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I’m Andrea Giles and you’re listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast, episode number 220, Are You Ready to Break the Pattern?

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Hello and welcome to the Heal from Infidelity podcast for courageous women learn not only to heal from their spouse’s betrayal, but to become the boldest, truest, most decisive and confident versions of themselves ever. If you know there’s more for you than the life you’re currently living but don’t quite know how to get there, you are in the right place. Stick around to learn how to create a life that will knock your own socks off. Is it possible? It is, and I’m here to show you how I’m your host, Andrea Giles. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

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Hello everybody. Welcome back to another episode of Heal from Infidelity. Today we are going to dive right in and talk about patterns. We’re going to talk about why we repeat patterns. We’re going to talk about breaking patterns and what it actually means. We’re going to go really, really deep today. As always, I bring you what’s on my mind, patterns that I see as I work with my clients, things that are going on for a lot of people collectively right now, I’m going to be bringing all of this to you today. I want you, as you are listening, to just open up to what I’m saying, be open to feeling what comes up for you, honoring what comes up for you, being soft with yourself, being gentle with yourself, but being honest with what you see, what you feel, and ultimately what you decide to do with it.

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Okay? Alright, here we go. Everybody that is navigating infidelity, when you are really in it, trying to heal it when you’re not just trying to sweep it under the rug, but when you are actually trying to heal it and process the pain of it and process, understand what happened, understand it, heal it. There is a process of looking at patterns that repeat. This goes for anyone involved, whether you betrayed, whether you were betrayed, this is for anyone involved. You are looking and you’re interested in looking for patterns that are on repeat. Okay? These are karmic loops. Loops that seem to drag us through the same emotional terrain over and over and over again. What do I mean by karmic loops? I’m sure you have heard the term karma, right? You hear the term karma’s a bitch, right? Karma. Karma is kind of what goes around, comes around.

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Hence a loop, right? What we put out there comes back to us. If we’re mean to other people, we may attract meanness to us. If we’re good to others, we may attract goodness to us in relationships. The patterns that we participate in will create the same relational results or the same results in whatever area in our life that is. Whatever participation we have, if it’s around money, if we are avoidance of looking at money, we’re going to create more of the same. If we are regularly evaluating our money and looking at it and looking at how we’re spending it and being aware and conscious of it, we’ll probably have more of it and have different spending habits and different ways of relating to money. That’s just one example. Karma karmic loops drag us through the same emotional terrain over and over and over again until we are willing to do something different, until we’re willing to look at the pattern and decide if we want to do something different about it.

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Now, let’s talk about relational contracts in this regard. Sometimes what happens is we are in these kind of contracts with other people, all kinds of contracts. We are in work contracts. We are in maybe at a gym, a contract with the gym. We’re in contracts most definitely with people that we are in relationships with. Now, for many people, we think that there should be things in that contract that go unspoken. I don’t need to say, don’t do this thing because you’re in a relationship with me. You shouldn’t do this thing. And often people do it anyway and there’s a break in the contract. Even if we didn’t explicitly say, don’t do this thing, and sometimes it is very much a breach of the contract that was agreed upon, like verbally agreed upon, and there’s a breach of that contract, okay? Now, I also believe that we enter into relationships with people when there is something there that we either need to learn, something that we need to grow into, something that we need to learn to let go of.

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I believe that we made agreements sometimes well before we actually met the person. We’re in agreement with that we are going to engage with that person in a certain way and basically until we either learn what we came to learn or grow together, whatever the case may be, and my opinion is that sometimes those relational contracts completely close down. That is an end. It is ending and it’s a contract that we have fulfilled that we say, alright, I learned what I needed to learn. It was sometimes a really long road, sometimes not a long road. It can be quick, it can be really long, and we either end that contract and leave it completely behind or we might renew a contract, we might renew it, but it’s in an entirely different form with new rules, new ways of relating with each other, new ways of showing up for each other, things that we are not bringing into this new contract.

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So these two kind of go together, these karmic patterns that repeat until we see them, really expose them, feel everything we need to feel there and decide to do something new. These karmic loops or these relational contracts that we engage in and that sometimes we stay in them for a very long time, repeating those loops until we decide to do something different, and I am of the opinion that when infidelity occurs, it is a big enough breach. You’ve heard me talk about marriage 2.0. I’m going to talk about it in a little bit different way right now instead of entering into marriage 2.0, it’s a new contract. It’s like that old contract. We’re done. We are closing that contract down. That is an old relationship. It’s an old way of relating with each other. It’s so many karmic loops, unspoken, unaware that we are even doing it.

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These patterns, these things that we participate in, we now see it, we know what we’re doing and we’re closing that down and we’re either saying goodbye and we are ending that contract or we are starting over with a new contract. We are going to renew it, but it’s going to be under different terms, completely different terms with a new relationship. Now, I want you to understand that these patterns that I’m talking about, they are not here to beat you over the head and show you, oh my gosh, look at you. You should be over this by now. They’re not here to punish you, to shame you, to make you feel bad, but to give you an opportunity to see they’re here to wake you up. Wake up up. They’re here to wake you up. Alright? Now, I want to move into this question that people have for me.

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Why does the same pain keep showing up? I thought that I had processed that. I thought that I got over that. Why does it keep returning? If you have ever thought, why does he keep doing this thing? He promised to stop? Why am I reacting the same way over and over? Why does this dynamic feel so familiar? Most of the time it’s because most relationships are running on old agreements, whether spoken or unspoken, old rules, old rules, R-U-L-E-S, old roles, R-O-L-E-S, old survival patterns, old versions of you, old identities, the identities that people put on you that are not actually even you, and even after infidelity, many couples try to rebuild inside a contract that is expired. It’s expired, it’s no longer working. It’s inside those old survival patterns. It’s in that old version of you and we’re trying to kind of go back and patch it up and put it back together and then we wonder why it’s not working.

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We wonder why we don’t feel safer, why it keeps rupturing. Why do we keep going back an expired contract and those old karmic loops will always pull you back into that same loop with the same resentment, the same feeling of powerlessness, the same feeling of victimhood. I’m a victim here, the same anxiety, the same self-doubt, and it’s not because you’re broken. It’s because there’s something in you that is wise, that knows that that old way cannot continue. It’s trying to reveal it to you. Until we are completely aware of what is going on, we can’t change it. We can’t change something that we don’t know we’re doing. Now, let’s talk about that karmic loop. The karmic loop is simply your body and soul bringing you the same situation until you are willing to choose differently, internally, externally, often both. Often both, okay? It’s not cosmic punishment.

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It really isn’t. It’s actually coming from a place of love to show us so we can have something better. It’s actually an invitation to evolve. It’s not great. It’s an invitation to grow, and most people don’t break the loop because they try to change the other person instead of changing the contract that they’re participating in. This is huge. Please hear me on this. This is huge. This is probably the biggest thing I want you to hear today. We cannot break the loop that we are in when our focus is solely on what the other person is doing. When we are dependent on them, for us to feel a certain way when we are dependent on them, for us to have what we want. A loop breaks the moment you say, no, I’m not agreeing to this version of us anymore. I no longer consent. No, I won’t abandon myself just to keep the peace here.

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I’m over that that ship has sailed. No, I’m not going to keep performing in this old role just to keep this dynamic the same. No, I’m not willing to do that anymore or equally. Yes, yes, I am willing to look here at my participation in this dynamic. Yes, I am willing to require more truth of myself, to tell the truth to myself to see, to hold a mirror to me, to let the discomfort crack me open so I can see here, so I can see, so I can stop participating in the same thing again and again and again. Yes, I am willing to let this relationship either grow up into a new contract or end loops break when you show up differently, when you do something new, when you stop being dependent on what they do for you to feel okay, when you recognize how powerful you are, that you have the power in your hand to change your own life, that you have that power that you can get yourself out of those loops, that you can get yourself out of relationship dynamics that are not working for you and that you don’t just have to wait for somebody else, and I’ll also add that our greatest shot at being able to honestly enter into a new contract with a different kind of relationship comes when one person really, really decides I will not participate anymore.

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I am willing to let the whole thing end. I’m willing to let this whole thing walk away from this whole thing if it means me showing up for myself in a way that feels true to me, walking towards the kind of contracts I want to be in, whether here or elsewhere, right? That’s when the invitation to others is the strongest because they know that you are no longer dependent on them. There’s a security in somebody depending on you like, oh, they need me. They need me. When you recognize your own power and you start stepping towards that in a way that you just know you’re going to be fine, the people around you notice a shift. They feel it. They know. They feel an energetic shift in you, and they either are going to elevate their own energy to be able to hang with you, or you will know that this is not happening, that they’re not coming with, and there’s a peace in it.

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Even if you have to feel some grief and loss and all of that. There’s also a lot of peace in that. There’s a lot of feeling proud of yourself, feeling like I showed up for me, knowing that you did not abandon yourself just to keep the relationship loop alive, just to keep it alive, just to keep it alive, it no longer is okay. It no longer is good enough to just keep it alive. If those same karmic loops keep playing over and over again, the pain of staying in those karmic loops becomes more painful than the thought of leaving, and that is when you are so powerful. Something most people don’t know is that a relationship can end long before the relationship ends. You can still technically on paper be in a relationship without being in the relationship. The relationship ends when the contract between you expires and some of you are walking around in your lives knowing that that ship has sailed, knowing that the relationship as it was is dead and gone, but you’re kind of trying to hold onto it for whatever reason, you’re kind of poking around it and Well, what about the kids?

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And well, there’s these good things here. What about this? And I don’t want to blow up my life. I understand that. I understand that, but what is it costing you to continue to try to hang out in that old relationship contract and those old thought loops and the old patterns and the old karmic loops? What’s it costing you to your dignity, to your sense of peace, to your self-respect, to feeling like you are honoring your truth right now? Some contracts do and definitely they end. We move on and in your bones. This cannot come with, this cannot come. This person actually can’t come with me, but often a relationship doesn’t have to end the contract does the way that we were doing things has to end and when the contract ends, you can both evolve and create a new contract from a place of truth, a place of self-responsibility, partnership, real partnership, and this is where some of the deepest healing on this whole planet happens is right here.

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It’s the same person, entirely new contract, completely different way of showing up with and for each other. This is where couples build something so aligned and clean from this rubble that it feels like a new relationship. It often feels so much better than that first contract because it is so intentional. It was so on purpose, so intentional or the contract closes and the relationship ends because one or both partners are unwilling to step into the next version. Now, sometimes when that contract closes and neither of the people involved have done the work to understand the relational loops that they were in, those karmic loops, they will repeat them elsewhere. They will repeat them elsewhere until they learn and whatever relationship that they’re in, what they are creating for themselves by continuing that loop, by showing up in that way. Either way, whether you’re staying, whether you’re going, it does have to be healed or you will participate in that same relational loop elsewhere, okay?

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We have to eventually to heal it. We have to see that and heal it, whether it’s with the person you’re with or somewhere else down the road. Okay? Now, both of these outcomes of evolving, creating a new contract from truth and self-responsibility and partnership or closing that contract and the relationship ends, both of these can be quite liberating. Both of these can be quite healing, but sitting in the expired contract trying to make it work by sheer force or will is where suffering happens. Pain compounds, it gets so painful and so loud, and this is where people lose years of their life. This is where people experience physical pain because their body is trying to get their attention. This is where piece by piece things start to feel like they’re kind of falling apart, and this is when the invitation gets louder and louder. If you believe that everything is working for you, which I do believe, and it looks like things are falling apart, it might just be that you are trying to be woken up, like, look, pay attention.

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This is not working for you. We want more for you. Okay? Whether you believe in a higher power, the universe, your own self that’s trying to lead you to something better, whatever that is, sometimes things look like they’re falling apart so that we can see this is what I keep participating in and I am done. I’m done. I’m not participating in it anymore, and you, my friends, you do deserve so much more than repeating the same chapter, the same chapters of a book that is done that is begging to be set down. You are being invited into a whole new contract, a whole new way of operating with yourself, with others. Okay? Now, this is where I want you to hear what I have to say. Over the years, I have helped countless people make the decision to stay or go after infidelity, many, many people, and because I see such a need for this right now and I see so many people just hanging out in the same patterns again and again and again.

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I have decided to open up a group within my group, so I have my Get Your Life back after Infidelity main group, okay? I am opening up a group that is all starting on the same day in January with a kickoff workshop. We’re going to have a workshop together where we are going to dig in all together with all the same people that join before that day. You’re going to have your own cohort of people that you’re going to be moving through the program with. You still get everything that the whole program entails. You get everything that all the other group calls you get, all of the coaching, all of it, all of the things that are already there, but you are also going to get some special small group time with me just with this topic of staying or going. Why did I decide to do that?

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Because I’m seeing so many people, it’s like their spirit is hitting a wall of going, I cannot do this to myself anymore. I am shrinking. I’m shrinking. I’m in so much pain. I can’t avoid it anymore. I can’t look away from it anymore, and this is for you. I want you in there. If you are listening to this and you feel the truth of what I’m saying, it resonates with you. I invite you into this container. I invite you to come. All you have to do is schedule a call with me. That’s all you have to do. You can go to my website, andrea dials.com. You can go to the show notes right here under the podcast and you can schedule a 30 minute call with me. There’s some questions you’ll answer before that call just as you schedule it, and I will sit with you and talk with you about it, and those of you who say yes to this, I can’t tell you the power in your own.

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Yes, the power in you energetically putting out there. I’m ready. I’m going in here. I go, I’m doing this. I’m doing. I am ready. There is a commitment. There is a time commitment. There is a financial commitment. What I can tell you is I am here for it. I am here for it. I will show up with everything in me to help you recognize the loops that you are participating in and help you grow your own capacity to step out of that loop and into a higher frequency for yourself, a higher way of being in the world, being with yourself, operating that you will respect so much that you will be so proud of, and you will from that place, you will know who gets to come with you and who does not. You will be raising your own standard for yourself, and when you are operating from this place of not being dependent anymore, your vision opens up.

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You see things so much. Clear dependency blurs our vision. When we can stop being dependent on an outcome, we suddenly see things much clearer and the decisions come to us. We don’t have to effort for them. We don’t have to struggle for them. We just know. We know what our decisions are, and sometimes it’s leaving. Sometimes it’s staying, and sometimes it is. With this strength and power and authority in you, you raising your own standard of knowing where you’re going, knowing what you are, no longer willing to participate in what loops you will not go back to and inviting your partner to come with you and giving a timeframe of your watching, but you’re not dependent on it anymore. You can be hopeful, right? You can be hopeful. You can feel the feelings of what if they don’t, and it can be a little bit scary at times, but you’re not dependent anymore.

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This is the work we’re going to be doing. We are diving in. We’re going to be meeting in January for that kickoff workshop, and then there’s going to be included calls that are just specific to your small group that starts together just around this topic in addition to all the other support that you get inside the group. If you are listening to this and you know that this is you and that you don’t want to go one more day, one more month, one more year, repeating the same patterns that are keeping you in so much pain, I invite you to come talk with me. Alright? It’s time. It is time. There is a version of your life that is so close that you will know I did this. No one gave it to me. I chose differently. I picked differently. I decided that I was worth it.

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I decided that I was worth choosing, that I am worth breaking my own loops here and showing up differently for I’m done with these identity loops. I’m done with the ways that I have viewed myself that keep me feeling small. I’m over it. I’m done. I’m over it. If this is you, schedule that call with me. We’ll get you enrolled and get you going so that you’re ready to go with the group. In January, we’re going to be going deep into all of this. I can’t wait to talk to you. I can’t wait to get started with you, and I invite you as I wrap this up. You might not recognize right now what your loops are. You might not recognize what your patterns are, but I invite you to stay open. Stay open, okay? Stay open. When the student is ready, the teacher appears, okay?

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I know some of you will come and be with me, that I will help you. I will help guide you. I will teach, I will guide. I will coach, I will help you, and some of you are going to be opening up to other ways that you want to learn. Either way, invite you to stay open. If this resonates, stay open. Don’t go back into that loop and go blind, okay? It’s part of that kind of pattern and cycle where infidelity occurred in the first place. Where we going to go blind to put the shutters up of what’s going on in our life and then we have this big bomb, and now let’s face it, you guys. Let’s face it. Let’s go look at all of this and not go back to sleep. Alright? Invite you to come join me. I will see you on our individual calls as we get you set up.

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It’s going to be powerful. It will be for other people who are ready. You’re going to have other people doing the same work. It’s going to be powerful. I know that some of you listening are ready. You are so ready. If this is you, opt in. If you’re nervous, I’ve got you. If you’re like, I don’t know, am I ready? I don’t feel powerful. You are far more powerful than you think you are. If this resonates at all, just schedule that call. I’ve got you. Alright, I’ll talk to you soon. Can’t wait to chat. Bye-bye.

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Thank you for listening to the Heal from Infidelity podcast. If you would like to be kept in the know about upcoming free classes, new podcast episodes, and other ways of working with me, go subscribe to my weekly email. You can subscribe@andreagiles.com slash lies about dash infidelity slash. Again, it’s andrea giles.com/lies about dash infidelity slash I will see you next time.