But hopefully if there’s an attempt at recovery, even if there’s not an
attempt at recovery, even if you both know you’re going different ways,
remorse is still really important just to heal, just to be able to move
forward, but in remorse, there is going to be a lot of apologizing, a lot
of I’m here, a lot of empathy, a lot of tears, probably a lot of sorrow,
and with that, there is a sincere brokenness, a sincere, I’m cracked open
and letting you see me.

(06:15):

What I’m talking about is more performative of, I’m going to go buy you all
these gifts. I’m going to take you on a trip. I’m going to tell you a
hundred times a day how amazing you are. I’m going to shout it to the
rooftops and especially if this is behavior that is new. If you have not
seen this kind of behavior before, it’s going to seem insincere. Some of
this is more, it may be coming from a place of control, like, look how
amazing I’m being. She can’t possibly leave or from a place of absolute
fear that if I don’t do this, she’s going to leave. Okay? Either way,
that’s insecurity underneath that. Now, in my people who have been hurt,
sometimes what they do is they overcompensate by becoming overly assertive
or controlling, overcompensating, trying to recover and when you’re trying
to rebuild it is a very natural thing to be almost on the paranoid side of
things, to be really watching every move, but where we get in our way is
when we are trying to be controlling because we are afraid of what we might
feel if it doesn’t go the way we want it to go.

(07:33):

Overly assertive, meaning we are speaking up at every turn for everything.
Rather than really thinking about what we’re doing, what we’re saying and
why there’s not a lot of reflection, there’s not a lot of slowing down to
really think about what we want and then how we want to communicate that.
It’s very reactive. It’s very reactive, okay? This is not the energy we
want to work with here. Now, sometimes these phrases, I’m over it. I’m
moving on. I’m over it. I’m fine. Things like that can seem like they’re
like, look how strong. Look, she’s moving on or He’s moving on, or, wow,
they got through that really fast, and sometimes we do that and sometimes
we might even feel that. We might even feel like we’re, look, I’m already
okay. My question is, what emotion are you so afraid of feeling? I have to
interrupt my recording here to say, if you hear back more background noise
this time, I apologize.

(08:41):

It is very, very windy outside and I think my mic is picking up on some of
that, so if you hear a little extra sound, that’s what it is. It’s like a
windstorm out today. Anyway, why does this happen? We’re really afraid of
being seen as weak or vulnerable to anyone. We don’t want anyone to see
that, but our partner can feel especially threatening, especially after
infidelity, we don’t want them to see our weakness. We don’t want them to
see us being vulnerable. It can feel like a way to protect yourself from
further harm. For example, if we allow them to see how hurt we are, how
devastated what can happen is we might feel like we are exposing ourselves
to them, further hurting us by showing them how hurt we are. Okay? If I
allow them to see, if I crack myself open here, if I soften and allow them
to see who’s to say I’m not ultimately going to be rejected, okay, who’s to
say I’m not ultimately going to be left, and then I open myself even more
and hurt myself even more.

(09:50):

Another reason we do this is because a lot of our cultural conditioning has
been that strength means stoicism. When we are strong, we’re very stoic,
that we’re very, very stoic and serious and walking through and handling,
and I have a memory that is an old memory, but I remember my senior year of
high school, I happened to be at a friend’s house. I was with my friend. I
was at her house when she found out that her boyfriend that she’d been with
for quite a while was cheating on her, and I remember being with her and
she instantly ripped all the pictures off her wall that had him. She pulled
out all the letters from him, anything that had to do with him, and she just
destroyed it right on the spot. She ripped it all up and then she acted like
everything was fine.

(10:50):

I remember as I was probably 17, taking that in thinking, that’s
interesting. At the time, I remember thinking how strong she was. Oh my
gosh, look how strong. I did not see her cry. I did not see her cry, and we
live in a culture that applauds that that says That is so strong. That’s so
strong. Look at that, and the problem with that is that there’s no room to
allow emotion through to feel the feelings, to really do the deep work of
feeling the intensity of those things that we need to feel, okay? False
confidence delays healing because it does not address the real emotions
beneath the surface. We don’t even let them up for error. We think that we
should be behaving in a certain way, so we try to pretend like we are, and
it’s not even telling the truth of how we’re actually doing.

(11:45):

It’s like we’re running from ourselves. Now, what is the cost to a
relationship when we are in this space of false confidence? False
confidence can create distance by shutting out our partners emotionally. It
can create so much distance to where we can’t have an honest conversation
to where we keep them at arm’s length and we may be trying to control their
behaviors so that we feel safe, and we’re also saying in the same breath,
I’m trying to build trust here, but how can we build trust? How can we see
if somebody’s being trustworthy? If we’re trying to control the whole
narrative?

(12:32):

It can’t be done if we are trying to control every move that they make so
that we feel safer because there’s so much shakiness in us. Ultimately,
we’re not going to actually see if this person is actually trustworthy or
not. I want you to imagine teaching a kid to ride a bike. You can watch a
kid pedaling that bike, pedaling hard, look at me go, look at me go, and it
can look like they’re pedaling their bike. It can look like they’ve got it
right, but in reality, if there’s training wheels there, or if even more if
a parent is hustling alongside, I know I’ve done that, where you’re holding
onto the handlebars and running with them so that they’re not just free
falling, it’s not the same. They’re not actually riding that bike on their
own, right? It’s the same with this. We don’t really want to be with
somebody that we have to control everything or that we have to spell it out
so much or they’re not going to do it yet.

(13:40):

This is exactly what we often do is we try to control it. We try to control
what it looks like, and ultimately we are not going to have the trust that
we want because we’re not going to see what they do when we’re not right
there telling exactly what we want done. Okay? Now, let’s talk about you
individually in your own personal growth. This is a big one. It’s really
important. Suppressing insecurity can prevent self-reflection and growth.
Isn’t that interesting? The insecurity itself is not a problem suppressing
it is pretending that it’s not there, pretending that you’re more confident
than you are pretending that you’ve got it more put together than you do.
That’s the problem. That’s the deception. I have to keep this up in order
to be okay, in order to not be seen as a crazy person. This can lead to so
much exhaustion from feeling like you have to perform.

(14:44):

I don’t want to perform, right? We don’t want to be performative at all. We
don’t want to overperform in angry ways. This is the only way I’m going to
get through is if I lose my mind so they can see how angry I am or if I
have to perform by being polite and soft when I actually want to say some
things that might hurt their feelings. That might be hard to hear. It can
lead to your own exhaustion and your own self-betrayal. Right now. What is
the difference between being assertive and being controlling In infidelity
recovery, assertiveness is expressing your needs and boundaries clearly and
respectfully. For example, I need honesty moving forward, and I’d like us
to work together on building trust. I’d like us to work together. Let’s
partner up on this. What does it look like to you? This is kind of what it
looks like to me, like you’re partners in it.

(15:44):

You’re working together, you’re having conversations. You are not being a
dictator. You are not saying, this is exactly what it has to look like, or
I won’t trust you. That puts so much pressure on you, my friends, okay?
Assertiveness is you taking the time to take stock and inventory of what
you actually want, what you need, what your boundaries are, and then
expressing them respectfully and clearly. You’re not demanding them, you’re
expressing them, and then you’re seeing if your partner will meet you
there. Control is forcing your partner to behave in a certain way so you
can feel better, right? You’re not allowed to go here, you’re not allowed
to talk to this person. You’re not allowed to, blah, blah, blah. When we
express our needs and wants really clearly, I do not want you to go to this
thing because of X, Y, and Z.

(16:40):

I’m very uncomfortable with it. That is okay. That is okay. It’s when we
make demands and say, you can’t. You’re not allowed to. That’s a problem
because what we ultimately want to know is if our spouse will respect us,
if our spouse will hear the things that we have to say, okay? Assertiveness
builds bridges to trust while control reinforces fear and distance.
Alright, so what does actually build confidence after betrayal? True
confidence. The golden question, right? You might be listening, going, okay,
okay, I understand all of this. I hear you, and now what do I do? Alright.
There are four different pieces to this. Number one is acknowledging your
pain. True confidence starts with admitting where you’re hurting, being a
witness to yourself, seeing yourself going, I see that I am really hurting
or that I feel really shaky about this thing and it’s, it’s okay.

(17:51):

Admitting it. It’s okay. I feel really insecure right now and it’s okay. I
feel really scared right now and it’s okay. I’m working through it. Number
two, taking ownership of your healing. This is a really important piece
right here, okay? Recognize that healing does not depend solely on your
partner’s actions. That’s a big one. Often we think it does that when if
they would do this and this and this, then I would be able to heal and be
fine, and in reality, true confidence comes from you taking full
accountability for your own healing. Guess why? No one can do it better
than you. No one can do it better than you, and a lot of the ways that the
infidelity is affecting you are because it has hit on a nerve that is
probably very old, something from your youth or you felt like you weren’t
enough, something that started that was birthed long before you even got in
this relationship.

(19:00):

This is yours. This thing was landed in your lap, but it’s yours to heal.
Your partner can do a great deal of good to help. Partners can also do a
great deal of harm, and sometimes we have to leave them as part of our
healing, but you building confidence by taking steps forward. We’ll help
you in your own emotional recovery. Okay? This looks like getting help when
you need it, asking for help when you need it. Learning to ask for what you
need. Number three, release the need for control. Control might feel like
safety, but it is a false sense of security. It’s not real. Control has
right behind it, so much fear. It’s not real. Okay? Trust, real. Trust in
yourself. Real trust in others is rebuilt through consistency and
communication. Not force. Not force. We cannot force our way to healing. We
cannot force our way to connection.

(20:12):

We cannot force our way to trust. Can’t happen. Number four, rebuilding
self-worth. Shift your focus from the betrayal to rediscovering your own
value and strengths. Now, this is a big one, okay, so much of our focus is
on them, them, them, them, them, what they’re doing, what their recovery
is, how are they showing up? For me, part of rebuilding your own self-worth
is by shifting the focus to you and giving yourself all of the attention.
Really doubling down on knowing what your own values are, what your own
strengths are, what you’re willing to tolerate, what you’re not willing to
tolerate. These are the things that help you get your footing back under you
of who you are, what matters to you, what you stand for. These are the
things that are going to allow you to be assertive in a way that is
effective rather than controlling.

(21:12):

Now, to wrap this up, authentic confidence comes from cultivating a lot of
resilience around your emotions, not by white knuckling our way into
situations, out of situations, pushing for things that on the surface we
say are going to make us feel better, but that are really just a mask for
things that we don’t want to feel. The more you can learn to sit with
discomfort and trust yourself to handle the challenges that come, the
better. This looks like. I know I might get triggered, it might happen, and
I know I can handle it. I have tools, I have skills. I know how to handle
it, that that’s power. You know it’s not power. Never getting triggered.
Nope, we’re going to get triggered, but power is learning what you’re going
to do with it. That’s power practice. Vulnerability. True confidence allows
you to share your fears without shame.

(22:15):

That’s true. Confidence, allowing yourself to be seen, the real, your real
fears, your real truth. I’m so scared to trust you again. I’m so scared to
take this leap. I’m so scared. I’m so afraid that you’re going to hurt me
again. I’m so afraid that I’m going to let you in and receive this love
that you’re now trying to give me, and ultimately that you’ll reject me or
hurt me again. Okay? That is such a powerful thing, powerful move, and this
is what builds confidence and resiliency, and lastly, focus on progress and
not perfection. Confidence grows as you see, small shifts, small wins.
Sometimes they’re big, sometimes they’re big, but often it’s small ones.
It’s not reacting in a way you normally would. It’s recognizing when you
really want to control something and really want to double down on making
sure that your partner does something or doesn’t do something, and not
doing that.

(23:21):

Shutting your mouth, becoming reflective. Gosh, why do I feel so triggered
by that? Wow, that is a strong sensation. I’m going to sit with it and just
process this before I do anything with it. That’s huge. Okay, that’s huge.
What I’d like you to do is to check in with yourself in how you’re showing
up. First of all, are you showing up? Are you keeping quiet? Are you
hiding? Are you actually sharing how you’re doing what you’re feeling? Or
are you kind of muting that? Or are you being very, very loud and bold in
how you’re doing and how you’re feeling and assuming that it’s going to
protect you temporarily? Are you doing that in an effort to control, in an
effort to get him to do what you want? To get something out of it? I want
you to check in with yourself and look at where you might be acting with
false confidence, and I want you to take one step towards authentic
strength.

(24:33):

Authentic strength, sometimes as loud, authentic strength is sometimes
quiet. Authentic strength is the real you and being present with it and
letting other people see it. It’s a strong advocate for moving things
forward. Authentic strength wants to move things forward, which requires
different things of us. All right? Thank you for being here today. I always
enjoy chatting with you. I hope that you’re doing well. Hope you found this
useful, and for those of you who maybe knew around here, or for those of you
who have been here for a long time and have never left a review, I would be
very, very grateful if you would take the time to go leave my podcast a
review. It helps so much to get in front of people. Take the time to do
that. You can change your name so that no one knows it’s you and leave an
anonymous review or make up a name. I’ve had people do that too. Alright,
thank you. Be sure to check the show notes for current offerings, things
that I’m doing, ways to work with me, and I will talk to you very, very
soon. Bye-bye.

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Again, it’s

3 Biggest Lies About Infidelity

I will see you next time.